Depressed: Wanted to Talk
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Depressed: Wanted to Talk
Just wanted to talk.
Going through a bit of depression now and since you are among my closest friends, I just wanted to talk. Hope that’s O.K.
It’s the past. Hard to get away from it. As you know, I’m over 89, going on 90 now, and my wife is 88. We’ve both had sad times in our lives and for many years I must have made it worse with my drinking. As many of you know, that was episodic and went on for nearly forty years. I quit entirely in 1988 and in a month or so will have 28 years of sobriety. Any craving for drink has vanished but I’m always aware of making the door locked on the supermax in which I am resolved that my AV must remain. But I’ve still got to deal with the guilt, and the shame of my drinking.
I’m lonely, have few friends except for my wife and she is lonely, or says she is. She’s also affected by the past. Had two sisters and was more or less ignored or ridiculed by her parents in favor of the other two. So at times she is very sensitive and then we have trouble talking and sometimes that makes things worse. I think that maybe we have only a few, possibly three or four, years left to live and it would be a pity if these were saddened by the past. “Ghosts”. Was it the Ibsen’s play that dealt with the ghosts of the past which never seemed to leave? Particularly at night, in the sleepless hours?
Our little dog is a help. We’ve given him so much love that he has no “ghosts”. And a look into his eyes gets you to where love resides, love which I hope waits in the hereafter. Love from an understanding and all forgiving God in whom increasingly I have come to believe. I am no Catholic but tomorrow, when they sanctify the Blessed Mother Teresa, I shall be watching Pope Francis, a man I much admire, preside. May God have mercy on us all and preserve us from hate, anger, envy, greed and the other evils which plague the world in which we live.
Bill
Going through a bit of depression now and since you are among my closest friends, I just wanted to talk. Hope that’s O.K.
It’s the past. Hard to get away from it. As you know, I’m over 89, going on 90 now, and my wife is 88. We’ve both had sad times in our lives and for many years I must have made it worse with my drinking. As many of you know, that was episodic and went on for nearly forty years. I quit entirely in 1988 and in a month or so will have 28 years of sobriety. Any craving for drink has vanished but I’m always aware of making the door locked on the supermax in which I am resolved that my AV must remain. But I’ve still got to deal with the guilt, and the shame of my drinking.
I’m lonely, have few friends except for my wife and she is lonely, or says she is. She’s also affected by the past. Had two sisters and was more or less ignored or ridiculed by her parents in favor of the other two. So at times she is very sensitive and then we have trouble talking and sometimes that makes things worse. I think that maybe we have only a few, possibly three or four, years left to live and it would be a pity if these were saddened by the past. “Ghosts”. Was it the Ibsen’s play that dealt with the ghosts of the past which never seemed to leave? Particularly at night, in the sleepless hours?
Our little dog is a help. We’ve given him so much love that he has no “ghosts”. And a look into his eyes gets you to where love resides, love which I hope waits in the hereafter. Love from an understanding and all forgiving God in whom increasingly I have come to believe. I am no Catholic but tomorrow, when they sanctify the Blessed Mother Teresa, I shall be watching Pope Francis, a man I much admire, preside. May God have mercy on us all and preserve us from hate, anger, envy, greed and the other evils which plague the world in which we live.
Bill
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
Dear Bill
Sorry to hear that you are down. I have seen many of your lovely posts. I find them so caring and uplifting I am always happy to see them. Your sober years are impressive. I hope I get to say that one day. Do you and your wife go out very much or is that difficult?
While I am younger, I have found since I quit that life is quiet and at times rather lonely. Sometimes I have to force myself out. Today I forced myself out to a lovely park that has a small farm on it. Treated myself to a popsicle from the ice cream truck outside the park.
Thinking about you, sending some light your way
Sorry to hear that you are down. I have seen many of your lovely posts. I find them so caring and uplifting I am always happy to see them. Your sober years are impressive. I hope I get to say that one day. Do you and your wife go out very much or is that difficult?
While I am younger, I have found since I quit that life is quiet and at times rather lonely. Sometimes I have to force myself out. Today I forced myself out to a lovely park that has a small farm on it. Treated myself to a popsicle from the ice cream truck outside the park.
Thinking about you, sending some light your way
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hi, Bill,
I hope that you can take strength and pride in 28 years of sobriety. That's an extraordinary accomplishment. Perhaps it's finally time to let go of the shame, friend.
I wish I had a cure for loneliness. Please know you are cared for deeply here on SR, and equally respected.
I hope that you can take strength and pride in 28 years of sobriety. That's an extraordinary accomplishment. Perhaps it's finally time to let go of the shame, friend.
I wish I had a cure for loneliness. Please know you are cared for deeply here on SR, and equally respected.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: northern california
Posts: 740
depression is rough no doubt I deal with it with exercise and meeting face to face with people in meetings and SR has been a big help.
I can only wish you the best not knowing your situation or health at 89 it might limit what you can do.
I can only wish you the best not knowing your situation or health at 89 it might limit what you can do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,059
Hi Bill,
Sending you some virtual hugs. Your posts always make me smile, and the support you offer others on this site is incredible.
Thank you for being an inspiration to so many of us.
❤️ Delilah
Sending you some virtual hugs. Your posts always make me smile, and the support you offer others on this site is incredible.
Thank you for being an inspiration to so many of us.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,951
Sending you so much love, Bill.
Hope that you can see in yourself the goodness that all of us continue to see in you. Hope, too, that you can let the past lie peacefully behind you.
Love, Leigh
Hope that you can see in yourself the goodness that all of us continue to see in you. Hope, too, that you can let the past lie peacefully behind you.
Love, Leigh
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,600
Hi Bill. I'm glad you're talking about it here ... we're here for you. I appreciate your posts and always learn something from them.
About the past ... surely 28 years of sobriety counts for something? We've all made mistakes in our younger years. You seem to have a good heart and I think that's what matters.
My husband and I joke a lot about our "permanent record" -- that thing they threatened us with in grammar school. We joke that in our home, there's no permanent record --- we're allowed to let the past just be in the past, and try to live in the here and now.
Hugs to you.
About the past ... surely 28 years of sobriety counts for something? We've all made mistakes in our younger years. You seem to have a good heart and I think that's what matters.
My husband and I joke a lot about our "permanent record" -- that thing they threatened us with in grammar school. We joke that in our home, there's no permanent record --- we're allowed to let the past just be in the past, and try to live in the here and now.
Hugs to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
P.S. For anyone who wishes to watch the canonization in Rome, the Holy Mass and canonization by Pope Francis is set for 4:30 a.m. ET (3:30 p.m. Central) on Sunday, Sept. 4. You can view the online stream at ucatholic.com.
Bill
Bill
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,247
Hello Bill, i am sorry that you are feeling low.
I think life can be tough for old people in the West - from a companionship point of view - small nuclear families are not good in that respect but on the other hand it is a really positive thing that you still have each other for company
I would agree with what others have said in that 28 years sobriety is an immense achievement. On top of that I don't suppose many non- alcoholics go through life without regrets, indeed my own regrets stem from misdeeds I did before I was an alcoholic and probably contributed to me becoming one
I think my point is whilst it is good to acknowledge regrets letting them dominate your thoughts serves no good purpose
I wish you all the best and thank you for your very positive contribution to SR
I think life can be tough for old people in the West - from a companionship point of view - small nuclear families are not good in that respect but on the other hand it is a really positive thing that you still have each other for company
I would agree with what others have said in that 28 years sobriety is an immense achievement. On top of that I don't suppose many non- alcoholics go through life without regrets, indeed my own regrets stem from misdeeds I did before I was an alcoholic and probably contributed to me becoming one
I think my point is whilst it is good to acknowledge regrets letting them dominate your thoughts serves no good purpose
I wish you all the best and thank you for your very positive contribution to SR
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 57
The ghost of the girl in the well
What you say about ghosts and lament made me think of this :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbwZRjSdR28
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbwZRjSdR28
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
Dear Bill-
I'm sending you cyber hugs, too. I always enjoy your insight, and your experience strength and hope. Plus, it certainly seems you are one smart and tough cookie.
I am an admirer of Pope Francis, also:
“Joy adapts and changes, but it always endures, even as a flicker of light born of our personal certainty that, when everything is said and done, we are infinitely loved.”
― Pope Francis, Evangelii Gaudium: The Joy of the Gospel
I'm sending you cyber hugs, too. I always enjoy your insight, and your experience strength and hope. Plus, it certainly seems you are one smart and tough cookie.
I am an admirer of Pope Francis, also:
“Joy adapts and changes, but it always endures, even as a flicker of light born of our personal certainty that, when everything is said and done, we are infinitely loved.”
― Pope Francis, Evangelii Gaudium: The Joy of the Gospel
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 350
Hi Bill,
We are very lonely too. People play "safe over sorry" -- safe to befriend people who won't "tarnish" your reputation (damned-by -association for doing ANYTHING untoward or questionable).
So what. You have your wife, and I'm sure that she loves you.
I met my "soul mate" over 25 years ago, and we love talking about the things we have done together over the years: Good AND not so good.
Would you consider "Memoir Writing"? Simply writing a day to day account of your life Plus memories of your life? This kind of writing is IMPORTANT and precious beyond belief. Also healing.
Just my feeling, but I think that your years ahead could possibly be the best of your life.
Much love, Dame
We are very lonely too. People play "safe over sorry" -- safe to befriend people who won't "tarnish" your reputation (damned-by -association for doing ANYTHING untoward or questionable).
So what. You have your wife, and I'm sure that she loves you.
I met my "soul mate" over 25 years ago, and we love talking about the things we have done together over the years: Good AND not so good.
Would you consider "Memoir Writing"? Simply writing a day to day account of your life Plus memories of your life? This kind of writing is IMPORTANT and precious beyond belief. Also healing.
Just my feeling, but I think that your years ahead could possibly be the best of your life.
Much love, Dame
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 166
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Bill. I struggle with depression, too. It's really, really, really hard. In my experience nothing beats animal therapy...especially dogs. I'm glad you have him there to keep you company.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi Bill, I also wish to say thank you for all your posts. I always get something out of them. You help a lot of people here and your kindness shines through your writing.
I'm glad you find comfort in your belief in God, I do too. I am not a believer of any conventional religion but I believe in a loving, compassionate power, one that is larger than what I can experience with my five physiological senses and one that connects us all. This belief gives me the strength to live life with what I hope is courage, and kindness to others.
I too believe you will find love on the "other side" which is the same source of love you see in your dog's eyes. In other words, we do not have to wait to pass over to experience that love. You do see the same sort of love every day here on SR too. Please continue to give us the benefit of your experience, kindness and especially love, Bill. As I hope you can see, many of us are grateful for it, and we are happy to give it back.
I'm glad you find comfort in your belief in God, I do too. I am not a believer of any conventional religion but I believe in a loving, compassionate power, one that is larger than what I can experience with my five physiological senses and one that connects us all. This belief gives me the strength to live life with what I hope is courage, and kindness to others.
I too believe you will find love on the "other side" which is the same source of love you see in your dog's eyes. In other words, we do not have to wait to pass over to experience that love. You do see the same sort of love every day here on SR too. Please continue to give us the benefit of your experience, kindness and especially love, Bill. As I hope you can see, many of us are grateful for it, and we are happy to give it back.
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