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Why I'm P!ssed at the Universe

Old 05-06-2015, 08:57 AM
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Why I'm P!ssed at the Universe

I'm 55 years old. I was married for 30 of those years. We had some good times and a whole lot of bad times. The last 5 years of the marriage were pure he!! and I tumbled into a severe depression (clinically diagnosed). I tried to commit suicide--and obviously failed.

I got divorced last year. I now a bit of freedom, but the alimony payments are sucking me dry. I met a woman who had also tried to commit suicide. We talked to each other a lot and got to be very good friends. I think of her as my girlfriend, even though we live 1500 miles apart.

What my girlfriend has gone through causes me to question the universe. It's obviously not a benevolent place, with all of the killing, maiming, famine, disease and other forms of destruction that are allowed in it.

Y'see, my girlfriend was raped when she was 11 years old. She got pregnant and damned near died. The only thing that saved her was the removal of her uterus, complete with fetus.

Just to make her life suck even more, her mom decided it would be cool to prostitute her. Guys lined up at the door to have a go. Best part was, her mom *watched* as my girlfriend was violated, over and over again. For several years. Mommy made a fair amount of scratch with this little business arrangement.

The real punchline in all of this was that one of the johns happened to be HIV-positive. So now my girlfriend lives with full-blown AIDS. She spends much of her time in hospitals, because a simple cold virus often causes her extreme illness. She's lucky to have two days in a row where she doesn't feel like absolute crap.

I heard from her this morning. I hear from her every morning...and afternoon, and night. Today, she's running a fever of 103.6 and is sitting in a crowded emergency room waiting to be seen. Of course, with our wonderful health care in this country, she's way past broke with all of the medical expenses she's rung up over the years. I'm sure glad her destitution has helped line the pockets of insurance company CEOs.

I don't want to sound like a whiner, but I have a genetic disease that has destroyed one of my kidneys and is working on eating up the remaining one. It also is hollowing out my lungs so my endurance is slowly going downhill.

Am I bitter? You goddamn betcha I'm bitter. I've had it with this foul universe and all of its suffering.
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Old 05-06-2015, 09:01 AM
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Sorry to hear about your troubles JD, sounds like a lot to deal with. Not sure exactly what you are seeking perhaps other than to simply vent, but i know that drinking won't solve any of these things.
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Old 05-06-2015, 09:02 AM
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Sounds like it's a good thing you removed alcohol from that mix.

I don't know that I would have the patience/courage/whatever it is that keeps you calling this woman your girlfriend...heck, just the 1500 miles alone would keep me from taking it past "friend." Sounds like a pretty awful story.

Your own illness will be better if you try to eliminate some of the stress you are putting on yourself. Drinking certainly would be a bad idea.

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Old 05-06-2015, 09:05 AM
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Hey JD, I'm sorry to hear of all the pain you and your girlfriend have had to deal with!!

I agree, the cards when they were dealt, can be very unequal indeed!!
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Old 05-06-2015, 09:25 AM
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Damn....

Both your story and your girlfriends are worse than the stories of my own life, so I'd be out of line to try and tell you how to focus on the goodness instead of the terrible.

That said, I have found in my life that during the worst of times, I've found peace and freedom and growth in finding the good things and letting them carry me through with a belief in life's gifts.

I've also heard, read and been exposed to many a story of people in far worse situations than my own echoing those same things.

Is there anything you might find in your life, or encourage your girlfriend to find in hers - that offers you hope and inspiration for gratitude?

May you both find more peaceful mindspace.....

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Old 05-06-2015, 09:26 AM
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That is an agonizing, horrifying and excruciatingly painful story. Your girlfriend's mother and every human being who violated, or allowed her to be violated, should be in prison; their actions are incomprehensible and reprehensible to say the very, very least.

Have you read the book "The Shack", JD? It may prove helpful to you; I read it twice and found it powerful; in a way, it changed the way I viewed many of the things I could not come to terms with in my life and in this world.

JD, you are adding goodness to the world, to this woman's life, through the support you offer to this woman's life. We can't control the vast majority of the events of the world but we can control what we add to this world. I hope that you can concentrate on, and find comfort, in the positive effect you have on the world.
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Old 05-06-2015, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by SoberLeigh View Post
That is an agonizing, horrifying and excruciatingly painful story. Your girlfriend's mother and every human being who violated, or allowed her to be violated, should be in prison; their actions are incomprehensible and reprehensible to say the very, very least.

Have you read the book "The Shack", JD? It may prove helpful to you; I read it twice and found it powerful; in a way, it changed the way I viewed many of the things I could not come to terms with in my life and in this world.

JD, you are adding goodness to the world, to this woman's life, through the support you offer to this woman's life. We can't control the vast majority of the events of the world but we can control what we add to this world. I hope that you can concentrate on, and find comfort, in the positive effect you have on the world.
P.S. - I am very sorry about your own illness, JD. Please take care of yourself and stay on top of your own doctor's appointments, tests and treatments.
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Old 05-06-2015, 10:43 AM
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You must be bringing comfort to your girlfriend JD, even from 1500 miles away.

How anyone can behave with such bestial depravity is beyond my comprehension.

I don't think anyone could blame you for drinking but for your girlfriends sake and your own I really hope you don't
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Old 05-06-2015, 11:33 AM
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So sorry to hear those problems JD. I can understand your bitterness completely. The thing is that being bitter about things is like punishing ourselves for something that we didn't do, as the only person it hurts is ourselves. It sounds like your girlfriends mother should have been punished for child abuse, profiteering, cruelty and neglect. I hope she was. But as justified as our resentments are, they carry a very real threat to our sobriety. Also, it takes up a huge amount of physical and emotional energy to be angry. Energy that can always be more positively focussed to improve our lives.

My experiences were by no means as harrowing as those of your girl friend, and I certainly don't want to make light of what happened to her. However, I carried the anger I felt for the sexual abuse against me as a teenager for almost 30 years before I realised that the only person it affected was me. I was making MY life worse by holding on to it. I decided that I still wasn't ready to forgive him myself, but as an AA 12-stepper, I was able to pass the responsibility for forgiveness (or not) over to my Higher Power. Since then my life has definitely improved. I don't mean that accepting what happened means that I'm saying that it was okay. Not by any means. More that I'm not going to punish myself by carrying around all that bitterness any more. I've got one life and I am choosing to live it. Sober. And happy. And trusting good people enough to have good and honest relationships with them.

I hope that you do find the serenity and happiness that you deserve, and that your bitterness subsides a little so that you can use your energy for your own health and for continuing to support your girlfriend emotionally.
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Old 05-06-2015, 11:37 AM
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Hang in there JD sometimes life can be cruel im really sorry about the situation

We cant let life beat us we go on your surrounded by friendship here JD hope you know that you can lean on us whenever you want

btw you dont look 55 i thought you were 38-40 shows how much i know lol
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Old 05-06-2015, 11:54 AM
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There are things in life that we will just never understand.

I'm really sorry about the suffering both of you have endured and are continuing to endure. Hopefully the connection you have with each other will be comforting to you both.
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Old 05-06-2015, 12:49 PM
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I appreciate your post. I think there is a difference between being a whiner and just breaking the silence around taboo subjects and I want to thank you for doing that. Sometimes it can really help to just speak our truths and really feel our anger. Feeling my anger and getting pissed off has been necessary in my healing process and a lot of people don't like that, they tell me to get off the pity pot , other people have it worse yAda yada. And while that's true, I can't get to forgiveNess and acceptance without first tapping into the dark stuff , I feel like that import peice of getting angry is often overlooked in western culture as part of a healthy Healing process. I'm sorry for what you and your girlfriend are going through
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Old 05-06-2015, 12:54 PM
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Glad you got it off your chest!

Sounds like the only thing that could make that situation worse would be a hangover...

I'm seriously sorry for both your girlfriend's situation and your own illness, but I'm glad you aren't drinking on top of it. It sucks, but if you only focus on the bad you're missing on. There's definitely more bad than good in this world, but there is still good.

I'm glad she has you to talk to and that you have her.. At least neither of you are going through life alone.
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Old 05-06-2015, 03:46 PM
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I'm so sorry,. Sometimes I read stories about other people's lives that make me cry.

The amazing thing about most of the people I meet with pasts like this is their lack of bitterness.

They recognize that having bads things happen to them doesn't make them bad - and that life can still be sweet,

I'm inspired by those people and their stories

D

Last edited by Dee74; 05-06-2015 at 04:58 PM.
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Old 05-06-2015, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by SoberLeigh View Post
JD, you are adding goodness to the world, to this woman's life, through the support you offer to this woman's life. We can't control the vast majority of the events of the world but we can control what we add to this world. I hope that you can concentrate on, and find comfort, in the positive effect you have on the world.
This is what is important, and worth focusing your time and energy on. Beautifully said, SoberLeigh.
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Old 05-07-2015, 08:11 AM
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JD: The universe is not entirely unfair or uncaring, since you are there, a part of it and supporting your friend. Despite the seeming indifference of reality there are those who care, who love. You are one of them. It is Springtime. The winter is past. May flowers bloom in your life and ease your aching heart.

W.
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Old 05-07-2015, 08:34 AM
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There is a lyric from a song and it goes like this "remember in this game we call life that no one said its fair". Sadly it is true, but some of us will take that challenge (like yourself), others won't. I applaud you.
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Old 05-07-2015, 03:51 PM
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JD , so sorry for your pain. Life can be cruel and some have to deal with more than their fair share , some don't get a chance at all.
It's good you posted about it , get it off your chest ,we are here to listen . Take care.
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Old 05-07-2015, 08:48 PM
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I'm so sorry. At least you and your girlfriend brighten each others lives!
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