From hating myself to being scared...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
From hating myself to being scared...
So I posted the one sentence post a while back that "I hate myself" and then forgot I had posted that when drunk. Of course many here were worried about me when I didn't reply and it's comforting to me to see that. I apologize again for that. At any rate here is a further update:
So. I went to the local government addiction centre today and had a consultation with a councillor there. Then after that I partook in my first SMART based group session. And I have to say after all of that. I'm kind of terrified. Which... perhaps is a good thing. I think a little bit more of the real reality of what I'm doing and where I am is sinking in. Mixing sleeping pills and alcohol is playing Russian roulette with your life. I factually know this. I have always known this, stupid is the last thing that I am. But I'm realizing that denial is a god damned unstoppable tidal wave of a force. I just don't want to let the real reality of those words sink in. Some part of it is now.
I realized that at that group were a couple of seasoned alcoholics in their mid 50s I'd guess who I could kind of tell just looking at them that they kind of fit the stereotype of alcoholic. Not to judge them for one second, in fact they seemed like very kind people. And of course there was a house wife and other types there too. But I suddenly realized, *light bulb moment*, that while I may not drink cumulatively as much as those guys what I'm going is actually even more dangerous and even they might not have had experience with. I'm speaking of the mixing of pills and alcohol (though one of them mentioned he used to do cocaine). So 2 things about that really scared me, 1 emotionally I never lumped myself in with the stereotype of an alcoholic ( the guy who lives at the bar counter ) I don't drink in that setting for one. But no I realized not only do I fit the label I'm in some ways even farther down the rabbit hole than those guys who I didn't think I could relate to. That really sent a chill down my spine. Which you would think it wouldn't given the facts at hand. I know the dangers, I know how much I drink and take. But something about it just doesn't register in my mind.
I now realize that if I'm going to stop I should probably admit myself to a detox centre to be on the safe side. I might be able to taper on my own, I did before but that was less serious, but it's safer to do it there. I got the number for the local one from the councillor. I haven't called them but I probably should just to see what kind of wait times they have. But just the thought of being at that point terrifies me. It really does! I don't think of myself as "that" kind of person. Don't want to admit that's where I am. But I am. I'm typing this right now while drunk as much as anything so that I don't go through withdrawal. Not that I don't feel anything from it. I'm thinking that because I also take antidepressants, yes I know more stupid lol, that it could be that I'm experiencing withdrawal earlier than many might.
What I have been thinking lately is that I just ******* hope that it's at all possible to do this in the new year. Because that way I could get through the busiest time at my job, I work retail, and when things ease off just naturally ask for some time off. Because right now there is just no way I can ask for any time off without raising alarm bells and causing panic at my store. Of course losing a job is preferable to dying lol. However there are many reasons why losing this job now would be a bigger blow to me emotionally than it might for many. And **** it there is still a lot of me that doesn't want to stop :-( I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.
So. I went to the local government addiction centre today and had a consultation with a councillor there. Then after that I partook in my first SMART based group session. And I have to say after all of that. I'm kind of terrified. Which... perhaps is a good thing. I think a little bit more of the real reality of what I'm doing and where I am is sinking in. Mixing sleeping pills and alcohol is playing Russian roulette with your life. I factually know this. I have always known this, stupid is the last thing that I am. But I'm realizing that denial is a god damned unstoppable tidal wave of a force. I just don't want to let the real reality of those words sink in. Some part of it is now.
I realized that at that group were a couple of seasoned alcoholics in their mid 50s I'd guess who I could kind of tell just looking at them that they kind of fit the stereotype of alcoholic. Not to judge them for one second, in fact they seemed like very kind people. And of course there was a house wife and other types there too. But I suddenly realized, *light bulb moment*, that while I may not drink cumulatively as much as those guys what I'm going is actually even more dangerous and even they might not have had experience with. I'm speaking of the mixing of pills and alcohol (though one of them mentioned he used to do cocaine). So 2 things about that really scared me, 1 emotionally I never lumped myself in with the stereotype of an alcoholic ( the guy who lives at the bar counter ) I don't drink in that setting for one. But no I realized not only do I fit the label I'm in some ways even farther down the rabbit hole than those guys who I didn't think I could relate to. That really sent a chill down my spine. Which you would think it wouldn't given the facts at hand. I know the dangers, I know how much I drink and take. But something about it just doesn't register in my mind.
I now realize that if I'm going to stop I should probably admit myself to a detox centre to be on the safe side. I might be able to taper on my own, I did before but that was less serious, but it's safer to do it there. I got the number for the local one from the councillor. I haven't called them but I probably should just to see what kind of wait times they have. But just the thought of being at that point terrifies me. It really does! I don't think of myself as "that" kind of person. Don't want to admit that's where I am. But I am. I'm typing this right now while drunk as much as anything so that I don't go through withdrawal. Not that I don't feel anything from it. I'm thinking that because I also take antidepressants, yes I know more stupid lol, that it could be that I'm experiencing withdrawal earlier than many might.
What I have been thinking lately is that I just ******* hope that it's at all possible to do this in the new year. Because that way I could get through the busiest time at my job, I work retail, and when things ease off just naturally ask for some time off. Because right now there is just no way I can ask for any time off without raising alarm bells and causing panic at my store. Of course losing a job is preferable to dying lol. However there are many reasons why losing this job now would be a bigger blow to me emotionally than it might for many. And **** it there is still a lot of me that doesn't want to stop :-( I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
Smilax- thank you for letting us peoples (who are just like you) know you are ok. Your narrative tells a story. You are smart, articulate and perceptive. You know what is wrong, have implemented some action and know what you need to do. Terrified? Yep- that passes. What is more important to you- your health, safety, well being and self respect, or the 'image' of the alcoholic? You gotta let that go. You have a problem. Do not drink over xmas- putting off abstinence until after the season is pouring petrol on the drunken fire. You may escalate, or think 'what the hell- one last binge and then I will stop forever'. Detox with medical supervision- w/d can cause seizures (like me). Go to AA (I do), SMART (I do), see your doctor (I do). Listen, share, learn and read. Do not drink- it is dangerous. That next binge may be dangerous to you or others. A bus hitting you, driving, falling over- whatever. The fact you posted then came back is so good. Keep posting.
Prayers to you- PJ.
Prayers to you- PJ.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I don't think fear is a good long term motivator but it certainly got me started. I didn't want to die.
Your AV is going to try and tell you that this is a bad time to quit, and that the new year is soon enough.
I agree with Phoenix that you shouldn't put it off...many's the time I said I'm quitting Jan 1 and I was still drinking in May.
D
Your AV is going to try and tell you that this is a bad time to quit, and that the new year is soon enough.
I agree with Phoenix that you shouldn't put it off...many's the time I said I'm quitting Jan 1 and I was still drinking in May.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I don't think fear is a good long term motivator but it certainly got me started. I didn't want to die.
Your AV is going to try and tell you that this is a bad time to quit, and that the new year is soon enough.
I agree with Phoenix that you shouldn't put it off...many's the time I said I'm quitting Jan 1 and I was still drinking in May.
D
Your AV is going to try and tell you that this is a bad time to quit, and that the new year is soon enough.
I agree with Phoenix that you shouldn't put it off...many's the time I said I'm quitting Jan 1 and I was still drinking in May.
D
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Smilax
Yeah I realize that. But I just don't see how I'm going to make it work at this time of year.
There is also quite literally the possibility that you will die before you get to a "time of year" that it will work. You mentioned that you saw some people who looked like seasoned addicts at the meeting. What your addiction is hiding from you is that there's a full-blown seasoned addict staring you right back in the mirror every morning when you wake up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Well I took the plunge and booked a detox date.
Friday December 16th.
I can barely believe I'm writing that. But it's done date set. I am however going to try to taper on my own before then.
I am sure I'm going to get a lot of people here telling me not to that it's too dangerous. I just feel I have to try. I don't know how I'm going to explain to my boss and coworkers that I suddenly need an emergency week off work at the f'n busiest time of the year. It will throw my store into chaos. I honestly don't know how I'm going to face that. Public face, fear of shame, and perfectionism are a terrible curse I struggle with. It might not mean the end of my job but I don't know how I will manage it and show my face again. But that is why I set the appointment. Come hell or high water on the 16th if I am not successfully tapering on my own into detox I go. I set the date to force my hand.
That being said because of all the above I'm going to try to taper on my own to try to avoid needing that if possible. I tapered off a similar amount months back. But of course then I was not mixing it with sleeping pills. I realise that there are dangers. However I haven't been an extreme drinker for years. Tapering from a bottle of red wine a day roughly, as of last night. And I have a taper plan.
Still can't believe I'm even writing all this.
I can barely believe I'm writing that. But it's done date set. I am however going to try to taper on my own before then.
I am sure I'm going to get a lot of people here telling me not to that it's too dangerous. I just feel I have to try. I don't know how I'm going to explain to my boss and coworkers that I suddenly need an emergency week off work at the f'n busiest time of the year. It will throw my store into chaos. I honestly don't know how I'm going to face that. Public face, fear of shame, and perfectionism are a terrible curse I struggle with. It might not mean the end of my job but I don't know how I will manage it and show my face again. But that is why I set the appointment. Come hell or high water on the 16th if I am not successfully tapering on my own into detox I go. I set the date to force my hand.
That being said because of all the above I'm going to try to taper on my own to try to avoid needing that if possible. I tapered off a similar amount months back. But of course then I was not mixing it with sleeping pills. I realise that there are dangers. However I haven't been an extreme drinker for years. Tapering from a bottle of red wine a day roughly, as of last night. And I have a taper plan.
Still can't believe I'm even writing all this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Smilax
That being said because of all the above I'm going to try to taper on my own to try to avoid needing that if possible. I tapered off a similar amount months back. But of course then I was not mixing it with sleeping pills. I realise that there are dangers. However I haven't been an extreme drinker for years. Tapering from a bottle of red wine a day roughly, as of last night. And I have a taper plan.
You've already been told by a medical professional and many on this forum that tapering or doing this on your own is a very unwise decision. Has something suddenly changed that you haven't shared that would make your plan a good decision?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
