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Old 11-09-2015, 04:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Day 70 Thoughts


It's all perspective. Seventy days seems like a lifetime to some or a tiny drop in the bucket to others. For me right now it feels like very little time. The more time I bank the less time it feels like.

I've learned a lot. I haven't progressed a lot.

I'm not sure if all alcoholics have deeper issues, I'm sure everyone has their own theory. I know I do. I know I can find a new drug to abuse easily enough. I know I've vented my addictive nature in tons of different directions. And no that doesn't give me an excuse to pick up the bottle.

My point is mainly that living life without alcohol is fairly easy day to day. But the me underneath the alcohol still has all sorts of **** going on. And fair enough, that's okay. That is human and normal.

I guess I haven't been around much because I've been struggling with Kinzoku not with alcohol. But I figure a huge part of alcoholism support networks is a bunch of broken people reaching out, right? I mean it isn't 100% about alcohol, we choose abstinence from alcohol, but alcohol isn't magic, something in US makes us abuse it. So we shouldn't touch it. But just not touching it isn't enough.

But enough on that.

What I really wanted to unpack was a disturbing event that happened this weekend. I went out with an old friend for what was supposed to be a sober getaway. Instead I watched him drink, hell, no way to convert strange asian liquor into american measurements but lets just say a damn lot. I was jealous of the first beer and few shots, then as he swayed and hit the dark side I just wanted to go home and sleep. It was lame. Somehow I felt like I failed just be being around him. I felt like I failed by not stopping him. Then another part of me told myself its not my responsibility and I did everything right. I was a good friend, I didn't preach, and I stayed sober. I planned a fun weekend, and it was fun until he hit the bottle.

Was the situation a dangerous one for me? Is that what irks me? Do i feel guilty? Is there a secret part of me that misses it? I dunno.

I just feel weird and sick on a monday night. Its a strange world. I still love my friend, I'm still working on loving me. I hope you are all doing as best as you can.

-Kin
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Old 11-09-2015, 04:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Thanks for sharing this.

For me, just not touching alcohol is good enough right now. I'll work on other things in good time when I'm ready. No rush.
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Old 11-09-2015, 06:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
What's the world coming to when you can't trust an recovering alcoholic ex degenerate gambler huh ?
 
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Congrats on 70 days keep up the good work
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Old 11-09-2015, 06:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I know I felt quite a bit of grief in having to limit or end my time spent with some people. They seemed like fun when I was drinking. Once I stopped, they seemed sad and I didn't want to be around them when they drank - which as it turns out was most of the time.

I don't think I'll ever stop thinking that I could do a better job at life, but it seems pretty normal to feel that way - I think it's very common.
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I think you should be proud of your achievement Kin

75 days is awesome - but although it may seem like a lifetime but in another way, it's not that long at all for life changes to occur. Progression will come

As far as your friend goes...I was a self appointed sobriety cop for a while. It got wearying and it ticked my friends off no end.

As long as your friend was in no danger, there was nothing for you to do, IMO.

Adults have the freedom to make bad decisions, and they need to take responsibility for those decisions...it's not your bag to carry

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Old 11-09-2015, 02:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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70 Days is fantastic!!
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