noneever

Yet I still can't accept it. Part of me thinks I'm exaggerating my responses or that these online tests err far on the side of caution.

Why am I struggling to accept that I cannot drink, when deep down what I want to be able to do is moderate?

Part of the trouble is that there have been times when I've been able to stop happily at just one or two drinks. Why can't that be the norm?

shauninspain

There were times when I could, if I forced myself, have a couple of quick drinks and then go straight home, and go to bed. The next day I would congratulate myself on my new found ability to control alcohol, so I would repeat the experiment. Perhaps I'd have 4 drinks, go home, and go straight to bed. Wow I've cracked it!! Yeah, I can control intake. So I would do the same the next evening, with t he added extra (by way of a reward, of course), of buying a half bottle of Vodka on my way home. I'd wake up the next day (say a Saturday), and consider it a good idea to have a few drinks at lunchtime, with my new found superhuman ability of control.

I'd recall being in the pub, and perhaps then another. The next day would be very foggy indeed, and the Monday would be spent drinking from a bottle in bed. After defecating and urinating all over the bed, I'd switch to the sofa and a blanket. In and out of consciousness I would go, never knowing the time of day or even what day it was. Then suddenly I would come around in a police cell not knowing why.

I'd think back to those first days of 'controlled' drinking and wonder why the hell I ever let it get out of hand again!!

"All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals, usually brief, were inevitably followed by still less control which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.'' Big Book (p30)

Dee74

I think everyone has that experience where they sometimes stopped at one or two drinks.

I think it was literally one or two times for me (and then I got blotto a day or two later...coincidence? Nah....)

I had lots of other occasions when I had every reason in the world not to drink to excess but I did anyway - weddings, work related things, gigs...

The fact is those times when we 'drink normally' are not the norm for us...they're not even regular occurrences for most of us

and for most, if not all of us the incidence of those times will get fewer and fewer the more years we drink.

I know it's a hard thing to accept - but do normal drinkers post 65 times on a recovery board in 4 months?

I think it's unlikely noneever?

D

noneever

Ouch Dee

sleepie

Hi noneever!

I think it is best avoided, splitting hairs, semantics and analytics aside... alcohol is simply best avoided. Why take a chance? After your harrowing post about not knowing how you got home the other night... just think, this moment now is wonderful compared to one of regret or one irreversible moment behind the wheel... Why not research S.M.A.R.T, or AA ?

Or for amusements sake...

Alcoholism Quotes

Some of these are pretty good!

Dee74

I'm sorry. I get no pleasure from this, but I'd rather give it to you straight though than see you waste 20 years on this like I did, nonever.

D

noneever

Dee- can I really never moderate? Maybe I'm just going through a phase of heavy drinking?

Fabela

I wasn't the heaviest drinker, by far, but even I know that I can never go back. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so why risk it by trying moderation? How many people have tried exactly that and failed miserably? Face it. You have a problem and the best way of dealing with it is staying away from alcohol - for ever. It's going to be the most difficult thing you ever do. I promise you, it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. YOU are worth it!

noneever

I don't think I can do this. I don't think I have drunk so much that I can't return. I only drink beer. Ok, so maybe up to 10 units, twice a week, but that's nothing compared to people who drink bottles of wine or a bottle of spirits daily. Honestly, is that really so bad? Surely I can return from that?

Dee74

I'm not a Dr or a clairvoyant - I can only share my story with you nooneever

For years I was desperate to find out how people moderated their drinking.
I saw people do it all around me, I wondered why I couldn't.

For years I said it was just a phase, or down to my job, or my health concerns, or my age...

but my 20s turned to my 40s and I wasn't getting any better - I was actually getting worse.

In the end I was drinking, literally, all day every day for over 5 years - and I still was convincing myself I wasn't 'that bad'.
I realise now that I'd always drunk to get drunk - right from the first time I drank.

I'd never been a moderate drinker - but I was trying to make myself into one?

Madness.

That's me....and I've seen thousands of other folks lob up here wishing they could be moderate drinkers too.

I've yet to see a lasting success story - but, even after all the stories in the world. in the end, the only story and the only opinion that counts is yours.

Go back and read all your posts, noneever. All 68.

Then ask yourself - do you really think this is 'just a phase'?

You don't have to tell me, but I'd be interested in your answer

D

Dee74

None, I'm sorry to have to tell you but I nearly killed myself on beer.,

There is no 'soft' alternative.
Alcohol is alcohol, and it will steal your soul and then your life if you let it.

I know you're scared and you don;t want this to be true...but the sooner you deal with this, the easier it will be.

Just think about it...read those old posts. Try to face the fear and work out honestly where you think you stand.

D

ICanDoBetter

You need to look inside for that answer.

I wasn't the heaviest drinker either. But I drank every single day. Starting as early in the day as I could. I considered it success when I would only drink one or two in a day. I tried using it as a reward for completing my other daily goals. I tried every which way to justify to myself why it was ok to drink ... And every morning I would wake up disgusted with myself.

The concept of never drinking again was super intimidating at the beginning. I still don't think of it that way most of the time... I think of the choice I make today... When I wake up i commit to not drinking today... Period. And it gets easier... Very slowly but it gets better. And now that I have 64 days under my belt, if I attempt to moderate.. I have to go back to day 1 all over again... And I don't want to do that. This motivates me to commit each morning when I wake up.

noneever

I don't drink every day. I don't drink all day. Maybe it's not too late to be able to drink moderately?

But. I admit I'VE driven while very, very drunk. I'm a small woman. That alone is reason to not drink. I know that. Yet a piece of me tells me I'm not that far gone, that I can control this.

ICanDoBetter

I can see much of me in your comments. I posed a lot of these questions when first joined, then I disappeared from here for a year because I resisted what I knew to be true.

You've come here for a reason... Trust your gut on why you came here.

ICanDoBetter

I didn't drink daily at first either. My attempts to moderate actually led me to heavier drinking and what for me became rock bottom, which is different for everyone.

Ultimately you must decide what that point is for you. To coin awesome advice my dad once gave me, "you haven't decided to decide yet."

noneever

Dee-ive just read through my posts and am horrified. Nothing has changed in the last 3 months. Longer if I'm honest.

I need to stop.

trachemys

Shaun and Dee have laid out your future for you. I can add to it. Keep drinking and you'll disgust yourself. Then you'll drink to hide the self-loathing.

Dee74

Realisation is a great place to start tho
Everyone wants to help

You're already in the April support thread - have you checked out the 24 hour recovery connection thread?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-124-a-15.html

it's a great way to commit to be sober for the day

There's some great ideas on making a recovery plan that works for you here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

If I can do this, you can too noneever

D

ALinNS

From my personal experience I was at the point you appear to be at in the mid 1990's, trying to cut back as I kept telling myself I was simply a heavy drinker, wish I knew then what I know today.

I tried moderation but it rarely worked, it always led to the same dark black hole of problems caused by my drinking.

What I do know is many online tests would have told me at the time I was an alcoholic however until I reached the place in my life where I was ready to admit that I was, nothing changed. I went to meetings at AA and generally stopped at the beer store after, took outpatient class's at a detox out patient but nothing changed and in hindsight I was not listening.

I wish you well.

Andrew

MIRecovery

Just curious how long has this phase of heavy drinking been going on and have you ever seen this trend going down not up?