this is'nt living!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 180
this is'nt living!!!!
here I am again!!
and as the title suggests ....im not living im just surviving!!! hoping that this secret doesn't come out.
so let me tell you about my last 16 hours or so.....
left work at 5pm.
called at my local shop for a bottle of wine, I had half a bottle already at home so I figured a bottle and half would be fine for an average week night.
pour a glass as soon as I get home, half way down the glass I decide that a bottle and half isn't enough after all and I need another bottle.
two glasses later I leave the house to collect my son form his grandmothers a short distance away. I call at the 2nd local shop for another bottle on the way - obviously I don't go to the same shop!!
collect son, return home and carry on drinking. I vaguely remember most of the evening but I certainly don't remember going to bed, leaving the doors unlocked and lights on.
I wake up this morning (luckily I had remembered to set my alarm) to find my four year old son in bed next to me complaining that he had been shouting me in the night because he was sick in his bed. I was passed out and didn't hear him...... I feel so terrible!!
this morning i've managed to get us both up and ready. had a frantic search around the house to find my makeup bag which I obviously need today of all days as I look like sh*t. after the panick I realisaed it was where it was supposed to be all along.
I drive my son to school, no doubt over the limit as I still feel quite pi**ed!! smile at everyone, speak to the teacher hoping the extra strong mints are working and she cant smell the stale wine that I can still taste.
I arrive late to work cos im desperately trying to sort myself and tasks at home out. im now sat at work, hoping that no one looks to closely to see how terrible I look, or listens too hard to hear my gruff, slightly slurred voice cos I still feel pi**ed!!
I know you will all say ' make a plan' ive done that .... it doesn't work, the urge to drink is too strong.
rehab .... no chance.
meetings ..... try getting to a meeting when you're pretty much a single parent trying to work nearly full time in a demanding job.
im sorry for ranting but I truly don't know what the answer is!!!
and as the title suggests ....im not living im just surviving!!! hoping that this secret doesn't come out.
so let me tell you about my last 16 hours or so.....
left work at 5pm.
called at my local shop for a bottle of wine, I had half a bottle already at home so I figured a bottle and half would be fine for an average week night.
pour a glass as soon as I get home, half way down the glass I decide that a bottle and half isn't enough after all and I need another bottle.
two glasses later I leave the house to collect my son form his grandmothers a short distance away. I call at the 2nd local shop for another bottle on the way - obviously I don't go to the same shop!!
collect son, return home and carry on drinking. I vaguely remember most of the evening but I certainly don't remember going to bed, leaving the doors unlocked and lights on.
I wake up this morning (luckily I had remembered to set my alarm) to find my four year old son in bed next to me complaining that he had been shouting me in the night because he was sick in his bed. I was passed out and didn't hear him...... I feel so terrible!!
this morning i've managed to get us both up and ready. had a frantic search around the house to find my makeup bag which I obviously need today of all days as I look like sh*t. after the panick I realisaed it was where it was supposed to be all along.
I drive my son to school, no doubt over the limit as I still feel quite pi**ed!! smile at everyone, speak to the teacher hoping the extra strong mints are working and she cant smell the stale wine that I can still taste.
I arrive late to work cos im desperately trying to sort myself and tasks at home out. im now sat at work, hoping that no one looks to closely to see how terrible I look, or listens too hard to hear my gruff, slightly slurred voice cos I still feel pi**ed!!
I know you will all say ' make a plan' ive done that .... it doesn't work, the urge to drink is too strong.
rehab .... no chance.
meetings ..... try getting to a meeting when you're pretty much a single parent trying to work nearly full time in a demanding job.
im sorry for ranting but I truly don't know what the answer is!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: BC
Posts: 68
If you could transfer some of that negative energy and time spent hurting your brain to going to the gym instead, you would feel absolutely amazing and be on top of all those tasks with a clear fresh head and alot more money in ur pocket
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi adelina -
I don't believe in urges 'too strong to fight' - but I do believe that we can convince ourselves of that.
You've just about convinced yourself there's nothing you can do either - rehab is out, meetings are out...
It sounds like you went to a lot of effort to drink last night, yeah?
you need to be putting that same effort into not drinking I think.
What did the plan you made look like? Maybe if you share that we can help you make a better plan?
D
I don't believe in urges 'too strong to fight' - but I do believe that we can convince ourselves of that.
You've just about convinced yourself there's nothing you can do either - rehab is out, meetings are out...
It sounds like you went to a lot of effort to drink last night, yeah?
you need to be putting that same effort into not drinking I think.
What did the plan you made look like? Maybe if you share that we can help you make a better plan?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 204
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and that must be tough, but no doubt drinking is only making your life more stressful. You have a little boy who needs you to be sober. That's the biggest motivation ever. You've got to keep fighting the fight. You can do it. It is possible. I hope you find it in you to start over today.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Ranting is fine, but it isn't getting you sober.
I'm not sure what you are hoping to hear from us that you haven't heard in numerous replies to previous posts of yours. Those posts are usually regret-filled over your drinking.
What do you imagine they will sound like a year, two years from now if you are still drinking?
You had a post about joining Smart Recovery. What happened with that? You were going to join the January class for accountability...one post.
As Dee said, put as much effort into your recovery as you do in your drinking, you might have a chance at sobriety.
I'm not sure what you are hoping to hear from us that you haven't heard in numerous replies to previous posts of yours. Those posts are usually regret-filled over your drinking.
What do you imagine they will sound like a year, two years from now if you are still drinking?
You had a post about joining Smart Recovery. What happened with that? You were going to join the January class for accountability...one post.
As Dee said, put as much effort into your recovery as you do in your drinking, you might have a chance at sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 180
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi adelina -
I don't believe in urges 'too strong to fight' - but I do believe that we can convince ourselves of that.
You've just about convinced yourself there's nothing you can do either - rehab is out, meetings are out...
It sounds like you went to a lot of effort to drink last night, yeah?
you need to be putting that same effort into not drinking I think.
What did the plan you made look like? Maybe if you share that we can help you make a better plan?
D
I don't believe in urges 'too strong to fight' - but I do believe that we can convince ourselves of that.
You've just about convinced yourself there's nothing you can do either - rehab is out, meetings are out...
It sounds like you went to a lot of effort to drink last night, yeah?
you need to be putting that same effort into not drinking I think.
What did the plan you made look like? Maybe if you share that we can help you make a better plan?
D
1. Spend evenings reading all those books I want to read and catching up on the missed TV I keep meaning to watch instead of drinking.
2. Use the colouring books I've got but hardly looked at to de stress.
3. Try some meditation to relax
4. Spend lots of time on here.
5. Try on line meetings.
I did none of them ....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think you'll find some really good ideas here to make an even better plan...but yeah the second, and most important part, is doing something.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
I waited years for some kind of spontaneous remission of my alcoholism .
It never happened.
If you want change you need to make changes adelina - there are no shortcuts I'm afraid.
D
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
I waited years for some kind of spontaneous remission of my alcoholism .
It never happened.
If you want change you need to make changes adelina - there are no shortcuts I'm afraid.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi Adelina, I'm sorry for what you are going through. As one mother to another, I know how crushing it is to let down a child, and put them at risk. I won't go through all the what-if's of last night because I know you already have.
I too am on my own with two kids and know how difficult it can be to fit everything in.
I also got the comment, maybe it was from Carl, that if I put as much effort into recovery as I did into drinking i'd at least be off to a decent start. So I did that. It wasn't/isn't easy, but surprise, surprise it is easier than drinking.
Getting to meetings are hard for me too, my town just has one a week, starting at 9pm when my kids are already in bed. But I go when I can have them stay at their father's. Are there meetings you could make that are during hours you normally would be on your own drinking? Is childcare a possibility? What about seeing your doctor for an outpatient rehab? Yes, it would require shuffling your schedule and asking people around you for help picking up your son, watching him, etc, but it is possible. Can you ask about medication to help with cravings?
I too am on my own with two kids and know how difficult it can be to fit everything in.
I also got the comment, maybe it was from Carl, that if I put as much effort into recovery as I did into drinking i'd at least be off to a decent start. So I did that. It wasn't/isn't easy, but surprise, surprise it is easier than drinking.
Getting to meetings are hard for me too, my town just has one a week, starting at 9pm when my kids are already in bed. But I go when I can have them stay at their father's. Are there meetings you could make that are during hours you normally would be on your own drinking? Is childcare a possibility? What about seeing your doctor for an outpatient rehab? Yes, it would require shuffling your schedule and asking people around you for help picking up your son, watching him, etc, but it is possible. Can you ask about medication to help with cravings?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
adelina, where are you going with this? In a few years your son will know exactly what's going on, and your alcoholism will be a major blight on his young life. I know you don't want that.
Your physical health will deteriorate and you'll hate yourself.
Maybe start by seeing your doctor? Even sharing with a supportive professional may be the break you need. Book a long appointment and be brutally honest.
Your physical health will deteriorate and you'll hate yourself.
Maybe start by seeing your doctor? Even sharing with a supportive professional may be the break you need. Book a long appointment and be brutally honest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
Hi Adelina. Those urges won't last forever if you get sober for a while. I know it feels like you can only kill the urge by giving into the drink but every time you drink it just makes you want MORE.
I used to get seriously upset when I got to the gas station a few minutes before they opened because I had to wait a little while for my morning beer.
Now I hardly think about alcohol and I dont expect the obsession to return unless I purposely engage in fantasies about it. Dont allow hourself to fantasize about how nice a drink will be. That's an illusion and fantasizing is a major part of the addiction IMO.
The first few weeks of sobriety are usually the hardest for daily drinkers. I found it helpful to get on this board first thing every morning, and commit to staying sober every single day no matter how stressed out or unhappy I got. And continued to get on this board throughout the day.
Make it your #1 priority first thing EVERY morning to stay sober, because it IS the most important thing for you to focus on right now.
What can you do instead of drinking in the evenings? Take a nap? Watch a movie? Put as much effort into sobriety as you can for now.
I used to get seriously upset when I got to the gas station a few minutes before they opened because I had to wait a little while for my morning beer.
Now I hardly think about alcohol and I dont expect the obsession to return unless I purposely engage in fantasies about it. Dont allow hourself to fantasize about how nice a drink will be. That's an illusion and fantasizing is a major part of the addiction IMO.
The first few weeks of sobriety are usually the hardest for daily drinkers. I found it helpful to get on this board first thing every morning, and commit to staying sober every single day no matter how stressed out or unhappy I got. And continued to get on this board throughout the day.
Make it your #1 priority first thing EVERY morning to stay sober, because it IS the most important thing for you to focus on right now.
What can you do instead of drinking in the evenings? Take a nap? Watch a movie? Put as much effort into sobriety as you can for now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 180
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Ranting is fine, but it isn't getting you sober.
I'm not sure what you are hoping to hear from us that you haven't heard in numerous replies to previous posts of yours. Those posts are usually regret-filled over your drinking.
What do you imagine they will sound like a year, two years from now if you are still drinking?
You had a post about joining Smart Recovery. What happened with that? You were going to join the January class for accountability...one post.
As Dee said, put as much effort into your recovery as you do in your drinking, you might have a chance at sobriety.
I'm not sure what you are hoping to hear from us that you haven't heard in numerous replies to previous posts of yours. Those posts are usually regret-filled over your drinking.
What do you imagine they will sound like a year, two years from now if you are still drinking?
You had a post about joining Smart Recovery. What happened with that? You were going to join the January class for accountability...one post.
As Dee said, put as much effort into your recovery as you do in your drinking, you might have a chance at sobriety.
I don't know what I'm expecting people to say. I think I'm hoping for a magic cure to make this all go away and turn me in to a ' normal drinker'
So thank you ... harsh but honest and right!!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by adelina123
I'm not trying hard enough and then when it's too much such as a day like today I come on here feeling sorry for myself and expecting others to do so too.
I don't know what I'm expecting people to say. I think I'm hoping for a magic cure to make this all go away and turn me in to a ' normal drinker'
So thank you ... harsh but honest and right!!
I don't know what I'm expecting people to say. I think I'm hoping for a magic cure to make this all go away and turn me in to a ' normal drinker'
So thank you ... harsh but honest and right!!
Everything bad about your day was either caused by or made worse by alcohol. Everything.
Have you read this blog? She's a great writer and I think you'll find you have much in common:
Mummy was a Secret Drinker
I wish you success...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
I am a single parent too. It can be hard. But, what about putting the money you are spending on booze towards a babysitter so you can go to a meeting/gym/something in the evening to focus on your sobriety?
I always thought I could not afford a babysitter - but amazingly always had the money for booze - I needed to put as much effort into things to keep me sober as I did into drinking, and that includes some financial resources.
I always thought I could not afford a babysitter - but amazingly always had the money for booze - I needed to put as much effort into things to keep me sober as I did into drinking, and that includes some financial resources.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posts: 440
Hi, I could have written something similar so many times (though my son's older and I work from home - but the quantity and the not remembering anything. I had a parcel delivered on Sunday and don't remember taking it in. Last year I was in a shop when there was an armed raid. I don't remember the police coming round for a statement that night).
You mention you left work at 5pm, stopped at a shop and had 2 glasses of wine before going to collect your son. Do you have anything like AddAction nearby? They tend to have a late evening once a week that you may be able to get to in between finishing work and picking your son up. It wouldn't surprise me in fact if they would let you take him with you. They are one to one counselling sessions and you can self refer.
I find visuals help. When I managed 6 weeks last year I kept stickys on my front door - to the left for a dry day and t the right for a drinking day. They all went to the left.
That isn't possible at the moment as my son is older and has friends to stay. What I've started today so have yet to discover if it is going to help is set an alarm to go off every half hour with a different label each time - things like 'you can do it' and 'a year with no alcohol equals a nice holiday' and 'alcohol is fattening'. My thinking is that I get a bit of encouragement every 30 mins so my AV doesn't get much time to pipe up.
Good luck x
You mention you left work at 5pm, stopped at a shop and had 2 glasses of wine before going to collect your son. Do you have anything like AddAction nearby? They tend to have a late evening once a week that you may be able to get to in between finishing work and picking your son up. It wouldn't surprise me in fact if they would let you take him with you. They are one to one counselling sessions and you can self refer.
I find visuals help. When I managed 6 weeks last year I kept stickys on my front door - to the left for a dry day and t the right for a drinking day. They all went to the left.
That isn't possible at the moment as my son is older and has friends to stay. What I've started today so have yet to discover if it is going to help is set an alarm to go off every half hour with a different label each time - things like 'you can do it' and 'a year with no alcohol equals a nice holiday' and 'alcohol is fattening'. My thinking is that I get a bit of encouragement every 30 mins so my AV doesn't get much time to pipe up.
Good luck x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Holy cow. I think you just narrated every day I had for the last several years I drank. I could even feel it all as I read it.
It doesn't have to be that way at all. It will be hard but not impossible, Get busy.
It doesn't have to be that way at all. It will be hard but not impossible, Get busy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 180
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
adelina, where are you going with this? In a few years your son will know exactly what's going on, and your alcoholism will be a major blight on his young life. I know you don't want that.
Your physical health will deteriorate and you'll hate yourself.
Maybe start by seeing your doctor? Even sharing with a supportive professional may be the break you need. Book a long appointment and be brutally honest.
Your physical health will deteriorate and you'll hate yourself.
Maybe start by seeing your doctor? Even sharing with a supportive professional may be the break you need. Book a long appointment and be brutally honest.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Adelina, I think you need a much more comprehensive plan than just counting your spare cash, but Virginia really has a good idea about recognizing the multitude of benefits of sobriety.
I have a few things I do to make a living, some of my work pay goes into the bank and I use that to pay rent/bills/grocery, etc. I also get a lot of cash for English lessons. That case was always so easy to put in the wallet and take it back out minutes later when I got to a bar. It was like it was never there. I'd then of course have to go to the atm for more. I am now taking all of my English lesson cash and putting it into a box and saving to take my kids to lego land!
My children's father can afford to take them so many places and the most I've ever been able to do is beach days here locally. I thought that it would be slow going just putting in fivers and tenners but I can't believe how fast it is adding up! It'll be some months now but I am going to be able to afford plane tickets, hotel, entry to lego land (€40 a pop!) meals out, a treat at the gift shop and more for a weekend. What a joy to look forward to sharing a healthy, happy, sober experience with my kids and all it took was me not drinking.
Again, just saving money won't be enough to keep you sober I would guess (it is not the only thing I am doing to stay sober) but it is another, huge incentive.
I have a few things I do to make a living, some of my work pay goes into the bank and I use that to pay rent/bills/grocery, etc. I also get a lot of cash for English lessons. That case was always so easy to put in the wallet and take it back out minutes later when I got to a bar. It was like it was never there. I'd then of course have to go to the atm for more. I am now taking all of my English lesson cash and putting it into a box and saving to take my kids to lego land!
My children's father can afford to take them so many places and the most I've ever been able to do is beach days here locally. I thought that it would be slow going just putting in fivers and tenners but I can't believe how fast it is adding up! It'll be some months now but I am going to be able to afford plane tickets, hotel, entry to lego land (€40 a pop!) meals out, a treat at the gift shop and more for a weekend. What a joy to look forward to sharing a healthy, happy, sober experience with my kids and all it took was me not drinking.
Again, just saving money won't be enough to keep you sober I would guess (it is not the only thing I am doing to stay sober) but it is another, huge incentive.
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