Is this happiness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 9
Is this happiness
Just trying to figure out if life will get better.
My husband of 22 years is an alcoholic and I think, emotionally abusive.
He lost his career of 17 years because of drinking on the job, bad mouthing the owners to his employees under him and going out drinking with one of them and trying to get this person to quit with him to start up another business. The employee went to the owners and told them everything. My husband had an inappropriate relationship with my then best friend who worked for him.
He left me in the hospital, alone, while I was getting blood transfusions to save my life. Because he needed to be at work, so he says. He has had numerous inappropriate on line relationships that he promised to end. I found that he had kept them secretly. Of course, he said it's no big deal. It's just talk and pics. But he never notices me or compliments me on anything.
Last year I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After brain surgery I came home and he needed to drink because he was stressed out. My teenage daughter ended up caring of me. He then demanded that I go back to work 2 weeks after my surgery because we need the money. I work for his family, by the way. They refuse to see that he has a problem and drink with him. After the one time he was physically abusive to me in front of our children, my boss ( his sibling) said no wonder this happened I've seen all the ****** dishes in your sink. Your kitchen should be sparkling at night.
If I try to talk to him about his drinking he sighs and says, Jesus Christ, here we go adding on more stress and then ends up giving me the silent treatment. Or he will say, what's the big deal it's not like I'm getting crazy or anything, you're too uptight.
I have recently started getting panic attacks and depression.
I thought that he would have gotten over this by now. Will this ever get better?
All I want is some peace.
Thank you!
My husband of 22 years is an alcoholic and I think, emotionally abusive.
He lost his career of 17 years because of drinking on the job, bad mouthing the owners to his employees under him and going out drinking with one of them and trying to get this person to quit with him to start up another business. The employee went to the owners and told them everything. My husband had an inappropriate relationship with my then best friend who worked for him.
He left me in the hospital, alone, while I was getting blood transfusions to save my life. Because he needed to be at work, so he says. He has had numerous inappropriate on line relationships that he promised to end. I found that he had kept them secretly. Of course, he said it's no big deal. It's just talk and pics. But he never notices me or compliments me on anything.
Last year I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After brain surgery I came home and he needed to drink because he was stressed out. My teenage daughter ended up caring of me. He then demanded that I go back to work 2 weeks after my surgery because we need the money. I work for his family, by the way. They refuse to see that he has a problem and drink with him. After the one time he was physically abusive to me in front of our children, my boss ( his sibling) said no wonder this happened I've seen all the ****** dishes in your sink. Your kitchen should be sparkling at night.
If I try to talk to him about his drinking he sighs and says, Jesus Christ, here we go adding on more stress and then ends up giving me the silent treatment. Or he will say, what's the big deal it's not like I'm getting crazy or anything, you're too uptight.
I have recently started getting panic attacks and depression.
I thought that he would have gotten over this by now. Will this ever get better?
All I want is some peace.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
So sorry for what brings you here.
You know it isn't happiness. And I think, deep down, you know that it won't get better.
Some alcoholics CHOOSE to stop drinking and work a program of recovery. But this is not an easy road to walk, even when they want it with all their heart. I know, because I am doing it. There is no way I could have done it under duress for someone else. Your husband doesn't seem to see his drinking, his lying, his infidelity and his emotional detachment as problematic. That's because they don't cause him a problem. Not really. You're there to deal with it all.
I would strongly suggest that you investigate your local alanon meetings, and also repost your original message in the friends and family area. Those folk have all been through what you're going through, and have lots of sound advice to share.
I hope that you get the advise you need to help you move to a happier and more joyful life, and surround yourself with people who treat you with love and respect (or at least find the strength to remove yourself from those who do / can not.)
You know it isn't happiness. And I think, deep down, you know that it won't get better.
Some alcoholics CHOOSE to stop drinking and work a program of recovery. But this is not an easy road to walk, even when they want it with all their heart. I know, because I am doing it. There is no way I could have done it under duress for someone else. Your husband doesn't seem to see his drinking, his lying, his infidelity and his emotional detachment as problematic. That's because they don't cause him a problem. Not really. You're there to deal with it all.
I would strongly suggest that you investigate your local alanon meetings, and also repost your original message in the friends and family area. Those folk have all been through what you're going through, and have lots of sound advice to share.
I hope that you get the advise you need to help you move to a happier and more joyful life, and surround yourself with people who treat you with love and respect (or at least find the strength to remove yourself from those who do / can not.)
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
He sounds like an alcoholic to me. He has lost the power of choice in drink, and I bet he is torn up inside with guilt over how he is behaving. His family sounds pretty disfunctional too.
Knowing that doesn't help. My overwhelming feeling reading your post was that it is time to take care of yourself. It is hard to believe your family could treat you so poorly. In my book, that is not what family is about.
Alanon may be a good place to start in solving your problem. You will meet people with the same problems who have found a way forward. Maybe they can help.
Knowing that doesn't help. My overwhelming feeling reading your post was that it is time to take care of yourself. It is hard to believe your family could treat you so poorly. In my book, that is not what family is about.
Alanon may be a good place to start in solving your problem. You will meet people with the same problems who have found a way forward. Maybe they can help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Sounds like it won't get better with him around.
I wouldn't assume that this behavior is all about drinking---
maybe he's just an azzhole who drinks.
Drinking may make it worse, but his lack of empathy, and that of his family,
clearly go much deeper.
What do you want for yourself in the long-term?
Al-Anon may be a good start to begin figuring this out.
I wouldn't assume that this behavior is all about drinking---
maybe he's just an azzhole who drinks.
Drinking may make it worse, but his lack of empathy, and that of his family,
clearly go much deeper.
What do you want for yourself in the long-term?
Al-Anon may be a good start to begin figuring this out.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I don't know what you see, but I see an angry, manipulative and abusive person.
Drunk or sober, there's no excuse for his behavior. It's time for you to get the help you need in order to take care of yourself and protect yourself from your husband.
Drunk or sober, there's no excuse for his behavior. It's time for you to get the help you need in order to take care of yourself and protect yourself from your husband.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 979
I agree with the others. This is manipulative, spiteful and abusive. There is no excuse for this behavior. Get the help that you need. I lived in a co-dependent lifestyle for YEARS. I am now on the other side of the fence because of the years of manipulative dysfunction that I tolerated. I am here to tell you that years and years can be lost by being complacent. Years that you cannot get back. I wish I had been proactive years ago and gotten out. Instead I fought and believed that I could help someone.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
You are being abused and I hope that you seek help. I'm sure you don't want your teenage daughter to believe it's okay for a woman to be treated like this. Here is the information we have on help for abused women:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support (US)
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Canada: Home « HotPeachPages International
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support (US)
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Canada: Home « HotPeachPages International
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Livingdeadgirll 
Just trying to figure out if life will get better.
My husband of 22 years is an alcoholic and I think, emotionally abusive.
He lost his career of 17 years because of drinking on the job, bad mouthing the owners to his employees under him and going out drinking with one of them and trying to get this person to quit with him to start up another business. The employee went to the owners and told them everything. My husband had an inappropriate relationship with my then best friend who worked for him.
He left me in the hospital, alone, while I was getting blood transfusions to save my life. Because he needed to be at work, so he says. He has had numerous inappropriate on line relationships that he promised to end. I found that he had kept them secretly. Of course, he said it's no big deal. It's just talk and pics. But he never notices me or compliments me on anything.
Last year I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After brain surgery I came home and he needed to drink because he was stressed out. My teenage daughter ended up caring of me. He then demanded that I go back to work 2 weeks after my surgery because we need the money. I work for his family, by the way. They refuse to see that he has a problem and drink with him. After the one time he was physically abusive to me in front of our children, my boss ( his sibling) said no wonder this happened I've seen all the ****** dishes in your sink. Your kitchen should be sparkling at night.
If I try to talk to him about his drinking he sighs and says, Jesus Christ, here we go adding on more stress and then ends up giving me the silent treatment. Or he will say, what's the big deal it's not like I'm getting crazy or anything, you're too uptight.
I have recently started getting panic attacks and depression.
I thought that he would have gotten over this by now. Will this ever get better?
All I want is some peace.
Thank you!
My husband of 22 years is an alcoholic and I think, emotionally abusive.
He lost his career of 17 years because of drinking on the job, bad mouthing the owners to his employees under him and going out drinking with one of them and trying to get this person to quit with him to start up another business. The employee went to the owners and told them everything. My husband had an inappropriate relationship with my then best friend who worked for him.
He left me in the hospital, alone, while I was getting blood transfusions to save my life. Because he needed to be at work, so he says. He has had numerous inappropriate on line relationships that he promised to end. I found that he had kept them secretly. Of course, he said it's no big deal. It's just talk and pics. But he never notices me or compliments me on anything.
Last year I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After brain surgery I came home and he needed to drink because he was stressed out. My teenage daughter ended up caring of me. He then demanded that I go back to work 2 weeks after my surgery because we need the money. I work for his family, by the way. They refuse to see that he has a problem and drink with him. After the one time he was physically abusive to me in front of our children, my boss ( his sibling) said no wonder this happened I've seen all the ****** dishes in your sink. Your kitchen should be sparkling at night.
If I try to talk to him about his drinking he sighs and says, Jesus Christ, here we go adding on more stress and then ends up giving me the silent treatment. Or he will say, what's the big deal it's not like I'm getting crazy or anything, you're too uptight.
I have recently started getting panic attacks and depression.
I thought that he would have gotten over this by now. Will this ever get better?
All I want is some peace.
Thank you!
Read this link especially; you will probably feel like you wrote it (please at least take time to read about #1, #2, #7, & #8).
13 Examples of Narc Speak | Narcissist Support
Last edited by WeekendWarrior; 07-19-2016 at 07:14 AM. Reason: Removed my opinion & left only the link
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Dump his pathetic @ss! You don't need that baloney and I'm not saying this just because he's got a problem with alcohol. He just sounds like an @sshole in general. Why do you need that? You can have happiness! You can have peace!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Geez, I'm irritated just reading about your husband. I can't imagine what you go through being married to him. This guy is unfortunately the deadly duo... an alcoholic and an *******. I look at it like this, you get one shot at this thing called life so why let some toxic jerk and his enabling family destroy it. You deserve happiness and this is definitely not happiness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
In my opinion someone who has learned abusive behavior is not born that way, they pick up their social conditioning as they grow up. So not only is your husband abusive and neglectful, unfortunately you are entrenched in an environment that seems riddled with systemic abuse and it sounds very misogynistic. That can wear you down so that you start to believe that you are the one who is crazy. You are not! And you have taken an important first step to reach out because deep down inside you know that this is not okay, this is not love.
Abuse thrives on the code of silence and abusers count on you keeping their secrets. It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic, but it sounds like the problems go much deeper. Read all you can here, and listen to that little voice you have inside of you that has gotten quieter over the years of being worn down. I know it feels like you don't have options but you do, and there are people out there who deal with problems like you have every day. The more you lean on people outside of his sick family the more you will begin to understand how much trauma you have been through. The DV lines can help you formulate a plan, but there are always options and solutions.
You have amazing strength. Do you understand how much strength it has taken to endure this for so long? Now you need to use that strength to take care of yourself. And "sparkling kitchen" my ass, I wonder if that person knows we women can even vote now?
Keep your chin up. It took a while to get to this point and it won't get solved overnight, but there is a way out and you deserve it!
Abuse thrives on the code of silence and abusers count on you keeping their secrets. It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic, but it sounds like the problems go much deeper. Read all you can here, and listen to that little voice you have inside of you that has gotten quieter over the years of being worn down. I know it feels like you don't have options but you do, and there are people out there who deal with problems like you have every day. The more you lean on people outside of his sick family the more you will begin to understand how much trauma you have been through. The DV lines can help you formulate a plan, but there are always options and solutions.
You have amazing strength. Do you understand how much strength it has taken to endure this for so long? Now you need to use that strength to take care of yourself. And "sparkling kitchen" my ass, I wonder if that person knows we women can even vote now?
Keep your chin up. It took a while to get to this point and it won't get solved overnight, but there is a way out and you deserve it!
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