Vona71

I remember telling my girlfriend once that booze is like the "bad boyfriend." You meet and it's instant lust. This intermittent affair goes on for a while, meeting here and there for a tryst or two, and you are all googly-eyed and happy. Carefree. You know he's bad, and you love it. Then things start changing. He calls you up for a romp and when you get up the next day, you feel ugly and ashamed. Promise yourself it's the last time, "I am going to say no next time! He's no good for me!" But alas, he comes around knockin' again, and you let him right in, and the cycle goes on and on.

Not the best analogy obviously - at that time, my alcoholism wasn't even a thought or a worry. The bad boy was easy to drop for me; the alcohol, well, not so much.

I am 44 years of age. I have been drinking for most of those years. I could say that I was done for from day one. Both parents alcoholics, fighting all the time, rarely any positive emotion. I believe in choice, but I also believe in the psychology.

Mostly a binge drinker in those years, it wasn't until about 42 that things really started progressing. By the time I quit, a mere six days ago, I was drinking almost every day. You know the story: blackouts, embarrassing behaviour, day drinking, etc.

I have a very hard time explaining my emotions about drinking and quitting. To say I am glad that I quit would be a lie. I know that I am supposed to be happy, but all I feel right now is sadness, shame, guilt, and the list goes on.

I don't want to drink ever again. I want to wake up one day and say to myself, truly, "I am no longer living in the past. I am proud of myself for overcoming addiction. I am a good person. I am happy to be alive and alcohol free."

This is my life without alcohol. A journal of my achievements each day I go without a drink. I want to share this with you, and I want you to share with me as well. I am asking you for a favour I have NEVER asked anyone else, "Please help me. I need your support."

Thank you for reading, for your understand and for your honesty.

sobriiestote

Oh Vona, I hear you, I understand, I can't advise, I'm still drinking but I empathise...

Vona71

Tattoo, damnit. Tattoo.
Gawd that kills me.

Oh, and "understanding" damnit. Sheesh.

At least I still have my sense of humour.

ceotase

Now that is funny.

Dee74

I've never regretted making that decision and doing whatever it took to remain sober happy and free of my addiction

SR is a great place to be Vona - there's a lot of hope, and understanding, here

D

NJPump21912

Yep, great place here. Sometimes you think that you're the only one out there and meanwhile there's tons of others that deal with similar situations.

least

They say time heals all wounds. Give yourself more sober time and work on forgiving yourself.

IronPhoenix

I am right there with you Vona. Going on a month without drinking.

We can do this!!!

doggonecarl

It will happen. Not overnight. Just like you didn't get to the place in your drinking where you needed to quit overnight. It takes time to become a drunken mess, and it takes time to undo that damage. But if you remain sober, work a strong program of recovery, you will get there.

I haven't drank in over five years and my sobriety is a blessing.

Bronte39

Hi Vona. I only have an extra two days on you as I am on day 8. I write everyday in a journal, trying to deal with all the highs and lows. My blood pressure, which my Dr was worried about and tried to put me on medication for, has already come down and is a constant reminder for me that if I drink again, I am only slowly killing myself.

SLD

This - We never like to admit it, but alcohol is a poison that damages us. Hurts our bodies, and our minds. And uncontrolled, it'll certainly kill. Think they'll hand out livers in a hospital to those of us who rotted their own with booze? We know the answer to that. Stay strong everyone!

Vona71

Closing out day six. Thank you everyone for the kind words of encouragement and support. Exactly what I needed.

Had some work stress at the end of the day, and boy oh boy did I want that drink. I could taste it. Here at home alone, it would not have been difficult. However, I told AV to go pound salt. She's not too happy, but p*ss on her.

Pretty sure I mentioned this in another post, but I will reiterate here: day seven will be the longest I've gone without a drink in over 20 years.

2ndhandrose

well done Vona

Here's to day 7 and onward

ubntubnt

Ah Vona, don't be so hard on yourself......that bad boyfriend relationship sounds great! (joking)

Give it time, you have taken but one little baby step on a long fulfilling journey. The first step is the most important of course but the journey is what will give you the reward. EVERY poster on this board who has quit drinking has said their life is better for it and to give it some time. I trust them on that, it makes sense to me. Lets take the next few steps in the faith that the sober journey will be great.

ps....where can I find a "bad girlfriend"?

Vona71

Ha! That one made me LOL!

Thanks for that, ubntubnt.

Vona71

Not sure how to explain this, but since quitting, I've noticed some strange behaviour. I am compulsively washing my hands. They feel dirty all the time. Very strange. Another odd thing is controlling my eating. I'm not sure what's going on here, but I'm limiting my caloric intake for some reason. Not sure why. Not to lose weight. Not for health reasons, but I somehow, almost unconsciously, decided to fast for as long as I can, then eat, then I feel like I cannot eat after 6:00 pm. I don't recall ever having any OCD tendancies, I've never had eating issues, but it's almost like I need control or something. Control over something; control over my actions. I don't know. This sounds so crazy. Ha!

Well, besides being batsh*t cray cray, this is day seven. Longest I've gone without booze in over 20 years!

Vona71

Yesterday was the worst day. It was awful. Just awful.

First, I was feeling blue most of the day. Not about any one thing; just down about everything. You know what I mean. Near the end of the day my co-worker, and good friend, poured herself a glass of wine. I wanted to join her so bad, but I didn't.

Then things got ugly. Driving home, well. I didn't want to go home. In fact, I was convincing myself to get a bottle and go to my friends house. I was telling myself that the only reason I have quit drinking is to appease my husband. I started romanticizing my drinking. I don't really have a problem. I even went so far as to convince myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and that if I left my husband, I can do what I want, when I want. This is all his fault. He hates me anyways. I am going to go home first, pack my sh*t and leave. Get a bottle, go to my gf's and get drunk and vent about how done-wrong I am.

Today is day 13.

SoberLeigh

Sounds like you had a very emotional day, Vona; I am sorry.

Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you work through your motions.

Great job on Day 13. Keep on; drinking will only make things worse.

Vona71

Thank you, SL. I have done some CBT. It's hard to remember those things when my AV is lying to me. I can hardly believe how close I came. Today is much, much better.

And of course my husband doesn't hate me. Sheesh. It's very hard for me to believe I was actually thinking all those things.

biminiblue

Early sobriety for me was all about trying to maintain serenity. No. SERENITY.

Spinny brain, I call it. The obsessive thinking is a bad habit and add to that the withdrawal of a drug that has inhibited emotional and cognitive function, and I had the makings of crazy there in the early days. Day nine was my make-it-or-break-it day. I was in tears all day and could not stop. I wanted a drink like I had never wanted a drink.

I made it.

I've continued to make it and my crazy spinny brain is now back to normal. Hang on. It takes time. You're doing great, and Super Congrats on being sober for the longest stint in 20 years. That's a big win.