Hevyn

Hi TS

Such insightful responses here - I'll just add that you probably learned something valuable. I was so used to numbing myself each time I had a painful thought, I never learned to work through things. When I finally acknowledged that drinking never made anything better or easier, I was able to get free of it. We've fallen back on it for years, to help us cope - when in fact it just creates more anxiety and misery. I think you see that now. Glad you wanted to talk things over - you're dong great.

TennantSmith

Thank you, Hevyn. I actually read some early posts you wrote today. You have a lot of insight as well.

resolute50

You came back here.
So you are learning to react differently now to alcohol.
It is a learning process. Almost like you need to rewire your brain processors.

I too fell a few times before I put some sober time behind me.
I do know the only real failure is giving up trying. And you clearly have not done that.
Keep pushing forward and don't look behind.
I learned to break the rear view mirror off and keep driving forward.

Latte

My personal experience was that guilt got me nowhere and living in the past drove me back in to using/drinking.

I'm glad you were able to stop and think-that shows that you have grown. We want to see this as black and white, and in that picture-success or failure but truly, every day we are above ground is a success! There are two days we can never change, yesterday and tomorrow.

I'll be thinking of you.

Ruby2

Hi TS, I hope you're feeling better today. I loved what Jayne04 posted and can't say better. I just wanted to say hang in there.

firstymer

TennantSmith, like you, I felt like a failure. So I drank. And then I REALLY felt like a failure. So I drank more. And so it went. For, oh, about 20 years.

Once I finally got some sobriety under my belt, I slowly began to feel like less of a failure. And the longer I have stayed sober, the more I have accomplished, and the better I feel about myself.

Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.

ArtFriend

Oh, I can relate to this so much. I am also a writer who suffered a tragic childhood and my self esteem is in the toilet. I felt like a failure many times, drank over it, felt worse than before, rinse and repeat. It is not enough for people to tell you that you are OK and that you have achieved thus and so. YOU have to BELIEVE it yourself. And therein lies the problem. Drinking can only steal more of your self-esteem and you don't have much to give. It is a chicken and egg scenario. If you wait for self-esteem to come to you externally, then you will continue to seek it. It has to come from within and you have to believe in yourself. Then as you get your balance, you will start doing things that will validate you externally.

JaneLane

So many good things that have got me thinking!

The drinking to deal with disappointment in myself for drinking has been such a big cycle in my life. Even on this third day sober, I do feel a sense of pride in these three days and for the effort I'm putting into this amended recovery plan.

I really appreciate this place and everyone who contributes :-)

Chuck39

TS thank you for your honesty and sharing your struggle ... I have to believe after a million day ones myself that it will eventually click. From your posts here alone I can tell you are a good writer. You might have heard of or read Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp ... if not, I highly recommend it. If you feel you have nothing to write about, that book might change your mind. You have overcome a very difficult beginning, are working through a challenging middle, and seem genuinely hopeful for a brighter future. I would read that inspiring story.

Bmac

As I said in another post, probably can be said here as well; Failing at something is not failure. Failure is giving up on yourself and not trying.

TennantSmith

Thank you!! I'm doing well today. I am famished because I can't eat until late tomorrow afternoon after the biopsies. I keep spying the taco picante wraps in the kitchen and want to say "forget it" lol. But I know, as usual, these yearly biopsies are beneficial. If only we could have steak....

My AV likes to makes his opinion known. It's becoming quite a broken record: Once a week. That's nothing. You're fine.

Today, I answered back. Yes, BUT!! You add nothing to my life. Even if i succumb once a week, you always take something away. So shut up and let me be.

Maybe I'm losing my mind. I suspect more that I'm finally finding peace.

Ruby2

Good luck tomorrow TS. Break that broken record and toss it in the bin. It's great that you talked back to it. I still sometimes say "stop!" out loud. If just because hearing it gives it more power.

mecanix

Hi TS ,
As far as i know you can get and read the big book of AA online and also delivered through online book retailers who deliver in discrete packaging.

Not that i'm an expert but i think the basics of the program are covered in the book

Sorry you had an emotional curve ball, it happens to us sometimes , you'll be wiser to it next time i hope and will consider and find a better way of dealing with it than the knee jerk reaction to drink it away .

Keep on, m

JaneLane

I'm not sure where you live TS but I have shopped online with AA several times and it's discreet packaging and arrives quickly. I got my Big Book sent to me through here:

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/shop/Categories

Also if you go to the main site, you can read the big book online for free :-)