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Old 04-28-2015, 11:13 AM
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To Marry or Not

I am a newcomer to the Recovery Forum. I have been in a committed relationship with an alcoholic female, 20 years younger. We have been seeing each other for 20 months. After 13 months of roller coaster relationship she admitted she is an alcoholic since the age of 13, now 34. She has been a binge drinker. She initiated recovery and has been sober for the last 7 months. She constantly brings up marriage in spite of telling me that she hates herself and reverting to name calling when things do not go her way. I love her dearly, and have seriously considered taking the plunge. But after the last verbal berating she leveled on me, I feel marriage is not wise and I certainly do not feel a coerced proposal is a positive step to future marriage. Am I naive for even considering to marry a recovering alcoholic who has only been sober for 7 months after a +20 year addiction? She says he is a Godly women and I am the one positive in her life, except for her children, that she can control. So this past weekend she ended our relationship until I decide to come to her on bended knee. Scared to death!
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Old 04-28-2015, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by ebostick View Post
I am a newcomer to the Recovery Forum. I have been in a committed relationship with an alcoholic female, 20 years younger. We have been seeing each other for 20 months. After 13 months of roller coaster relationship she admitted she is an alcoholic since the age of 13, now 34. She has been a binge drinker. She initiated recovery and has been sober for the last 7 months. She constantly brings up marriage in spite of telling me that she hates herself and reverting to name calling when things do not go her way. I love her dearly, and have seriously considered taking the plunge. But after the last verbal berating she leveled on me, I feel marriage is not wise and I certainly do not feel a coerced proposal is a positive step to future marriage. Am I naive for even considering to marry a recovering alcoholic who has only been sober for 7 months after a +20 year addiction? She says he is a Godly women and I am the one positive in her life, except for her children, that she can control. So this past weekend she ended our relationship until I decide to come to her on bended knee. Scared to death!
Hey ebo,

I hate to break this to you dude, she ended your relationship until you propose? Well if that is not coercion then I don't know. Recovering or not, she is manipulating you. That is no basis for a marriage or a relationship.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-28-2015, 11:21 AM
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she should be the one on her knees begging...

regardless of 'alcoholic' or not. anyone who continually berates me verbally is shown the door...

this 'woman' has a lot of growing up to do. I don't know your story, but maybe take some time off to figure out a few things.
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Old 04-28-2015, 11:22 AM
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The recovery from alcohol I don't think is the main issue here. The name calling and manipulation is. Why not read a little about "toxic relationships". Honestly I would stay far away from her
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Old 04-28-2015, 11:27 AM
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Sounds to me like any relationship between you needs to mature alongside the maturation of her sobriety.

The 20-year difference alone will be a monumental challenge.

What comes up for me is this; why is this woman and this relationship really special to you? What needs maturing in you? What about YOU allows you to even consider commitment to a turbulent relationship that brings you beration?

What about YOU needs healing and growth.

I'd focus on your own emotions and needs and let her focus on recovery and see where thAt leads
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Old 04-28-2015, 11:29 AM
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Do not let someone blackmail you into marriage. It is not fair to you for her to try to make you do something that you are not comfortable with. It shows a certain amount of controlling behavior as well. Marriage is not going to solve any problems, it will likely just cause more.
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Old 04-28-2015, 11:30 AM
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to SR. You will find a lot of support both here (newcomer forum) and also on the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Like Teebee, what concerns me is the name calling and manipulation. Verbal abuse is not OK I really hope that you do not crack and propose to her until she starts working on herself and learn to treat you with respect.
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Old 04-28-2015, 12:47 PM
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Yes, verbal abuse can happen to men too. Sounds like she is using manipulation to get what she wants .
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Old 04-28-2015, 01:00 PM
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There is lots of good advice in these responses. I hope that you find some peace.
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Old 04-28-2015, 01:08 PM
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You say she 'initiated recovery' but it sounds to me like there is still a lot of typically alcoholic behaviours running riot there. Is she in any kind of program or receiving support? If not, then it may be wise for her to seek some and get properly comfortable with herself and explore ideas about how to treat others in a loving way.

Are you in recovery as well?

If you do ask her to marry you now, it will be like you are giving her current behaviour the green light. Under those circumstanced I suspect that she will be very unlikely to change how she treats you.
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Old 04-28-2015, 01:36 PM
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Welcome Ebostick
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Old 04-28-2015, 01:42 PM
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I fell for the same thing you are currently presented with. The only difference is I was the alkie. Now I understand her motivation was financial and emotional security.

My opinion is heck no! Tell her not to let the door hit her on the way out.
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Old 04-28-2015, 01:57 PM
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=ebostick;5342841 But after the last verbal berating she leveled on me, I feel marriage is not wise and I certainly do not feel a coerced proposal is a positive step to future marriage.
Bingo!
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Old 04-28-2015, 02:06 PM
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Old 04-28-2015, 02:20 PM
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As a woman I do not like women who treat men that way. In my experience people who exhibit certain traits usually get worse over time. You come across as a nice person who is caring, and your description of her sounds like she is the opposite. I would move on, but that's just me.
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Old 04-28-2015, 02:23 PM
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Seven months is not long at all, especially in recovery. I think that the emotional abuse and manipulation would be deal breakers. Just because someone professes to be a Godly person doesn't mean that they act like Christians. That is manipulation.

If she has ended your relationship then, as hard as it might be, I would say to her thank you and have a nice life. You're 54. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life on a roller coaster? I'm right behind you at 50 with a husband who is 40 and I'm putting serious consideration into ending the ride. It isn't worth it. Trust me.
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Old 04-28-2015, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by ebostick View Post
So this past weekend she ended our relationship until I decide to come to her on bended knee. Scared to death!
Wait for her to come to you and apologize.

Constantly verbally abuse me, then give me an ultimatum of propose or break up? Really? Heck, I'd definitely choose the latter.

I don't know, but I'd say anyone who does that doesn't truly love you. And this is probably her on her best behaviour. Wait until she gets that ring on her finger, and see what a peach she becomes.
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Old 04-28-2015, 03:56 PM
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Hi RM

sounds to me like you deserve a lot better

D

Last edited by Dee74; 04-29-2015 at 03:40 PM.
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Old 04-29-2015, 08:43 AM
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Welcome to the Forum!!
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