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Pre-Lapse

Old 04-06-2016, 02:07 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi Bunny, congrats on your sober time. That's pretty cool!

So a slightly different angle here as it strikes me you already know you can't moderate and you don't actually want a drink.

It's the constant thoughts and the obsessing which has got worse and that it's your head that's killing you.

I know that feeling well. I try and get out of my head. It's not you that's the problem it's your thoughts, and we all know thoughts lie to us.

Get right out of your head and into your body. Notice how your body feels. Where is it tight, where is it soft? Are you sitting? What does that feel like. Wiggle your toes in you shoes (or slippers if you're as old as me) and notice how that feels too.

Basically give your attention to your body and not to your mind.

And then your mind will give you some much earned rest.

I hope that's not too left field for you to give it a try. It really does work. :-)
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Old 04-06-2016, 02:11 PM
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(((Bunny211))) I really, really love your tagline and have copied it into my journal.

Many years ago, I was sober for 6 wonderful years. Then a few things changed in my life, my life became unmanageable and I relapsed hard. It turns out that I was okay only when life was okay but when some curveballs came my way I had no coping skills to deal. I felt like I had sobriety locked down and had stopped seeking personal growth and responsibility for myself. I was the epitome of the relapse happening long before the drink gets picked up.

When I say I fell hard, I fell for the next 22 years. I married my alcoholic husband, who is still actively drinking, and just drank 22 years of my life away. 22 years. That is long enough to grow a whole new person through to adulthood.

I was visiting my best friend recently, in another province, and she brought out all of the cards and letters I have sent her over the years. She kept everything. As we browsed down memory lane, one of the letters I opened up to read happened to be the one I wrote to her to tell her about my relapse. Wow doesn't cover it. The one line in that letter that struck me the most; after I had explained all the details of my relapse I said this,

“I am not going to quit for now, it is just too hard.”

I will not forget that line now as I just don’t have time for another relapse. I don’t want to ever forget how hard it was to get sober.

You are aware and you are asking for help, please don’t stop reaching out. You can do this. I have read some of your posts and you are a kind and insightful person. I hope you can turn that towards yourself.

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Old 04-06-2016, 02:16 PM
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Bunny, after giving up booze 4 years ago for the best part of 2 yrs I fell off the wagon because I thought I could just drink on social occasions and only with my husband, never drink at home again or alone. Within 3 months I was drinking daily, smuggling wine home straight after work, drinking a bottle in secret before hubby got home, then dragging him out for a few glasses down the pub. Passing out in public, pissing my bed, driving drunk in the mornings , things got so bad so quickly my marriage was soon in tatters and my children began to hate what I was doing to the family unit. Such a fool to believe that voice in my head. So glad I got a second chance at this. Do you really want to start all over? X
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Old 04-06-2016, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by firstymer View Post

I can't think of a SINGLE INSTANCE where someone has reported back, satisfied with their decision. Instead, those that test the waters of moderation inevitably (and I use that term intentionally), inevitably, find themselves drowning, right back where they were with their alcohol consumption. In many instances their alcohol use becomes worse than ever before.
This is a really good point.

I don't know anyone out there who has been like "MAN... sure am glad I decided to start drinking again!!! Boy, oh boy.... if only I'd known that moderation was awesome!!"

There aren't a lot of "celebrate moderation here" forums out on the Internet.....

Not too many books written on the Joys of Renouncing Recovery for a Blissful Life Of Moderate Alcohol and Drug Use......

Just don't.
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Old 04-06-2016, 02:28 PM
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Please don't undo all your hard work. This is what moderation looks like for me:
1. Tell myself I'll just have one. One can't hurt right? I've had just the one before and been just fine.
2. First one drunk. Tell myself I'll just have another. Two can't hurt right? I've had just two before and been just fine.
3. Meh, those two didn't have much of an affect. I'll have a third and maybe stop then.
4. Wake up the following morning. Hideous, skin crawling anxiety and regret. Did I gamble? How much did i lose? How did I get home/ get to bed? Did I drink drive? Did i really have 10 plus drinks? How did I smoke so many cigarettes?
5. Cancel work/ don't attend appointments or errands. Spend day lying around in a pool of self loathing. Count the hours until I can finally go to bed and put this wretched day behind me.

Moderation does not work. Ever.
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Old 04-06-2016, 02:36 PM
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Bunny, I once went 13 years sober and then one single glass of wine led to 3 years of misery. I don't ever want to go through that again!

Whether one calls it a disease or not, you might find the following video helpful in understanding how addiction works: "Pleasure Unwoven". It is available for about $30 from a well-known on-line vendor. At my IOP they showed us this video and it helped me a great deal.

I also haven't heard of not being able to share in AA after working steps and I attended a number of different meetings.
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Old 04-06-2016, 02:42 PM
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Hey, Bunny.

A couple things first:

1. Congrats on your 10 months. That is an exceptional accomplishment.

2. Think about HALT -- Hungry, Angry, Lonely,Tired -- and how that fits into your mindset right now. I recall that during my first year of sobriety, the closest I came to the edge followed a couple nights of very poor sleep. The craving seemed to come out of nowhere until I connected the dots and realized that I was very tired.

Firstymer makes a great point, one that others have reinforced. I've never seen anyone "come back in" and report how great it was to return to alcoholism. Much to the contrary, it is a brutal experience. And it gets harder to rebound.

You're not the same person you were when you began this journey. Stay sober, and you're not going to be the same person a month from now, six months from now and so on. You're going to be better.

Practice some tender, loving self-care and remember that it does get better.
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Old 04-06-2016, 02:42 PM
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My newly-XABF relapsed after 28 months sober and back then the detox stopped his heart. Twice. Please don't go there. Do whatever you have to. Looking back, he had been in prelapse for weeks but never talked about it. I truly wish he had. My heart is broken with the loss of him and us. People love you, you're not alone and they will help you. Stay strong 😊
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Old 04-06-2016, 03:01 PM
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I don't know you bunny, i am new to SR on day 5 of my recovery. Don't come back here Bunny, don't put yourself back into where I am now, crawling through each day, dealing with the aftermath and shame, desperate desperate to not pick up a drink. 5 days on 10 months seems like an eternity.... Please don't come back here.
Stay safe and embrace the life you deserve and have worked so hard to achieve.
Blessings
Elle
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Old 04-06-2016, 03:18 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I just posted a long response only to have my internet crash .

Thank you everyone…I have tears on my eyes with gratitude. You all help me so much!

Sometimes I need to reach out and say I know it looks like I have it all together but I don’t. Please help me! They say you can’t save y our @ss and your face at the same time! I am ashamed to not be winning at life and at sobriety…truth is…this is really, really hard. Some days are good and others really suck.

I was almost to a 7 on the relapse ladder. No definite plan but many possibilities running through my head.

My AV kept telling me I could moderate. I thought about the last year of my drinking. I went to detox and rehab for 7 weeks last January. I came out and drank the day I got home. I crashed my car and droe down I-90 with it leaking fluid, back bumper GONE, car smoking and only going 20 mph on the interstate waving people around me like JESUS just GO AROUND ME. Why I was not pulled over, I do not know. I then tried to drown myself in a reservoir and landed myself in a locked mental ward for 17 days making macaroni necklaces and beaded purses during “arts and crafts” hour. I got out and went to a Jazz festival and drank 8 ciders. A month later I was bleeding to death in my apartment, alone. My sponsor at the time showed up with another woman from AA and they scraped me off my floor and dove me to the ER….my sponsor had to sit in the back seat with me and hold my broken body while my nose poured blood and I seized the whole way to the ER. I was in hypertensive crisis when admitted and would not have lived much longer. I then went to detox and rehab for another 2 months. I’ve been sober since that day I was rescued from my apartment and almost certain alcoholic death at the age of 33. I do NOT want to go back there. I cannot drink normally.

After work I went to this cute little local grocery store. I am now the proud owner of a massive burrito, a box of Pepperidge Farm cookies, a mega home made chocolate chip cookie, a slice of iced lemon cake, and 3 seltzer waters. Om nom nom. I can FEEL myself getting fatter.

I love you all. Thank you Thank you Thank you for listening to me and responding and helping me stay sober.

Gonna eat my cake and waddle to a meeting tonight.

Love,
Bunny
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Old 04-06-2016, 03:23 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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There you go, waddle on Bunny!!! 😀😀😊😊
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Old 04-06-2016, 03:29 PM
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(((((Bunny))))))

I was just looking for the post where you were on the brink of death from drinking-I remember reading it and it struck such a chord. Why? Because you pulled yourself from the edge, and you are here to tell about it- that's amazing in itself.

It's great you are still pushing through..... Keep going!!

When we were drinking, it was bad. Nothing good is for us there anymore.

I'm so glad you posted - this support is SR at it's best.
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Old 04-06-2016, 03:31 PM
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Glad to hear you are feeling better. Get that fifth step done!!
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Old 04-06-2016, 03:32 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I don't have any relapse horror stories, but have a tool that may help you. When I feel like I'm struggling, I list all the reasons I want to stay sober and what I like about being sober. If that doesn't help, keep on remembering what it was like before you quit and why you wanted to quit.
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Old 04-06-2016, 03:34 PM
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"Winning at life and sobriety" is NOT the same as it being easy.

Winning is finding it miserably hard a lot of the time...and doing it anyway.

Not to freak you out, but you are one of the people I look up to around here and it's your vulnerable and human posts I admire most because they're honest.

Enjoy your fiesta del carbohydrates (I've doing that all week, maybe it's our weather?)...nobody ever got hurt or arrested for DWC...driving while cake.

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Old 04-06-2016, 03:50 PM
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I understand the desire for the buzz. We all do.

My last drinking binge was horrid. I remember drinking shot after shot. The shots were big. I was so drunk. I couldn't see straight. It was a nightmare mare. I got in a giant fight w my wife. I could have done something terrible.

Who needs that....Booze can ruin us. Every aspect of us.

Remember, it is a short lived thing, maybe an hour of drunken euphoria.

Then hours and days of guilt, depression, anxiety, crave etc. Then you have to fight to recover again. Right now it is only mental. If you drink, it becomes physical and mental.

Heck no. Don't need it.

I'm at 11 months on the 9th.

My anxiety is faded pretty well. It is not gone, but it may never be. This may be normal.

Be proud you are clean. Don't poison your body.
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Old 04-06-2016, 04:03 PM
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Bunny it is fear,false evidence appearing real.

No Alcoholic has ever drank again and come back to tell us how wonderful it is.

If you want to go to an AA meeting and share exactly how you feel,go.I never knew there were meetings you can't share at before you have made your amends!

You have got through today,you will get through tomorrow if you do the right things.

Wishing you well.
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Old 04-06-2016, 04:30 PM
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Xoxoxo
The food was a good choice! Sounds absolutely delicious!
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Old 04-06-2016, 04:38 PM
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I really appreciate this thread Bunny! Thanks so much for sharing and your honesty!
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Old 04-06-2016, 04:44 PM
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Bunny,
nobody else's relapse experience is gonna keep you sober. you have your own to look back on, as you've just done.
not winning at life and sobriety?
you're here, alive, struggling, sober.
that's what winning looks like.

i needed to share with face-to-face people, and still do. i didn't start out in AA but got there after a while, and in both my secular and now my AA meetings there is no two-tier system where some get to share and others don't.
i hope you'll consider adding some other meeting(s) where you get to speak and share.
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