Upwardspiral

I like your feedback TS. I've been mulling over this a lot today and while I certainly haven't turned my back on spirituality; it's clear that if I ever give Christianity a fair shake I will have to completely rediscover it without any referencing what I learned as a child.

I think my fear with the third step has to do with losing control. My life has always been messy but I've just barely held it together. We alcoholics tend to delude ourselves that drinking is a way of controlling our destiny. I know I've been scared for the longest time of finding out who I am and what my life will be without booze.
Of course this is all a delusion. None of us truly have control. We can do our best to work toward our goals but there is no guarantee everything will go the way we want. My downfall has been that I can recognize this fact, but it sends me into a nihilistic depression. "What's the point then?"
I suppose it can be very comforting to know I'm not in control, and I can still do my best just because it feels good. I know doing my worst certainly didn't.

Tooshabby

Yeah, and I think that's probably possible. You could ask Dee about it because he's a Christian and I don't think anyone has their head screwed on tighter than him!

I still wonder if fear of losing control isn't due at least in large part to the idea that God expects something of you, or wants to control you. God does seem okay with free choice. I personally and honestly believe that God loves us no matter what we do - it's not a very popular opinion I don't think! Maybe I'm in the minority. Maybe it's more like just appreciation, which it sounds like you already do, that God is in control in some overall sense, and we can have faith and trust what happens in life. That doesn't preclude you from making the wisest decisions you can. Dunno if that makes sense :-)

Upwardspiral

Honestly Tooshabby that's exactly it!
It's at the core of my retreat from all relationships. I fear that I'm "losing myself", or that I'm going to lose them. It's either be abandoned or be possessed, my absolutist mind seems to believe. And yes, I suppose I'm afraid of disappointing God, as well as my peers.

Attended another meeting today-I actually felt kind of compelled to go. I wanted to ask about the third step but I wasn't sure how to form the question..."how do I give myself to God?" It's not like signing over a car title!
I'm okay with just spending time with this. It seems like the answer is staring me in the face every time I get annoyed, or impatient, or antsy. Like a woman in the meeting today said, you have to sit through those storms and watch them pass.
I still want to take cover, even if my only defense is to be terse with people and hide away at home as much as possible. I'm grateful I have so many resources to help me dig into all this stuff.

letitgo

Glad you had a great meeting Up!

Tooshabby

I think it's an excellent question and I'm going to ponder it myself :-)

Good one about the meetings!!

Upwardspiral

Woke up very early today and made a full day of it. Renewed my gym membership finally. I'm getting more interested in returning to regular exercise again. I want it to be something balanced and consistent, not those on and off binge workouts that would leave me destroyed for a week.
Spent an hour pulling weeds in the flower beds at the shop, seeing them reminds me of the alcoholic depression that killed my enthusiasm for gardening. Worked a full day and was productive and upbeat.
I thought of drinking beer a few times today. Even thought of that mental release I used to get just thinking about how I was going to get obliterated after work. Yikes. There's a moment of sadness but then I remember there's nothing to miss any more. The romance died a long time ago. I saw bottles of wine and beer at the store tonight and they seemed alien, sinister. That stuff is not for me. I look past it as if it were tobacco, or TV guide.

Tooshabby

Hey, great day. I love gardening, but have let it all go a bit lately. Need to get back into it. It is so satisfying.

Sounding strong, Upwards :-) I get that moment of sadness too. Like I've lost something. I'll be glad when that goes away.....

fantail

Sounds like a great day. I try as often as possible to do something that I lost interest in while drinking... it's double the pay off, both the enjoyment of the activity and the gratitude. Especially physical things like gardening.

Upwardspiral

Great AA meeting tonight. There was a lot of energy in the room, an ambiance of joy. Maybe it was just me. I felt less shy afterwards; meeting people did not feel so overwhelming. It is wonderful just to know that we're all there with this common purpose that can be so heavy and difficult, but which also gives so much relief and healing. I guess that's what it is that makes it unique and wonderful: we're all there to heal.
It has taken me a long time to embrace that I *want* to heal, that I'm *worth* healing, and that I *can* heal.

Still working on preparing to tackle the fourth step, still waiting and reading to be sure I'm not going to put up a fight. Taking my time with this but enjoying the process.

Delfin

Wow! I saw bottles of wine at a gasoline shop today and that's exactly how I felt. Alien and sinister describes it perfectly. It was the first time I've seen alcohol, other than a tiny glass elsewhere, since I quit 54 days ago. ( I seem to remember your quit date and mine are one day apart, btw). I wasn't sure what kind of feelings I'd have...as you said, the romance with alcohol ks over for me too. It was not a good breakup. ;-)

Ive been having a some of the "what now?" feeling you described, and I'm trying to figure out if I should just stay put and work on my sobriety or make changes.

Anyhow, I'm sorry to just rewrite your post. :-D I guess this is all to say that I really get you cause I'm right where you are too.

Delfin

Oh, and I wanted to throw out the idea of college, community college if you're not too sure and want something more affordable and easy to get started on. Many have mental health counseling programs specializing in addiction. Of course there are other programs that might interest you once you get in there and check it out.

Upwardspiral

Thanks Delfin. It's actually really nice to know what I've said resonates with you.
I have been looking into community college, it's definitely the sensible route. I plan to at least enroll in one or two classes in January to test the waters and to stimulate this 'ol brain of mine!

Delfin

Great plan, Upward! Be sure to check out your profs' ratings before signing up for their class. A bad prof can make the semester a challenge (not to say you couldn't get through it! Just better if you have profs you like and who are great).
I work at a community college myself, actually, so I've got a little behind the scenes insight. ;-)

By the way, have you had any pink clouds recently? I did around two weeks ago, then I fell off the cloud and went back to reality. It was nice while it lasted!

Delfin

Delfin

Upwardspiral

Yeah, Delfin, I think so. I think I've already been through two high and low cycles and am in a cloud again right now as I'm excited about entering into the AA program. I know these ups and downs are typical for me and dangerous.
I'm trying to go easy on my self because I can get manic when I'm feeling good and burn myself out.
If you have much experience with this you must know how frustrating it is to have a phase of feeling really good be tainted with the worry about when you're going to crash again.

Oh, and thanks for the school advice. What is your role at the college?

Delfin

Actually, when I'm on a pink cloud I think I'm gonna live there forever- no worrying at all about it ending and crashing! Then one day I wake up and I'm not giddy anymore, and oh, well...Reality is still pretty great though, now that I don't drink.

At my cc, I'm the director of one of the student services. I love working with cc students. Many are immigrants or just weren't into school, some are returning to college for a career change, after having kids, after prison stints, etc. I have one student in his 50s who was high and drunk most of his life. He's finally sober and getting his life together. It would never occur to him that I went through the same things he has gone through (never drugged though). The secret life of the HFA...that was my life for too long.

Anyway, feel free to message me if you have questions about school. I'm happy to share any info that may help you.

Delfin

Upwardspiral

Thanks Delfin! I'll keep that in mind :-)

Upwardspiral

Well today made 8 weeks. And what a great day! I love waking up not hung over and immediately doing house keeping chores. Funny how something so mundane to a normie can feel like such a blessing to the newly recovering alcoholic.

I went to a potluck baby shower tonight and stayed much later than I planned. I felt a lot more comfortable not drinking than I expected to. I noticed only a few guys were getting drunk, most of the ladies were drinking like ladies or were preggers. I tended to drink hard and try to hang with the guys at parties. I never felt like one of the girls. Now I don't really feel like either. I'm just me, and I was surprised by how okay I was with that tonight.

Upwardspiral

Just left an AA meeting and I feel so sad, so lonely. I have such a long way to go to learn to build relationships. I want to connect with people but I it feels so awkward right now. I have become such a hermit, such a shrunken soul. I feel bland. When I try to relate to new people I realize I don't really have anything to say about myself. I work and then I come home and cling to SR. Maybe I ride my bike a few miles or cook some food. It's fine for me in my head but I'm so detached from the world like this.
I'm excited about recovery but that's it at the moment.
I just want to go to more meetings, for that hour in those rooms there is some comfort, my connection to others seems real.
This is kind of a ramble but I just need to record it. I need to stop relying on my self reliance. I need to look in the mirror and start taking stock.

Soberwolf

Hi Upwardspiral I remember feeling like that but see your post you just did open up you spoke in a post don't worry about finding your voice I didn't find mine for ages they do say take the cotton out your ears and put it where you speak so we were doing something right inadvertently lol

I know what it's like to live like a hermit I spend many of my days alone like yourself I don't see it as such a bad thing anymore I had such a stigma to that word i was beating myself unnecessarily but to be honest its quite beautiful I want to include a link but I don't know it my friend does though il ask

That connection in the rooms is 5000% real I am still in contact with some friends

Fwiw I have big faith in you Upwards

If you ever want to talk pls feel free to send a msg

I think your ideas are awesome

You have my vote what do you like to cook I like spicy chicken sometimes

Dee74

I've often likened recovery to peeling back the skin of an onion...layer by layer I went getting back to the real me, and discovered who that was and what he wanted.

That takes a little time, effort and patience.

We all discover different things I think - I discovered that I actually quite like alone time now that I'm not scared to be alone with myself.

Others may find they need to feel connected and part of something.

The great thing is there's nothing stopping you from making your life exactly what you want it to be.

There are people to meet everyday and ways to meet them that won't require alcohol - and AA meetings are a good place to start making sober connections

Learning to befriend people sober is a skill like any other - but it's a skill we've used before in the playground, or summer camp, or high school - long before we ever thought of drinking.

things will be ok upwardspiral - have faith. You won't be disappointed

D

Upwardspiral

Thanks for the kind words guys. I actually don't mind being a loner, either, and sorry Wolfie, l didn't mean to use "hermit" as a pejorative

I know it will take time to find balance in my life after so much time spent alone drinking. I want friends but it's hard to break down the walls and be vulnerable, even though I've grown to resent the image I've cultivated for myself of being tough and self sufficient.

I still feel this resistance inside when we say the serenity prayer at meetings. I keep picturing myself as the defenseless little girl I was once, and I cringe at the thought of some invisible hand resting on my head. The hand could be benevolent or it could strike.

Anyways, I went to another meeting today and though I felt that same sadness again after I left, I'm glad I went and I'm going to keep going and keep asking myself how can I let go.
I still don't feel the desire to drink. Yeah I think about it and I remember the old belief that it would bring me pleasure, but I also remember that this belief was false and no longer serves me.
Sometimes this new phase of my life doesn't seem real yet and it's scary to think I'm really doing this, but I absolutely don't want to go back, ever.