letitgo

Great thread all around. Thank you everyone!!

IfYouCanDream

I don't think this is what normal drinkers experience when they drink.

Hope you stay well xo

SportsFan15

My heart goes out to you, SoberFreckles. You are where I was earlier this year.

Sounds like you're still hoping you can moderate.

I kinda hate this for you cause the best thing that happened to me was when that glimmer of hope of moderation got snuffed out. Cause I didn't really throw my full being and motivation into making an amazing sober life of FREEDOM til that flame burned out.

It always bugged me....the dang question of whether or not I meet "criteria" for being an alcoholic.

Then it dawned on me.

I'm thinking about this way too much.

Obsessing.

"Normal" drinkers don't think about it. In fact many will say they can take it or leave it (alcohol).

Spiritually speaking, my personal opinion is that anything potentionally unhealthy that we think about TOO much in our lives needs to go.

It's called onsession. And it feels so good to finally feel FREEDOM!

SportsFan15

*obsession

SoberFreckles

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. So much for me to think about. I used to think that having some of the greatest mental compartmentalising skills on earth were what enabled me to keep on going when things get tough, but they are starting to do more harm than good.

SoberFreckles

There is definitely a part of me that wishes that I had suffered. In the past, I did get some pretty bad hangovers, drinking until I was sick, but on holiday, nothing.
I think I am here because I can sense the danger, despite all my powers of denial. That this 'innocent' week could end up being an appetiser for something far worse 6 months down the line if I don't wake myself up from this daze.

OpenTuning

Hi SF,

Thinking about this some more, given you posted on here in July telling us about your plan to drink on holiday, it seems what you've been doing for at least the last 4 months, possibly even from the beginning, has been to take a break from drinking. You didn't relapse, you didn't stumble on your road to recovery, because it doesn't sound like you ever made a commitment to stop. You made a commitment to take a break.

There's nothing necessarily wrong with that. Any time off from drinking is good for you on so many levels. But it really does feel that before we can help you further, you need to make a decision about what your goals are. Every one of us will recommend that you make sobriety a permanent decision. Because we all have problems with alcohol, and can see many of our own symptoms in what you've written.

But it's your life, and you're the one who needs to decide. I really, really urge that you think hard about what made you decide to take that break in the first place. What was alcohol doing to you? Why do you tell people you're an alcoholic? You must have had good reasons for that. You're not the only person on here still wrestling with the question of whether you truly have a problem, even when it seems obvious to everyone else. I personally go by the definition that if you're asking the question, you already know the answer. Whatever you decide, though, and however long it takes to get your head around this, we'll be here and try to help. I don't want you to feel you need to go away until you've figured it out, or even worse decide to keep drinking until you do. But knowing what you want to achieve certainly feels like the clear next step towards actually achieving it.

RedAndy

Hi SF,

So much to take from this thread - great reading and plenty to digest - helping to make things so much clearer - fully agree re the innocent week and what's potentially down the line through accepting you can do things in moderation.

One question - how did the people you were on holiday with accept your return to drinking after a year without / were they surprised or upset with you at all or no problem for them ?

I'm still in the early stages but know "that point" in my life came where I made the decision I cannot / will not drink again on a flight home from Dubai just under 3 weeks ago and going to do everything possible to work at this today / tomorrow and always.

I've stopped in the past knowing I'm going to return but never accepting any problem with drink (some acceptance with drugs but inevitably always returned to them also) - this time I really have reached the point and know there is no way I can return despite any temptation that may arise down the line - that low point is something I will only ever keep returning too and that is far to dangerous to contemplate risking everything for another drink that leads to another and the drugs and consequences that will inevitably come with going down that path.

Previous times of abstinence ( upto a couple of months a number of times and certainly nothing like a year that you have done but interesting to read from others that this is also a point where people do question themselves) have been met with a few drinks here and there but then returning to the completely out of control stages where everything is back full on, more recently a full 8 day hell for leather binge that really has changed my life - at first I thought for the worse and how much it could have cost me (it has financially but ultimately could have been so much worse - family / job / sanity to name a few) but with each day that passes I'm looking at it more as what has actually saved me and given me the wake up call I've needed for so long.

Anyway back to the thread - I read with interest initially at how you had done the holiday and then stopped again (my AV shouting loud at me there !!) but quickly realised this path would be doomed to failure - somebody the other day likened it to a snowball rolling down hill gathering size and pace and I think that is so apt for the description of how it would take control again if let go and allowed to succumb to temptation and that moderation can be accepted - it may seem good and controlled but inevitably the old ways will return somewhere down the line until out of control again.

Reason for the interest in the topic was that we already have our family holiday booked and paid for in August 2016 - 1 week in Abu Dhabi and then 1 week at the same hotel where I finally went completely off the rails after the 8 day binge 3 weeks ago (assuming I'm still welcome there next year - a place we have been to for our holidays as a family the last 2 years also), both hotels are AI and the days are normally filled with drink, drink, food and more drink - a group of friends also going and some already aware of the situation I am now in and where I'm at, others not so as yet.

Not fair to expect that my wife and daughter and our friends miss out due to me so will be going although it's already something on my mind but something I will deal with and enjoy without a drink, plenty of stuff there to enjoy and plenty of fun to have with my wife & daughter too, instead of Dad always at the bar (quite sad really on reflection - they always knew where to find me !!) - already feel I am reconnecting with my wife altho the heeling will take a long time on her behalf for my foolish actions - she always wants my company on holidays but I'm to pre-occupied with the next drink and trying to impress complete strangers ??!! to spend quality time together - that's something that will definitely be changing.

Plenty of great food at both hotels, sunshine (altho damned hot) / great watersports - a fantastic gym (I go each year with my gym gear with the best of intentions but one year apart in Mexico where the weather was awful I never see the gym as its easier to work off feeling rough with another drink) - pools galore - ice cream / great mocktails and shakes and the best sparkling water and lime ever.

Nonsensical

I was on vacation in Las Vegas and I won $50. It was great.

I mortgaged my house and my wife's jewelry to raise the $700,000 I needed to put down for the bet. If I had lost I wouldn't have a home or my family. But I had it under control the whole time. I knew I was going to win.

And I did. I won. Nothing momentous happened.

Surely this can't be a problem.


Whenever I want a completely ass-backwards risk-reward assessment I just ask my AV. It never lets me down.

sobriiestote

Very, very interesting thread, Sober Freckles...

I'm really interested how this pans out for you, I'm kind of surprised / shocked / saddened that after a year it was so easy to drink again but I know myself how after a while sober, I just want to unwind, switch off, relax...

I know alcohol is a very lazy way of switching off but unless we all get into meditation is there really anything else out there that helps you "zone out"?

Take care : )

OpenTuning

Listening to music? Playing music? Going for long walks in the country? Going to the gym and working out? Playing games with your kids? Reading a good book? Cooking a fancy meal? Watching DVD box sets of great series? Going to a movie? Give me a day or two and I could probably come up with a hundred or so other ways to relax and "zone out" that don't risk destroying my family, work, friendships self esteem and health.

SoberFreckles

I am so glad I posted. I was going to just carry on 'not drinking' and put the holiday in my rear view mirror, but it niggled at me, even through the layers of denial. I knew I had to talk about it, think about it, what it really meant, not what I wanted it to mean.

I am able to switch the drinking on and off I guess because I am quite stubborn. I was a vegetarian for 20 years mainly just to prove people wrong, even though I love a juicy steak! I decide to stop drinking because it's destroying me, so I stop. I plan to drink on holiday, so I do. I plan to stop again once the plane takes off, and I do. One day, stubborn won't be enough, and I need to work on this now, whilst I can.
Thanks for all the help and support.

ScottFromWI

That is a very wise statement SF. You don't need to "prove" anything...doing what is best for you and your health is good enough.

joey8262

it's not stubborn-you know your boundaries. . . . .as others have said-a great read.

I'd LOVE to be able to attend a function without getting bladdered-I can't. . . . .so I stay away-and limit my career options through lack of "hob-nobbing".

keeppushing

SF,

I agree with IYCD. I only managed to stop drinking every single day once I learned to stopped emotional numbing and instead did helpful things (meditation, exercise, massage, therapist) to let go.

KP

keeppushing

RedAndy,

Maybe you can stay at one of the many dry hotels in Abu Dhabi and Dubai. You may be able to survive Abu Dhabi in a wet hotel, but Dubai is built on booze. I have never seen so many all you can drink places. You can visit the hotel where your friends are or do something else. Just an idea.

Wish you well.

KP

LiveInPeace

Great post, tomsteve. I'd be grateful if you would elaborate on how you learned to allow yourself to have emotions and feelings. I'm struggling with this. Maybe others here are too?

ubntubnt

nice thread SF, its relevant to where I am now.

I quit this time last year for my first time in 27 years and lasted 11 weeks. I returned to drinking because I felt that I would be able to moderate. I too am an immensely stubborn person and thought that through willpower I had learned enough to be able to moderate.

I stacked all the evidence up on one side including everything I had read on this site, the promises to my wife, my experiences at AA, all the carnage that I had been through in my life. One the other side was my AV niggling away telling me that I could handle it. Totally irrational of course....but isn't that the nature of addiction?

I was drinking again until 3 days ago. Most of that time was somewhat controllable. Getting drunk approx one per week, days off each week. Plenty of times having a couple of beers and stopping. But you can see where this road leads, right?

Last weekend, I went on a 2 day all out bender and spent most of it in a blackout. I didn't make it home for two nights to my wife and 4 year old son. I missed two days off work. I hadn't experienced the anxiety attacks in a while but they were back the following day. The horrible dread and sense of a lack of control. I immediately knew what was happening and quit. This time for good.

You know, it took a while...9 months to be precise, to get right back to where I had been but the destination was never really in doubt. There is absolutely no question that I am an alcoholic and will never be able to moderate safely.

I would guess that from your drinking to get drunk every day on holidays and basking in the glow of annihilation that you are too. And if that is the case you know where that road leads also.

I don't think your situation is all that confusing at all. The question I have is this....it took me 9 months to dive back into that hellhole, how long will it take you if you don't stay sober?

SoberFreckles

'Basking in the glow of annihilation' sums it up so perfectly, Ub, and thank you for sharing your experience.
I think deep down, I am really afraid of going completely off the rails, but have managed to detach myself, and almost mask it in bravado, but I couldn't start seeing that until I posted here.

RedAndy

Thanks for that Ub, It's posts like this that definitely help make it clear in the mind that there can be no room for complacency and the thought of moderation. As you say its maybe not now but you know the inevitable will happen somewhere down the road - a chance I myself cannot take again and the very reason for where I am now at - keep telling myself anytime I think of how good a beer is to think of one of the many states I've been in and the problems its caused - there is no more chances for me either - came close to losing everything - I go again and its gone - for good.