jryan19982

Lets be honest, had you (we) kept your (our) sh$$ together while drinking, you (we) wouldnt be here.

Ok so your wife read your journal you asked her not to. Did you ever do anything that your wife asked you not to do? Kind of the same thing, but the journal had a sense of truth and privacy to it.

I would ask why she read it in the first place and try and understand where she is coming from. Then I would add that you wrote all that down, so you dont forget it, or minimize it, so that you can stay sober. You kept the journal for your well being.

I would then apologize for the actions you did that made her upset, if you are sorry for them. You cant change them, but you can use them as a basis of getting sober.

But now is not the time for blame, on either side. Now is the time to understand, and fix what is broke. Work towards a positive outcome and I think everything will work out best in the end.

Sorry you are going though this.

Steve3929

Thanks JRyan. My "kept my **it together" was mostly a joke because she was shocked by what she read. She had very minor worries during my hardest drinking nights where I was a stumbler, but didn't know I was a daily drinker. Honestly, she probably just got really used to me always being just a little loose. We have both apologized, but it will take a long time for both of us to regain the trust we lost. It took 11 years to build it. I destroyed her trust in me by not opening up to her about my self concerns regarding my drinking. That took a couple years of action. I lost some trust in her (she is literally the only person in the whole world who I trusted genuinely) because it is the only think I can remember ever asking her not to do. It's a bump in the road. She'll never look at me the same (her words). I will trust her again. In fact, I pretty much already do. Not that I will be exposing myself again like that (I say this with a desktop version of journal that details my drinking day to day). We are a good team. A good couple. But it was a shocker. Thanks again JRyan.

jryan19982

Maybe who knows. But chances are that as long as you keep progressing towards a permanently sober life she will come around. From my experience, she is emotional right now and will calm back down so there is more discussion to be had.

Its a tough spot to be in, she feels violated, you feel violated... and you both have that right.

Good luck!

Obladi

Of course she will never look at you the same; this is what happens when we learn secrets about other people, whether that information is volunteered or found. This is not necessarily a bad thing, although it may be rough to live through for a time while the lenses adjust.

teatreeoil007

Perhaps we've all read things we shouldn't ... Hope things are going better for you guys!

Steve3929

Things are great. I'm sure she is super suspicious of me now, but that is certainly deserved. Thank you for asking.

FreeOwl

There ya go.

In any long term relationship there's going to be some violation, some trust broken, some betrayal, some hurt, some anger.....

That's part of what makes up a long term relationship between humans.... because they are humans.

When hurt happens - it can be an opportunity to open up dialogue, to share, to get honest, to clear the air and better understand one another. It can become a very intimate and healing thing... not that it should be an excuse to do hurtful things - just that when hurtful things happen, they can have a positive outcome.

Alcoholism is hard to understand - even for those of us who ARE alcoholic. So imagine how hard it (and our behavior) are to understand to people who aren't alcoholic!!

I'm glad you handled this without drinking, Steve. I'm glad this is turning in the direction of opportunity for you and your wife. Keep it up, and this will probably turn out to be a pivotal point in your relationship and in your sobriety in deeply positive ways.

FreeOwl

she'll never look at you the same?

Well, in my experience... that's true. Loved ones of alcoholics almost NEVER look at their loved ones the same in recovery as they did in active alcoholism.

And thank God for that.....

Soberwolf

Hoping things continue to improve

Croissant

Agree.

jryan19982

I'm glad things are turning around for you. Keep strong. Don't pick up that first drink.

PurpleKnight

Keep pushing through Steve, great to hear things are going well!!

Steve3929

I can only imagine her shock when she found out how much I actually drink. For a quick understanding, I was an all day drinker. You know, couple in the morning, few at lunch, several right after dinner and then sneak a bunch after dinner. So she knew I drank more than her (very little for her). I was rarely a stumbling falling over mess, but usually very loose. Looking back, it had it's funny moments. She called me and her voice was clearly distraught asking when I would be home. It was 1:30 am or so and I was gassing up. I told her I needed gas but would be home pretty soon. She asked if I could possibly do without and I said I doubted it. She pleaded just to get home at which point clearly something is wrong. I ask if she is ok, she says no. I go (mind you the context), "Oh no, you're not pregnant, are you?". From there she told me she broke my trust and read my journal. Good thing I was already on this recovery train. Could have been tragic!

Steve3929

You guys are all right though. There are positives in every situation. Her knowing keeps me focused. I also think, this being our first real relationship stumble in our 11 years, we will be stronger for it. Life is great though. Having alcohol control so much of you sucks. Our two kids are awesome. Good luck to all of you in your futures. I know you know probably better than me that once alcohol isn't always in your system, this world is a better place. Much more clear.