The Girl with the Panther Tatoo - A Journal
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 189
Day four. If I hadn't relapsed, it would be day 23, but I suppose I shouldn't think that way.
Thank you, Dee, for the thread on making a plan. That will be my first step in my new plan on recovery.
If I am honest with myself, I've known for quite some time that I am an addict. In November, I went to my GP about depression and he put me on an antidepressant. Is my alcoholism a result of depression, or is my depression a result of alcoholism? I truly don't know the answer to this question.
My major struggle right now is seeing the disappointment in my husband. I feel overwhelmed with emotions. What is priority now with my recovery? My sobriety? My husband's stress and hurt over my alcoholism and actions? The depression? I am so confused.
Right now, my plan consists only of making a plan. I simply don't know what to do next. I've read the articles, but I am so overwhelmed, and that is indeed a dangerous place for an addict.
In any event, I do not want to be where I was a few days ago. Last night when I wanted a drink to calm my emotions, it was not difficult to remind myself of that fact.
Thanks to Soberwolf again for the thread on gratitude. I read the article late last night and am starting my daily gratitude list today.
Lots of love, friends.
Thank you, Dee, for the thread on making a plan. That will be my first step in my new plan on recovery.
If I am honest with myself, I've known for quite some time that I am an addict. In November, I went to my GP about depression and he put me on an antidepressant. Is my alcoholism a result of depression, or is my depression a result of alcoholism? I truly don't know the answer to this question.
My major struggle right now is seeing the disappointment in my husband. I feel overwhelmed with emotions. What is priority now with my recovery? My sobriety? My husband's stress and hurt over my alcoholism and actions? The depression? I am so confused.
Right now, my plan consists only of making a plan. I simply don't know what to do next. I've read the articles, but I am so overwhelmed, and that is indeed a dangerous place for an addict.
In any event, I do not want to be where I was a few days ago. Last night when I wanted a drink to calm my emotions, it was not difficult to remind myself of that fact.
Thanks to Soberwolf again for the thread on gratitude. I read the article late last night and am starting my daily gratitude list today.
Lots of love, friends.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Good for you on day 4, Vona 
In my experience, removing the alcohol was the first thing I needed to do; it cleared the way to start working on the rest of my problems, depression, alcoholic husband, etc.
I, too, wondered which came first, the alcohol or the depression. I was using alcohol to cope and to self medicate, for sure, but now that the alcohol haze is gone I am able to start looking at the rest of my problems with a clear head. They are still there but they are not as scary and overwhelming as they were when I drank. And I have glimmers of hope and experience that it gets better. It really does.
Take good care of yourself, Vona
In my experience, removing the alcohol was the first thing I needed to do; it cleared the way to start working on the rest of my problems, depression, alcoholic husband, etc.
I, too, wondered which came first, the alcohol or the depression. I was using alcohol to cope and to self medicate, for sure, but now that the alcohol haze is gone I am able to start looking at the rest of my problems with a clear head. They are still there but they are not as scary and overwhelming as they were when I drank. And I have glimmers of hope and experience that it gets better. It really does.
Take good care of yourself, Vona
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 120
congratulations and well done for day four, and for your honesty.
Im needing food in the house, but im a little bit scared to leave in case I get the compulsion to at the last minute buy booze. Currently there is non in my house and I feel safe for that - hungry but safe.
Im needing food in the house, but im a little bit scared to leave in case I get the compulsion to at the last minute buy booze. Currently there is non in my house and I feel safe for that - hungry but safe.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Way to go Vona!! I'm on day 5, so we are almost sober twins
In these early days, best to keep things simple. One day at a time, just focus on not drinking.
Easier said than done I know, but try not to think abut your situation with your hubby. Just not drinking is enough for now.
In these early days, best to keep things simple. One day at a time, just focus on not drinking.
Easier said than done I know, but try not to think abut your situation with your hubby. Just not drinking is enough for now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 189
Originally Posted by lisatryingagain 
congratulations and well done for day four, and for your honesty.
Im needing food in the house, but im a little bit scared to leave in case I get the compulsion to at the last minute buy booze. Currently there is non in my house and I feel safe for that - hungry but safe.
Im needing food in the house, but im a little bit scared to leave in case I get the compulsion to at the last minute buy booze. Currently there is non in my house and I feel safe for that - hungry but safe.
.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 189
I think I know that making sobriety first is the right thing to do. My hope is the other matters will be easier to deal and cope with once I've got some days behind me; some strength. My anxiety is pretty damn high right now, but I'm so bloody tired of self-effin-pity. So very tired of it.
How does one concentrate on getting better, but not get too absorbed in the pity-party? Do I have it all wrong?
How does one concentrate on getting better, but not get too absorbed in the pity-party? Do I have it all wrong?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 323
Vona, you have been through a lot recently, I can only suggest the "riding it out" method because I know you wont feel like this all the time.
Get a bit of sober time up and see
In the meantime, try and be kind to yourself, have a look at your gratitude list, eat some good food (or junk if you like ) and remember it gets better!
Hang in there
Get a bit of sober time up and see
In the meantime, try and be kind to yourself, have a look at your gratitude list, eat some good food (or junk if you like
) and remember it gets better!Hang in there
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Hi Vona! Glad you're making some progress. You don't mention much about socializing and seeking companionship with other recovering alcoholics, particularly those who have some sobriety time. That sure helped me way back when I was where you are right now. But you are posting on SR! I wish I had had that advantage way back! That's real power coming to you from all over the world. Awesome, as the kids say. You're in a very vulnerable situation right now and it's evident that your AV is jerking you around. That will lessen but it takes time. Being depressed comes with the territory and the doctors can help with that. Most antidepressants are non addictive. But they need a little time to work. It helps to focus not on "giving up" alcohol (although let's not kid ourselves that's what it sure feels like!). It's getting something, or giving something back to yourself, getting sobriety and freeing yourself from chemical slavery which was bent on destroying you. If it's slavery, as it surely is, then it makes little sense to say, "I'm giving up my chains!" And you're doing it for yourself. Sure others benefit in the long run but it only works if you do it for yourself, not using others as a "control". Doing it for "others" is just dependency all over again.
So good luck and all the best. Hang in there! The road gets less bumpy, less steep as you go along. The sun begins to come out, the clouds lessen.
W.
So good luck and all the best. Hang in there! The road gets less bumpy, less steep as you go along. The sun begins to come out, the clouds lessen.
W.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 189
So, this is the morning of my departure to treatment. Feeling good about that, but not feeling good about other matters. For instance:
A while ago, say two weeks, I offered to my H. that he could look at my online banking if he wanted. He didn't, but last night after a long talk about us moving forward, putting out past where it belongs and making a better future, with regained trust, he decides that he wants to fine-tooth-comb my bank statements for about the last year.
I was so disappointed. So disappointed isn't a fair representation actually. I freaked out. After all his talk about trusting and moving forward. Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant evening. I said some things that were harsh. I feel now like my response was completely improper, but yet still not so sure.
I know it's irrelevant what he saw, but of course, there was nothing noteworthy. I begged him to try to understand what I'm dealing with, encouraging him not only to seek help, but to read the forums like this of alcoholics. He didn't.
This post is NOT a woe is me, I'm so innocent, rant. I know what he's going through. I empathize. Still hurts though.
Nonetheless, I am going to treatment and getting the help needed to stay sober. Whether he stays or leaves, my path, my goals, are firm. One does not almost die in a ditch and not wake up and realize this is real. So...keep it real friends. Live, love, be kind to yourself and others, help, and receive help, and STAY SOBER!
Hugs to you all. Thank you so much for being there, former and for everyone. It isn't this forum that keeps us alive, but each and every one of you.
Now, off I go to the airport soon. Later alligators. (Insert cheesy smiley here).
A while ago, say two weeks, I offered to my H. that he could look at my online banking if he wanted. He didn't, but last night after a long talk about us moving forward, putting out past where it belongs and making a better future, with regained trust, he decides that he wants to fine-tooth-comb my bank statements for about the last year.
I was so disappointed. So disappointed isn't a fair representation actually. I freaked out. After all his talk about trusting and moving forward. Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant evening. I said some things that were harsh. I feel now like my response was completely improper, but yet still not so sure.
I know it's irrelevant what he saw, but of course, there was nothing noteworthy. I begged him to try to understand what I'm dealing with, encouraging him not only to seek help, but to read the forums like this of alcoholics. He didn't.
This post is NOT a woe is me, I'm so innocent, rant. I know what he's going through. I empathize. Still hurts though.
Nonetheless, I am going to treatment and getting the help needed to stay sober. Whether he stays or leaves, my path, my goals, are firm. One does not almost die in a ditch and not wake up and realize this is real. So...keep it real friends. Live, love, be kind to yourself and others, help, and receive help, and STAY SOBER!
Hugs to you all. Thank you so much for being there, former and for everyone. It isn't this forum that keeps us alive, but each and every one of you.
Now, off I go to the airport soon. Later alligators. (Insert cheesy smiley here).
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Wishing You Well In Treatment!
Just wishing you good travels on your way to treatment! Work hard at it to pull out of it every single nugget you can! I can't wait to hear how it goes for you. Surely it will give you a base from which you can work.
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