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Won some battles, not sure about the war

Old 04-17-2015, 07:48 AM
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Won some battles, not sure about the war

Friday, day 12, going to AA for the fourth time in two weeks tonight.

This Sunday Im seeing my mom. I told her about AA last week (I believe my exact text was Lo and behold (), Ive just been to AA. Flipping my dead dad off for never having had the guts to do that!).

Turns out she had a complete breakdown after congratulating me, and what I consider an epic win on my part will be turned to yet another huge f-up in her mind.

I really, really want to drink on it. But I wont.
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:00 AM
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Hi Stella

I have a bit of a trying relationship with my mum too. You're doing a great job and I hope you're enjoying the meetings!

I've heard lots of amazing things in this forum and AA and one of the best ones is to protect your sobriety and set your boundaries. It's helping me with my family a lot. The phone calls are less stressful!
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:01 AM
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Perhaps you could have said, "Lo and behold (…), I’ve just been to AA," and left it at that.

What's done is done. Glad you aren't drinking over it. Is seeing your mom Sunday a good idea now?
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:07 AM
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Well I think it's up to you to prove to her how successful you can be at this. The last thing you should do is let her reaction derail you. She'll have a lot of baggage left from your father.

Off topic - I assume you speak Norwegian to your mother and I was wondering if there's a direct translation of 'Lo and behold'?
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:08 AM
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Look. You are sober. And you are on the road to recovery. Nothing is more important than that. If you can stay sober for 12 days, you can stay sober for 12 months - and for 12 years. Stay focused on your sobriety. The other stuff will work itself out. Maybe your relationship with Mom will heal. Maybe it won't. But I GUARANTEE that drinking will not help.

Next time you text your mom, try this: "Hi, Mom. Just wanted you to know that things are going better for me. I appreciate your support. And I love you."

As a parent, if I got a text like that from my adult child, I couldn't help but feel good about things.

Just a thought......
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:10 AM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
Perhaps you could have said, "Lo and behold (), Ive just been to AA," and left it at that.
My dad died a drunk, 20 years after she divorced him because of his violent drunken behaviour. She's afraid I'll turn out like him, which is why I thought it was a good idea to tell her.

I know she loves me, but she's very problem-oriented while I tend to focus on solutions.

...and my stepdad is changing my tyres this weekend, winter is finally starting to seem like a distant memory.
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:14 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Off topic - I assume you speak Norwegian to your mother and I was wondering if there's a direct translation of 'Lo and behold'?
Ha ha... My exact expression was "Dven dtte!". Pushed by the devil..? Something like that. Surprised and a little bewildered.
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:22 AM
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Thank you all. I'm an only child, and my mom is the most important person in my life. I know she suspected I was in trouble, guess it came as a shock to have it confirmed.

I'm surprised at the amount of people in AA who are ashamed to call themselves alcoholics. I didn't drink any more or less or differently after I realized I was an alcoholic, i just got a label for my disease. Same problem, but now with a support system. I think my mom's ashamed (not over me per se, but of the general stigma of it).

I think my mom will blame herself for this, but I'm ready to meet her and explain that this is all on me, and I'm doing good so far.
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Old 04-17-2015, 09:13 AM
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Congrats on day 12 Stella you can do this ((()))
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:46 AM
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Stella,

here's how it's supposed to go: day 11, day 12, day 13 and on and on, right?

you said that your dad didn't have the guts to join AA, but you have, so you have guts.

Guts come in real handy in a fight like this. Real handy

keep up the good work

You'll find a lot of support here.

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Old 04-17-2015, 01:45 PM
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Great job on Day 12 Stella!! Keep pushing through!!
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Old 04-17-2015, 02:03 PM
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I would just focus on you Stella.

To be honest I stopped giving a recovery commentary to people because I seemed only to agitate or worry them - I let my new self and my new way of life - and my self-evident happiness - do the 'talking'...that has worked out much better

D
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Old 04-17-2015, 05:03 PM
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When we told my dad that my first husband was in AA (a few months before we got married) he freaked, because the ONLY person he had ever personally known who went to AA went back to drinking and committed suicide.

My ex is now 35 years sober, and my dad is SOOO proud of him. He still doesn't "get" why he still goes to meetings, but he's learned not to question it.

My guess is that your mom was reacting out of fear of the alcoholism, and not out of any desire to put down your recovery. Give her a chance to get used to the idea, and my bet is that with continued sobriety, she'll be a believer.
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Old 04-17-2015, 05:21 PM
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Originally Posted by StellaPolaris View Post
Thank you all. I'm an only child, and my mom is the most important person in my life. I know she suspected I was in trouble, guess it came as a shock to have it confirmed. I'm surprised at the amount of people in AA who are ashamed to call themselves alcoholics. I didn't drink any more or less or differently after I realized I was an alcoholic, i just got a label for my disease. Same problem, but now with a support system. I think my mom's ashamed (not over me per se, but of the general stigma of it). I think my mom will blame herself for this, but I'm ready to meet her and explain that this is all on me, and I'm doing good so far.

I relate completely to everything you said here, I'm exactly the same - only child, my mum means the world to me, I had the same reaction to the term alcoholic, my mum blames herself.

My mums reaction to me going to AA was a bit like yours, although she definitely knew about my alcohol problem and has seen me in and out of hospital so wasn't a surprise, but I suspect she still thought it was all a matter of will power and when I really wanted to stop I just could.
So when I told her I'm going to AA she was a bit like 'oh...that's really good...' And was quite visibly upset,
then when I got back from my first meetings (2 in one day) and told her I really liked it and I think this will really help me, she went on and on about how surprised she was that I enjoyed it, thought the people would be scary, Etc
I go at least 4 times a week atm and she still thinks it's weird I think, and doesn't understand why I need to go still or why I can't just skip one if its raining/im in a good mood/she wants to catch up/etcetc
She's glad I'm sober, and I've told her this helps keep me sober, so beyond that we don't talk about it
I've stopped filling everyone in on my recovery too, like Dee said. 'Normal' people tend not to understand, so I just keep that to myself for the most part - and SR and AA of course!
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Old 04-17-2015, 05:28 PM
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I'm really glad that you're doing well and feeling good.

I was far too vulnerable in early recovery to tell anyone. I used all my energy on figuring out how to get through each day and how to deal with my emotions. Just focus on you and you'll be fine.
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