Really Tough Weekend
I had a really tough weekend this weekend. My parents were in town visiting, and I'm used to drinking with them, especially my dad. In fact, I've drunk wine and beer with them my entire adult life (and I'm almost 47 so that's a long time!). It was really stressful being with them without drinking for some reason. They didn't bring wine to my house, so it wasn't that they were drinking in front of me, it was just having them visit without drinking.
In the last couple weeks, I've been having a lot of trouble breathing; I can't seem to get a nice, deep breath, and I feel like a have a tight band constricting my rib cage all the time. I know this is anxiety (and not something like a heart problem), as I had it a lot when I had cancer and when my husband was in Iraq. I haven't had it in a long time, but not drinking has really made it bad.
Saturday, as I was sitting at my son's percussion contest, it was the worst it's ever been. I simply couldn't get a good breath, and as it got worse and worse, all I could think about was that wine would make it better and help me relax. I could not get the thought of wine out of my head. If I had been alone without my family, I know 100% I would have drunk Saturday night. Getting through the night without drinking, even with my family there, was absolutely one of the most miserable times I've had in my recent memory.
Now I'm concerned for next weekend when my husband is away. It's my birthday on Saturday, and I'm afraid I'm going to use that as an excuse to drink and reduce this horrible breathing thing. Ugh...