Almost 5 months, Struggling :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
Almost 5 months, Struggling :(
Hi all, Long post, sorry, just need to talk and I know you guys understand. I know I don't post much, but I read So much here, every day.
I'll be 5 months sober soon, my last drunk was Dec 4. There are definitely some positives, can't say there isn't. I battle depression however so things are never all roses & sunshine for me. But life IS better sober, my mood is usually better. I exercise daily, eat healthy, drink water all day, and get good sleep. I've lost weight finally (started dropping off in just the past few weeks, it's about time!)
The shame is gone. I feel pretty good about myself right now. I've gotten more involved with family and just life in general, and most days I feel accomplished and am comfortably tired at the end of the day. My energy amazes me actually, lol, I dragged myself through most days before but in just the past 3 weeks I find myself full of energy and have little difficulty keeping up with things. Before, just taking care of my dogs was a chore.
Mornings are still a bit tough. I feel sadness, not quite sure where it is coming from. I guess I still get a touch of loneliness even in sobriety. It's me because I feel it even being surrounded by people.
My biggest concern right now is I have been getting cravings, just a sudden intense desire to drink. My triggers are in full force now with the warmer weather and being around people (some I don't like, others I enjoyed drinking with) They all trigger me, always have. I have awful anxiety too, especially being with a lot of people (our business, I can't get out of it). There are moments that I've actually planned to drink, and then that rational voice is there telling me NO. I know it's just the AV trying to win, yet it's so strong at times, and I've gotten close to giving in.
Sometimes I'll start planning my relapse, I'll even decide what I'm going to buy. The next morning, I am Horrified at these thoughts.
I'm torturing myself doing this almost every day. One morning I woke up feeling hung over and laid there devastated, before I realized I did not drink.
Has anybody been through this so many months in?? I feel like it's inevitable some days, that I will drink again, yet I don't want to lose my sobriety, I've worked so hard to get where I am.
Any ideas, suggestions, anything to help me figure this out?
I'll be 5 months sober soon, my last drunk was Dec 4. There are definitely some positives, can't say there isn't. I battle depression however so things are never all roses & sunshine for me. But life IS better sober, my mood is usually better. I exercise daily, eat healthy, drink water all day, and get good sleep. I've lost weight finally (started dropping off in just the past few weeks, it's about time!)
The shame is gone. I feel pretty good about myself right now. I've gotten more involved with family and just life in general, and most days I feel accomplished and am comfortably tired at the end of the day. My energy amazes me actually, lol, I dragged myself through most days before but in just the past 3 weeks I find myself full of energy and have little difficulty keeping up with things. Before, just taking care of my dogs was a chore.
Mornings are still a bit tough. I feel sadness, not quite sure where it is coming from. I guess I still get a touch of loneliness even in sobriety. It's me because I feel it even being surrounded by people.
My biggest concern right now is I have been getting cravings, just a sudden intense desire to drink. My triggers are in full force now with the warmer weather and being around people (some I don't like, others I enjoyed drinking with) They all trigger me, always have. I have awful anxiety too, especially being with a lot of people (our business, I can't get out of it). There are moments that I've actually planned to drink, and then that rational voice is there telling me NO. I know it's just the AV trying to win, yet it's so strong at times, and I've gotten close to giving in.
Sometimes I'll start planning my relapse, I'll even decide what I'm going to buy. The next morning, I am Horrified at these thoughts.
I'm torturing myself doing this almost every day. One morning I woke up feeling hung over and laid there devastated, before I realized I did not drink.Has anybody been through this so many months in?? I feel like it's inevitable some days, that I will drink again, yet I don't want to lose my sobriety, I've worked so hard to get where I am.
Any ideas, suggestions, anything to help me figure this out?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Congrats on the 5 months!
I never got the "pink cloud" but did feel better but still rather somber for a very long time. It slowly, slowly subsided. It's just not what I expected and that was part of it for me. I expected to feel better and happier.
I did not have any desire or plans to relapse.
Maybe some therapy or face to face interaction (AA?) might help.
I never got the "pink cloud" but did feel better but still rather somber for a very long time. It slowly, slowly subsided. It's just not what I expected and that was part of it for me. I expected to feel better and happier.
I did not have any desire or plans to relapse.
Maybe some therapy or face to face interaction (AA?) might help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
No real recovery plan, I just got desperate enough to stop the madness I guess. I never felt well, and there was a lot of shame that comes with the binge drinking I was doing.
I know this sounds like an excuse but I am really afraid of being 'found out' so I can't imagine going to AA, also with social anxiety to the extremes, it wouldn't be a good fit for me.
I've been in therapy but I always drank before I went, I can't seem to talk otherwise, it's awful I know, but I can't get past it.
Edited to add I have changed my life/routine some, as I take much better care of myself and I am interested in things again, so my life is better.
I know this sounds like an excuse but I am really afraid of being 'found out' so I can't imagine going to AA, also with social anxiety to the extremes, it wouldn't be a good fit for me.
I've been in therapy but I always drank before I went, I can't seem to talk otherwise, it's awful I know, but I can't get past it.
Edited to add I have changed my life/routine some, as I take much better care of myself and I am interested in things again, so my life is better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
For me, I still had some pretty rough times at 5 months. It takes a while for the brain to adjust.
It sounds like you're doing a great job with healthy habits.
I can relate to the anxiety stuff, especially socially. That is something that I still work on. I can say that after a while, it got easier for me. I was a year and a half sober before I went to my first AA meeting and I walked in scared as all get out. Now, I feel more comfortable there than around just about any other group of people. They understand me and I wish I'd gone sooner.
Posting here really helped me a lot early on. The feedback is great and it really takes it to another level beyond just reading.
You might also consider reading books on sobriety to get more ideas you could add to your toolkit.
Stick with it. Things will keep getting better. Be gentle with yourself. It's OK that you're not always comfortable around people. Where you're at in recovery is OK.
Do try not to play the relapse fantasies in your head. Thoughts are powerful. Some people recommend playing the tape all the way through and remembering the consequences.
I also found that making a short list of things I could do to take care of myself really helped. Something like
Call a friend
Take a nap
Go for a walk
Do yoga
Write in my journal
Post on SR
Focusing on positive activities helped me a lot.
It sounds like you're doing a great job with healthy habits.
I can relate to the anxiety stuff, especially socially. That is something that I still work on. I can say that after a while, it got easier for me. I was a year and a half sober before I went to my first AA meeting and I walked in scared as all get out. Now, I feel more comfortable there than around just about any other group of people. They understand me and I wish I'd gone sooner.
Posting here really helped me a lot early on. The feedback is great and it really takes it to another level beyond just reading.
You might also consider reading books on sobriety to get more ideas you could add to your toolkit.
Stick with it. Things will keep getting better. Be gentle with yourself. It's OK that you're not always comfortable around people. Where you're at in recovery is OK.
Do try not to play the relapse fantasies in your head. Thoughts are powerful. Some people recommend playing the tape all the way through and remembering the consequences.
I also found that making a short list of things I could do to take care of myself really helped. Something like
Call a friend
Take a nap
Go for a walk
Do yoga
Write in my journal
Post on SR
Focusing on positive activities helped me a lot.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
Yeah, that happened to me at just after 3 months of sobriety. I caved and didn't surface again until 10 years later when I attempted another stab at sobriety. People falter at all stages of sobriety. I guess it all depends if you want to stay sober more than you want to drink.
Instead of planning the relapse, let your thoughts take you down that road should you drink. Think it all the way through to the end. Awful, right? For me, it isn't pretty and it's never happy. These thoughts are enough to keep me sober.
Hang in there.
Instead of planning the relapse, let your thoughts take you down that road should you drink. Think it all the way through to the end. Awful, right? For me, it isn't pretty and it's never happy. These thoughts are enough to keep me sober.
Hang in there.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: London
Posts: 367
Jesse, I am a couple of weeks a head of you , but would like to say well done! I think months 3,4,5 were a complete rollercoaster of feelings and I am just starting to feel better. Keep working through it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I was a bit behind you on the black phase. I ignored it and tried to talk myself out of it. Truth be told, every time I was alone I was choked up and teary. My boss sent me for conselling in the end she was so worried about me. That made no difference because I didn't really open up fully. I told her kind of 70%. The 70% that didn't bother me anyway. The rest i still couldn't bring myself to talk about.
After a couple of months of counselling (which was seeing me spin quite an elaborate Web of half truthes) I realised that I needed to get honest. I had already been going to AA once a week, and enjoyed the meetings, but didn't really get too involved. I suppose I was just waiting to 'get' better. For 'it' to work FOR me. Anyway. Sitting there one night I suddenly realised I needed to change the way I was doing things. And that day I got a sponsor. I found more meetings to go to. I started immersing myself in my recovery. And as I started working through the steps, I started to feel better. The things I'd been unable to tell my counsellor or anyone ever, I have now worked through with my sponsor, and the lessons I've learned from going through that stuff I can use in my everyday life now, so things are less likely to get like they were. Certainly, the compulsion to drink has left me. But if it resurfaces I have a sponsor and other people I can reach out to in my home town AND on here.
Keep working. Look for the gaps in your plan (or the bits that you may not be using effectively) and try new ways to work it. Things will get better. As long as you don't drink.
After a couple of months of counselling (which was seeing me spin quite an elaborate Web of half truthes) I realised that I needed to get honest. I had already been going to AA once a week, and enjoyed the meetings, but didn't really get too involved. I suppose I was just waiting to 'get' better. For 'it' to work FOR me. Anyway. Sitting there one night I suddenly realised I needed to change the way I was doing things. And that day I got a sponsor. I found more meetings to go to. I started immersing myself in my recovery. And as I started working through the steps, I started to feel better. The things I'd been unable to tell my counsellor or anyone ever, I have now worked through with my sponsor, and the lessons I've learned from going through that stuff I can use in my everyday life now, so things are less likely to get like they were. Certainly, the compulsion to drink has left me. But if it resurfaces I have a sponsor and other people I can reach out to in my home town AND on here.
Keep working. Look for the gaps in your plan (or the bits that you may not be using effectively) and try new ways to work it. Things will get better. As long as you don't drink.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Jessie65, 5 months sober is just so FANTASTIC, congratulations. A plan is good but not necessary to stop drinking. It was a year before I started feeling comfortable without a drink. You can stop, I'm coming up on 6 years sober, rootin for ya. 
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,688
Hi Jessie, congratulations on nearly 5 months, brilliant!
I went through so many different emotions in the first year, for me I concentrated on staying sober and read here on SR and some self help books.
You can work through it, well done again!
I went through so many different emotions in the first year, for me I concentrated on staying sober and read here on SR and some self help books.
You can work through it, well done again!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: San Diego
Posts: 94
5 month mark was the deadliest for me. First time I got to 5 months, I relapsed, felt it was all pointless; realized it was paws.
This time I knew what to expect and got over that bump, I have reached a new personal record of 6.5 months. Don't start over at day 1. Five months is a very long time to accumulate.
This time I knew what to expect and got over that bump, I have reached a new personal record of 6.5 months. Don't start over at day 1. Five months is a very long time to accumulate.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
I can relate to what you're going through. I got sober in November 2014, had similar issues with having to battle cravings with the change of seasons last year. With the spring time, my AV changed, which made battling cravings hard. Keep yourself in a safe environment. It gets easier. Just because you have cravings doesn't mean you have to act on them. 
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Although i read about relapses here there is no good reason for you to have one ,
I had cravings for the 1st year , they didn't get any less intense but they got less frequent .
Try not to obsess over the idea of drinking , you can switch the flow of your thoughts and occupy yourself with something different ..
My addled old brain was boring and repetitive so it takes persistence and perseverance .
I found doing something physical helped me get me out of my thoughts and head , a long steamy shower , swimming , something sensuous .
Reading here about others relapses and early days helped , i came here and i made at least one post a day trying to cheer on another person in their early days .
How well are you sharing your knowledge about the early days or weeks , what you have to say might be better than me as my memory of drinking and the struggle isn't quite as fresh .
your struggling ? come here help someone else
lots of people could do with your encouragement , thats what i did .
m
I had cravings for the 1st year , they didn't get any less intense but they got less frequent .
Try not to obsess over the idea of drinking , you can switch the flow of your thoughts and occupy yourself with something different ..
My addled old brain was boring and repetitive so it takes persistence and perseverance .
I found doing something physical helped me get me out of my thoughts and head , a long steamy shower , swimming , something sensuous .
Reading here about others relapses and early days helped , i came here and i made at least one post a day trying to cheer on another person in their early days .
How well are you sharing your knowledge about the early days or weeks , what you have to say might be better than me as my memory of drinking and the struggle isn't quite as fresh .
your struggling ? come here help someone else
lots of people could do with your encouragement , thats what i did . m
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
Thank-you all, I really appreciate everybody that responded.
I do try to play the tape forward, it does help. I'm getting through one day at a time again.
I just thought it would get easier and it got harder.
I do try to play the tape forward, it does help. I'm getting through one day at a time again.
I just thought it would get easier and it got harder.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
The best thing I ever did for my recovery was to start practicing gratitude every day. Every day, make a list of what you're grateful for. (If it's a person, tell them so. )
It made me focus on the positive and made a huge change in my attitude.
)It made me focus on the positive and made a huge change in my attitude.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Jessie,
Congratulations on five months, you should be very proud of your sober time!!!
My first serious attempt at sobriety (other than when I was pregnant,) was in October of 2012, and I made it 90 days and thought "I can have a glass of wine..." Needless to say I ended up slowly creeping back to drinking wine every day, and spent the next few years with short stretches of sobriety, followed by stretches of drinking. Thinking back it was exhausting!!
I am one month behind you, I will hit four months sober on May 1st, and I have been adamant about sticking to my plan, and posting and reading here daily is a big part of that. I have not had terrible cravings, more like passing thoughts of having a glass of wine, and the spring weather definitely triggered a few thoughts. Instead of giving them much time to fester I did something/anything else to change my mind frame. I also thought about how I would feel the next morning, and that really helped.
What has been working for you the past five months?
Congratulations on five months, you should be very proud of your sober time!!!
My first serious attempt at sobriety (other than when I was pregnant,) was in October of 2012, and I made it 90 days and thought "I can have a glass of wine..." Needless to say I ended up slowly creeping back to drinking wine every day, and spent the next few years with short stretches of sobriety, followed by stretches of drinking. Thinking back it was exhausting!!
I am one month behind you, I will hit four months sober on May 1st, and I have been adamant about sticking to my plan, and posting and reading here daily is a big part of that. I have not had terrible cravings, more like passing thoughts of having a glass of wine, and the spring weather definitely triggered a few thoughts. Instead of giving them much time to fester I did something/anything else to change my mind frame. I also thought about how I would feel the next morning, and that really helped.
What has been working for you the past five months?
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by jessie65 
...
Has anybody been through this so many months in?? I feel like it's inevitable some days, that I will drink again, yet I don't want to lose my sobriety, I've worked so hard to get where I am.
Any ideas, suggestions, anything to help me figure this out?
Has anybody been through this so many months in?? I feel like it's inevitable some days, that I will drink again, yet I don't want to lose my sobriety, I've worked so hard to get where I am.
Any ideas, suggestions, anything to help me figure this out?
Good luck! and hang in there! It is worth it and it does get much much better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 197
Please do whatever you can to stick with it. I "gave in" and drank after 6 months of sobriety. That was TEN YEARS ago and I have struggled with on and off drinking ever since. Imagine where you'll be in 10 years if you stay on the sober path rather than veer off. Try to replace the drinking fantasy with a fantasy about how you'll feel at 9 months, a year, etc. You worked SO hard for your 5 months, don't throw it away!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Hi Jessie I am around 4 1/2 months and I can relate with triggers with the warmer months. I have had some strong cravings as well, seeing people sitting outside pubs enjoying themselves in the sunshine ugh ugh ugh!!!!
I knew I had to up my plan so I went to my first AA meeting last Sunday. I have just started doing the couch to 5K running program and I have joined a fb support group too. Sticking close to here is also helping.
Playing the tape through is a big help too. We have got this far just keep going one day at a time, one minute at a time if need be..you'll be so glad you did
I knew I had to up my plan so I went to my first AA meeting last Sunday. I have just started doing the couch to 5K running program and I have joined a fb support group too. Sticking close to here is also helping.
Playing the tape through is a big help too. We have got this far just keep going one day at a time, one minute at a time if need be..you'll be so glad you did
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
