saphire39ca

I've been on here a few times and always get great feedback....today is one of those days where I'm frightened and so scared.....Im trying again to quit opiates but scared I can't do it....I started back at work and the job is so stressful and I dread going in....I self medicate just to get through the day but this sadness and guilt and everything else is killing me.....I can't go to your typical meeting because I can't run into clients....and it's not that im better than anyone it's just the type of work im in....social work...so I can't go to regular meetings ....I've finally reached out to my sponser after sometime but she cancelled on me last minute and said I could call anytime but now feel bitter because I finally had the courage to reach out and she cancels and says I can call anytime! like it took so much courage to text her to see her and then that? am I ok to feel a bit resentful that I was kinda just left hanging? im so frusterated with everyone....especially myself.....my job is so stressful and I cry before going in....and then I have this damn opiate addiction that is killing me each day.....ive already took 2 years off work and just got b.ack in May...I can't take more time off.....I cant go to meetings....I don't feel supported by my sponsor....im so scared...what do I do? at times I just want to die....I just want to be free of this addiction....when im not using...I get so sad..and can't stand the feelings I feel so I end up using to escape those feelings....I've already went to treatment....I can't take more time off.....Is there anyone out there who can relate? im begging for some kind of solution to this.....please someone help me I don't want to live like this anymore....im losing everything.....

cwood3

That's a tough position to be in. You have to have opiates to maintain the job, but to get off opiates you risk losing your job. Is that a fair statement? I know how important a job is, I have been layed-off for a year this month. It seems that if you were rid of the opiate problem, and your body and mind were in better shape, then maybe your job wouldn't seem so stressful. I don't have the solution, but in my case, I know I can't perform optimally at a job if I'm not in optimal physical/mental/emotional shape...or as good as I can get it. Maybe it's about priorities and what you desire for down the road. I would try to find some method to help quit the opiates...they are not going to lead you down the right path.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome back Saphire. You're not alone on SR. I didn't use formal treatment but use Rational Recovery: AVRT which worked for me. there are other options out there and if one thing isn't working then do try another. And stick around SR

Soberwolf

You have to want to be clean more than you want to use x

When I finally stopped using cocaine 4 years ago it was one of the best things I have done, it was hard, it wasn't immediate, there were ifs buts & maybes at first but the worse it got the more I knew I had to stop ... you sound around about at that point Sapphire ?

If your current meetings are not helping try others there are so many different meetings to try and possibly have you considered therapy like group or CBT to really help you on the road to recovery... it really helped me x

Stick around join the September class give yourself a chance at this don't just throw it away if you fail, become a part of our recovery community & read up on the threads I'm pretty sure in no time at all you will meet like-minded friendly people who will help you along the way, just give yourself a chance to live again

For me I can't tell you how good it feels my life now compared to 3 years ago is drastically different I really hope this can be the same for you too

Lightning Bug

Job stress is a big deal. When you get hit with an project do you start off immediately being scared of it and feel like you can't do it? If you do, you won't get far, right? And by putting fear before action you are limiting yourself to what currently is and not what can be.

Fear can't drive your recovery van. If we let fear take the wheel we would be lost or in a ditch somewhere spinning our tires. Let go of your fear.

Call your sponsor. Text her. Email her. Do whatever you need to make contact. Don't feel bitter towards her, that is a resentment and we are letting go of those not building new ones.

Maybe try an online meeting?

MariahGayle

I'm so sorry you are struggling Saphire.....first know you are not alone in what you are going through. I know how lonely & afraid addiction can be. Maybe contact with an addiction counselor? Sounds like you Definately need some face to face support & if your not getting that with support you have in place, maybe looking at other options for support is necessary? If your current work situation is overwhelming, please consider putting your health & well being before anything.....make it your #1 priority. Sending thoughts of love & strength your way Saphire

saphire39ca

can you tell me more about this AVRT? thx

saphire39ca

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday...I don't really like him but I'm hoping he can refer me to a therapist....I hope!

saphire39ca

im trying not to feel resentful about my sponsor but I don't think we are a good match.....yes....fear is my biggest challenge...I fear all the time....im tired of being scared of everything....im also a people pleaser so if I think someone at work doesn't like me I obsess about it....im so frusterated at myself.....there has to be something that could help.....so tired

Anna

Saphire, you can find out more about AVRT and other recovery programs in this Sticky:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

saphire39ca

I wish I could reply after a post but it goes to the bottom of the page when I want to reply to a specific person.....uhhhh....sorry if my posts seem all over the place....

january161992

prayers for you

Dee74

Your posts are coming out fine this end saphire39ca

Have you considered going to meetings in a different town? or trying online meetings?

Maybe consulting a Doctor or an addictions counsellor might help too - they'd both be bound by ethics to keep your file confidential?

You can always use SR too - maybe checking in here everyday (or more) could help?

It looks like something has to change - I'd rather be in control of those changes than have them happen to me...y'know?

D

Berrybean

Our sponsors can't always be there for us when we want them to be. That's why our HP and reaching out to lots of people in the fellowship are both so important. A sponsor is there to guide us through our step work and be a mentor. To tell us what they did to get what they got. Our job is to do what they suggest (ie what they did). The realistic side of it is that when we pick sponsors who have good recovery, this tends to mean that they have jobs, partners, friends, a social life and also take their family commitments seriously. These kind of people can't always drop everything to meet us straight away when we finally get round to texting (but hopefully you're better than I was at regular telephone contact with your sponsor - I was pretty rubbish at it as I hate the phone.) But a lot of our daily recovery work is done alone and is reflective. What have you tried so far? On my list is prayer. Meditation. Read the BB or other literature. Help someone else (the Newcomers page here usually has at least a few newcomers who can use some help and encouragement). Gratitude list. Inventory any issues. Listen to a speaker online. Contact others in the fellowship. Go for a walk. B-R-E-A-T-H-E. Properly. And, Caretaker myself being mindful of HALT triggers.

Why not make a real concerted effort to get to a meeting (treat it as a doctors appointment when negotiating time off with work if needs be) and make sure to get some more numbers to call while you are there.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

ReadyAtLast

How are you doing today Saphire?

saphire39ca

Hey...not sure if you'll get this response....I just hit reply when you asked how I was doing today....thanks for asking btw.....it seems that I take one step forward and 3 steps back...I met with my phys chiatrist yesterday and he has no idea that I've relapsed...he said if I ever did he would not meet with me anymore so he's off the list for help....I did request that he refer me to a therapist and he provided me with a name and contact number so I'll be looking into that....I thought that this weekend I would be able to start my mission of being sober but I got a phone call asking if I needed anything....and that it could be paid at a later date so of course I caved not proud to say that...I've been praying and praying for relief of this addiction and everytime I think i'll be able to do it this time....something happens and I cave....I take full responsibility for this....I wish I had a sponsor but I need to go to meetings to get one and I can't as I mentioned before...I wish there was a miracle solution to all this...I just want the cravings to go away....I was fine before this addiction so why can't I realize that i'll be fine without it!! I swear I create chaos in my life on purpose....when I asked my psychiatrist what he thought my diagnosis was...he said attachment disorder? no idea what that means....anyhow....it's either I continue down this path and lose everything...or stop and get my **** together.....both options are hard but getting my **** together atleast there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow....anyone want to share their story about how they managed to get clean and stay clean? I desperately need inspiration and hope right now....best of luck to those who are fighting this and thank you to those who have reached out to me.....it means a lot xo

doggonecarl

Opiates are incredibly difficult to quit on one's own. Maybe too difficult to therapy away as you have an addiction.

Have you considered the fellowship of other recovered addicts in the program of Narcotics Anonymous?

saphire39ca

Unfortunately im from a small community and I work in social work and can't go to meetings not that im better than anyone but I can't bump into clients and my employer does not know about any of this...so I think....so public meetings are not an option for me....im hoping to meet with a therapist to talk to someone about this.... I know it seems like im making excuses but I really can't go to meetings...I don't know what else to do...and meetings out of town? well I'd have to travel 45 minutes to an hour to get to one....and I can't really afford to do that....uh....im so frustrating I appreciate everyone's comments....the support on here is amazing.....im going to check out the online meetings on here..I think they are Friday nights?

tomsteve

im a little confused as you say you cant go to meetings yet mention a sponsor.
??????????

saphire39ca

yes I have a temporary sponsor but as I've mentioned before I don't think we are a good match unfortunately....im not trying to be picky but I've reached out to her recently and she was unable to meet with me and said to call if I need anything but it took me everything to actually reach out in the first place...I know sponsors can't drop everything and that they have their own lives etc but I really need someone to push me....I will check out the online meetings on here...I've never attended one so im looking forward to checking it out....