theTHINman

The title refers to both my sober journey AND the ice cream flavor, since I seem to be eating about four or five pints of the stuff per week. The sugar cravings I get. No problem. But what is really grinding my gears is this only-slightly-better mental status, where the anxiety and depression seem to rule the roost. I'm at Day 47 now and still having a really, really hard time. Early mornings SUCK - jolted awake by gut-wrenching, all-consuming panic, only to feel like I'm being smashed down into the mattress by some huge, unseen stone hand. It gets better later afternoon/evening, after work and following a workout (running, weights) session.

I know this situation with my wife and me being separated right now isn't helping matters at all - in fact I'm pretty sure it's causing 95% of my discomfort - but I still would think that my condition would have been better by now. This isn't living, it's surviving.

theTHINman

I'm just desperate at this point. I honestly don't know what else do to apart from eating and sleeping well, drinking plenty of water, exercising and doing mindfulness meditation.

Anna

I can recommend a couple of great books for dealing with panic attacks and anxiety. Both of these books have helped me a lot:

'When Panic Attacks' by David Burns, MD
'From Panic to Power' by Lucinda Bassett.

I hope you feel better soon, and congratulations on 47 days sober.

theTHINman

Thanks for the suggestion. I've been doing a lot of mindfulness type exercises lately and they seem to help somewhat, but it still doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm going insane and might never be a fully functioning human being ever again. I've struggled mightily with anxiety/depression for 16 years and this might be the lowest I've ever been.

hopeful4

Just offering support. When there is unrest in a family, it's so hard to not let anxiety take over. I completely understand that.

Keep working on you, keep being sober, SR is here and super proud of you!

theTHINman

Thanks, it's nice to have a place to vent/post/ask for help and I'm extremely grateful for SR. One component of this insanity is CONSTANTLY wanting to change the present moment. The urge to just escape or check out is so unbelievably overwhelming that I'd like to either rip the top of my skull off, scoop my brain out and throw it on the ground OR take a handful of pills followed by like 30 beers. Not to kill myself, but to just be able to stop the pain for several hours.

The need or urge to constantly run away in terror led me to look at a book called "Wherever You Go, There You Are," which I might buy for Kindle. Anyone have any experience with said book?

advbike

Haven't read it.. but if you're waking up in a panic, something is going on mentally. That sort of fear generally comes from negative thoughts.. that lead to a powerful emotional response. I would examine your thoughts that arise first thing upon waking. Do you think of your wife and fear permanent loss? Death? Once you determine what's triggering this response you can work on the fear. Often the emotional response is way out of proportion to the threat.

Just as a side note, too much sugar increases my anxiety, and dairy creates an allergic response. You could also be having a sleep problem that is creating an oxygen deficit, which would result in the sort of wake up panic. Like sleep apnea.. not unheard of. Good on you for working out and practicing mindfulness.

Soberpotamus

Are you seeing a psychologist for your extreme anxiety? Sometimes it's worth getting professional help.

I suffered with anxiety throughout my early adulthood. I saw psychologists, therapists, a couple psychiatrists and did the Lucinda Bassett program that Anna mentioned. It all really helped me deal with it better than if I'd struggled alone.

hopeful4

I completely understand. When I have conflict with my X husband over our children, I just want to run, be anywhere but in that moment. It's terrible.

I cannot change that however, so I know I have to do all I can to learn to handle the stress and anxiety as best I can.

Hugs to you.

ScottFromWI

I'd second this THINMan. I dealt with anxiety for most of my life but never really got professional help until i was sober for a couple of years and still had problems with it. Getting sober helped a LOT, but I had to accept/recognize that my anxiety was a distinct and separate problem that needed professional treatment. I too use mindfulness like you are doing and it definitely helps, but I still find that occasionally counseling sessions are of great benefit.

Darwinia

I am at day 60 and still have the sugar craving. Never expected it. As a drinker I did not bother with sweet stuff. Not sure if you want to try a mild mood stabiliser. It works for me.

theTHINman

Thanks, all. I am seeing a psychiatrist, a new one, and our first meeting was very productive. I kind of felt bad for him because I came in there with a whole ball of issues - substance abuse, marriage troubles - and it was kind of hard to find a starting place. But we got through most of it and this next appointment should yield some good results. As for the root of my anxiety, the thought that constantly plagues me is of her not loving me anymore and withdrawing both her affection and presence in my life. It cripples me. In the event that she DOES decide to stay with me and work things out, I worry that things won't ever be the same and that she'll never be in love or respect me again.

I also wonder how much of this emotional turbulence is still alcohol/drug withdrawal. I know that some people on here said it took as long as two months to even start to feel somewhat better again, so maybe I'm in that boat. Maybe I'm just hoping for a moment of tranquility and peace that might never come. But it doesn't mean I won't stop fighting the fight. Would be really nice, though, if they had flags like in NASCAR that tell you how many more laps you've got before the race is over!

Soberwolf

Your making good strides

Soberpotamus

It can take a little while to work out some of the emotional turbulence, sure. Things in the brain are rewiring, and we're learning to find acceptance and peace about certain things. I personally had to grieve my mom's death. Lots of things going on when I got sober.

I do remember all those psychologists and therapists telling me I'd never get very far in therapy until I quit drinking. To some degree, that was true. But I have to disagree with them on some level. I learned coping skills and self-awareness that helped despite my drinking.

Sounds like you're in good hands with the shrink, Thinman.

About relationships ... it's tough but there's the reality that I can not stop my husband from being or doing what he wants to be or do. I can't make him a neater, tidier person. I can't make him throw away his clutter. And I can't make him less neurotic about money. But I can only control how I react to him.

If he cheated on me and left me tomorrow ... I am still responsible for ONLY my part of it, for my acceptance of and reaction to my current reality.

uncorked

Thinman, I got sober right after my husband filed for divorce. Although it wasn't a happy marriage, I loved him and was financially dependent on him. My drinking was always an issue for him. I went to rehab for 7 weeks and have been sober almost 9 months....alas, our divorce is still going through. I find myself crying here and there, feeling sad, missing him. But it's much easier now, 10 months later. It was hard to go through rehab/sobriety along with that but we all have more strength in ourselves than we believe. I think you will find yours once you are sober for a while longer. Has your psychiatrist suggested an anti-depressant?

theTHINman

Hi, uncorked. I do currently take an anti-depressant. Two, actually: Zoloft and Remeron. I don't know how much good they're doing but I really don't want to be messing with my medication at a time like this. At my last appointment he suggested increasing the zoloft but it made me feel worse after a few days so I backed off. I might try an increase next month or something but right now I need as much stability as I can get.

I'm not for sure if this is going to end in divorce, since we have a daughter and my wife knows that I'm a wonderful father, but this moment and moving forward are proving to be extremely stressful. Especially since my wife has said that she won't be sure about what she wants to do until she gets back next month. So now I'm playing the waiting game...

sugarbear1

What about AA meetings and working those 12 steps?