Notices

Am I expecting too much?

Old 05-10-2015, 04:52 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,720
I overcame it by working on myself. I realised almost most all my validation came from other people. Like Anna, I was a people pleaser.

I needed to find validation and self worth in myself.

I had a little counselling help.

I did a lot of volunteering - not for the kudos, and not just to help others - I needed to feel I made a difference, however small.

I needed to remember I mattered.

I started from nearly zero self esteem so it took a while.

I got a lot out of this article and others like it

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...and-validation
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-10-2015, 05:39 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Leshar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,038
I'm sorry you've had a difficult day, ArtFriend. I'm glad you gave away the wine. It's not worth it to drink over our sadness. Sometimes, we just have to endure it, moment by moment, and hope for a little lift tomorrow.
Sending good wishes to you.
Leshar is offline  
Old 05-10-2015, 05:51 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mysusnshine1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 108
Way to go, I can't say after purchasing wine I would have been able to give it away or keep it unopened. That is WONDERFUL and you should be extremely proud of yourself.
As fair as your family, I'm sure they just don't realize that your wanting support. Maybe they are more worried that bring her up or calling today may be too painful for you. I say that because I have been on the other side and you really don't know how others mourn.
Keep your head up, even though we aren't family and we post from all over the world we are here for you. Keep making those GREAT decisions and keep posting!
Mysusnshine1 is offline  
Old 05-10-2015, 06:05 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
A Day at a Time
 
MIRecovery's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
All we can do is keep our side of the street clean. We need to reach out to others in pain when we can. We also have to be honest with ourselves and think of the times when we have done less than what we could when some one we knew who was grieving.

Expections are unplanded resentments.
MIRecovery is offline  
Old 05-10-2015, 06:20 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Marcher13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Art I am one of those people like you -- sensitive and a fixer of things but I'd caution you gently on being too hasty here. You are feeling vulnerable today because it's Mothers Day and you miss your Mom but other people aren't necessarily forgetting you and your pain, they simply may not know what to say.

If you were to ring someone you care for and say "I miss Mom today" then I am sure you would get a listening ear.

Turn this into a positive: you could plant some flowers in memory of your Mom, you could do some artwork in relation to your memories, you could journal your thoughts.

And know that around the world a lot of us care and are sending good thoughts to you, we care about you and we're sorry that you are missing your Mom.
Marcher13 is offline  
Old 05-10-2015, 06:45 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
A Day at a Time
 
MIRecovery's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
One other thought. If you drink you are going to get even with those that have hurt you by poisoning yourself. Sorry but this is alcoholic thinking
MIRecovery is offline  
Old 05-10-2015, 07:39 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,369
Good for you, AF, for giving that wine away. BRAVA!!

Former people pleaser here--waves hands in the air

I say former, although I'm still working on it. But it has been absolutely key to my sobriety. I would wear myself to the bone, physically and emotionally, putting everyone else's needs ahead of my own and drink to deal with the exhaustion and resentment that came from that. Sobriety has taught me that I cannot do what I used to think I could and stay sober, and that's okay.Stepping back gives others the chance to step forward and experience the joy of giving and sharing, and, at the same time, I can give so much more of my genuine self to those I choose to now.
matilda123 is offline  
Old 05-11-2015, 04:31 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thank you all for your kind words and perspective.
ArtFriend is offline  
Old 05-11-2015, 05:01 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I agree with most comments here, Art. I've never been much of a people pleaser but the shares and suggestions here sound solid. Maybe some volunteer work with the elderly who have no kids to care for them, or with children?

You know, it may be simply that those other people don't read your mind... I think people typically celebrate the moms directly on Mother's Day, and since you don't have kids, it just may not occur to them at all to call you and talk about your relationship with your mom. Since they are not in your head. I think you did the right thing initiating discussions about it here. Glad you got rid of the wine
Aellyce is offline  
Old 05-11-2015, 05:30 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I felt badly for even posting here because I sounded like a whiner. I think that is a problem for me, i.e., making my needs known. I really do expect people to "read my mind" at times unfortunately.

One of my strategies for coping the chaos of my FOO was to develop a keen sense of perception. I had to "read" people and situations ahead of the curve to plan a way to handle various scenarios. It has served me well as an adult, but not so well in terms of my expectations of others. I am constantly being disappointed by people. A friend once said to me "you expect others to be as smart and perceptive as you are." Didn't quite know what that meant at the time, but I can see it a bit now. HA! I wasn't very perceptive about myself was I??
ArtFriend is offline  
Old 05-11-2015, 09:11 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
I felt badly for even posting here because I sounded like a whiner. I think that is a problem for me, i.e., making my needs known. I really do expect people to "read my mind" at times unfortunately.

One of my strategies for coping the chaos of my FOO was to develop a keen sense of perception. I had to "read" people and situations ahead of the curve to plan a way to handle various scenarios. It has served me well as an adult, but not so well in terms of my expectations of others. I am constantly being disappointed by people. A friend once said to me "you expect others to be as smart and perceptive as you are." Didn't quite know what that meant at the time, but I can see it a bit now. HA! I wasn't very perceptive about myself was I??
I totally understand this, Art. My issue is not expecting anything from other people or being "whiny" -- actually, the opposite, asking for help or expecting compassion. I tend to project all my expectations onto myself and tell myself I should be able to handle this or that, and if I can't, I beat up myself hardly. It's been a hell of a journey for me to learn and to be able to reach out and ask for help in many different areas. It still is, but I try to do it when I really need.

I also had some serious learning curves to go through when younger in terms of perception. I used to think, or imagine (expect?) that everyone saw the wold like I did... had similar perceptions, ideas, interpretations... it was a very hard pill for me to swallow and a tough course to learn how different we are as individuals, on all sorts of levels. When I relate to people, I still typically and automatically "scan" for similarities, and recognize similarities first... and of course then I also often recognize that some of these are my own mental projections and not "out there". I've been wanting to "grow out" of this for a long time now, and it's hard. Also, because like you, often my automatic emotional reaction to recognizing that what I perceive are my projections is a negative one: disappointment, as you said. And then feeling alone and isolated. I've become immeasurably better with all this over time, through a lot of conscious self work, but it's still hard at times. I think a key aspect is what I said, that it gives rise to that (again, subjective) perception of aloneness. Loneliness. It's been always quite hard for me to mentally separate from someone with whom I convinced myself that we had a lot in common and/or we understood each-other very well. (But then I also learned detachment well, and early, because otherwise it would be just too painful.) This is also one of my most natural intense drives about relating: hoping to find a single soul who really sees me inside out, and what's better we do this mutually because I'm typically just as interested in select people as in myself. I never really expect this with little explanation or interaction though, on an intuitive basis, anymore. One reason why I like informative, in-depth analytical-introspective discussions so much, I guess. So, imagine therapy, for example... and having to accept that no matter how deep and personal we get, it's not truly a personal attachment. Well in some ways it is, but it isn't.

I often think these behaviors are related to how we got conditioned in our childhoods, what sort of expectations our environment put on us when we were in a very impressionable age. How we learned and managed to get attention as kids best. I, for example, grew up with a caregiver very close to me who always "rewarded" me for independent acts, for being tough, don't complain, learning from everything, carving out whatever I wanted from life. So, here I am: just like it was expected from me in childhood: expecting the same from me all the time. Trying to work on actually not being that way so much because I've learned to recognize how it limits and isolates me as an individual... trying to learn to be vulnerable or, more precisely, to show it...

Okay I'm really rambling here and digressing from your topic everywhere, but I will post it, perhaps there is something interesting in it.
Aellyce is offline  
Old 05-11-2015, 09:55 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
A Day at a Time
 
MIRecovery's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I have learned happiness is an inside job. Occasionally my close friends will ask me how I'm doing. The answer is always the same, "Fair to partly $hitty." Mother's day was hard thinking about my daughter being gone and never being a mother or the grand children that will never be.

Life is hard no doubt about it and I am truly sorry for your loss but we are here and our loved ones aren't.

What keeps me going is to think of the blessings I do have not the ones I don't

In reality there is nothing anyone can say or do that can fix the grief only I can do that for myself
MIRecovery is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:15 AM.