Upwards sobriety thread
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by Upwardspiral 
Still on the sober wagon, today made 110. I've been dealing with the typical ups and downs associated with operating a small business, not having much income, minor health issues, etc.
I haven't encountered anything that really made me want to drink. I have thoughts of drinking more than I did in the beginning, but they are very detached, there is no desire associated with them. I don't miss that hellish life.
I had cause to tell a couple of people who have known me for a while that I no longer drink. It was liberating.
I have been in a number of situations now where other people were drinking alcohol, and it was alright. I have to be more mindful now of when I need to leave, and that's fine. I'm enjoying learning how to take better care of myself and not be so concerned about pleasing others or being "cool".
I'm still making AA meetings every day and working with my sponsor. Trying my best to do everything people suggest I do. Still discovering my higher power, but I feel safe that I'm not by myself anymore.
Sobriety is awesome. I feel like I've been saved from being buried alive.
I haven't encountered anything that really made me want to drink. I have thoughts of drinking more than I did in the beginning, but they are very detached, there is no desire associated with them. I don't miss that hellish life.
I had cause to tell a couple of people who have known me for a while that I no longer drink. It was liberating.
I have been in a number of situations now where other people were drinking alcohol, and it was alright. I have to be more mindful now of when I need to leave, and that's fine. I'm enjoying learning how to take better care of myself and not be so concerned about pleasing others or being "cool".
I'm still making AA meetings every day and working with my sponsor. Trying my best to do everything people suggest I do. Still discovering my higher power, but I feel safe that I'm not by myself anymore.
Sobriety is awesome. I feel like I've been saved from being buried alive.
Delfin
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 268
Upwardspiral, thank you for your thread. I am on day 27 and your posts give me hope that I can reach my goals as long as I do what works for me and stay in touch with myself and my improvement. I commend you on your success!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
5 months sober.
This seemed impossible back in July. I know I have a long way to go, I'm battling demons for sure. The difference is clear when I'm journaling now, though. I'm no longer chasing the same dilemmas around in a helpless circle. I am gradually unearthing resentments, obsessions and biases and finding out how I am responsible for the suffering they cause me. It's the AA way, it's the spiritual way.
I have my squirrelly days, my stubborn days. I get really irritated at people for stupid stuff, just like I always have. Now though, I can work through it, see how to let people do their thing while I do my thing, and get a little bit of peace. Somedays I want to eat all the snacks and drink all the coffee and I don't feel okay in my own skin, I don't want to see anybody, I don't want to do simple things I need to do. But I can pull myself through those periods without wanting to give up on the whole thing. I don't feel like a failure because I know it's a journey of progress, and there will never be perfection in my behavior.
I am okay with a lot of stuff that was eating me alive a few months ago: my work and finances, my love life, my body. I'm working to get those things to someplace better, but I'm okay on the journey.
I thank God at random moments in the day when I realize what a gift it is that I'm sober in that moment, that I'm not hungover in that moment, that I can think clearly, that I'm not longing for a drink or feeling like I'm missing out or losing friends. My life is begun anew. I am so thankful, and so excited about what is to come.
This seemed impossible back in July. I know I have a long way to go, I'm battling demons for sure. The difference is clear when I'm journaling now, though. I'm no longer chasing the same dilemmas around in a helpless circle. I am gradually unearthing resentments, obsessions and biases and finding out how I am responsible for the suffering they cause me. It's the AA way, it's the spiritual way.
I have my squirrelly days, my stubborn days. I get really irritated at people for stupid stuff, just like I always have. Now though, I can work through it, see how to let people do their thing while I do my thing, and get a little bit of peace. Somedays I want to eat all the snacks and drink all the coffee and I don't feel okay in my own skin, I don't want to see anybody, I don't want to do simple things I need to do. But I can pull myself through those periods without wanting to give up on the whole thing. I don't feel like a failure because I know it's a journey of progress, and there will never be perfection in my behavior.
I am okay with a lot of stuff that was eating me alive a few months ago: my work and finances, my love life, my body. I'm working to get those things to someplace better, but I'm okay on the journey.
I thank God at random moments in the day when I realize what a gift it is that I'm sober in that moment, that I'm not hungover in that moment, that I can think clearly, that I'm not longing for a drink or feeling like I'm missing out or losing friends. My life is begun anew. I am so thankful, and so excited about what is to come.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
I have to admit I had some moments of loneliness on Christmas day that made me pine for my old favorite beer. I was driving my boss's pickup around town running errands Christmas Eve, and I suddenly became aware of the compulsion I felt to stop more places just to buy more things. One thing that crossed my mind is that stores would be closed tomorrow and I had a flicker of anxiety about not being able to get a big bottle of my favorite beer, in case I decided I deserved it. I had a ridiculous vision of drinking it next to a fireplace. GEEZUS!
I definitely romanticized the warmth and comfort I associated with the image of that brown bottle and green label. But, I was able to snap out of it pretty quickly, and realize that it is the IMAGE only that holds that warmth. I think packages of American Spirit rolling tobacco are pretty too, but smoking those things now makes me wretch.
I had an awesome Christmas day. It was pretty selfish, yeah. I didn't go back to NC to visit family. I stayed in town and took care of myself all day. Got up at dawn and watched the sun come up at the 24 hour laundromat while I washed clothes and drank coffee. I went to the gym and lifted weights.
I went to a sparsely attended AA meeting and had some laughs. I worked on my bicycle and then took it for a beautiful ride out in the country. It was a pretty lonesome day and that's mostly who I am, a loner.
I did feel an ache in my heart a few times throughout the day when I realized how much I've hobbled myself from having intimate relationships. I'm still terribly afraid of letting people into my life, of relying on people or being accountable to them.
I'm going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other with this, as the other deficiencies in my life. As the loneliness gets more painful I do find it easier to come out of my shell at AA meetings, my safest haven these days. I'm even planning to attend a sober New Year's Eve dance and will volunteer to help clean up. I feel like I'm starting all over with people, as if I just landed on this planet and am figuring out how to go with the flow.
I'm glad I have this space to get these things out of my head, to get some kind of human acknowledgement of it. I share about it in meetings and try to talk my (hard to reach) sponsor about it, but it flows out so easily in this medium.
Thanks for being there, SR and the folks who populate it
I definitely romanticized the warmth and comfort I associated with the image of that brown bottle and green label. But, I was able to snap out of it pretty quickly, and realize that it is the IMAGE only that holds that warmth. I think packages of American Spirit rolling tobacco are pretty too, but smoking those things now makes me wretch.
I had an awesome Christmas day. It was pretty selfish, yeah. I didn't go back to NC to visit family. I stayed in town and took care of myself all day. Got up at dawn and watched the sun come up at the 24 hour laundromat while I washed clothes and drank coffee. I went to the gym and lifted weights.
I went to a sparsely attended AA meeting and had some laughs. I worked on my bicycle and then took it for a beautiful ride out in the country. It was a pretty lonesome day and that's mostly who I am, a loner.
I did feel an ache in my heart a few times throughout the day when I realized how much I've hobbled myself from having intimate relationships. I'm still terribly afraid of letting people into my life, of relying on people or being accountable to them.
I'm going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other with this, as the other deficiencies in my life. As the loneliness gets more painful I do find it easier to come out of my shell at AA meetings, my safest haven these days. I'm even planning to attend a sober New Year's Eve dance and will volunteer to help clean up. I feel like I'm starting all over with people, as if I just landed on this planet and am figuring out how to go with the flow.
I'm glad I have this space to get these things out of my head, to get some kind of human acknowledgement of it. I share about it in meetings and try to talk my (hard to reach) sponsor about it, but it flows out so easily in this medium.
Thanks for being there, SR and the folks who populate it
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
My soberversary is one day after yours, Upwards, and it's been so nice to see you back here every month doing this. Awesome! I too feel the weight of all the issues I need to work out, but my hope is that I have a good chance of doing it now that I'm sober.
Delfin
Delfin
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
6 months sober yesterday. To be honest I didn't feel strongly inclined to reflect on it here. I've been quite busy lately and have fallen into a routine that carries me along at a mindblowing pace right now. I work 45 hours or so a week between my two jobs, go to 4-5 AA meetings per week, spend about 6 to 8 hours in the gym each week, cook and clean and manage my little single home life, and that seems to just about fill it up.
I love it. I am getting a little restless, a little stir crazy, I get lonely and sad and angry and all that. I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of rebuilding my life, or rather just finally building the life I've been hiding from for so long. Trying to catch up on my finances, my few friendships, my health. Trying to discover what I'm really into, what's really important to me. Trying to discover my values, my moral compass, my personality.
I really didn't believe in this journey when I began. I'd had plenty of false starts and I just knew I needed to stop hurting by quitting drinking or blowing my brains out, and some glimmer of a higher power had been telling me all along that I have a purpose to serve in this world, and the shame of suicide was unacceptable. I would have just returned to this misery in some other form.
So I chose the difficult path of trudging through the muck of my illness to figure out why I'm here. One long and short day at a time. That's what I'm doing now; trudging through the muck. It's wonderful, it's scary. It's so worth the hard times, the sacrifices and self discipline and humility.
I don't ever want to go back to that hell. I can't go back. No matter how hard this gets, at least it is new, it is growth. I've been there-done that and it goes nowhere.
Please don't give up. Me, you, if you're reading this. We can do this.
I love it. I am getting a little restless, a little stir crazy, I get lonely and sad and angry and all that. I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of rebuilding my life, or rather just finally building the life I've been hiding from for so long. Trying to catch up on my finances, my few friendships, my health. Trying to discover what I'm really into, what's really important to me. Trying to discover my values, my moral compass, my personality.
I really didn't believe in this journey when I began. I'd had plenty of false starts and I just knew I needed to stop hurting by quitting drinking or blowing my brains out, and some glimmer of a higher power had been telling me all along that I have a purpose to serve in this world, and the shame of suicide was unacceptable. I would have just returned to this misery in some other form.
So I chose the difficult path of trudging through the muck of my illness to figure out why I'm here. One long and short day at a time. That's what I'm doing now; trudging through the muck. It's wonderful, it's scary. It's so worth the hard times, the sacrifices and self discipline and humility.
I don't ever want to go back to that hell. I can't go back. No matter how hard this gets, at least it is new, it is growth. I've been there-done that and it goes nowhere.
Please don't give up. Me, you, if you're reading this. We can do this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Upwards...thank you for posting this today. Just thanks.
This...
"I love it. I am getting a little restless, a little stir crazy, I get lonely and sad and angry and all that. I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of rebuilding my life, or rather just finally building the life I've been hiding from for so long. Trying to catch up on my finances, my few friendships, my health. Trying to discover what I'm really into, what's really important to me. Trying to discover my values, my moral compass, my personality. "
And "we can do this."
This...
"I love it. I am getting a little restless, a little stir crazy, I get lonely and sad and angry and all that. I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of rebuilding my life, or rather just finally building the life I've been hiding from for so long. Trying to catch up on my finances, my few friendships, my health. Trying to discover what I'm really into, what's really important to me. Trying to discover my values, my moral compass, my personality. "
And "we can do this."
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