KiKi0615

I just can't do this! (Sorry... This is LONG)

I wake up every morning and swear that I'm gonna stay sober for the next 24 hours. I did that this morning. Then about 2 o'clock I was running errands and I called my husband and we got in a big argument on the phone. I just happen to be right next to a gas station. Instead of calling anyone, posting on sober recovery or "thinking through the drink", I pulled in and bought beer and started drinking it. (((Auto pilot)))

I'm starting to think that I'm never going to get this. Is this how my life will end?

I never told you guys this but I actually had several years of sobriety before relapsing 2 years ago.

During that sobriety I was actively working AA for the first few years and then I stopped going for some reason. I thought it was cured, I guess. Then one thing led to another and I ended up trying to see if I could drink again.

The first time I drank after several years I had one beer went home. (That gave me false confidence for sure!) After that within a month I was drinking alcoholically again.

I know this disease is chronic, progressive and fatal and I've seen family and friends died from it. I know it's destroying my life and that I hate what I'm doing. I can make a list of 300 things that I hate about my life that are a direct result of alcohol. I can check into SR a 1000 times a day & I still drank today!

I hate myself when I drink so why do I keep doing it? Why can't I resist?

I am so tired of being depressed, anxious, full of shame and guilt, feeling remorse, sick of not being out to look people in the eye, not accomplishing the goals that I know that I want to accomplish and not being a mother and a wife that my family deserves.

What is it gonna take for me to stop this madness?

Aside from alcohol I'm a very loving, caring, intelligent person that would do anything for anyone. The only thing I want to do is help myself!

Why? Why do I hate myself so much? Maybe because as a kid I was constantly told what a piece of **** I was???

I can't go to treatment because we can't afford it. Where I live it is soooo expensive. I'm talking thousands and thousands of dollars. And that's after insurance!

Every single time I drink I swear it's going to be the last time. Then I get to day three or four and I drink again. I've always been a 2-3 day a evening per week binge drinker...never continuous...YET! :-(

I don't know why I can't get off this hellish cycle. What am I doing wrong? The only thing I'm doing different this time around is I'm not going today AA actively. I keep telling myself that I need to do 90 meetings in 90 days again like I did the first time around because that's how I got several years of sobriety. I keep promising myself I'm gonna go to my meeting and I don't go. (((So much shame to go back & say I relapsed))).

I'm not saying you guys aren't enough. Sober recovery is a great tool absolutely! But apparently "this alcoholic" needs more.

I am very sick. I have a disease that not only makes me hate myself but is running my life. I want it to stop.! I truly hate myself!

My life is so unmanageable. I've gained 40 pounds since I relapsed and I can't even look in the mirror. I feel like a horrible mother, horrible wife, just a horrible human being. I've spent so much money that we don't have. I've wasted so many days of my life!

Every single time I drink I risk getting a DUI. If I get a DUI I am in so much trouble! But yet when I drink it seems that I don't care. My disease doesn't care.

If you have any advice for me I will take it to heart.

The disease of alcoholism is absolutely evil and relentless. It will not stop until it kills us! Feeling disgusted & hopeless!

God help me help myself!

yinzer

You say that AA helped you last time....you really should give it another go. You can do it and life will be so much better! The best time to start is now.

OldTomato

Did you get a sponsor and start working the steps when you were attending AA KiKi?

Having a plan is always a good idea in recovery - it'll give you a way to deal with situations (like the argument with your husband) other than alcohol. Here's Dee's link - http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Saskia

Can you afford to not get treatment?! There are options if you truly want to manage this. AA sounds like a good start. Perhaps make a deal with yourself that you will go now. You won't be the first AA member to relapse so you will get good support.

Ariesagain

You do this because your body is addicted to alcohol, a powerfully addictive chemical depressant. If you keep stopping for three days and then starting again, what you're doing is putting your body through a constant cycle of poisoning and withdrawal. You never get through the worst of withdrawal so you will continue to feel worse physically and mentally every time.


Back to AA ASAP? You really don't yet know how much better you can feel until you give yourself enough sober time to get to the good parts.

zlhzlh

I'm not sure what to say other than try and imagine your life without your husband, kids, freedom. Imagine how life would be if you had an accident whilst drunk, if you caused an accident whilst drunk. Today could be the beginning of your new life, stop drinking today and don't ever look back. If you can't do it for yourself , do it for your children. You are the one person who's actions now will affect the rest of their lives. X

Soberwolf

Hi Kiki like others have suggested getting a recovery programme or following a plan really helps but sometimes that isn't enough & if you think treatment might be a better option I endorse your decision hun I also think this is a really brave honest post xx

teatreeoil007

Please don't feel bad for making a long post. It wasn't that long, anyways...you needed to post what you did! In it you identified a lot of things that need to be put in words and not hold all that junk in. You are so not a horrible person, kiki...but being told you were worthless as a child gets imprinted on your mind and it's hard to get rid of those types of thoughts. You are NOT worthless, not even close. You are a good person who is addicted to alcohol. You can stop drinking and stay stopped....you've been SUCCESSFUL before, you can be again. Your previous sobriety time is impressive and shows what you're really made of and you are not a failure.

Sounds like AA really helped you before so I think it would help you again and it's free! Everyone in that meeting will understand and not condemn you; they won't make you feel WORSE about this; they won't rub salt in your wounds...they will help you feel better and empowered and help you start to heal. From what I can gather you've got some junk from your childhood that is still haunting you and a big source of pain for you.

tomsteve

kiki, heres a few lines from aa's big book:
the story of how thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism.

We, OF Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

We, of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill. Nearly all have recovered. They have solved the drink problem.

We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Without help it is too much for us.


commit to getting sober, kiki.

Dee74

Hi Kiki

when you first came to SR you were 'doing it'. You've obviously done it before as well, so there's no question you can do it again.

Maybe it's a good idea to read through your earliest posts - see the things that you faced them and faced sober?

I think you lost your confidence when you started therapy. You can get that confidence back again - but you can't expect it to just visit itself upon you.

You need to do a few workouts to regain those sober muscles

Maybe AA is an option - it's free and it's available almost everywhere?

Whatever you do tho - don't drink and drive. I say if your AV really wants a drink make the jerk walk for it.

D

ccam1973

Kiki, you had some serious sober time under your belt. That means you know what it takes and have the ability to get there again.

I'm sure most of us can relate to waking up every morning and telling ourselves "there will be no drinking today"... just to cave late afternoon or early that evening. I spent 4 of the last 5 years of my drinking career doing that. The final year of my drinking I finally gave up trying to get sober. That's when i began to drink earlier and earlier in the day. Finally I was drinking nearly 24/7 and spiraling out of control

You are right, this disease is progressive and will ultimately get worse unless you break the cycle.

You've got the power to make this change, you are strong enough and have proven that by staying sober for 2 years in the past.

Use what ever source for recovery you can, come up with a plan to help when your AV kicks in and most importantly play it forward in your mind of where that one drink will take you. You deserve to live a better life and only you can make this change. Believe in yourself. There plenty of us here that never thought it was possible either; me included.

Dig deep and make this happen for you and your family. Lean on us, go to AA, do what ever it takes to break this cycle.

You can do it Kiki.

ScottFromWI

I'd suggest going back to AA and giving it 100% of your effort Kiki. The program works if you let it.

If you have insurance, I'd also suggest seeking counseling if you cannot afford to pay the out of pocket expenses for full on rehab. Therapy is much less expensive and can be very helpful - I go about every 3 weeks and my total cost out of pocket is about $20 per visit. It's been very helpful in dealing with my anxiety and other issues that were underlying my alcoholism.

Delizadee

I think the very first thing you need to do is stop and make a commitment to yourself.

I am NEVER going to drink again.

And then build your arsenal and your army and give it all you have got, never forgetting your commitment to yourself.

Recovery is a process.
Sobriety is a choice.
Relapse is drinking.

You have it in you and all the tools you need at your disposal to accomplish sobriety. We all just take different times and ways to find our way to get to that point of sticking with it with out excuse. Because we know what can happen if we're on the wrong side of the choice.

I was in your same place for a long time. I kept saying AA wasn't enough for me or x wasn't enough to stay sober etc. In time and it's a work in progress always, I realized the choice 2as mine, and I am enough to keep me sober and I lean heavily on the things that help keep me on that path of wellness, when I need to. You have it in you, and you are not alone in this!

SoberinSyracuse

Go right back to AA! I don't say that because I'm a fan of AA, but because it seems to be the variable between You, Sober and You, Drunk. Go back right away and replicate the things that kept you sober for those years.

Will 'ya do that? Go today, or tomorrow at the latest. You can get back to sobriety.

Jsbodhi

Hi kiki,

Every time you post something I swear you're the same as me.

I was a 2-3 night ( sometimes 4) wine binge drinker, I relapsed for a year, I was seriously so proud I actually made 10 days ( 9 was my record for years)
I was probably voted least likely to succeed in my dec 2014 class- everyone else was doing so well and I seriously couldn't do it, one failure after another.
I don't even know my sober date because I kept failing so much I stopped bothering to pay attention.
Then one day I just stayed sober- I just got so sick of it.
I was also 20 lbs too fat as well, it was disgusting.
I couldn't trust myself which was the worst part.
Just keep going, the weekender thread is honestly one of the biggest contributors to my sobriety because I made friends and it's just a nice place to hangout when I'm bored, upset, happy- anything.

Stick with it! Xoxo

I think it can be a bit hard for us binge drinkers; because we can convince ourselves we're not that bad because it's not everyday, and every time I would try to quit I would tell myself " just one more binge won't hurt- then I'll quit"
It never stops until you stop
AA made me want to drink more, so I had to try other stuff.
Just keep trying things until something sticks

And I can also moderate- just not for very long- I realized I don't want to moderate, 2 drinks is lame, the extra calories weren't even worth it without the buzz.
I want to get high, simple. Not sip on wine like a normal person.

immri

KiKi - I hope you're ok, I posted a reply in our march thread, basically I relate 100% and I really, really hope you go to AA if that's what helped you last time.

Anna

I agree with you Kiki, this disease makes us hate ourselves, which makes it even harder to care enough to stop drinking. You've gotten lots of good advice here, so I will just say that there is no doubt in my mind that you can do this.

BBQBOY

A good alternative to inpatient rehab is intensive out patient therapy (IOP). Most of them have night hours and are a lot less expensive than inpatient. You will have access to all the support and medical an inpatient has, and you get the freedom of going home each day. I attended an inpatient many years ago( $$$) and just recently finished an IOP. The same information and support was available at both. I consider IOP a good value, just google IOP's in your area. Best wishes to you in your recovery.

strategery

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but what are you doing for your recovery? Are you working on your thinking? Going to meetings? Learning and using new tools from here? Is sobriety your key priority? What are you willing to do if you continue to struggle? Are you willing to set hard deadlines for yourself to get sober and willing to take additional actions (even inpatient if you need it) if you're still having issues getting sober?

I had to set hard deadlines for myself. Some of the motivation was I didn't want to have to use additional resources, so it kept me motivated since I felt I had wasted enough time having alcohol in my life.
One of the tools that may help you that helped me in early recovery, was asking myself why I wanted to drink if I was feeling the need to drink. I would then make myself identify what I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. It was really tough at first since I was so used to using alcohol to cope with a wide variety of emotions or circumstances (it's hot, a storm is coming in, NFL is on, I am upset, angry, anxious, happy, sad). It gets easier, but you learn to identify emotions. You then learn to deal with them differently. For awhile you'll feel very raw and early sobriety is very uncomfortable, but you can get through it and it really does get better with time.
Hang in there!

Venecia

Lots of great counsel here, Kiki. I can only urge you not to drive after you've been drinking. Any trouble you get in may be the least of the bad outcomes when the lives of others on the road are part of the equation.