LastDrinks

Me, I am a fraud. I help others to make money. Everything I say I don't practice. I know all the tricks, I do them for a living. I just don't use them myself.

LastDrinks

I will drink1-2 bottles of spirits and come up with 3-4 programs lol that change people's lives, all the while I slink further down in a hole. To be honest, most of it I do for free, its not even about the money. I'd rather help other 'normal' people all the while I sink further and further down. And when I try to 'help' myself, lol I end up even helping the shrink employed to help me. It's a joke really.

LastDrinks

I even wrote 2 frigging books on all this - most of the time I was drunk I am a fraud no matter which way you look.

Dee74

It all started with one post tho

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...everybody.html

A post, A step forward, A day 1.

why not knock it on the head tonight, drink some water and lie down - maximise your chances of waking up reasonably ok in the morning and starting recovery again?

D

LastDrinks

Thanks for sharing that Dee. Did you give up substances for yourself or for someone else in your life? What was your main motivating factor even after you became sober and all the hype and novelty wore off?

Ooona

Hit a chord with me this morning! I too felt like a phony, a fraud, so UNauthentic, like you advocating and helping people when I myself was in the depths of self destruction. Getting accolades and recognition and thinking, if they only knew....omgosh, the guilt and shame that came along with that lifestyle was just overwhelming.

When you were sober didnt it feel so good to start to get your public and private life aligned? Feels so good to just be real...be ourselves. We arent perfect, we probably have been SO good at what we do, BECAUSE of our struggles. And someday we will be able to be completely honest about those struggles. For me, I found one person I could tell the truth to. No more lieing, no more sneaking. HONESTY. INTEGRITY. AUTHENTICITY.
Theres no greater feeling for me.
Ill bet for you to.
Sobriety gives us that.

Dee74

I didn't want to die.

Even with all that too cool for school persona there in that first post , I think it comes through that I was scared ****less - it does to me anyway

I also felt, like I said before, that I could do better with what I'd been given.

What kept me going was the promise of that doing better coming true.

My life's still not easy in a lot of ways but I wouldn't trade it for someone else's

I've learned to live now whereas I used to simply exist.

D

LastDrinks

Guilt and shame are definitely the right words Oona.

When I was sober for a brief month, I used all my energy up and then some helping myself and in that time I did nothing to help others. I felt selfish doing it.

I had plenty of support too, didn't realise the amount of people who cared actually.

Problem was carrying it through. I made a life so used to spending all my time helping others when it came to focusing on sobriety it completely drained me. And I got scared when I looked (and chose to get looked at) inside. myself.

I am sure you understand.

D122y

Last,

I offer this. Who knows, I might save your life and then you go on to change the world in a great way w your programs....

Imo....

All you mental problems, like mine, are enhanced by alcohol.

At 1 month clean, your mental issues are just beginning to show through...barely.

If you are taking any meds, e.g. Xanax, the reaction you experience will likely feel new and different.

At 30 days clean, I craved like a crack head. I would have to take naps everyday because I was exhausted from the constant anxiety.

I was in that state for about 3 to 6 months. Horrid suffering. I was climbing out of the depths of a hellish hole I had unknowingly dug.

The education I received here, online elsewhere, and at the 10 or so AA meetings I've attended is my sword in this sobriety mx journey.

The joy I feel everyday now defeats daily craving. But, i had to make it more than a month.

You really have to make it a year clean to start to feel the real change. Otherwise, it is like a broken record.

What do you have to live for? You won't really know until you give it a good sober try.

I get being a drunk. I would not have had near the fun I did if I were not a drunk for 20 plus years.

Being drunk was pretty much how I met girls. Otherwise I was too shy. Meeting girls, for me, was a huge part of my self esteem. So, drinking helped me.

I quit because I had a mental and physical break down over a 2 day period that scared me clean.

The PTSD from drinking and that break down has almost fully subsided.

I cant explain w enough emotion how this state of sobriety is a whole new world. It is almost like being reborn.

I know you want that.

Until you get super clean, e.g. 1 year or so, you don't know what you are missing.

You can't give up after a month. You have to power through.

Your post was a call for help. We are here for you.

Thanks.

Ooona

Sometimes the helper needs help too.

I didnt have a choice in the matter of taking care of me. Everything just stopped! No calls, no emails, no opportunity to hustle, no requests for my help. POOF. I look at it now and believe that my God was doing for me what I couldnt do for myself, wiping my schedule completely clean! UGH! Nothing to distract me, nobody in need. All I could do was focus on myself! Im so happy I did too. There were many things ( feelings ) that I had been running from through ' helping others' and also by drinking.

Its time to take some time for you now dont you think. Maybe pull back a bit from helping endeavors. That could be the healthiest thing we can do sometimes is to realize we arent in a position to be the helper right now.
Focus on being sober just today. You can do this, just like I am. We can do it together, two helpers helping the most important people right now...
OURSELVES!

LastDrinks

Thanks guys. I really should give it another go again - this was the first time I ever tried quitting. I am 34 now, been drinking a lot for a long time. For that month it was really hard after the first week, but it did feel good. Here in Australia the whole drinking thing is really embedded in our culture which was hard. Even when I moved house after quitting for 4 weeks my Mum bought a wine glass to my new place so she could have a drink when she visited. That was a deal sealer for me. I just wish I could find some people here who didn't drink because it just feels awkward with everyone if you don't drink,

Dee74

Have you considered something like AA LastDrinks?
It's the obvious way to met sober people?

D

LastDrinks

To be honest, and I am sure a lot of people on this site have similar issues, the thought of not drinking and having to finally tackle and address this whole BiPolar thing scares me a lot but. I'm scared the drugs they have pushed me to take will make change who I am, and like I was before, I'm scared about never having alcohol there again to be social, or feel inspired or go to sleep or change my moods as I have relied on for so long. I am also scared about having to do it all again, this time without the medical detox help. I feel like I have wasted all this tax payers money and health professionals time from before, and am not sure if I can do it my own this time again.

LastDrinks

I went to one AA meeting, mostly in the hope to find some new friends who didn't drink. I just couldn't do a few of the things they kept pushing there to be honest. I looked up SMART and some other alternatives but there were none in my area.

Dee74

I didn't have BPD but I have to take other drugs every day and all the rest of that sounds about right.

All I can say to you is that leap of faith is scary as hell - but it works out...it's a pretty informed risk...you can see it all around this site.

The way you're living now is not working...you're not really losing anything trying another approach

Take it easy for the rest of the night LastDrinks ...hope to see you tomorrow

D

LadyBlue0527

Hi LastDrinks, is this how you perceive sobriety? Something that we embark upon until we move onto the next fad? A phase? Perhaps for some but maybe there's a key right there to why you're having such a hard time. There are tons of reasons to get sober but if they're not the right ones then you're right, the hype and novelty will wear off. You do have to do this for you, and for no one else. If you're looking outward for accolades for the achievement of being sober you're bound to fail.

The single most driving force for me in being sober is not people clapping their hands and patting me on the back, it's the knowledge within that I am, genuinely, a good person, and I like me. I know I certainly didn't like the "what's the point?" me. That person is the fraud. That's the fake. That's not me, it's the addict within trying to suck out my soul and keep me right where it wants me.

I used to think the beauty of life was pouring alcohol down my throat and acting like an ass. The excitement of knowing that I was going to get to do that. Every moment was spent waiting for that to happen because without it, life was boring. Or so I thought. I am now completely amazed at how the true beauty of life is the simplicity of it. How in every single, waking moment I can decide how I live, what I choose to do. A container no longer does that for me. I only wish I could have learned this years ago, all that time wasted doing nothing. Still, I'm grateful for where I am today because I actually think I have more appreciation for life than a person who has never had to get sober.

The above didn't come with some really hard work. I must now be at the point you refer to where the hype and the novelty is over. What I've found at this side of that is true peace, no more grinding, no more fighting.

If I could have one power in life it would be to give everyone fighting addiction one day, just one day, on this side. To experience what it feels like to be done with the fighting and to be past all of that. To finally see life as it's meant to be lived and how it feels. I can't do that though, everyone has to do it for themselves.

It's there, I promise you. It's waiting for you. You might think you've given up but you really haven't because your OP is the inner you extending a hand from within and asking for help. You want this, you know you do, you just need some help to get there.

Don't give up LastDrink, you can do this. There's so much good waiting for you. Not in the form of applause and pats on the back. The good is within you and the peace that you'll find by continuing to fight the fight. We are all here with you to support your effort.

You CAN do this!!!

Dee74

Others can fill you in on Aussie AA better than I can but I think different meetings/groups can have different characteristics - you'll get a different meeting and a different mix of people in the inner city Hipster suburbs than you would in the far out old blokes/ mums and dads suburbs for example.

Young people meetings might be good too? I'm reliably informed the cut off is 35 but it's not summarily enforced

D

Nonsensical

Unfortunately, you started drinking again before you ever got that sober read. The changes persistent alcohol use make on your brain aren't gone after a month of sobriety. It takes at least 90 days for your brain to start producing chemicals in their natural amounts again.

Whether or not you continue drinking is your choice to make, but don't delude yourself into thinking you got a "sober read". You didn't.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

August252015

This thread is such a tragic example of the power of alcoholism.

Perhaps Dee is right, however, and it is a cry for help.

In AA, our responsibility is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. I thought about my first reactions to your thread and that it was incredibly selfish of you to keep posting. As I read more, I tried to "flip" that in my head- a technique I often try when something/person/place/situation is disturbing to me (paraphrase BB p 84-88, related to acceptance and focusing on the "I").

AA says that "no matter how far down the scale we have gone," our story can be used to help others (also 4th ed BB paraphrase). It also talks about the (rare) alcoholic who is beyond help. I pray you are in the former camp though you don't see how that can be possible, right now.

I will share (ever so briefly) my ESH: I drank insanely increasing amounts over a years-long darkness; I was dx with bipolar/then BPD; I take meds for it; my symptoms are almost entirely gone now that I am sober; I was on the fast track to dying and I knew it, til I quit 254 days ago; I work an incredibly hard program and my utterly imperfect self is guided by a spiritual condition I work to maintain; my life is beyond what I could have imagined now that I am sober. I would wish my life, which was beyond the word "unmanageable" then, sick, insane and selfish and so many other bad things, on every person on this planet, now.

You alone can make the choice to quit. As the mind becomes physically clear of alcohol, and the body starts to heal - as Dee also said, a year on, even two (as some say particularly for women), there can be leaps and bounds that continue....and you can be a totally different person in every way.

I believe that every single person who chooses to be a better, more positive and contributing person benefits all of the rest of us, somehow. You can be one; or you can be the vile, selfish, time and hope-sucking drain that you are right now.

Good luck.

Illuminate

LastDrink, can you prove to yourself, or to any of us here, that what you're saying is coming from the real you and isn't your addiction and whatever other mental health problems may have a hold of your brain?

Since you're in the throes of your addiction right now, the answer to that question is no.

This is the thought that keeps me going in my battle for sobriety. It's the realization that when my brain creates a network of facts and opinions that support the theory that I should continue drinking, this is the disease talking, and the disease is a dirty rotten liar.

It is simply not true that life isn't worth living or that there's no reason to be sober. YOU don't believe otherwise, and I strongly believe that. Sure, your disease feels otherwise. It fights to protect itself, it wants to live, just like you do. But your disease deserves no life, and it doesn't live as you and I do. Everything about it is a lie, and everything it tells your brain is too.

Defeat it. Only then will you know how you actually feel about life.