Carlotta

Maybe you are not an alcoholic or maybe you are but you just have not been beaten down bad enough by alcohol to commit to a life time of abstinence.

One of the keys in early sobriety is to have had this moment of clarity where you know you can never drink safely again and that alcohol is at the root of many of your problems (whether they be consequences like DUIs or mental like deep depression and isolation). This key is pretty much about acceptance.

Another key is to want to be sober more than you want to get loaded.

The third key is to commit to do whatever it takes to remain abstinent.

While we can help you with formulating your plan, with practical tips and with friendship and support we cannot find those three keys for you. You have to find them within yourself.

Dee74

It's not my job to yell at you

Many times I drank again and nothing bad happened. They were the m,ost dangerous times of all for me.

Even if I didn't act on it right away, I'd have this doubt about whether I was really an alcoholic or not. (The 20 years of disaster weren't enough of a hint apparently )

That little kernel of doubt always drove me back to drinking again, because what I really wanted to be, above anything else, was a 'normal drinker' with no bad consequences.

Thats why the most worrying part of your post for me is
that's an intoxicating memory (pun intended).

If your sober life hasn't given you a sense of relief, of freedom and of peace...then, and I hate to say this, but...maybe you haven't been doing it right?

D

PurpleKnight

Learn from it, tweak your plan and get right back committed to Sobriety!!

Fly N Buy

Perhaps therein lays the conflict and "denial"?

We can't take a 100% definitive test for alcoholism that I am aware of - it's for the individual to examine and come to grips with. For myself this took a long time. After some sober time it may get confusing even more.

Once I read this - I'd rather walk around sober thinking I was an alcoholic than drunk all the time thinking I was not.

I suspect more friends die and or live a life of shame, guilt and grief with the knowledge they are only heavy drinkers. The elevator doesn't have to go all the way to the basement - we can get off anytime.

If you haven't been to AA meetings, maybe go to some and listen to others stories. If you believe in prayer, do so during these meetings. You'll find your truth, and hopefully discover what many of us have - serenity and acceptance.

Good for you on posting honestly from your heart. A year is remarkable.........However, as Anna posted - it's sad to get drunk every night of ones holiday. Is that really living happy, joyous and free!?!

MIRecovery

Until I believed that I would never be able to drink normally I continued to drink. For me it wasn't any more complicated than that.

I had to surrender to win

When virtually every indicator said I could not control my drinking long term I gave up the fight and put all my resources in building a wonderful sober life

thomas11

I'm probably in the lower 1/3rd in terms of my knowledge of alcoholism, so take this for what it is worth. I don't view addiction as a black and white subject, some do. Only you know the answers to your questions. It sounds like you planned it, executed your plan, came home and got back to business. To me that sounds fine, but as I said, I don't know much about alcoholism/addiction. I do know that many on this forum would simply not be able to do that. If allowed to drink consequence free for one week, they couldn't stop. Therefore, they can't start. I dunno, just my 2 cents. Many of the comments in this thread regarding your experience have been made towards me as well. And that is we are playing with fire and if we don't get serious, we will get burned. I tend to agree.

silentrun

That very well may be the problem. I had some serious thoughts of using at the one year mark. I was starting to believe that my problem wasn't all that bad. I wanted to quit and I did...see I can do it. I ran across a blog written by a wife of an alcoholic. Turns out that is exactly what happens to a lot of addicts, right and the one year mark, especially for someone who hasn't struggled for years to get clean. We start thinking that we have broken some magic spell and can control our drinking. So, if I am not really an alcoholic how is it I have the exact same though process as other people who are actually alcoholics? Hmmmm I am well over 2 years now and am so glad I came across that blog.

Dee74

Not picking on you Jeff, but I think this an important point to raise, even if it is for the second time here.

I was not fine when I relapsed in what I then called 'a controlled way, and got back to abstinence ...because the part of me that didn't want to be an alcoholic, didn't want give up anything, or change anything about my life got fired up again.

The crazy train was primed and ready to go just waiting for the whistle...maybe not next day or next week, but inevitably I heard that whistle.

Looking back I see it was inevitable I drank again, and inevitable that i would return to my usual behavior with alcohol..

I don't know you SF...you may indeed be fine, but going on what you've shared in the past.,
from april

Honestly, there doesn't seem to have been much movement in your journey, and that doesn't bode well.

The good thing is you have every chance in the world now to get some traction and make some changes

D

OpenTuning

On the plus side, SF, it looks like you figured out the answer to your question. You feel fine about your binge drinking on holiday, because deep down you don't really consider yourself an alcoholic, despite "the mass of evidence" as you put it. We haven't seen that evidence, but given it led you to decide you should quit for a year, then it certainly looks like you do indeed have a problem. And several of us have made the point that if occasional binge drinking remains on the table as an option, you will keep doing it. You'll find other occasions to be the "exception" to your sobriety. And they'll get more frequent. And last longer. And the journey to rock bottom will continue. It's a story written hundreds of times on these forums.

RevivingOphelia

I'm not sure what to make of your holiday binge.

I think what scares me the most is how this could happen. Giving myself permission to drink in a set time period would definitely give me the idea that I don't 'really' have a problem...I don't know. It makes me feel uneasy for sure and worried for you.

However, I do want to ask what were your mornings like after you drank? Did the "anxiety" and "self-loathing," return? What were the physical/psychological hangovers like? Part of what motivated me to stop drinking were the absolute horrors of the mornings. What were the after-effects of your drinking the night before?

Jsbodhi

I'm an alcoholic and I've never once in my life drank for a week straight :/

strategery

Something momentous happened during that time. You gave up over a year of sobriety and are now doubting that you are an alcoholic. This suggests there has been a mental shift from when you wanted to get sober.

melki

Um. This is just beyond scary...

KiKi0615

For me, I had to get in enough pain & have enough consequences to get to a point that the ONLY thing that mattered was getting sober. I wanted out of that hell. If you are not in enough pain, you might not be motivated to change...I know I wouldn't have wanted to. No one ever quits drinking because it's fun. I'm only 16 days sober so the pain of my final days drinking is still very fresh in my mind & I pray I never forget.

The answers are inside of "you". About a year ago I knew I was in trouble with alcohol but I wasn't in enough pain yet so I didn't want to stop. I even told my friends I wasn't an alcoholic & then the next week I would tell them I was & then I would tell them I wasn't...back and forth & back & forth. I think I made them crazy!

They finally said "stop trying to quit! You aren't ready & you're just prolonging the misery. Just freakin drink and if and when you're ever ready to quit then QUIT!"

Sure enough, I kept drinking and about 9 months later I started thinking about ways to kill myself and the consequences started piling up. I was a slave to alcohol & it OWNED me! Those last few months were nothing short of pure hell. I had a moment of clarity one night and I am now determined to stay sober.

Only you know how you feel about your drinking but I wish you the best & a long, happy, healthy life. Xo

KiKi0615

I forgot to mention I didn't drink daily, only a few times a week in the evenings at a pub. I would always deny I had a problem because I never drank daily, never drank before the afternoon....blah blah blah

Arbor

^^Thats the bottom line if your alcoholic. I hope to god your not SF. You haven't drank for two weeks since you've been back and that's great, but it doesn't sound like your commitment to sobriety is there.

^^Really like this Fly.

dwtbd

"If" you are , or not isn't debatable when it comes down to it, because that is something only you (or anyone ) can know or decide for yourself(themselves).
But from an objective standpoint observations can be made, yes?
You planned and looked forward to a week long drinking session, it seems from your posts that the holiday was mostly important to you because of the opportunity it provided as an occasion to drink "freely". How much mental time and energy was expended contemplating the week and how much was focused on knowing you would be drinking?
You stated you enjoy being drunk and that you are not sure what that means going forward.
Just these points are huge flags pointing to a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
Unhealthy relationships with alcohol and continued drinking tend to progress toward alcoholism and active addiction.

AAPJ

What else did you do while on holiday? If all you did was get drunk it seems like a wasted trip. Also did you drink alone or socially with others? I was in my worst place when I was drinking alone.

Someone said in another thread:

Why get drunk on a holiday/vacation? That's the worst time to get drunk. If you are going to get drunk just stay home. In their view it would be better to get drunk on a cloudy Tuesday at home when nothing else was going on.

I don't think they were encouraging drinking just pointing out that the idea of extra drinking on holiday is a bit of a waste.

FreeOwl

Slapping alcoholics in the face doesn't do anything but frustrate and sadden the slapper.

It's your job to make the decision, not ours.

Look back on your own words and your own life and your own experience and ask whether you want more of the same and worse, or a far better life than that.

Then, make the choice. We can't make it for you or slap you into the choice. If you make it, and you want sobriety, we are here to help you support that.

If you're choosing to continue drinking.... we will still be here to support you once your own choices have slapped you around enough that you're ready to change.

fini

But once I had decided the best thing to do on this holiday was drink, .....

pretty sick, huh?
ja, that used to be my "decision" about the best thing to do on a holiday, too.
and so i understand why you didn't tell anyone.
why you didn't want any interference with this best thing to do.
no-one to come between you and alcohol.
and certainly not yourself.
and how making it out to be a reasonable-rationally-arrived-at-decision made it all sooooo okay.
you weighed it all out.


except that you didn't, of course.

I enjoyed letting go of everything, all those emotions kept tightly locked inside despite my best efforts sober.

it's the supposedly tightly locked stuff that drove the bus, looks like.
they can't stay locked in forever.
there IS no such tight lock.
so...what to do when the lock's about to burst?
you can feel it busting open but have no way of "dealing".
ah, but drinking will take care of it.
just the way it always has.

no need to learn new ways. no need to change. stay sober a while, drink to "deal", close that box again, go on for a while...


is it good enough for you?

genuine question. if it's good enough, that's okay. not for anyone else to say it isn't.


all this is pure conjecture on my part about you, of course.
it was my own experience, though i couldn't ever last an entire year in between needing to open the lock.

what's next?