Smilax

So in case anyone was wondering how things have been going for me since I mentioned that I had booked a detox date and was going to try self tapering, well here's said update. For anyone who has not read the post in question see here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-scared.html

The detox date that I had set was for this Friday the 16th. And I have not cancelled it yet and will not until it's really clear that I'll be sober.

At any rate against the judgement of those here I HAVE tried to self taper as I mentioned. I know most people advised me against doing so. And I understand why. I'm not going to explain or apologize for why I did so just to give an update for anyone concerned. As of last night I was down to 1 tall beer and 150ml of wine. I am still taking the sleeping pills as before because I feel to taper off both at once would be too complex, too hard, too much withdrawal. Today I plan to have about 1 and 1/2 beers or just 1. And continue to taper from there.

This has not been without withdrawal side effects, last night was particularly anxiety filled. Some nights I've had more sweating than others. I've noticed I have hypnic jerks at times. During the day I've felt on average better most of the time though and my sleep has been more restful. I've decided that I should have a beer at night that I don't drink just in case I feel more withdrawal than I like. I've tried to be very calculated about the amount by which I reduce every day.

The truth is long term I'm more worried about staying sober than whether I will be able to get sober. As with the last time I got sober and stayed sober 8 weeks. I don't feel confident about things in the long run.

Algorithm

This is insane. Not the tapering, but the mixing.

What kind of sleeping pills are you mixing with alcohol?

Smilax

Over the counter sleeping pills. Chemically speaking they are antihistamines. Specifically Diphenhydramine. I'd like to taper off them too but one thing at a time.

Ariesagain

How many are you taking? Benadryl for many people stops working so they up the dose and in some, like me, it has a paradoxical effect in that it makes me more wired and I have a harder time sleeping.

I know it's OTC but it's not a good drug, especially with alcohol...

P.S. Did some research and it's really hard on the liver, especially if it's combined with a pain reliever or in higher doses. Please be careful?

Algorithm

You drink only at night, and go all day without drinking?

I would argue for drinking no alcohol tonight, or any other night.

Smilax

I take 2 pills. And yes I realize that it's stupid and dangerous. Years ago I would take 4 or more but back then I never mixed it with alcohol. I don't plan on increasing what I take of that ever, and hope to try to taper off that too. And like you I believe I feel that it makes me more wired now.

Dee74

With dedication, a commitment to change, and a good plan there's no reason why you should not get sober again and stay sober for good

D

Ariesagain

I hope all goes well...promise you will go to the ER if you start feeling bad?

Smilax

I would normally only drink at night yes. But I was drinking a bottle of wine every night with those 2 sleeping pills and sometimes some beers for a couple of months. When night time rolled around I certainly noticed that I had not drank until then. Felt like I needed to earlier. I was just good at using willpower to wait that long. If I waited longer I would start to feel worse withdrawal. Mainly bad anxiety. Actually as part of my tapering I have started to drink a beer earlier in the day around noon or so, so that I don't feel as bad through the day, while simultaneously reducing what I've been drinking at night by a lot, taking into account the earlier beer. Today though I'm stopping the earlier beer and just drinking one beer or 1 and 1/2 or so at night because I don't think I need that now. I think in 2 days or so I'll be down to 1/2 a beer. I basically tapered in a similar fashion the last time I stopped drinking.

Anna

You're right that staying sober is more difficult than getting sober. I hope you stop drinking now or that your taper works. Once you experience sobriety, I think you will find more clarity in your life and you will likely find that you need to make changes in your life to support your sobriety. You will likely need to deal with the issues in your life which caused your alcoholism. There are many healthy ways that you can deal with anxiety. Insomnia is difficult and it can be hard to manage, but it's likely that stopping drinking and getting off the medication will result in you sleeping better.

Smilax

Thank you. I actually fear the withdrawal from trying to stop the benadryl as much or more. A few years back I ended up with terrible constipation and low GI pain issues from using Gravol which is very similar.

You are right that I need to deal with the issues that cause my substance abuse. In my case dissatisfaction with my life, life long depression, and extreme loneliness and self isolation. The struggle will be believing that I'm worth it enough to try. Part of me likes to think that at least being the loner drinker loser that I am now at least I'm not really hurting other people. I don't have a family of my own, don't have that many friends, have never had a relationship. So part of me uses that as kind of a mental excuse. The truth is of course that my parents greatly love me.

To be completely honest with everyone here one of the major motivating factors in getting me to stop this time hasn't been so much that I want to stop, so much as a realization that it's affecting my work enough that I'm not sure I would have made it through the holiday season without calling in sick, and causing major disruption. I work as an assistant manager at a retail store and of course this time of year is filled with enough stress as it is, many days are just nuts. So I felt I needed a clear head over the holidays or I was literally going to go crazy. I also of course logically knew / know that I need to stop for my own health. And a part of me wants to stop for ME. But it's actually the fear of embarrassment at work that forced my hand in this case. So what I fear is that as soon as say mid January comes rolling around and the pressure eases off at work I'll be right back to it.

Dee74

I had a lot of problems that I was never able to fix as a drinker. As a sober guy, I was able to tackle them all - some sooner some later - but I'm glad I gave myself the constancy that recovery provides

D

Soberwolf

Thinking about the long run isn't necessary, today we focus on today, do not overburden yourself with thoughts promises & low self worth the fact your seeking help is such a great step forward Smilax stop beating yourself & realise what is

We are both alcoholics I may not like it but it is what it is if I was going to make a real go at it I had to prepare myself but even then things can seem overwhelming in the first days & weeks there are cravings, real life, and finding out who you really are without the alcohol to deal with (That's where SR comes in)

I'm taking it you realise but your scared at the same time ? that's completely normal & understandable, we always wake up thinking what happened feeling sick looking rough & feeling like death warmed up I know I did when I was drinking it wasn't a life

it's not a life and back then I wasn't living I was dying slowly and it almost killed me the best thing apart from meeting mrs sw is giving up drugs & alcohol I'm now 34 with almost 4 years to my name & almost 5 years clean time
(July 2012 & July 2013)

No matter what don't continue to drink that's what I'd tell my old self no matter what & your life will get better

You can do this

EndGameNYC

I feel for you, but the only thing that you have that resembles a plan is to avoid embarrassment at work. Tapering as a plan to get sober is, well, not much of a plan. It's continuing to drink until you've had your last drink, and you won't know when that is until you've been sober for a while.

Delilah1

Sounds like the tapering is an awful lot of work. Have you spoken to your doctor about just stopping? They can help you with a plan for withdrawals, and for recovery.

PhoenixJ

I took over the counter a-h's. I convinced myself since I could buy them o-t-c and were not with a script, they were not dangerous. Bad move. Wrong. Very dangerous. Liver damage.

Smilax

Thank you for those continuing to remind me how dangerous what I was and am doing is.

Trouble is that I knew those facts.

I just didn't care enough about myself. And I still don't.

tomsteve

idk if the amount of time sober I have would be considered long term, but I only achieved it by staying sober one day at a time.
I have absolutely no idea if I will be sober next week, but I wont drink today.

AnvilheadII

i can't imagine anything more maddening and agonizing than having 1/2 a beer. while i applaud your efforts, i worry about your motives.....if you are trying to completely avoid ANY discomfort whatsoever, than you will never give yourself permission to just STOP.

if we are going into sobriety thinking "well it's either this, or fling myself into the alligator swamp" than we are setting ourselves up for failure. if we continue to paint sobriety as a living hell, something to simply endure til we die, we are setting ourselves up for failure. if we continue to view sobriety as the PRISON, and drinking as the ESCAPE, we are setting ourselves up for failure.

you have the power to change your thinking, your viewpoint. to truly embrace a life not dependent upon drugs or alcohol. to be able to get up each day and not have your every waking hour enslaved to the thought of the next drink. it really is a beautiful thing. if you LET it be so.

ScottFromWI

I think that's partially untrue. Why would you keep coming here if there wasn't at least part of you that cared about getting better? It's possible that you don't even realize that part of you exists, but it's there - we all have it.