Upwardspiral

I've been feeling pretty upbeat in general lately but I'm having a hard time with the emotions that have always gotten me in trouble: anger and resentment. I have gotten a little better over the years at controlling how I respond to people when I'm angry or annoyed, mainly for the sake of staying employed. However I think that how I react inside has changed very little, and I still emit my annoyance only to regret it later. It's often uncalled for, too. I get impatient with people simply for being too long winded or being indecisive. Dumb stuff that I do too. I get caught up in "should's" and pretty judgement.
I simply don't accept life as it comes at me sometimes.

I can post mortem my bad reactions and figure out what went wrong, but in real time I feel like I'm melting down inside. Usually I can at least end an interaction on a kind note but I might have to back pedal out of shortness and snarkiness.

I don't think I behave like a monster but I hate the upsurge of anger and spite that blinds me to the other person's experience. I alienate my friends because I don't know how to confront them in a healthy way when I'm upset with them. (Such an incident just happened.)
I have no desire to drink over this, the drinking made my anger so much worse. I hope to find some peace as I work the steps in AA. I'm meeting with someone to try to get a sponsor on Tuesday. I'm scared of the trust it will require but it's got to happen, I can't do this alone.

Upwardspiral

My mind has been all over the place today. I've been waking up tired and sluggish after over sleeping, which is a little disappointing. My patience at work has been improving but my motivation outside of that has been weak. I did go to three AA meetings already this week but have not moved forward with finding a sponsor or tackling the action steps.

Mostly, I am okay with where I'm at, but I was bothered by thoughts of drinking today. A post I read here earlier triggered a fearful thought of how impossible it seems that I will never drink another drop again.

I want so badly to stay sober and happy. I know my fear of failure is pointless and that it will someday be as natural that I not partake of alcohol as it is that I don't smoke.
Tomorrow I will try to begin tapering my caffeine consumption as it's feeding my anxiety. I will also go to a meeting tomorrow even if I have to leave work midday. I will get at least one phone number as I need to have more contacts if these thoughts get worse.
I need to talk to people about my feelings more in general. I've been suppressing them for too long for fear of being a burden, or for fear that if I put it all out there I must then do something about it.

Tooshabby

Upwards, you are doing so well. Three AA meetings is fantastic, as is the amount of sober time already under your belt. You are also really honest and self-reflective. So much progress and gutsy determination. Rome wasn't built in a day, but you can still feel good about every step you make along the path. FWIW...I'm afraid of failing too. I have good reason because I've failed so often in the past. I guess all we can do is press on and do our best :-)

Good idea about the caffeine taper. It's awful for anxiety, I've found.

Eshgham

I had the same kind of dream, at roughly the same time. That "oh no, what have I done" feeling is pretty powerful. I think it's a good thing. It means you really, really want to quit. I think I've had two or three of these dreams. They'd always give me a little surge of inspiration, because it felt like I was being given a second chance after waking up.

Haha, love it. Definitely accurate!

Grind through it, & you'll feel awesome when it passes.

Also be careful with the caffeine. I know you said you'd taper it, but be mindful that stopping may bring up some pretty negative emotions - it always does for me.

Upwardspiral

Thanks TooShabby, you're so kind. You're right too; today I had to pull myself back to "one day at a time" over and over. Such a simple concept but so loaded with meaning!

Upwardspiral

Thanks Eshgam. Yeah, caffeine and I go back to childhood. It's a paradox that it increases my stress physiologically but coffee (formerly cola) is an emotional crutch and a reward so doing without it causes stress too.
Boo hoo, poor me. I feel so spoiled when I talk about my reliance on it

Soberwolf

You can do this bud

Upwardspiral

Thanks Wolfie
I was able to put those thoughts of impending failure aside but it was unnerving for a while. Alcohol in any form has no place in my life, and I have so much to look forward to in recovery. There is no challenge nor celebration I can't face sober.

I took a lot of comfort in meetings this week, and tonight I met a woman who is willing to be my sponsor. I'm nervous and hopeful. It's hard to imagine telling her all the awful thoughts and shameful actions.

A girl who collected her 90 day chip tonight spoke for both of us when she said : "I'm proud, and excited, and scared sh*tless...'cause this means this is really happening, I'm doing this."

Upwardspiral

I suffered through another day of anger and resentment at work yesterday. I felt so upset that by the end of the day I prayed for the first time in years, just prayed to my HP to take away my anger, to let me see things from others' perspective.

Today I met with my sponsor for the first time, I can't believe how much better I felt after half an hour of talking to her. This really is a new life. I'm scared but mostly excited and hopeful. The feeling that this is real, that this will last, is becoming more of a certainty.

ccam1973

Great job Upward. Keep going strong. Every day you don't drink, you are successfully creating a positive future for yourself. You can't control life, but life is so much better when you are in control of not drinking.

Dee74

I'm glad your sponsor helped Upward - that's great

D

Tooshabby

Upwards! You are really doing it! Inspiring stuff :-)

Delfin

Glad to hear that things went well with your new spoksor, Upwardspiral. I hope you figure out the anger and resentment stuff and feel better.

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I'm doing this whole sobriety thing too, but yes, it's happening! Pats on the backs for us. :-)

Delfin

Upwardspiral

I felt so out of sorts last night I had to start a separate thread to get some reassurance. Just that same old dilemma of feeling lonely and anti social at the same time.

What's interesting is I finally had one of those moments where I checked in with my feelings and found something I didn't expect to be there, something that would've made me drink "for no apparent reason" in the past.
I thought I was in a good or neutral mood walking to the meeting, in the rain, past crazy college football traffic. Once I got seated I felt wierd, aloof, sad. What? I didn't know I was sad!

Normally at that time of day I'd be heading home to curl up with a case of beer. I might have even cried at some point in the night, but I never would have really gone through the "I'm sad, this is why, someone help me, this is what I can do to feel better, okay I'll start doing this, hey I feel better already" routine.
Revolutionary!

In other news, the meeting I went to today was AMAZING! So much heavy stuff shared with so much humor, drama, and profanity. It was like a morbid comedy club and we were all comedians, but also deadly serious. Hardest I laughed all week. I never expected it to be like that.

Upwardspiral

I've begun going to AA meetings every day. A few weeks ago I had no idea that this program would become my anchor.
I have officially worked step one with my sponsor. I will revisit this step frequently as I feel vulnerable to forgetting that while my life wasn't shattered, I was teetering on the edge.

I feel more comfortable at meetings and am beginning to connect with people who attend. I still isolate when I can but between work, visiting the gym 3 or 4 times a week, daily meetings and a little volunteering, my evening alone time feels healthier.

I'm trying not to worry about my next move in my life. I want to focus on doing my best each day in my current roles. I expect more emotions and struggles to come in the months ahead, and I want to be strong.

I'm honestly not sure if my emotions are still coming on weak or if I'm squashing them down, but it's been okay.
I do want to start spending less time looking at my phone screen, as it seems like a numbing agent. I'm so grateful for SR but I may spend less time here each day and see if I can look outward a little more.

I'm so grateful to be on this journey. I have a long way to go but I find that comforting. I'm glad I don't have to have it all figured out. Progress, not perfection.

BixBees505

Upwards...so awesome. Your posts have inspired and encouraged me greatly. You express your journeys so well, and convey such intelligence and candor. I wish you the best and I selfishly hope you continue posting when you can!

Tooshabby

Sounding really great. Upwards . I'm glad you are getting so much out of the meetings and are connecting with people as you'd hoped to :-)

Upwardspiral

I picked up my 90 day chip today. This week was hard, I finally had some of the really strong emotions I'd been missing: I bawled like a baby a few nights ago.

Things have been really stressful at my job. I help my friends run a small business and I feel powerless over how it's nearly being run into the ground right now.
I'm trying to do my best each day and hope we pull through. A screw up on my part earlier this week made me feel the kind of despair I hadn't known yet since I quit drinking.

However, I stayed sober, made my daily meetings, called my sponsor and even prayed. I still don't know what or who I'm praying to but it helps me get centered.

Today my coworker arrived red eyed, mumbling and REEKING of booze. A few months ago that was me, too, and we would have joked together about how hung over we were.

I love being sober. I love the wonderful communities I've found in AA and SR. This stuff is really hard work but I don't want to let anything take me back to that miserable place. EVER.

Soberwolf

Fantastic job on 90 days !

Upwardspiral

Tomorrow is day 100. I'm delighted! I'm glad that early on I was able to let go of needing to know what my journey would look like.

I'm glad I decided to go to AA especially. Maybe I'd still be soldiering on without it but I doubt it. I've found so much relief there.

I'm starting to make friends, I'm working on problems other than just not drinking and I'm even beginning to get a sense of what a higher power might look like to me.

I have long felt remorse over losing spirituality in my life, and AA has proven to be a very gentle and undogmatic way to explore it.

This phase is hard, too, and I know it's going to be hard for a while.
I'm all at once becoming painfully aware of my character defects, the way I have and continue to hurt people in ways big and small, the daily harm I still do to myself by being unmindful and selfish.

Most importantly though, I'm learning to see all this as it's happening. I'm learning restraint with my words, I'm learning patience for myself and others. One day at a time, I'm going to get and stay sober, physically and emotionally.