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Call me Mrs. Nice-Gal

Old 05-16-2015, 10:50 PM
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Unhappy Call me Mrs. Nice-Gal

I'll be the first to admit I was a little mellow dramatic with my last post about my MIL coming to town. The truth of the matter is she has never really accepted me. Years ago I learned to just accept that and dealt with it by drinking, I'll never be good enough for her son. In a few different situations she has crossed the line with me. The latest was a verbal meltdown to which she screamed at me for 45 minutes and refused to calm down. She has had these melt downs in the past and they always seem to happen when 1). My husband is away and 2). When she isn't in control of a situation. Well to make a very long story short, we have been distant for a few months and I was perfectly fine with that. She asked a few weeks ago if she could come down to visit, I didn't want to keep my daughter away from her any longer, we allowed her to come down and spend the weekend with her. I had no plans on being nice to her or even talking to her to be completely honest. But as I promised my husband I would make an appearance and put on my best "I don't hate you" face. I decided that dinner would be a good idea, that way she and my husband could enjoy the day without me and there would not be any tension ruining her visit. However at dinner I was nice, we laughed and as much as I wanted to give her the cold shoulder....its just not in my nature. "Good" you say "Your the bigger person in the end" you'll suggest, but the problem is that because I can't show my true feelings and down right lividness (is that a word?) it means that everything gets stuffed down and it will surely blow over later down the road. Like I said before she is a true trigger for me. Plus, to make things worse even before dinner my AV beacon had started going off. I hope I can find away to work through these issues because I can't let someone that has been so mean and rude to me, be the reason I relapse.....
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Old 05-16-2015, 10:53 PM
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I've had to deal with all manner of people over the years - not one of them was worth compromising my integrity and my future for

I hope the visit won't be a long one - but you can do this Mysusnshine

D
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Old 05-16-2015, 11:24 PM
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I once took a class with Dr. Fred Luskin about forgiveness, based on his book Forgive for Good. He talked extensively about his relationship/feud with his MiL; longstanding, maybe 15 years. Eventually he narrowed the gap between his expectations for his MiL's behavior and the reality and was able to find harmony.

Kind of like he was not going to suddenly be the choice son in-law and his Mil was going to behave in a certain way regardless...so he rejiggered a working relationship that reflected the reality and not his disdain and disappointed expectations. Does this make any sense at all?

In short, Change your expectations from her as a mil to reflect her reality and of what she is (not) capable. I definitely could not tolerate a 45 minute rave from anyone's MiL - I would have to walk away. Geez. That's nuts.

Hang in there. It sounds like your MiL has some complicated emotions with regards to her son/your husband. Good for you for not drinking!
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Old 05-17-2015, 10:12 AM
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Hang in there Mysusnshine!! You can do this!!
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Old 05-17-2015, 02:17 PM
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Dee you are amazing, we can always count on you to be there for us.
Thank You!
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Old 05-17-2015, 02:27 PM
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If you don't like her now, you would probably kill her if she caused you to relapse! So let's not let that happen
I know it's hard, but the only person it hurts is you. There are some people in my life that know how to get to me, and I KNOW it makes them feel better to bother me. The best way I can get back at them without feeling badly is to just let it go. Once they find out they have no effect on me they generally ease up.

Also, good for you for getting through the day without incident.

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Old 05-17-2015, 02:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Verte View Post
I once took a class with Dr. Fred Luskin about forgiveness, based on his book Forgive for Good. He talked extensively about his relationship/feud with his MiL; longstanding, maybe 15 years. Eventually he narrowed the gap between his expectations for his MiL's behavior and the reality and was able to find harmony.

Kind of like he was not going to suddenly be the choice son in-law and his Mil was going to behave in a certain way regardless...so he rejiggered a working relationship that reflected the reality and not his disdain and disappointed expectations. Does this make any sense at all?

In short, Change your expectations from her as a mil to reflect her reality and of what she is (not) capable. I definitely could not tolerate a 45 minute rave from anyone's MiL - I would have to walk away. Geez. That's nuts.

Hang in there. It sounds like your MiL has some complicated emotions with regards to her son/your husband. Good for you for not drinking!
What an wonderful suggestion. I'm going to look up his book now. I'm just one of those people who wears her heart on there sleeve and seeks approval from everyone. I have always been that way.
Unfortunately leaving the situation was not an option at the time.

I have laid down some ground rules that I believe with help with future encounters. In all honesty, she isn't the wicked witch of the west. She has always been someone I've respected as a single mother who stopped at nothing to make sure her children were cared for, loved and provided for. Actual taking a step back she came from a horrible up bringing and just hates seeing her kids make some of the mistakes she already made.

I did stay strong and have and no AV cravings since yesterday. We even spent the rest of the day with her, showing her around our new home city.
Longer repost than I expected, but wanted to thank you all for the support!
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Old 05-17-2015, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by site1Q84 View Post
If you don't like her now, you would probably kill her if she caused you to relapse! So let's not let that happen
I know it's hard, but the only person it hurts is you. There are some people in my life that know how to get to me, and I KNOW it makes them feel better to bother me. The best way I can get back at them without feeling badly is to just let it go. Once they find out they have no effect on me they generally ease up.

Also, good for you for getting through the day without incident.

Isn't that funny that people ACTUALLY do that? I just don't understand how peole push buttons just to get a rise out of us...
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Old 05-17-2015, 03:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Mysusnshine1 View Post
I'm just one of those people who wears her heart on there sleeve and seeks approval from everyone. I have always been that way.
What I can tell you is that many, if not most, people tend to feel manipulated when someone is seeking our approval, even when we may also experience flattery. We all only have more or less tolerance for this. And when the approval-seeking person ups the ante, we often only grow in our irritation, with some of us feeling provoked to respond with avoidance or even rudeness.

Like you, I have also "always been that way" in many areas in my life, until it became too painful or destructive to continue.

For me, achieving a healthy and meaningful life in sobriety included a complete overhaul of my thinking and behaviors, admittedly an ideal and daunting task. I still work on some of these things because, well, I'll never get it all perfectly right. Accepting this made a difference for me.
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