helpimalive

Twice now in sixty-five days I have accumulated a handful of weeks sober, felt like a different person, and proceeded to drink again while genuinely believing “I can handle it this time.”

I had 35 days, then, drank three times in five days; then I was sober for 21 more days, and drank again, for three nights straight, through last night. Today is Day 1 again, and I'm so over this back and forth.

Sixty-five days ago when I started this genuine, concerted attempt to become a real human being instead of getting wasted all the time, I carefully constructed a plan for my sobriety and have been varying degrees of consistent about following that plan.

After the first time I drank again, I decided I just needed to be more consistent in following my plan, so I didn't make any serious revisions or additions to it.

Now, though, I'm pretty sure that something isn't working. I need to do something different.

But I have no idea what to add to my plan, or what to change. I don't know what I can do differently that's actually going to make a difference. Sure, I can come up with more stuff to include in my plan, and I DO need to be more consistent about doing the things on my plan. That's all given.

But is it enough? What else is there?

I already:
--read on SR quite a lot
--I've taken up exercise and healthy eating
--do journaling
--I've read and do my best to use AVRT
--I've read about and use urge surfing
--I've developed a socializing routine with my sister, who I live with, in the evenings
--I've begun to consistently take care of the logistics of my life (you know, like a normal adult does)--things like taxes, paying bills on time, keeping my things clean and neat, registering my vehicle with the state, flossing my teeth, taking my vitamins … I didn't used to do any of that.

I don't really know what else I can DO, since AA doesn't work for me, and there are no other meetings near me. So there's nothing I can do that involves other sober people.

What can I add to my plan that's going to help me deal with the fact that I can't seem to get it through my head that I'm never going to be able to drink and control and enjoy it?

What can I do to guard against my own thoughts along those lines?

I know they say the key to quitting is “acceptance” that one is an alcoholic and one can't drink normally, ever. I do not consistently have acceptance. I have it now, I have it every day before say 3 p.m. But I lose it when my mind wants a drink and starts coming up with reasons it's okay to have one. Yet I want to quit. How do you quit, and stay quit, in spite of a lack of acceptance?

Any ideas and advice would be appreciated … :/

Also, I'd like anyone's thoughts on the following. It's the stuff I DO know I can add to my plan. I don't think it's enough, but it's all I can think of.

I'm going to add the following, to be done a few times a week each:
--writing/thinking projects I assign myself related to sobriety
--mandatory amounts of weekly reading self-help books and sobriety-related literature of various kinds
--I'm going to add a daily quota for time spent on SR, and a daily minimum number of genuine, thoughtful posts to SR
--I'm going to work a few times a week on a project I've set up for myself but never actually started that has to do with trying to make peace with my past
--I'm going to force myself to stop procrastinating on the real-life stuff I've been putting off (like deciding what I'm going to do with my life) by telling myself I'll “do it when I've been sober longer,” since I think not working on it produces a lack of self respect that is counterproductive to staying sober; I think it will be more possible for me to face down my “I think I can drink” feelings if I have a sense of self respect
--I'm going to start a focused, concerted attempt to construct SOME kind of social life for myself, since right now I have literally zero friends and acquaintances; I don't even need to enjoy it, I've realized, I just need to do it—studies show there are serious health benefits to socializing, so I just have to do it somehow
--I'm going to institute a daily word-minimum for my fiction writing project
--I'm going to force myself onto a real human sleep schedule, even though I'm naturally nocturnal, because if I ever want to rejoin the real world, I can't continue to sleep from 5 a.m. To the next afternoon

--And I'm going to post my progress on all these things to a personal thread for myself (maybe I'll just keep this one) every day, to give myself a sense of accountability, but accountability for all of this, not just simply not-drinking; I need to DO all this stuff if I want to stay sober in the long run, I think maybe

Hopefully I can get into a routine with that stuff, so that it doesn't end up requiring too too much will power to be consistent about it.

JD

You need acceptance. Acceptance of the fact you don't drink. Until you get that you'll always think this time may be different. And maybe I can moderate. Many of us have been there. And it's never worked.

biminiblue

You forgot the most important one:

#1.) Don't pick up a drink no matter what.

That's really the only thing I focused on in early days. All the "routines" and stuff? Just fluff. Helpful fluff, but fluff. Keep it simple. Go to bed sober. Do it again tomorrow. Ta Da.

Gratitude lists helped, too. Prayer.

I don't overwhelm myself with to-do lists. They just give me more ways to beat myself up if I don't do everything perfectly.

helpimalive

Right, yes, I understand that I need acceptance. I just don't have it sometimes. But I don't want to be drunk all the time, either. So what do I do?

If acceptance was at the top of a mountain I would learn to climb a mountain, and go get it. But sadly, "acceptance" is not something you can actually work toward or cultivate ... Right? Maybe I'm wrong. If you have any advice on how to do that I'd love to hear it :/

TryingInTexas

What made a huge difference for me on exercise was having a target - a race or a contest or something - that gives you focus and lets your mind have something else to dwell on

FreeOwl

what stood out for me as I read your words was;

It seems to me you might be over-thinking this.... for me, keeping it pretty simple helped.

I didn't see "CHOOSE" in your plan.

I saw you say "AA doesn't work for me".... but I didn't see that you'd actually tried it. You say there's not AA near you - but you live in TX.... there's lots of AA in TX. I wonder if you're really willing to do whatever it takes, and if you might not be willing to give AA the chance to bring you something.... have you read the Big Book? You can do that from anywhere. Free. It's online. It helped me.

I wonder what might happen if you started every day with a strong, resolute CHOICE of living your life for all it is worth.

If you were to recognize, accept and embrace - every day - that alcohol isn't consistent with that choice.

If you made every day and every choice just as simple as that... "is what I'm about to do consistent with living my life for all it is worth"?

If perhaps you got a counselor and focused on self improvement - not 'drinking' or 'not drinking' - but really getting to know and healing yourself.

Sometimes when elaborate plans aren't working - it's time to simplify.

BixBees505

Or decide it doesn't matter about the precise definition of your condition. But that the risk is too great to keep testing yourself. In other words...make the rational decision to be a non drinker, because of the likelihood that it is the only safe route forward. This is what I have had to do, myself.

This is no different from the acceptance JD and you are talking about. Based on your description of yourself, you are like a diagnosed pre-diabetic wanting to calculate exactly how many more candy bars you can have before it is too late, because you wouldn't want any candy bars to get away before full insulin-dependence sets in. Maybe it will develop to full diabetes, maybe it won't. Who can say? So bring in the next round of Cinnabons and you'll recalculate how "close" you are to diabetes after you eat them.

Instead, you can accept that the risk of the next drink is too great so you become, by choice, a non-drinker.

Frank14

I think you're asking the wrong question. You really need to ask those here on SR how can you gain acceptance with the fact that you can never drink again. However, I'm not sure what the answer is. For me, I look back at my history, and I've pretty much proven that I can no longer be a normal drinker. It sounds like you've got enough hands-on experience that you should be able to convince yourself.

When you think of taking that drink, just realize you're agreeing to get back on the daily drinking tour. You aren't going to drink just the one day. Really let it sink in. This is enough to stop me from drinking.

sorrysoul

Acceptance is something I am struggling with as well, I wish I had some answers or suggestions but I don't. I wish you the best and hope you can find some peace.

BixBees505

When I think I can drink again "normally" two things help me...
A. if I can, in that moment, do something physical--it just breaks the mood/thought train and gives me my better self back
B. I pull up SR and just start reading, next thread, next thread, next thread...because it was here that I found so many people who really did drink as I did, and many who stopped in a similar location on the continuum, or even earlier in the continuum. I always thought "wonder where I'd be now if I had stopped when they did instead of playing around with it for x more months, x more years"

doggonecarl

Next time you get that insane thought in your head, post to SR. Before you drink, not after.

ScottFromWI

I would argue that the ONLY way to achieve acceptance is to work toward or cultivate it. It's not just going to "happen".

For some it comes through trial and error. Some achieve it with the help of a formal group or plan ( accepting powerlessness in AA for example ). Some cultivate it by spending daily time helping others and reading/speaking with others who also seek it.

The bottom line for me though was that i accepted unconditinally that picking up 1 drink was never an option for me. I accepted that there is no way I can control my drinking once I start, and that the only solution that will ever work will be to not pick up a drink in the first place.

entropy1964

What can I add to my plan that's going to help me deal with the fact that I can't seem to get it through my head that I'm never going to be able to drink and control and enjoy it?

It is really normal to look at recovery as a list of actions and new behaviors. And it is, partly. We get and give advice all the time to the newcomer "exercise" "go to AA" "read SR" "eat sugar" "volunteer". All external things whose main purpose is to distract the newly sober. And of course, they are all good things (maybe not the sugar) , that build good habits and reinforce new healthy behaviors.

I know I drink because I have an existential emptiness inside me that I have a very hard time filling. No amount of external things, people, behaviors and activities will fill that void completely. In early sobriety I have to face that this emptiness will be there, no matter how long my to do list is. I must not drink. I must face the void and figure out what is driving it. For me its a deep sense of self hatred....for lack of a better way of putting it. The only way to build a new me is to stay sober, no matter what, behave and think in a way that supports self love and good values. It takes time. Period. If I drink, I send myself right back to the starting gate.

I believe you know you can't drink normally. I believe your statement above is a shield in front of the fact that you simply WANT to drink still. But you know when you do what will happen and you do it anyway. Me too. And probably many many many other alcoholics. The crux of the problem. I believe you have to face the void sober, look in and don't be afraid. You're going to be fine...just don't drink, no matter what.

daz135

Acceptance for me was a big one. I kept waiting for a big bad event to happen to convince me, push me over the edge so I could finally see / say yes I definitely have a drinking problem and must stop. I put a similar post to yours up and it was pointed out to me that my mental obsession with drinking was indeed my biggest problem. I was in big trouble already. It was taking hours of my time away each day. From that point it I could see just how truly miserable I am /was inside. I'd been like that for so long I just got used to it. That's what finally broke through that last desire to drink. Deep down I never really wanted to stop. I believe if you are like that all you have is willpower which will only last so long. I always failed without this acceptance. It's definitely a hard road. I wouldn't write off aa either. I eventually went through desperation. I've only gone to a few meetings but it's the only place I've been where people get your situation. If you know heaps of people like I do and realize you in fact are incredibly isolated /lonely id go there. All the best

JD

I think acceptance comes differently for everybody. And I think it takes trial and error in sobriety before you find it. It's the "bottom" you often hear about. I think that bottom can be high or low depending on the person.

For me, I self medicated to numb out depression and feelings of worthlessness. Unfortunately numbing out did not make the issues go away, it just perpetuated the drinking. I finally realized in my heart that drinking was not going to make my life better. Yeah, life still has crappy moments but without alcohol I can now enjoy the good parts. Alcohol is good at numbing out feelings but it's not selective and numbs out the good ones too.

So for me, when I get the thought of drinking I ask myself if drinking is going to make my life better? The answer is always, no.

helpimalive

A "choice," daily, that's a good idea. Like an affirmation? I could write it down, laminate, and read it out loud every morning after I do my makeup. That's a good idea. I should already be doing that. It's one of the things suggested in the Lifering workbook, and I meant to do it, I just hadn't yet. Thank you!

Also, I should have mentioned that I am actively in the process of searching for the right type/s of counseling and the right counselor/s, but of course that's a process.

(Re: AA--I have tried AA, and I have read the Big Book, more than once. It just didn't work any better or worse than anything else I've tried, so far. I definitely liked the social support, and I figure that could really help me, and I've toyed with the idea of trying to go to meetings consistently and try to make friends in AA despite not "working the program" or believing in AA and stuff, but I'm afraid I'd offend people, like I'm using them or something :/ IDK.

And to clarify, just for the sake of clarifying, I didn't say there are no AA meetings near me. There are plenty of AA meetings near me. I was saying there are no in-person meetings near me OTHER than AA.)

helpimalive

Haha, Bixbees, no: I'm actually the diagnosed full-blown diabetic who keeps thinking, "I've been eating healthy for so long, I'm probably cured now. Let's eat this cake and find out."

... I hope that's not offensive to diabetics to say XD

I do like that logic you articulated, though. I've thought along those lines before, and you state it well. It's hard to remember it, though, when the thoughts come. Maybe having this thread on hand will help :/

helpimalive

Yeah? If it is something you can cultivate, that is really great news for me, because that's what I need to do.

You said, "Some cultivate it by spending daily time helping others and reading/speaking with others who also seek it."

But can I ask: How does point A lead to point B? How does helping, reading, and speaking lead to acceptance of alcoholism? This is not a flippant question, it's a genuine question, so that I can bear the mechanism in mind in order to facilitate it.

Also, outside of AA and other in-person meetings, are there ways that you (or anyone reading this thread) know of to "help others"? Like I said, there are no in-person meetings or anything near me, except for AA.

FreeOwl

Because there is nothing as powerful for maintaining sobriety as being regularly exposed to those who still suffer.

Because being a part of someone else's journey to recovery is rewarding in ways I cannot describe to you - it can only be experienced.

Because being seen and understood is essential to acceptance.



You want a plan? AA is a plan.

You say it doesn't "work" for you.... but have you followed it?

FreeOwl

Sorry... just read your earlier reply to me...

Personally, I think it's a little early to say "AA doesn't work for me" when you haven't actually done it.

AA isn't just meetings.... it's a program of action that does work. You don't have to accept all of it... you don't have to be a rigid conformist to all of it... you can take what works.

You are here saying "I need a plan" - because your plans aren't working. AA is in your area. You say you need help. Help is there.

If you give AA an honest, earnest try....

If you go through the steps, and give them your true effort....

THEN you've got a basis for saying it doesn't work for you.

I only say this because I said the same thing, in the same way you are, without working the steps or truly giving it a shot, many years ago.

Then I suffered and struggled for many more years.

Then I went back to AA and once again, gave it only half an effort at best.

Then I relapsed again and tried my own plans......

Until finally, in earnest, I gave it a real chance.

Now I'm almost two years sober.

I am not an AA convert. I'm no preacher. I'm not Christian. I'm not even always certain about what I really feel a higher power is.

AA didn't get me sober - but it is a core tool of my sobriety. When I finally gave it an honest, earnest space in my recovery.... it worked.