Tetra

Ok I decided to talk to my dad.
He said he kind of already had a suspicion.
He didn't care except to know that this fellow is reliable and he said to at least let him know if I'm going away in case I get into danger.
He also said just to tread carefully as I am only just putting my life back together.
He also said he is proud of me for facing up to my responsibilities and that he loves me.

I do tend to get myself all worked up over nothing. Feeling guilty over the slightest thing.

greens

Are you just concerned with the fact that it is suggested to wait a year before dating? Because looking back I only know a handful of people who actually waited that long (my self included ). the majority of people dont wait a year and there is nothing wrong with that. I decided to wait several years for my own personal reasons , I had made the decision before anyone suggested the 12 month wait period to me. I think It is a very personal choice. And congrats on finding someone who makes you happy enjoy your time together

CaseyW

I am glad you decided to tell your dad the truth and glad it went so well. It's taken me a long time to figure out that the truth is almost always the easier, softer way.

Carlotta

You got me worried for a minute, I thought that maybe you robbed a bank or ran over their dog when you wrote you made a terrible mistake LOL
You got some excellent feedback here and I am glad that your new bf seems nice and that you are having a fun time.
One thing I'd to add and I hope that you will give it some thoughts is that part of recovery for some of us with codependent tendencies is learning to set boundaries and learn not to "people please" even it means having to go through a couple of unpleasant confrontations.
Until you learn to do that with your mom, you will always be stressed out and you will always be tempted to lie.

Ps: there is really nothing to forgive, you are a 35 years old single adult with a new boyfriend if anyone has a problem with that it's their issue not yours.

Gilmer

It's fantastic that you were able to communicate so openly with your dad. I think you would be wise to leave it to him to tell whatever he sees fit to your mom. I would be courteous to her, but I'd be careful not to engage in a conversation with her about anything but the weather.

lighter

I agree with your post quite strongly. In theory waiting a year is good advice but life doesn't work out according to theory for many people.

brynn

Nice job talking to your dad, tetra! And congrats on the new guy!!

wehav2day

Tetra, depending on where you are in recovery, you are either in the process of recall recalibrating your moral compass or it's fixed. It takes a while to fix your moral compass and be able to "trust your gut." That's why the "no big new stuff your first year" rule exists in recovery. I was in a relationship when I got sober, in my case that rule saved my relationship as I was tempted to bail at every turn my first year. Now we are married.

Personally, I really don't think it's our place to tell you what to do about the boy or your parents. I will say this though: if something gives you the niggles, or doesn't sit well, deal with it. If you need to be 100 percent honest about everything to feel ok, by all means tell them. If you have a sponsor, talk to that person.

It took me about a year to trust my gut again. I had to be rigorously honest about everything in order to feel ok. The result for me, is I found I like honesty. I've been honest in some scary situations, and everything ended up ok. It's pretty liberating. My "white lie" tolerance is pretty low anymore.

Good luck and congrats on your sobriety!

Latte

I told my parents immediately because I wasn't going to live as I had in the past. Oooh boy, a lot of emotions and feelings but I stood my ground, whatever issue they have/had with me, I won't let them take it out on him and that I am an adult, I do not need their approval and I won't ask for it. Heck, my feelings were never validated when I lived with them, why would they start now? What's funny is that my alcoholic Father never treats me or my BF badly. He doesn't enable either. My Father has not drank in 3 years and he is farther along in this journey than anyone else.

I guess I told you all that to basically tell you that no matter what you do, people are going to do whatever they want to. If they are jerks, or if they are ok about it, that is not about you. That is about them.

Ruby2

Tetra, I know you feel bad. Forgive yourself and work forward from there. Introduce the idea of you dating to your parents. Then work slowly from there. No, telling them you were one place when you were at another isn't optimal but you are an adult, entitled to your privacy. Deep breaths.

And if you are ready to date, you're ready. But if you're second guessing things, take it slowly.

Delilah1

Sounds like you and your dad had a great conversation, and it is obvious how much he loves you, and wants what is best for you. Congratulations on your new relationship.