FaithfulAndFree

The last time I drank was the day before yesterday. And while I made it home safe and sound, I don't remember the drive. And what keeps eating at me is that I had 2 kids that I love very much in the car with me. The "what ifs" keeps playing in my head. And what does that say about me? I've never done this before and would be infuriated to ever hear of someone risking the lives of innocent children. I hate myself for doing it and I can't forgive myself.

doggonecarl

There is no undoing what we have done. All we can do is never repeat the act.

Let this be your wake-up call.

SoberLife90

You don't ever have to make that mistake again. You can make amends to your children and yourself by making a decision to STAY SOBER!

Behappy1

You may never forgive yourself. But you can ensure that it never happens again. You can ensure that you and your kids have a better life sober. Thankfully you all made it home safe and sound. This can be your wake up call.

There are MANY things that I CANNOT forgive myself for while drinking. It goes against every grain of my moral being. Most of them were done and I don't even remember it. That is scary. Try not to focus on the past, but let it motivate you to be better for the future.

hopeful4

See this as a chance, a true wake up call. You are right, had those kids been hurt, it would be on your shoulders. Don't look at what if's, look at what you are going to do to improve your quality of life, and theirs as well. There is absolutely no point in living in the past, but you hold the future.

MIRecovery

The question is what plan do you have to make sure it never happens again?

silentrun

Holy crap that's scary. It isn't going to do any good to hate yourself over it but this has GOT to be where this ends. No more OK!

Centered3

That's the insanity of the disease of alcoholism. It tells you to drink and drive even though you have two kids in the back seat, and you're risking your life, their lives, and everyone else's lives on the road. It doesn't care. It just wants you to drink and lies to you and tells you everything will be fine.

I had to finally admit I could not control my alcoholism no matter how hard I tried. No amount of will power could help me. No changes in external things could help me. The problem wasn't other people, situations, my past, etc. The problem was ME.

I couldn't forgive myself either, until I swallowed my pride and started working the steps in AA. It was through the step work that I learned to forgive others and then to forgive myself.

If I was in your shoes, I'd be thinking, What is it going to take?

Nonsensical

The problem has been identified.

What's the solution?

FaithfulAndFree

no more!

ZenLifter

It might be more helpful to think of yourself as a sick person trying to get well, than to mentally flog yourself for breaking some moral code. If feeling guilty and hating myself fixed anything, I would have quit drinking long before I did. (((Hugs)))

FaithfulAndFree

Thanks. This isolated incident has truly shown me the power of this disease. I over love and am over cautious with my kid. So this is an outright horrendous and eye opening experience. This will never happen again. I am willing to go any length to convince myself that I am not the person I displayed that night. I will be sober. This time I'm changing everything. I won't believe I'm smart enough to beat this disease. I am humbled and horrified. NEVER AGAIN. I promise you

FaithfulAndFree

I have decided to start therapy along with AVRT. The therapy will play an integral role in me being able to heal from the inside out. I don't expect the urges to completely go away but by fixing me I'm hoping that the triggers will lessen.

FaithfulAndFree

Thanks. I needed that.

Dee74

I find it best to remember we;re not bad people, but good people with a problem.

You're doing all you can to stop that problem breaking out again...stop beating yourself up

D

KarenOskie

I agree with all the others. I'm so glad no one was hurt! If you're an alcoholic like me, the only way to keep it from happening again is to make a stay sober plan and stick to it. There's no telling what will happen once we pick up a drink.
There are a lot of things I can't forgive myself for, too. I am hoping that working the twelve steps and staying sober will lead me to forgive myself and stay sober and make some amends to those I hurt.
Thanks for having the courage to share this!

Ethos23

I had many many many situations like this in my drinking career. After 2 and a half years sober, I noticed that these situations bring pain. Not pain from not being able to forgive yourself, but pain from the standpoint of knowing you did something irresponsible and that if you don't change your drinking or other addictive behaviors, it will happen again. Once you get help and really work at it, you will still have pain from such situations, but you can look at it in the light of gratitude. Gratitude that it will never happen again.

MIRecovery

The words "never again" unfortunately are just words. If you are in a black out again those words will be long forgotten. I do not believe there is an alcoholic on the planet that has not said and believed that they would never do something again only to do it again.

It is the first drink not the last that is our problem. Words that have meaning are, "I will never drink again and I will never change my mind." These words will insure the safety of your child and others that need protection.

Harsh words. You bet. I've lost a child through no fault of own and the pain is unbearable so I doubt anyone could survive if they were the cause.

The one common factor in those who get sober are those who are willing to do anything to beat this foe.

Prayers are going out that this wake up call will put you on the path of life long sobriety.

Hevyn

Faithful - drinking caused me to do reckless things. My behavior haunted me to the point that I'd start drinking again to calm myself. Please forgive the drunk you and vow to heal and be the genuine you. I'm so glad everyone's ok. You have learned something valuable.

talldude

Not only did you put the lives of others at risk but you put your own life at risk as well. I know because I've done it so many times that I don't care to count...because the guilt will eat me alive...there is nothing I can do to apologize for the hundreds if not thousands of lives I put at risk...except realize my sickness and what it does to my judgment. Since I quit drinking, I have driven drunk exactly 0 times. lol Go figure...

Where I came from, it was a rite of passage. If you were a man's man, then you went to the bar, you power drank a bunch of beer in a short period of time, and you drove home. I've sat around an analyzed why I let myself get into such a state where I was willing to risk the lives of other people as well as risk my life or my own freedom (vehicular manslaughter or vehicular assault are both felonies). Guess what...I cannot give you a good reason why I behaved badly. There is no excuse. The best reason, if you will, I can give myself is that I have a disease. It sounds like you do too.

A friend of mine told me not too long ago to not beat myself up and not hate myself for the bad things I've done. I don't know you, but I'm gonna pass that advice on to you.