nonblonde

I've been struggling to sober again for awhile. I had almost a week and was doing well...really well in that I was "doing" healthy things. I've had issues all my life with alcohol. But in the last couple of years I had sort of fooled myself into thinking I had it licked (somewhat). I was working nights rather than days. IF I did have a drink after work ..which was pretty darn often. It was usually only one or two ...because the night was pretty much done. I could just go to bed after. A few months ago I went back to an administrative job..so back to the regular 9 to 5.....

And I realized I didn't have it "licked" at all...suddenly I had evenings and weekends to fill.....
And I did...
with drinking...

So last week after a week of sobriety and going to the gym nightly and coming home and making dinner and reading a book or watching television... feeling great really...

I thought I could have a couple drinks....
A couple drinks turned into a drunk. There are some more gritty details I need not get into... I drank again every days for a few more days..
And I realized how freaking BORING that truly is..
But I also realized how much I have turned to the drink because I am bored...and/or lonely...

If I wasn't filling my evening with a good workout and productive plans.. then I was pouring a glass of wine at 4:45 which led to the whole bottle...

In my long winded way, I'm just trying to say "I hear ya". The wide open space of a weeknight evening and then the fortnight of a weekend...

HAS to be spent somehow.... I think you're onto something with taking a different route. We gotta change things up a little. Some people do find tremendous refuge and insight by yes, going to AA meetings because it does help fill the time. Gives ya somewhere to go on a Tuesday or Friday night...and heck you're even SAFE to drive to it!!!

I lived on that empty evening/weekend treadmill of boozing to fill space and kill time....a long time.

No more.

Dee74

Hi CountryChick

are you working to some kind of recovery plan? If not I really recommend it

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

with no plan you're really at the mercy of your urges?
D

CountryChick

Thank you for your post nonblonde! It really helps to know that others have been where I am or are going through the same struggles. I failed again last night but I am not going to give in.
And, Dee74 no I don't have a plan. I think that is my biggest problem. Because when it hits and I want a drink I don't know what to do. I try to talk myself out of it but it never works. It gets so frustrating. I printed out the link that you shared and I'm going to start working on a wellness toolbox today.

nonblonde

Hey CC... you do need a plan. I think what helps is coming to accept is "the urge" to drink IS going to come. It's not just a matter of saying "ya, I'm done..and it is". Oh how I wish it was so easy..ya ya ya.

What will you do differently tonight after work? Do you have to go home right after or could perhaps wander around some shops? Go to a movie? Pick up some nice sparkling water and fruit juice to have with dinner? Does your partner have a drink after work? What happens when you walk in that door after the day is done. Today is Friday...maybe drive to that other county and check out a meeting? Doesn't really matter who sees you (although I CERTAINLY understand ...I think it's more wanting to avoid that "feeling" of awkwardness and discomfort when seeing someone we know...caught in the headlights maybe?). Ugh.

tekink

it is extremely frustrating! when the craving hits me I've learned to just accept it instead of fight it. If I fight it, it then nags on me. If I just accept that I'm craving alcohol and then tell myself I'm not going to drink the cravings tend to lose power much faster. It's still frustrating it's just that I can get past it (for a short while) easier that way.

I end up mad at the world without even realizing it at first.

CountryChick

Most of the time I get off work at 4:00, I usually buy beer on the way home unless I have some hidden at home. My fiancé doesn't drink at all and he's very much against me drinking because of how I've acting while drunk in the past.
It's awful, but I usually drink as fast as I can before he gets home. He usually gets there around 6:00. That's one reason I buy liquor at times because I can go have a shot while he's there and he won't catch me. But, usually before I know it I'm wasted and all hell breaks loose when I get like that. Wow, doesn't that sound just like a selfish drunk! I can't believe I've let myself turn into this. It changes me into someone I hate but yet I find myself back in the bottle again each time!

This evening should be a little different. My fiancé and I are supposed to go out on a "date" since my son will be at a ballgame. And I sure as heck don't need to chug a few down before we do that. Most days its that short period of time when I leave work that's the hardest. When I'm alone its hard too! Who am I kidding its always hard, those are just the worst times. That's why I do have to come up with a plan! I've proven to myself before that I can do it, when I was sober for 90 days. The first days are the hardest!

nonblonde

Okay..nice you have a supportive partner regarding sobriety. Some have that added "nasty incentive" to keep wasting their lives in drunkardness.

The part of your post I highlighted reminded me of something I came across yesterday that kind of freaked me out a little. I'm guessing you participate in Facebook? Well...you know how they give those old "People You May Know" friend suggestions? For the past while the face of the gal who used to work at the wine store I visited ..daily...keeps popping us as a suggestion. I've typically just ignored it with a quick wince. This was a few years back (when I worked days) when I would stop on the way home each day directly after vowing each morning that I would not. I no longer live in that town..haven't for a couple of years.

I never knew her name...we weren't buddies or anything. She just always served me booze on those stops home after work.. Now one would think there must be some connection right..mutual drunkard friends or something. Yesterday I actually "clicked" on her profile. Nope..not one mutual friend! Nothing remotely similar or parallel about our lives except for the fact I used to see her daily.... and it's like she's only popped up on Facebook since I have been struggling to sober up again.... Yesterday I had to wonder simply about the synchronicity of the Universe... like it's watching me and giving me clues... argh.

Great you have a "plan" for tonight. How long will you have to wait between end of your day and his? That's the time to zero in on. Hang out here. Stop and buy something new for date night? Get waxed or tweezed or hair set or something?

Hair done..not "set"

CountryChick

Nonblonde it is weird how things like that happen. Thanks for your support.

Usually I have about 2 hours. See like right now I have it on my mind even as I post on here. I keep thinking of where I could stop and buy some on the way home. And I know I shouldn't. I just keep going back and forth in my head...thinking should I or shouldn't I or how am I going to feel with it or without I! This is the way I am everyday of my life. Ugh!! I hate it! I literally have 30 minutes to figure out what I'm going to do to stop it....

nonblonde

This is the viscious little nattering our mind does in its attempt to persuade. Your future tripping. The only way you will know how it feels to be without it is to actually BE there in that moment. You cannot answer that...your nattery mind CAN'T answer that..it simply cannot.

You have to show up and...see how you feel. And there's the rub right?

If it was working for you...that little answer of a few beers...you would NOT be here.

It's the now you have to deal with. You get by moment by moment by moment. You just have to commit to being sobering right now...each time you face the now.

Face your now...and get out of the future. Just keep looking your now right in the eye. Get out of....how will I feel later...

neither you are your addictive voice can answer that now.

Stay with the now.

GreenSwimmer

Hey CountryChick,

How did it go last night?

Quincy

Hi CountryChick. I just read this post for the first time. I hope you are doing well today. I just want to throw something out here that my counselor told me the other day that I though was so simple, but yet so true.

He told me while sitting in his office, "If we want a pizza right now we can hope that by some miracle a pizza guy will knock on the door with a pizza...I'm sure stranger things have happened, but if we really want a pizza we would have a much greater chance of getting one if we order it".

This story could relate to having a plan. If we want sobriety we can either hope for it or put a plan together and take actions to get it.

wildflower70

Hello Swimmer and Country Chick...Yep, this came from me...I have learned in the past 30 years of trying to drink away the shame...why not just let go of the shame? I am human, I have an addiction...but I am more!!

Again....Love yourself now more than ever, and forgive yourself for being an addict. You are more than the mistakes you have made....much MORE!

CelticZebra

NOW is really important, as in I never now drink or now I am doing something different with my time.
Thinking about how the future will be can cause huge anxiety.

For me thoughts of the future without drinking keep me calm but it takes practice which is so worth it.
You might be interested to find out more about this technique called AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) which basically teaches how to recognise any and all thoughts of drinking as coming from the AV (Addictive Voice).
After a few weeks of 're-training' the brain and repeating my mantra/Big Plan/belief of 'I never now drink'
I am cured
3 years on I still never now drink after a 20 year problem with alcohol and plenty of relapses.

Hope you too can learn to stop and stayed stopped.

It would be good to hear how your date evening went and how you are doing.
Keep on keeping on

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

CountryChick

Well I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say that I did stop after work Friday and bought liquor. I really did not want to post that I did. I ended up not having the date night because he knew I was drinking. Needless to say its been an awful weekend. I pretty much stayed drunk all day yesterday and have been in the bed most of the day today. I have no more alcohol that I know of. You all are right I need to take it minute by minute. I actually passed up the liquor store and got almost home and then I turned around. I can't believe I gave in like that. From now on I have to have a plan or I won't make it. My sister told me to call her on the way home everyday after work. Maybe that will help I don't know. First thing tomorrow I'm going to call and get an appointment with a counselor. Thank you all for the encouraging posts!

Quincy

Hang in there Countrychick. Tomorrow is another day and a new beginning. Take care and stick around.

nonblonde

Hey CC...you passed that liquor store and you almost got home. Well at least you passed by it. The choice to turn around didn't work out well it seems.
What lie did your mind tell you to make you turn around? What specifically? Did it tell you the night would be a success with "just a little"?

Pass by it again today and get home and get out of your car and walk in your door. See it in your mind's eye. See yourself doing all those things.

Thoughts are with you.

CountryChick

Nonblonde I told myself that I need to just keep some on hand just in case. I was feeling anxious and I thought maybe just 1 or 2 shots before my date, I won't act like a fool, he will never know. All the lies I tell myself over and over. But of course that didn't happen. As soon as I got home I took several shots and he could tell right away. I continued Saturday drinking and slept most of the day and some Sunday morning. I was extremely hungover Sunday. I didn't deserve it but my fiancé cooked me breakfast Sunday morning and he took me out to eat Sunday night. We talked and he's just worried and tired of watching me slowly kill myself. I managed to stay sober yesterday thankfully. I finally started working on my wellness toolbox and I've been writing down the good and the bad of drinking. And I gotta tell you there's not much good I could really think of. I don't have a drop of alcohol in my house. When I leave work today I'm going to call my sister on the ride home so she can maybe talk me out of it if I'm wanting to stop. I also thought I may stop and get something to eat instead because usually after I've ate I don't want to drink as bad. So I'm feeling positive right now and I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and my mind on the goal of sobriety!

nonblonde

Wonderful! You did it. Sounds like you have a loving partner who just wants you to be your best self. Fantastic. Funny you mentioned about not wanting to drink after eating. I too had to remind myself of H.A.L.T yesterday (cravings that hit when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired). I'm struggling with some allergies and antihistamines make me drowsy. Anyhoo ...after work I wasn't able to go to the gym as I usually try to right after. I was feeling wiped right out!! And guess what I wanted? A drink. Something in my brain kept saying "just stop for a pint or a glass of wine...it's all you need and then go home and relax with a movie..just one, just one, just one".... Aaaaaagh.

I was feeling crappy and whiney and just wanted a drink. In the end..I stopped and bought...chocolate! lol. Lesser of all evils.

So glad to hear you're doing well!

CountryChick

Thanks! I haven't ever heard of H.A.L.T. Cravings sure do hit because of those reasons for sure!

Sorry you're dealing with allergies, that can be rough. Good for you for not giving in! That sounds just like me feeling crappy and whiney. Chocolate is always a good idea! Thanks for all your advice

CountryChick

Well I made it thru Day 2 yesterday!! I called my sister on my way home from work, I had planned to go to her house if the urge to drink was too strong. But, my fiancé ended up coming home early from work so that helped too knowing he would be there. The thoughts of buying alcohol were definitely on my mind but I had my mind set that I was not stopping no matter what. I got home and got on the bike then the treadmill and I never had a craving for it the rest of the night. I worked in my notebook on my daily maintenance plan and trying to figure out my triggers. I still didn’t sleep very good but I like waking up sober!
Overall I’m feeling good and positive today. I’m trying to work on changing my normal way of thinking. I’m feeling confident I’ll make it through Day 3!