Obsessive stupid thought
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Originally Posted by Delizadee 
Thank you for this thread and your words fini, they are great and uplifting and the end gave me a chuckle. 
I'm in the middle of all this mental stuff with younger children. It weighs heavy on my mind because it's ongoing and always will be.
I really worry about my oldest daughter. She won't talk to me, lies, blames, is a hard core codie and very strong borderline traits all like me or as I was... I worry more for her following the same path as me because of it.
My other two still dearly love me. I know this is going to be an ongoingly thing too. I have no illusions about that.
Makes me think of my dad too. He is not an alcoholic but a bit hard nosed definitely. I know he's really struggling with having two adult alcoholic children. The whole "I don't know what I did wrong" thing really tore me up. It sticks out so far in my head I trip over it almost daily.
We only do the best we know how to do.
I'm in the middle of all this mental stuff with younger children. It weighs heavy on my mind because it's ongoing and always will be.
I really worry about my oldest daughter. She won't talk to me, lies, blames, is a hard core codie and very strong borderline traits all like me or as I was... I worry more for her following the same path as me because of it.
My other two still dearly love me. I know this is going to be an ongoingly thing too. I have no illusions about that.
Makes me think of my dad too. He is not an alcoholic but a bit hard nosed definitely. I know he's really struggling with having two adult alcoholic children. The whole "I don't know what I did wrong" thing really tore me up. It sticks out so far in my head I trip over it almost daily.
We only do the best we know how to do.
We only do the best we know how to do...yes, how could we do anything else?
It's so good to know what I feel is not uncommon, thanks to other people saying they have similar things going on
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One of the hopes I have for happening when I have been absinent for a decent length of time is that for one, I will be able to show my son with the problems that you are not doomed to be a slave to alcohol your whole life. Two, I will not sound such a hypocrite (which he calls me often) when I tell him he is heading for more misery and trouble drinking so muc and three, that I won't be tied by guilt to him and will let him sort his own messes out and maybe that will bring him to his senses!
Plus, I may be able to laugh at some of his more outrageous "accusations" instead of feeling on the defencive all the time.
Such as when he talks about "all of the men" I have "paraded" with since his father and I split up. We have been split up 24 years and in that time I have had 3 boyfriends!
Plus, I may be able to laugh at some of his more outrageous "accusations" instead of feeling on the defencive all the time.
Such as when he talks about "all of the men" I have "paraded" with since his father and I split up. We have been split up 24 years and in that time I have had 3 boyfriends!
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My father drank throughout my childhood and adolescence. I had an unhappy upbringing filled with the fear, upheaval, drama and uncertainty of an alcoholic household.
My relationship with my father was non-existent by the time I was 30, but then he quit drinking and after a few years reached out and apologised. We repaired the relationship with effort from both sides. It was not easy and I would not have been willing to have any relationship with him if he had continued drinking.
I accept the unhappiness of my childhood. It is what it is. In all the unhappiness, I had a lot of privilege too. Regardless, I cannot change any of it and can choose only to live each day as well as I can. That means being grateful for the fact that my father is sober, that I am sober, and that we have a good relationship now. That means choosing my own state of wellbeing.
Ultimately I am responsible for my own happiness. I would not give that power over to anyone, not even my father.
I hope things turn out okay between you and your son, but I believe there comes a point when you are no longer responsible for the happiness of your own children.
My relationship with my father was non-existent by the time I was 30, but then he quit drinking and after a few years reached out and apologised. We repaired the relationship with effort from both sides. It was not easy and I would not have been willing to have any relationship with him if he had continued drinking.
I accept the unhappiness of my childhood. It is what it is. In all the unhappiness, I had a lot of privilege too. Regardless, I cannot change any of it and can choose only to live each day as well as I can. That means being grateful for the fact that my father is sober, that I am sober, and that we have a good relationship now. That means choosing my own state of wellbeing.
Ultimately I am responsible for my own happiness. I would not give that power over to anyone, not even my father.
I hope things turn out okay between you and your son, but I believe there comes a point when you are no longer responsible for the happiness of your own children.
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Yes Miss P I think it is the guilt that keeps me from letting him stand on his own two feet. I myself had an abusive father with a drinking problem, I never blamed him for my troubles either, I believe we all have our own life journeys and lessons to learn (I believe that, except apparently when it comes to my son haha)
I couldn't blame my father, because he had his own drunken father and mother to deal with when he was growing up, if you start blaming other generations for your own problems as an adult, where does the blame end?
But I know nothing can heal as long as either me or my son drink.
I hope he eventually comes to the conclusion you have, that his happiness now, is in his own hands, because I cant go back and change the past for him.
I'm happy it turned out well for you and your father though
I couldn't blame my father, because he had his own drunken father and mother to deal with when he was growing up, if you start blaming other generations for your own problems as an adult, where does the blame end?
But I know nothing can heal as long as either me or my son drink.
I hope he eventually comes to the conclusion you have, that his happiness now, is in his own hands, because I cant go back and change the past for him.
I'm happy it turned out well for you and your father though
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I have regained the respect of my adult children since I quit. I drank heavily through their late teens and early twenties, and it pushed responsibilities onto them that was simply unfair and selfish of me. Now, they see what I accomplished through the strength of my spirit and they see the magnitude of change that one may accomplish. They know I did it for me, and they are grateful for that.
Those that love you want the best for you, sainos. You are getting better at identifying your AV, it comes with practice. The simple test is - if a thought leads back to drinking, or it says I can't succeed at living sober, its AV. Accept that those thoughts will come by themselves, but they don't have any meaning or import, other that showing you the way to proceed. And that can be a good thing. When you realize that they can't dictate your behaviour and need not be feared or dreaded, they will become much less frequent, and more easily dismissed.
Separate your will from the AV because it is no longer 'you', it's not part of your life. Because you say so, that's why. Then go do something that is good for you, and good for others.
You are doing great, sainos. Onward!
Those that love you want the best for you, sainos. You are getting better at identifying your AV, it comes with practice. The simple test is - if a thought leads back to drinking, or it says I can't succeed at living sober, its AV. Accept that those thoughts will come by themselves, but they don't have any meaning or import, other that showing you the way to proceed. And that can be a good thing. When you realize that they can't dictate your behaviour and need not be feared or dreaded, they will become much less frequent, and more easily dismissed.
Separate your will from the AV because it is no longer 'you', it's not part of your life. Because you say so, that's why. Then go do something that is good for you, and good for others.
You are doing great, sainos. Onward!
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Hi Freshstart
I AM getting better at recognizing the old av even after a few days, it's all coming back to me! It's easy when it's the "lets have a drink" old line. Not so easy when it drags the emotions such as guilt into it. But of course, I had forgotton, it has my feelings to use against me, and guilt is my achiellies heel, so of course it's going to use it, it's just about the most powerful thing it has against me, it's not going to leave that weapon unused haha
It's so good to see here people who were able to rebuilt with their adult kids. Although I only appear to be having the problems with the one of them, I know the other three do hold a lot of themselves in reserve with me concerning my drinking. I don't blame them for that at all, they have been hopeful and excited too many times only to be let down.
Half of me expects to let myself down (but thats the av half, trying to convince me I won't do it, because I haven't done it before for good)
It helps to think, that the av there is trying to take away my kids hope..makes me want to stamp on its ugly little head more.
Thanks for the encouragement freshstart
I AM getting better at recognizing the old av even after a few days, it's all coming back to me! It's easy when it's the "lets have a drink" old line. Not so easy when it drags the emotions such as guilt into it. But of course, I had forgotton, it has my feelings to use against me, and guilt is my achiellies heel, so of course it's going to use it, it's just about the most powerful thing it has against me, it's not going to leave that weapon unused haha
It's so good to see here people who were able to rebuilt with their adult kids. Although I only appear to be having the problems with the one of them, I know the other three do hold a lot of themselves in reserve with me concerning my drinking. I don't blame them for that at all, they have been hopeful and excited too many times only to be let down.
Half of me expects to let myself down (but thats the av half, trying to convince me I won't do it, because I haven't done it before for good)
It helps to think, that the av there is trying to take away my kids hope..makes me want to stamp on its ugly little head more.
Thanks for the encouragement freshstart
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