thomas11

Glad you made it through Bunny. Stay strong (and your trip to the market sounds like a huge success).

IvanMike

It's normal to go through bouts of wanting to get loaded. Usually for me I'm looking to "tune out" or escape. - All feelings pass. Really.

Horror story? I tried to moderate after 7 years clean and stayed using for 15 years. But I see worse. Go back to drinking and it will kill you and rip your spirit to shreds in the process. You know that.

I'm sure there are a lot of experienced members (old timers?) in your area. I'd look to them for guidance regarding your sponsor's direction. It does seem extreme, but I have heard of such things. However, you don't need to be at a meeting to talk to another addict/alcoholic in recovery about wanting to get loaded. I have a small group of friends in recovery whom I confide in. This helps a lot. Often it is a real eye-opener to find that they have struggled with similar feelings. It helps to find out that you're not unique, that you can overcome such feelings, and to be accountable to other people who understand what it is like to be you.

SoberLife90

For the love of god get honest with yourself. Whether it is a disease or not I cannot moderate my drinking.

ICanDoBetter

I don't specifically have a story to share, but wanted to send ((hugs)) and encouragement. One day, hour,moment,breath at a time, you can do this.

Bunny211

Thanks again all.

I went to a great meeting tonight.

I prayed all day for God to send me a message...to get these thoughts out of my head.

The speaker tonight shared about how she tied to moderate after 2 years of sobriety and it did not end well.

No less than 3 people talked about the "allergy" and how they wrestled with that in their minds. In the end it is just semantics...maybe it is not an allergy. But it IS something...there is something broken with my built in "I've had enough" button. It does NOT work. I cannot drink.

Going to bed sober, and much more peaceful.

FormerWineGirl

Bunny, I just read this thread. I am SO GLAD you didn't drink. Moderation IS NOT POSSIBLE for us, but you already know that.

Please don't say or even think that you are a failure, you are quite the opposite and you proved it again tonight. Stay strong, you've got this!

Also Bunny, look at how many people on here care about you. That speaks volumes ☺

SolidKarma

Congratulations on not drinking, very proud of you. I'm a newbie to the recovery game, and so it really helps to hear I'm not alone. I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. I also constantly think about the disease model of alcoholism...but I always follow from what I've learned from my own experience.

OfEpiphany

Have you seen Cast Away? Remember how he's trying his best to get over that One impossible wave, to make it into the ocean on his raft?

Well this 10 month mark, is exactly that for you. You need to get over this wave, because if you relapse, this same wave will be waiting for you again in another 10 months of sobriety. So get over this wave now and overcome it.

Thoughts are just thoughts, remember all the alcohol dreams you had where you drink, feeling regret, only to be relieved when you woke up? Well, you'll sure as hell will feel the regret, but it won't be a dream, so you won't find the relief.

sixtyfour

Hi Bunny,

Congratulations on 10 months! Longest I had sober was 11 months and then I tried to "moderate". I felt like garbage for not sticking it out for a year. Went right back to drinking as I used to because I thought, hey, I've already broken that promise to myself so I may as well drink my face off too. So dumb. Suicidal thoughts came back and I realized I had a choice between life and my loved ones or alcohol, isolation, and death. Alcohol and life cannot co-exist for people like us. Trying to be a "normal" drinker will never work and it is absolutely not worth abandoning the 10 months that you have achieved. Wishing you continued sobriety!

Berrybean

Morning Bunny?

I hope that you are still feeling more peaceful today. I suspect that the lead up to step 5 may be causing some fear and apprehension. That fear plays havoc with us, even when we haven't even recognised it properly. The good news is that many many people (myself included) found that step 5 was a catalyst for changed thinking and changed feeling. In the weeks directly after step 5, when I was just starting on Step 6 and 7, that is when I experienced the most promises materialising. Obviously not all of them every day. But a lot of them, on most days.

I was also surprised that people aren't allowed to speak until they've reached a particular step. Or that any sponsor would discourage a sponsee from attending speaker meetings. Or did I misread that and your sponsor just doesn't enjoy those meetings herself?

Anyway. I hope you're feeling some peace today.

Meraviglioso

Hugs to you Bunny, I am so glad to read you got through this recent period sober. Keep going. DO NOT return to where you were and don't forget that even just one drink would send you there. Maybe not immediately, but sooner or later you'd end up right where you were- or worse.
Stay strong!

tomsteve

"I do wish I had more open speaker/speaker discussion meetings I could attend. My sponsor frowns upon them. Since I have not made amends I am not eligible to share at the meetings I attend. I really wish I could go to a meeting and just be real and say "I really want to F***ing drink."


forgive me for my ignorance, but do sponsors now control sponsees or guide them?
do meetings make laws saying when a person will share?
are sponsees not allowed to go to meetings their sponsees dont approve of?

idk, maybe things have changed in the past 10 years without my knowledge of it?
maybe im not paying attention enough?


p.s.
imo, its a great situation to start at step 1 on.
alcohol isnt the only thing we can be powerless over and make our lives unmanagable

stevieg46

Hi Bunny .

I said in an earlier thread that you started , you are still trying to get sober on your ''own power and thinking and thoughts '' or put it another way your thinking is stinking and that will lead to drinking .

You earlier mentioned Step 5 again ? well if I were you I would get ''honest with myself '' you certainly have not fully accepted the Dr Opinion on what alcoholism is and what it does and how it progresses , you have ''not got rid of the fantasy that somehow you could drink in safety again '' now if ''you have accepted that then you would not be having these thoughts would you ? '' .

Do not be annoyed with me , but you are like my previous reply to you on another thread ''still running your own life '' people who turn their will and live over to a higher power simply do not have the problems and thoughts you are having .

Absolute complete 100% surrender is paramount , the program in leading up to chapter 5 via the Doctors Opinion and More about Alcoholism , Agnostics Chapter are all meant to be read digested accepted and admitted and surrendered to where some sort of ''physic change '' takes place ( example the penny drops I cannot ever drink with safety my life is a mess '' surrender completely to that Dr Opinion . Bunny that is in the Big Book , where Chapter 5 says ''rarely have we seen a person fail who has THOROUGHLY followed our path . It means once you have accepted a big chunk of truth about ourselves.. '' if you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it '' ( highlighted deliberately not shouting ) THEN YOU ARE READY TO TAKE CERTAIN STEPS ???.

Big chunks of truth admittance and acceptance and complete surrender is meant to come about ''before we go to Step 1 '' .

3 pertinent ideas . I Cant . God Can . May you find him now .

To my way of thinking and dealing with newcomers I fully explain and expect them to understand all of the above , perhaps your sponsor does not operate this way ? or maybe you are not listening , or maybe you need another sponsor because what I have tried to point out is how the Big Book lays it out , do not be disheartened by my points be excited and start afresh this is not a race or competition , if you are going to do something ? do it right , take care ( hugs ) .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .

SweatyHands

Well, my relapse was fairly standard. I had a couple of months where I sort of moderated. But after about two months, I started drinking more and more. Drinking and driving was first; then drinking before work and school; then hiding vodka around the house to keep my bac up. Before too long, I was right back to waking up with the shakes and having trouble holding down food. And it all ended with my sister flying out to Colorado to help me detox and make sure that I could get to the hospital if I needed to go.

But what works better than hearing other people's relapse stories is remembering where you were when you (or I) went to the hospital. Remember that, and say "I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind."

fantail

Bunny, I'm so glad you made it through. I feel invested in your recovery as we're the same age and got sober in the same state at about the same time (and now I learn that we both made a stop at the psych ward on our way!). Also, Doris Lessing is my favorite author. So I have generally read your posts with interest. I really want to see us both succeed.

I know you're working your program really hard. Which is wonderful. Some of what you post does make me think maybe you need to find a "fun" dimension to your sobriety? You're working really hard and that can be exhausting. I know when I relapsed around 8 months my last time it was largely because I was sick of it, sick of all the work and the feeling different and the trying so hard all the time. This time I try also to enjoy myself more (sometimes it even works, ha!).

I also find it unusual that your sponsor won't let you go to certain meetings, and that you're not allowed to speak at others. Not that it's wrong, it just sounds like you're in a pretty intense interpretation of AA. Have you tried finding younger, maybe a bit less stringent meetings? I know the women who worked at my rehab were all around our age and in recovery and were pretty connected to what seemed like a fun Cape Cod/Boston young and sober social life.

All the best to you. Congrats on getting through that.

Calicofish

Ha ha ha ha....this is hilarious. I can't get this image out of my head. Thanks for the laugh.

Ariesagain

Fantail raises a terrific point...it seems like your recovery as structured is rather humorless? Yes, we need structure and accountability and all those things...but we also need a giggle now and again. It's the old adage if we don't laugh we'll cry...and laughing and enjoying the ride is healthy. Maybe you can expand your meeting circle to find more flexibility?

Bunny211

Hey folks. I think I do need to add some FUN into my life. I stay very close to my recovery community and my sponsor. My sponsor is of the mindset that I should not really hang with my old friends if I am serious about my recovery. Now, none of my old friends are alcoholic/addicts. They drink socially and since they learned of my issues they have been nothing but supportive...including me on invites...they came down and we had lunch a few weeks back. No one drank. We laughed and had fun. They are all married, working women with full lives. One friend wants to do "walk dates" with me when the weather gets warmer. I'd like to do that. My sponsor though, tells me that I need to be seeking god with all my heart and to be hanging out with people who are not on a spiritual path is dangerous. None of my friends are satan worshippers. But they don't go to church or read the Bible either. They are contributing, morally sound, members of society. Every time I try to explain this to my sponsor she tells me I am justifying things. Then I feel like I have to sneak around her to see my friends and then I feel guilty and bad.

As for open meetings..that is "not the program I am working" according to my sponsor. Those are nothing but "Cocktail parties without the alcohol" or "watered down AA" or "meat markets."

On another note, I just joined a sailing club. Really want to learn to sail when the weather gets warmer.

Ariesagain

Are you in recovery or a convent?

I'm sure your sponsor thinks she's got the answers and I'm AA illiterate so I won't comment, so I'm hoping experienced AAers will weigh in?

Not my area of expertise, but I really don't see the harm in "making a joyful noise unto the Lord." You should have a fuller life, not a more constricted one?

360startstoday

Bible tells us to be the light of the world right?? We go to church, read our Bibles... But how are we supposed to be an influence or example to others that do not, if we are not around them? As opposed to them negatively influencing you, maybe you would shine some light for other people....????