Hopeless, Helpless, & Afraid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
Hopeless, Helpless, & Afraid
Hello to all. I am here looking for something. I'm not sure what that something is yet. Support, understanding, or maybe looking for someone to say something that has an affect on how I feel. I sit here so overwhelmed. Ready to throw up everything I keep inside. So here is my story...
I'm 22 years old which makes all of this so much harder. I feel it's acceptable in todays society amongst young people to drink heavily. Once I turned 21 years old, it was game on and I haven't slowed down. First, let me start by saying I have a job that I love and I have a very good position within the company that will allow me to advance pretty quickly amongst my peers. I don't want to throw it all away because of my decisions.
As I have said, I haven't slowed down since I turned 21 y/o. I close the bars, I pull all nighters at least 3 times a week, I'm always the last of my friends, and now a days I'm usually in a black out after a night of drinking. Once I have one drink I know that I will have another and another. I've never understood people that only have a couple drinks or drink to taste. I've already lost a really good friend because I started using along with drinking. I've lost about $1000 over the course of this past month at the casino. I wonder all the time, "what is it going to take for me to want to change?" I feel I'm going to have to loose everything before I drop down on my knees and admit that I might be powerless. The only reason I've leaned towards using drugs is because I can do them at work without anyone knowing. I am not happy unless I'm drinking or using.
I was introduced to AA about 2 years ago. I was introduced by my instructor which I've gotten very close to him and his wife. They both are in AA and have 20 + years sober. I've attended AA speaker meetings with them and for the first time I felt I could relate. Sitting at those meetings I always wondered how all those people were so happy being sober. My dad is an active alcoholic and I've never had the best relationship with him. I just know I have always told myself I would never be like him. I have part of me saying that I might be one of these people and the other part trying to convince myself that this is all normal for a 22 y/o. Maybe it is.
I want to have that desire and willingness to change. I want it so bad but I don't have it. Things just haven't gotten to that point where I'm ready to admit anything especially being so young. I don't want it to get to that point. Where I loose everything. Knowing all I know about this disease makes it harder. I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol or drugs. That's a big problem. It's always on my mind. I can't wait till I'm off work just so I can have a drink. It's a relief when I take that first sip. It feels amazing. I've given up on trying to limit myself how often I drink because it always fall through. I look back before I was 21 and can see that because it was hard for me to get alcohol, I would use people as my drug..... relationships. I always needed someone.
I can see where my life is headed and I truly don't want to end up loosing my job or worse. I'm seeking for that desire and willingness to change. I just hope it comes sooner than later. I'm feeling hopeless, helpless, and VERY afraid. If you have made it this far of me rambling on, I appreciate you taking the time to hear me and I hope I hear from you.
I'm 22 years old which makes all of this so much harder. I feel it's acceptable in todays society amongst young people to drink heavily. Once I turned 21 years old, it was game on and I haven't slowed down. First, let me start by saying I have a job that I love and I have a very good position within the company that will allow me to advance pretty quickly amongst my peers. I don't want to throw it all away because of my decisions.
As I have said, I haven't slowed down since I turned 21 y/o. I close the bars, I pull all nighters at least 3 times a week, I'm always the last of my friends, and now a days I'm usually in a black out after a night of drinking. Once I have one drink I know that I will have another and another. I've never understood people that only have a couple drinks or drink to taste. I've already lost a really good friend because I started using along with drinking. I've lost about $1000 over the course of this past month at the casino. I wonder all the time, "what is it going to take for me to want to change?" I feel I'm going to have to loose everything before I drop down on my knees and admit that I might be powerless. The only reason I've leaned towards using drugs is because I can do them at work without anyone knowing. I am not happy unless I'm drinking or using.
I was introduced to AA about 2 years ago. I was introduced by my instructor which I've gotten very close to him and his wife. They both are in AA and have 20 + years sober. I've attended AA speaker meetings with them and for the first time I felt I could relate. Sitting at those meetings I always wondered how all those people were so happy being sober. My dad is an active alcoholic and I've never had the best relationship with him. I just know I have always told myself I would never be like him. I have part of me saying that I might be one of these people and the other part trying to convince myself that this is all normal for a 22 y/o. Maybe it is.
I want to have that desire and willingness to change. I want it so bad but I don't have it. Things just haven't gotten to that point where I'm ready to admit anything especially being so young. I don't want it to get to that point. Where I loose everything. Knowing all I know about this disease makes it harder. I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol or drugs. That's a big problem. It's always on my mind. I can't wait till I'm off work just so I can have a drink. It's a relief when I take that first sip. It feels amazing. I've given up on trying to limit myself how often I drink because it always fall through. I look back before I was 21 and can see that because it was hard for me to get alcohol, I would use people as my drug..... relationships. I always needed someone.
I can see where my life is headed and I truly don't want to end up loosing my job or worse. I'm seeking for that desire and willingness to change. I just hope it comes sooner than later. I'm feeling hopeless, helpless, and VERY afraid. If you have made it this far of me rambling on, I appreciate you taking the time to hear me and I hope I hear from you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome Aquarius 
I think you'll hear from a great number of people who wish they'd stopped at 21...I know I do.
I could have saved myself 20 years of misery and loss - I went through multiple careers, relationships, and the loss of just about everything I held dear,
Regardless of how much other people,might look the same to you right now, they're likely not.
if you drink like I did, we're not the same as them.
I drank against reason, against propriety and against common sense....and it only got worse the more years I drank.
I started where you are, a binger closing the pubs & ended up an all day everyday drinker - the stereotype of an dirty unwashed alcoholic who lived to drink and drank to function.
If you can convince yourself to jump off the crazy train now, you'll look back when you're 50 like me and thank yourself - you really will.
D
I think you'll hear from a great number of people who wish they'd stopped at 21...I know I do.
I could have saved myself 20 years of misery and loss - I went through multiple careers, relationships, and the loss of just about everything I held dear,
Regardless of how much other people,might look the same to you right now, they're likely not.
if you drink like I did, we're not the same as them.
I drank against reason, against propriety and against common sense....and it only got worse the more years I drank.
I started where you are, a binger closing the pubs & ended up an all day everyday drinker - the stereotype of an dirty unwashed alcoholic who lived to drink and drank to function.
If you can convince yourself to jump off the crazy train now, you'll look back when you're 50 like me and thank yourself - you really will.
D
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Aquarius94 
I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol or drugs. That's a big problem. It's always on my mind. I can't wait till I'm off work just so I can have a drink. It's a relief when I take that first sip. It feels amazing.
When I was 22 I thought I would regret it if I gave up drinking. Maybe I would have, but I'd gladly trade it for the list of regrets I've accumulated because I didn't.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 63
I could have written some of your exact same words 35 years ago. I too felt the fear and helplessness you feel today. I knew nothing of recovery back then. No rehabs, no SR forums, limited AA meetings in my area. But then again I just shrugged it all off into oblivion. I'll change someday. Let's drink to someday.
Someday came almost 3 months ago. I lost my job (again), and my family (again). Over the years this has happened often. This time the pain was unbearable. I could take no more. I surrendered. Pain was the price of admission. I have a program. I work the steps. You know the drill. Guess what? I have a new, better job and I'm back with my family. You keep working it and I guarantee it that you will get it. Or you can keep going down that same path like I did, because believe me, if you're an alcoholic like me, things aren't going to turn out very well for you. I'll never lose a job...gone...ill never get divorced. ...2:times almost 3. Ill never OD, coma 3 days..open heart surgery. Ughhhh save yourself! !!! You are worth it. Take care of yourself. You are loved!!! Hope this helps. Keep in touch....Peace out
Someday came almost 3 months ago. I lost my job (again), and my family (again). Over the years this has happened often. This time the pain was unbearable. I could take no more. I surrendered. Pain was the price of admission. I have a program. I work the steps. You know the drill. Guess what? I have a new, better job and I'm back with my family. You keep working it and I guarantee it that you will get it. Or you can keep going down that same path like I did, because believe me, if you're an alcoholic like me, things aren't going to turn out very well for you. I'll never lose a job...gone...ill never get divorced. ...2:times almost 3. Ill never OD, coma 3 days..open heart surgery. Ughhhh save yourself! !!! You are worth it. Take care of yourself. You are loved!!! Hope this helps. Keep in touch....Peace out
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
this is from the 2nd set of stories in the big book.
THEY STOPPED IN TIME
We think that about one-half of today's incoming A.A. members were never advanced cases of alcoholism; though, given time, all might have been.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends.
Why do men and women like these join A.A.?
The twelve who now tell their experiences answer that question. They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them; that complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to A.A. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
Therefore, these twelve A.A.'s, and thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up like this: "We didn't wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous."
i think you have admitted quite a bit of damage alcohol has done and how it has effected your life.
why not start attending meetings? get the big book? attend meetings and read it every day?
i was in denial for many years.
the sooner you surrender and get sober the sooner you can see it isnt acceptable for young people to get knee walkin drunk-only where you hang out and who you hang with- and can have yourself an awesome life.
theres promises in the big book of what can happen by working the program. one of the greatest being
and we have ceased fighting anyone or anything-even alcohol, for by this time sanity will have returned.
THEY STOPPED IN TIME
We think that about one-half of today's incoming A.A. members were never advanced cases of alcoholism; though, given time, all might have been.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends.
Why do men and women like these join A.A.?
The twelve who now tell their experiences answer that question. They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them; that complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to A.A. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
Therefore, these twelve A.A.'s, and thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up like this: "We didn't wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous."
i think you have admitted quite a bit of damage alcohol has done and how it has effected your life.
why not start attending meetings? get the big book? attend meetings and read it every day?
i was in denial for many years.
the sooner you surrender and get sober the sooner you can see it isnt acceptable for young people to get knee walkin drunk-only where you hang out and who you hang with- and can have yourself an awesome life.
theres promises in the big book of what can happen by working the program. one of the greatest being
and we have ceased fighting anyone or anything-even alcohol, for by this time sanity will have returned.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Welcome, Aquarius
I hope that you make the decision to live a sober life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop. You have a long life ahead of you, and I hope that you make the changes you need.
I hope that you make the decision to live a sober life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop. You have a long life ahead of you, and I hope that you make the changes you need.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Welcome aquarius - it's so good to meet you.
When I was 22 I knew I was headed for trouble. Unlike you, I did nothing about it. I just kept trying to control the amounts I drank. Decades later, my life was in chaos. I wasted so much time and energy on reckless & dangerous behavior. This doesn't have to happen to you. I'm glad you've joined us - please keep reading and posting. We want to help.
When I was 22 I knew I was headed for trouble. Unlike you, I did nothing about it. I just kept trying to control the amounts I drank. Decades later, my life was in chaos. I wasted so much time and energy on reckless & dangerous behavior. This doesn't have to happen to you. I'm glad you've joined us - please keep reading and posting. We want to help.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
For me it was enough to know things could not continue like they were. I started AA and went everyday. Slowly the fog started to clear and I could see AA provided a way out of the mess my life had become
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Aquarius,
Welcome to SR! You are so smart to stop at your age. I am 45 and have struggled to stop the past few years. I have been sober sonce January 1st, and waking up with a clear head and being fully present with my family and at work is worth it.
Looking forward to seeing you on here.
❤️ Delilah
Welcome to SR! You are so smart to stop at your age. I am 45 and have struggled to stop the past few years. I have been sober sonce January 1st, and waking up with a clear head and being fully present with my family and at work is worth it.
Looking forward to seeing you on here.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, Aquarius94! I'm glad you found us. I gotta tell you that if you stop drinking at 22 you're a genius. I was a "late bloomer" compared to my peers; I never got drunk until after high school. But by age 20 I was already suffering serious consequences as a result of drinking. By my mid 20's it had helped me flunk out of college and end my marriage.
Our culture portrays drinking as a natural part of young life. That's BS. Or at least drinking to blackout is not natural or healthy.
I wish I could travel back in time and smack my 19 year old self upside the head! You'll miss nothing by quitting, and you will find some self respect.
Our culture portrays drinking as a natural part of young life. That's BS. Or at least drinking to blackout is not natural or healthy.
I wish I could travel back in time and smack my 19 year old self upside the head! You'll miss nothing by quitting, and you will find some self respect.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
Thank you all for replying. It's a struggle everyday. I'm tired. I tried approaching my friend that has been sober and active in AA for 20+ years but she wouldn't talk to me because I was under the influence. That's the most difficult thing for me right now. It's hard to talk about things when I'm sober. I refuse too. I hope I can get to that point. I'm tired of this vicious cycle. Although most would say if I'm really tired I would do something about it. Thank you again for all your words of wisdoms. I hope I can find the courage sooner than later to face this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think that if you can stop drinking you'll see an end to being tired and sick...it may take a while but it will happen.
Keep drinking and the only change you're likely to see is things getting worse.
I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to remind you with what I think you already know - the greatest chance of you having a different life, the life you want, is you being sober.
D
Keep drinking and the only change you're likely to see is things getting worse.
I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to remind you with what I think you already know - the greatest chance of you having a different life, the life you want, is you being sober.
D
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Aquarius94
It's a struggle everyday.
You can do this.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Aquarius94
It's a struggle everyday, I tried approaching my friend but she wouldn't talk to me because I was under the influence. That's the most difficult thing for me right now. It's hard to talk about things when I'm sober,I refuse too I hope I can get to that point
Make a day 1 make full use of the awesomeness that is SR and keep reaching out
Your going to need a plan bud
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
Hello,
Just wanted to check in with everyone and give an update. My drinking and using has been pretty bad lately. It has turned into an everyday deal. Well Tuesday I was having unbearable pain in my abdomen. I went into the hospital and informed them what was going on. I also told them what I have been doing. Come to find out my appendix was infected and swollen. I had to go into surgery to get it removed. Although this is a common thing, the doctors in formed me that this could have very well happened because of what I have been doing. I'm now home and because my job is very physical, I can't go back to work until June 1.
The docs said that I can drink but I can only have 1 or 2 drinks and not very often. Which basically to me means I can't drink. I don't know how I am going to go through with this. I'm already feeling irritable and discontent. If it wasn't for the pain meds they gave me, I probably would already have gone off the deep end.
Just wanted to check in with everyone and give an update. My drinking and using has been pretty bad lately. It has turned into an everyday deal. Well Tuesday I was having unbearable pain in my abdomen. I went into the hospital and informed them what was going on. I also told them what I have been doing. Come to find out my appendix was infected and swollen. I had to go into surgery to get it removed. Although this is a common thing, the doctors in formed me that this could have very well happened because of what I have been doing. I'm now home and because my job is very physical, I can't go back to work until June 1.
The docs said that I can drink but I can only have 1 or 2 drinks and not very often. Which basically to me means I can't drink. I don't know how I am going to go through with this. I'm already feeling irritable and discontent. If it wasn't for the pain meds they gave me, I probably would already have gone off the deep end.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
I'm glad you're okay and recovering from your surgery.
Things happen for a reason and this could be an opportunity for you to slow down and take a close look at your life and where it's going. Why not use the next three weeks as an opportunity to begin recovery and to get a start on living a sober life?
Things happen for a reason and this could be an opportunity for you to slow down and take a close look at your life and where it's going. Why not use the next three weeks as an opportunity to begin recovery and to get a start on living a sober life?
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