I have admitted defeat.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 15
I have admitted defeat.
Here I am, in vegas. Right now. Every time I admit it, I cry. I am a manly man. I haven't cried in probably over 10 years. I don't admit defeat, I used to be an aspiring bodybuilder, an aspiring power lifter. But here I am in sin city. I don't live here. Supposedly I live across the country in a state I had never been to, let alone near, since 2.5 years ago.
I haven't drank much tonight, 4 drinks, and on my 5th. Mainly because I don't know what to do (Don't worry I called my employee assistance program).
I called them. As soon as I tried to admit it, I started to cry. But I finally admitted it. Admitted it out loud to someone. You see I went on a 3 day bender Last week. Tuesday through Thursday night, and took it easy Friday. Which I called in Sick that day.
I told myself I wouldn't do it, as I had been two days sober, and wanted vegas to be a good time. Well Saturday I woke up feeling like crap, and went for a run. Still not 100%, I went into work. Wanted to leave so bad. That night I couldn't sleep, so four shots of vodka later boom done. 4 hours later, up for work. It was hell. Then after work left for Vegas. 12 hours later I finally made it.
Took some Advil pm and down to bed I went. I couldn't sleep. 1 am, went and bought three beers. Tried to go to sleep. I couldn't. Went a got another drink, and when I realized I couldn't wake up for the class and sit through it. I called my EAP.
I had to. I can't live this life anymore. I'm scared though. I work with a small group of people, 2 of whom are roommates that like to drink. One of them which I will have to tell.
I am waiting for a call from my EAP to explain the self referral process. Luckily for me, at this point I have let too many people down to turn back and feel I am out of control.
I have only half of a real friendship in my life that I've made in the past 2.5 years. Other than that, no one within a couple thousand miles that would support me. I do have loving parents, and a great older brother though.
Why me? How did I end up like this? What will my coworkers think of me? Where will my life be a year from? So many questions, so sad, and just want to be optimistic. I just got here, but will be leaving today. I can't partake and the things I need to get away from.
I haven't drank much tonight, 4 drinks, and on my 5th. Mainly because I don't know what to do (Don't worry I called my employee assistance program).
I called them. As soon as I tried to admit it, I started to cry. But I finally admitted it. Admitted it out loud to someone. You see I went on a 3 day bender Last week. Tuesday through Thursday night, and took it easy Friday. Which I called in Sick that day.
I told myself I wouldn't do it, as I had been two days sober, and wanted vegas to be a good time. Well Saturday I woke up feeling like crap, and went for a run. Still not 100%, I went into work. Wanted to leave so bad. That night I couldn't sleep, so four shots of vodka later boom done. 4 hours later, up for work. It was hell. Then after work left for Vegas. 12 hours later I finally made it.
Took some Advil pm and down to bed I went. I couldn't sleep. 1 am, went and bought three beers. Tried to go to sleep. I couldn't. Went a got another drink, and when I realized I couldn't wake up for the class and sit through it. I called my EAP.
I had to. I can't live this life anymore. I'm scared though. I work with a small group of people, 2 of whom are roommates that like to drink. One of them which I will have to tell.
I am waiting for a call from my EAP to explain the self referral process. Luckily for me, at this point I have let too many people down to turn back and feel I am out of control.
I have only half of a real friendship in my life that I've made in the past 2.5 years. Other than that, no one within a couple thousand miles that would support me. I do have loving parents, and a great older brother though.
Why me? How did I end up like this? What will my coworkers think of me? Where will my life be a year from? So many questions, so sad, and just want to be optimistic. I just got here, but will be leaving today. I can't partake and the things I need to get away from.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
That is the first step. See this as a new beginning.
I went to rehab 6 weeks ago because I couldn't do it on my own. I knew I was in deep trouble.
Follow through with your thinking. Get help. Do whatever it takes. You don't ever have to feel this way again. Good luck.
I went to rehab 6 weeks ago because I couldn't do it on my own. I knew I was in deep trouble.
Follow through with your thinking. Get help. Do whatever it takes. You don't ever have to feel this way again. Good luck.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Welcome panini! First, don't worry too much about the future and take it day by day. No one knows what the future will look like. I went thru something similar a number of years ago. Had to admit to my emploer I needed help and went to rehab. It didn't stick then but that's a different story. But my life went on and turned out very well. So just get through each day a day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi Panini,
I feel your pain, life can thrown difficult situations at us and sometimes it may look like there's no obvious way out, but if you want the answer to where your life will be one year from now I can give to you: wherever you want it to.
Making the decision to change is by far the most important step, and it looks like you want to make it.
SR will help you along the way, I recommend you read through some of the stories here, you'll see that it doesn't matter at what state your life is, everything is possible.
You can do this!
P
I feel your pain, life can thrown difficult situations at us and sometimes it may look like there's no obvious way out, but if you want the answer to where your life will be one year from now I can give to you: wherever you want it to.
Making the decision to change is by far the most important step, and it looks like you want to make it.
SR will help you along the way, I recommend you read through some of the stories here, you'll see that it doesn't matter at what state your life is, everything is possible.
You can do this!
P
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
The recognition and admittance may have just saved your life.......be grateful. Someday, maybe in a year you'll understand.
You are about to embark on what could potentially be the greatest journey of one's lifetime. Embrace the moment, the change. Accept your circumstances and move forward with honesty, courage and love for others.
You are about to embark on what could potentially be the greatest journey of one's lifetime. Embrace the moment, the change. Accept your circumstances and move forward with honesty, courage and love for others.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Admitting defeat is a powerful step to redemption.
If you're like I was, then what you've been fighting all this time is the truth. That's why when you stop fighting it, it makes you cry - out of relief and fear. Relief because you can stop living in the denial that has been so exhausting to keep up, and fear because without the illusion of the lies you told yourself, where will you find yourself now?
But you don't have to be afraid. If you stay guided by the truth, you will find your way back to something better.
No more lies, no more denial. If you're like I was, then the truth is that alcohol has taken over your life and it will without question destroy you unless you put it down. So put it down and start to rebuild your life... There is a lot of reason for optimism if you do this.
If you're like I was, then what you've been fighting all this time is the truth. That's why when you stop fighting it, it makes you cry - out of relief and fear. Relief because you can stop living in the denial that has been so exhausting to keep up, and fear because without the illusion of the lies you told yourself, where will you find yourself now?
But you don't have to be afraid. If you stay guided by the truth, you will find your way back to something better.
No more lies, no more denial. If you're like I was, then the truth is that alcohol has taken over your life and it will without question destroy you unless you put it down. So put it down and start to rebuild your life... There is a lot of reason for optimism if you do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 15
Thank you all for the kind words, and encouragement. It means a lot. It hurts me emotionally to think this is really myself it is happening to. But This has to happen.
How do people act around a recovering alcoholic? Why do I care so much about what people think of me? Im scared to be treated differently when all I want to do is live life to the fullest, but here I am screwing it up.
I picture myself with 1000s of stories down the road. Interesting stories. Ones that people actually want to hear from me. Not the alcoholic stories. The majority I have today. I'm scared of actually succeeding at something so personal though.
I still cry writing this stuff about myself. I'm sorry for letting it out. I'm impatient, and still waiting for my phone call. Hopefully w/in the hour.
How do people act around a recovering alcoholic? Why do I care so much about what people think of me? Im scared to be treated differently when all I want to do is live life to the fullest, but here I am screwing it up.
I picture myself with 1000s of stories down the road. Interesting stories. Ones that people actually want to hear from me. Not the alcoholic stories. The majority I have today. I'm scared of actually succeeding at something so personal though.
I still cry writing this stuff about myself. I'm sorry for letting it out. I'm impatient, and still waiting for my phone call. Hopefully w/in the hour.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by MissPerfumado 
Admitting defeat is a powerful step to redemption.
If you're like I was, then what you've been fighting all this time is the truth. That's why when you stop fighting it, it makes you cry - out of relief and fear. Relief because you can stop living in the denial that has been so exhausting to keep up, and fear because without the illusion of the lies you told yourself, where will you find yourself now?
But you don't have to be afraid. If you stay guided by the truth, you will find your way back to something better.
No more lies, no more denial. If you're like I was, then the truth is that alcohol has taken over your life and it will without question destroy you unless you put it down. So put it down and start to rebuild your life... There is a lot of reason for optimism if you do this.
If you're like I was, then what you've been fighting all this time is the truth. That's why when you stop fighting it, it makes you cry - out of relief and fear. Relief because you can stop living in the denial that has been so exhausting to keep up, and fear because without the illusion of the lies you told yourself, where will you find yourself now?
But you don't have to be afraid. If you stay guided by the truth, you will find your way back to something better.
No more lies, no more denial. If you're like I was, then the truth is that alcohol has taken over your life and it will without question destroy you unless you put it down. So put it down and start to rebuild your life... There is a lot of reason for optimism if you do this.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
[QUOTE=Panini907;6149518] Other than that, no one within a couple thousand miles that would support me./QUOTE]
Probably within walking distance there will be a bunch of alcoholics who have solved the drink problem and are gathering to maintain their sobriety. It will be called an AA meeting, there are probably hundereds each week in that neck of the wood, and they would just love to see you, and they will do anything they can to help.
I like to think of it that I have a couple of million friends, I just haven't met them all yet.
By the way, The best recoveries seem to come from the type of situation you describe. It was certainly that way for me.
Probably within walking distance there will be a bunch of alcoholics who have solved the drink problem and are gathering to maintain their sobriety. It will be called an AA meeting, there are probably hundereds each week in that neck of the wood, and they would just love to see you, and they will do anything they can to help.
I like to think of it that I have a couple of million friends, I just haven't met them all yet.
By the way, The best recoveries seem to come from the type of situation you describe. It was certainly that way for me.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Welcome to SR Panini. You've done a brave thing and the right thing by reaching out for help. Although they are legitimate concerns please try not to worry what others think of you. In my experience most people are more concerned about their own problems and inadequacies to be overly concerned about what we're doing 
I'm sure your EAP will come back to you. As others have said try not to think about the future, just go one step at a time with this.
I'm sure your EAP will come back to you. As others have said try not to think about the future, just go one step at a time with this.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by MissPerfumado
Admitting defeat is a powerful step to redemption.
If you're like I was, then what you've been fighting all this time is the truth. That's why when you stop fighting it, it makes you cry - out of relief and fear. Relief because you can stop living in the denial that has been so exhausting to keep up, and fear because without the illusion of the lies you told yourself, where will you find yourself now?
But you don't have to be afraid. If you stay guided by the truth, you will find your way back to something better.
No more lies, no more denial. If you're like I was, then the truth is that alcohol has taken over your life and it will without question destroy you unless you put it down. So put it down and start to rebuild your life... There is a lot of reason for optimism if you do this.
If you're like I was, then what you've been fighting all this time is the truth. That's why when you stop fighting it, it makes you cry - out of relief and fear. Relief because you can stop living in the denial that has been so exhausting to keep up, and fear because without the illusion of the lies you told yourself, where will you find yourself now?
But you don't have to be afraid. If you stay guided by the truth, you will find your way back to something better.
No more lies, no more denial. If you're like I was, then the truth is that alcohol has taken over your life and it will without question destroy you unless you put it down. So put it down and start to rebuild your life... There is a lot of reason for optimism if you do this.
Panini....you ended with so many questions that are totally normal and relatable to most if not all of us who quit drinking (or haven't yet). There's a lot I could say here - about how you can change your thinking, deal with these questions and fears- but will just say this: you don't have to address them now, and you don't have to address them in order to stop drinking. THAT, you can choose to do....now.
AA, step one: "we admitted we are powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable." Are these two things true? Now sounds like a perfect time for you to go to a meeting; your EAP will hopefully be able to help you, but waiting on anything to get us started just gives us more time to .... keep drinking and keep suffering.
Good luck.
I look young for my age.
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 932
It is so hard to get those first steps of forward momentum going towards a sober life. We all know. We have all been there. By coming to the realization this morning and doing what you did, you have taken those first tentative steps. Keep building momentum, Panini. You can get there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
