lighter

But, amp, it doesn't matter what you, I, MarathonMan, or anyone else (including her parents) thinks about it.

Tetra thinks it's wrong. That's what she's said in this thread. If she tells her parents it's unlikely to be a big deal for them. But it is a big deal for her.

Jeni26

My daughter is 19 Tetra, and just embarking on a new relationship. She didn't ask my permission because she's an adult. She chats to me about their plans for the weekend and she knows she can talk to me about whatever she wants to, but it is also her right not to.

I am sorry you feel bad about lying, but maybe you need to question WHY you felt the need to. I know your parents worry about you, but it doesn't give them the right to know about everything you do.

Enjoy the relationship, it is part of growing up and being independent.

Tang

Tetra - I have news for you. Sober people can lie too. Just because we get sober doesn't mean we become saints. You are going to make mistakes and that's OK.

amp123

Yes, I agree with that. Well said!

Gilmer

Before you tell them, prepare your mind and heart. I'll bet the reason you lied is because you strongly suspect they'll react badly and put you down again.

Your conscience is telling you to tell them the truth. So do it--but BE PREPARED mentally for the fallout you're going to take. Be quiet and don't engage with them. When the storm dies down, maybe you can bring him to meet them.

aasharon90

In recovery we learn about the word
HONESTY.

I first thought I needed to be honest
in all my affairs and with folks right
off the bat in order to remain sober.

However, as time went on and as I
continued to learn, I realized that I
didn't need to be be completely honest
if it was going to hurt someone.

So, in time as I continued to learn
and live a recovery life living with
Willingness and Openmindedness,
in the the letters W.H.O. , I finally
achieved Honesty yrs, later in my
own recovery.

In doing so, finally being completely
honest in all areas of my life, then
that opened a door to a FREEDOM
I had never known before.

Let me explain.....

In most of my yrs sober, I couldn't
be completely honest with one person
because of the fear of hurting them.
So, I didn't want to hurt this person
any longer, I prayed about it and continued
on my recovery journey, until one day,
my prayers were answered and the door
was open for me to exit safely without
hurting this person.

Then the miracle happened where
I no longer needed to be dishonest
quietly to not hurt this person anymore,
and I was filled with this amazing sense
of release and freedom like all those
heavy chains were finally released
on me.

No one was hurt in being dishonesty
because I followed the steps and principles
set down for me incorporate in all areas
of my life.

No more lies and today I am an open book
so to speak and will live an honest life to
continue to reap the gifts and rewards
provided to us in recovery.

In order to become honest, I needed
to remove myself from the situation
in which I finally did so that I didn't
need to be dishonest any longer.

You are old enough to make your own
choices in life. Healthy choices in life.
You are an adult and don't need permission
to do what you want to do. However, with
each action you do there is responsibility
that comes with it.

If you are living out of ur parents home
then you are mature enough to make
your own decisions and you don't have
to report to ur parents.

If you live under their roof then you
have to follow their rules and if we don't
like it, then we move out.

Live responsible and honest in ur
own life and mostly within your
own heart, mind and soul all in
recovery. Then the rewards of the
promises will follow for you to treasure,
enjoy and cherish.

Della1968

Tetra. I too feel you shouldn't have to lie to them. There is nothing my kids could do that I wouldn't eventually forgive them for. It is your life and your life only.

Hawkeye13

I am so glad you've met someone Tetra--you are certainly an adult and ready for the "next stage of life" now that you are independent
and sober from your parent's household.

I am an honest person by nature,
but I also was not always truthful about when I spent the night with a boyfriend with my mother,
especially early in the relationship when I didn't want her trying to control and guilt me to spoil my happiness.
You may recall my mother was quite a bit like yours is in the way she manipulated me and my feelings.

You know perfectly well that if your mother can destroy your joy she will,
as her lifelong attempts to control and shame you in the past clearly indicate.

I think maybe you should, when you are ready, say you have met someone but no need
to go back and account for when and where you were of an evening.
That's your privacy and right.

If they get nosy, kindly but firmly say no to invasive questions and insist on respect for your feelings.
If your parents can't be polite and respectful to you,
I would refuse to discuss it any further with them.

Live your life Tetra and enjoy it--you are free of alcohol and your mother's toxic influence if you choose to be

P.S.--Is new man cute and kind? Details, girl, details. . . (if you care to share with you invisible friends only, of course )

Hopeless1978

You can't please everyone. Period.

Erikst

HOW DARE YOU....You should be so ashamed of yourself. That's terrible. You are an awful person. (This is clearly, sarcasm). You like this guy. He makes you happy. You're sober. It's normal in early recovery to second-guess every single thing we do. But, honestly,... if your parents have an issue with this now ....do you really think that all goes away simply because a year went by? On day 366, people don't just suddenly change their opinion. This is your life, and your recovery....do what feels right for you....

Saskia

When my daughter was dating, I figured out what was happening. I didn't ask her but had previously told her that if she needed birth control pills, I would take her to doc to get them. All I said when I noticed was "Do you want to see doc to get birth control pills" and she said yes. I told her if she ever wanted to talk about it, I was there. I tried to be non-judgmental (I didn't like the guy) but felt she was old enough to need to make her own decisions. I've never regretted that. My point is that all of us as both parents and children need to deal with these things. I think that it's best to avoid putting others into a situation where they feel they need to lie.

I don't think anything in life is black and white. I don't feel comfortable lying but recognize that sometimes it can be a kindness to simply not say anything. As a silly example, if a friend is wearing an excruciatingly ugly dress, I don't say anything. Saying it's ugly would be honest and unkind. Saying it is gorgeous would be dishonest. Not saying anything could be construed as a little white lie but would be my choice in this situation.

readerbaby71

What Dee said. It's time to really cut the cord and start living like an adult! It's great that you've met someone you like. I hope it works out. xox

Hopeless1978

You can't make everyone happy. Or anyone, sometimes it has to come from yourself.

Anna

Tetra, you're old enough to make your own decision and live your own life. And, you're old enough to decide whether you want to tell your parents about your new boyfriend.

Kevin78

Life is full of mistakes. Sometimes it's the only way we can learn from making them.

Sasha4

Tetra - why do you need to tell your parents where you are staying?

If you said 'I'm not going home tonight, I'm staying with friends' that should be all you need to say and all they need to know.

As well as being a potential boyfriend, I am assuming he is a friend too?

Whats the problem?

In future if you stay with him why not just say you are staying with a friend?
If they ask who, say his name.
Then you are not lying.
You have nothing to lie about.
You can have male friends as well as female friends.
They don't need to know yet if you are considering a relationship with him.

I'm sure your parents don't really need an in-depth discussion with you about your sex life.
I also don't think they are daft either!
You are a grown woman.

In my opinion the fact you feel you have to lie about where you are suggests you are not 100% happy with some aspect of this friendship/relationship.

Whats bothering you?
If its just the lie you told, forget it, move on but be truthful next time - say you are staying with a male friend.

Lots of girls your age are married with children.
In my opinion, for what its worth, its normal at your age to be spending time with a man you like.
Its not normal at your age to be worrying about what your parents will think.

MelindaFlowers

None of their business who you're dating. You're an adult.

Tetra

Thank you all for all the replies.
Part of the reason I feel bad is that I said I was staying with my girlfriend but I didn't.
The two of us went to Dublin for the weekend.

KissMyTiara

Tetra you are a grown woman and can make your grown up choices. Your parents have been over bearing your whole life and make you feel guilty at the least little thing. My suggestion is to let this one go, BUT tell them about the new BF and how happy you are and then tell them the next time you are with him. It's your life. Stop letting them make you miserable and make yourself happy.

PurpleKnight

For me running everything past my parents ended a long time ago, I know it was a lie, but you now don't need to go and explain all of that to your parents either!!

Continue from now, lead your life and do what you want to do, regardless of anyone's approval!!