AnvilheadII

you DRANK, blacked out, and jumped onto the TRAIN TRACKS. and yet your solution is to......cut back????? another, BETTER option would be to quit putting the poison IN to your system at all.
your attempts at moderation are epic failures. you know that. there is no going back to when.......but there are some guarantees if you insist on continuing to drink.

HopeandFaith1

Hi Vulturine-Yes I too have done really stupid careless things over the years, I cringe to think about them. One thing that has helped me stop is to consider the impact my actions could have on others. If I drive drunk, I could kill an innocent person. If you jump on train tracks, someone could get killed trying to save your life, not to mention what life would be like for the driver of the train if you got hit. Thank God you didn't

ScottFromWI

Sounds to me like you are in massive denial of your real issue Vulturine, and that's very common. You've also been pretty good ant pointing out what WON"T work for you to get sober. Since you've almost killed yourself and been vomiting blood as a direct result of your drinking over the past couple weeks, I'd say your current lifestyle isn't working very good either, would you agree?

There are several secular and non-12 step methods out there if AA is not "for you", but all of them will require you to make changes that won't be comfortable at first. But then again, how comfortable are you now?

U75

At one point, you may have been able to have 3-4 drinks and then not drink again for a while. But once you cross that line into alcoholism, I don't think there's any going back. As others have said, complete abstinence is the only solution that is 100% guaranteed to work.

Wastinglife

I've had quite a few public incidents. I've passed out in alleyways and bushes, started fights in the street, suffered injuries, multiple arrests. Never been in any sort of trouble when sober though.

It doesn't seem you want to do much about your drinking. It took me a while to accept I can't drink at all if I want to ever be happy in life. I lost everything in the process, but sometimes that's what it takes I guess.

I'm not spiritual at all either but AA has kept me sober for 38 days now. Before that I did rehab, then therapy, self-help books. I'll try anything because I hate this addiction

SoberLife90

An alcoholic cannot control how much they drink. I imagine it would be hard and not enjoyable to try to moderate. Abstinence has worked for myself for almost 3 years!

IvanMike

I'm an atheist. 12 steps works just fine.

Soberpotamus

Sounds extremely dangerous for you to continue drinking. Moderation doesn't tend to work for people who come to recovery forums for support. At least, I never see those kinds of moderation success stories around here. And believe me, I've tried the moderation route and the harm reduction route. Gave it a good ol' try and it just didn't work for me.

If I were you, I'd consider establishing a solid, detailed plan. And perhaps consider all options, including the secular programs such as SMART, Women For Sobriety, Lifering, and AVRT. There are even some agnostic AA groups now.

Dee74

You're misunderstanding the nature of alcoholism.
Once we have those few drinks, all bets are off.

It was the first drink that left you in the incredibly dangerous position of wandering around on the train tracks, not the last one.

I understand it's not easy to accept, but I think you've passed the point of being able to 'leave it at that' Vulterine.

I think abstinence is the only way to have these kinds of things stop happening.

If the advice there was to cut back I don't think those meetings are going to be very helpful to you, Vulterine.

The harm reduction route is not working for you. You put yourself in great danger.

The brain is pretty amazing at repairing itself. I had all of those symptoms too, but things got better once I quit drinking.

The sooner you quit completely, the better your chance of complete recovery

D

vulturine

So many replies! I can't keep up.

Well there are no other groups around me, just this one I'm in now. I also don't drive anymore, so getting to places is difficult for me (I live very far from a bus stop). I checked, and there's nothing. I've been lucky to only really been damaging to myself so far. I haven't really hurt anyone too badly, although I do often start fights, but that might be because I have poor impulse control in general. It sucks having next to no one in my life. I wasn't even doing too badly until back in November when my friend died. After he died, I started drinking every day. I always did well in school though, so it's only over the past 7 months that I've really gone downhill in all respects. :/

I wish that I wasn't completely alone and miserable.

2muchpain

You are getting so many replies because many people here really care about you and are very worried. I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. Sounds like you're in a lot of pain. Have you brought that up with your therapist?
I think many here on SR understand where you are coming from when it comes to feeling alone. It's a tough place to be, but I think that is one of the reasons why people say getting and staying sober is an inside job. Besides, your drinking might be keeping you from seeing all the options that are available to you. An alcoholic's life can get pretty small after a while without realizing it. Maybe something to think about. John

Anna

As the amazing Betty Ford said, 'Once you cross that invisible line, you can never go back'. Alcoholics cannot limit or moderate their drinking. If you could, you would have. Your behavior was incredibly dangerous. I hope you take care of yourself.

entropy1964

What kind of meetings are you attending? Maybe quitting would be a good idea?

kittycat3

I'm worried about you too vulturine. Lots of wise words and posts here that show you are not alone at all. We've all done stupid things we regret but found the courage and strength to stop drinking, even if it was just one day or one hour or even one minute at a time. If you want to be sober you can be, we will support you.

Irnldy001

I have been trying to be far less confrontational, but I admit, your post is highly triggering.
You are waving red flags all over the place.
First, you've listed that you are in Toronto. You also wrote that you jumped on train tracks. I will guess those were TTC tracks, which tells me you likely live fairly close to transit, in a city that is utterly full of public transit whether you are on the outskirts or in the core. Sooooo, that's out the window. Unless you are 90 minutes out, there is a bus/train/streetcar/lrt near you. Google AA meetings, there's likely one within a 10 minute walk of you. You don't have to believe in God. You just have to believe that you are alive today and the chances were fairly decent that you could have died and caused massive trauma to the driver and passengers on the next train. If you don't believe in God, then at least believe it was the universe tilting for you just one more time to give you a chance.
I didn't jump on tracks. I drank every night and went to work sober, tired, and hungover every day. So tired that I fell asleep in traffic driving my car. Again, the universe tilted my way, sort of. I was in very heavy traffic, maybe doing 8km an hour. I hit the car next to me. It woke me up. In more ways than one. I recognize that on another day, I could have fallen asleep at 100km hour. Me and the guy I hit would both likely be dead, as well as the other cars around us we would have slammed into.
I didn't want to find out more.
You wrote "I'm such an idiot!". No. We are idiots when we accidentally slam our feet into the door jam. We are idiots when we spill our water over the table.
We are in grave danger when we jump on train tracks, drive on the highway, wake up in dumpsters, fill in the blank.
If you can get to school, you can get to a meeting. You wrote that you are alone? GO TO A MEETING. You wrote that this is the only support group anywhere near you? Again, you are somewhere in the 3rd largest city in North America. I'm calling you out again.
If you don't want to stop, don't. But if you are here, and if you are even remotely as terrified as we are of what you wrote, then you don't have much choice.
Sorry to be such a bummer, but I just can't not chime in here. If you want to know more about GTA groups, feel free to message me.

Hevyn

Hi Vulturine - I'm so glad you're posting.

I vowed for years to just keep my consumption to 'a few'. I desperately didn't want to have to quit all together. I was never able to stick to my promise to myself - not once. As Dee mentioned, when the first drink hits us there's no telling what will happen. My determination to be a social drinker led me to danger & despair - almost death. I hope you'll consider stopping all together. It's the only way to be sure you will stay safe and sane. Please keep posting - we care about you, V.

IvanMike

You are only alone if you want to be. You only need to look at the responses you have gotten if you have doubts.

Getting beyond miserable takes a bit more time, but it happens.

No amount of using is going to bring your friend back, but you can honor his memory by getting and staying clean.

Venecia

Correction: You haven't hurt anyone too badly yet.

I'm glad to read that you live in the Toronto area and that there is some transit available, as Irnldy notes. In a city of that size, there are many resources available to you. I did a quick Google search and found quite a few.

Vulterine, in this thread and others, you seem to have carved out a rigid ideology regarding addiction and recovery. It's one that seems to have far less to do with reality than it does fitting a need to avoid getting help.

You do need help. Badly. I join the many others who've posted who urge you to seek help. And to take IvanMike's words to heart:

Tamerua

For years I beat myself up because I couldn't consistently limit my intake to 2-3 drinks, never realizing that it's just not possible for me. I was passed that point. And stupid things? Yes. Many.

It got better once I decided not to touch it ever again. I know you said you can't do AA because of the spiritual, but I'm an atheist and it helped me tremendously. Just a thought. If not, find sober help somewhere.

Meraviglioso

I remember hearing something in an AA meeting once: "bad things don't happen to me every time I drink but every time something bad happens I've been drinking"

This is not to say life will be perfect sober, it will not. You may still find yourself lonely and of course hurting over the death of your friend, among other real life disappointments and challenges, but I guarantee that the things you are doing now, for example jumping onto train tracks and vomiting blood, will not follow you into sobriety.

Do you want to quit drinking or not? I ask because I did want to quit, with all of my heart, but had a terrible time doing so. It is quite normal wanting to quit and not being able to do so alone. For me it took going to inpatient rehab in order to get and stay sober for any length of time, but again, I wanted to be sober. I didn't want to live that life anymore. But if you don't want to quit there is little that we- or you- can do. You have to want it.
If you do keep drinking though realise you are hurting and have the potential to hurt and seriously harm other people as well. As others have mentioned, had something tragic happened on the train tracks (thankfully it did not) you would have affected the lives of many more people.
Deaths on the rails haunt engineers, conductors

Fatal Train Accidents Traumatic for Engineers
"It is the most soul-wrenching thing in the world"

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/11/us...acks.html?_r=0