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I'm an idiot

Old 04-12-2015, 08:23 AM
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I'm an idiot

I was doing well. I had my plan. I had my weekend completely packed with fun activities. I had posted here.

And then I went out last night and drank. I left early because something clicked and I was sick of it all. I came home, slept, and woke up this morning tired but without a hangover. But I am ashamed.

In reality, not drinking isn't hard. It really isn't. I don't mean to downplay it. I only speak of myself. I don't get physical cravings or withdrawals that cause me to crave a drink to feel better. It's all mental. Every bit of it.

I got my daughters ready for prom. We had music playing, I even did my hair and makeup. I felt pretty. It was beautiful out and the day was perfect. We took off for pictures.

And the sadness hit. I watched my beautiful daughters posing with their dates and friends. I watched the other parents with their spouses, holding hands, laughing. I stood there alone. I was suddenly in the past and it hurt.

I never had prom. I joked and laughed about it. I had nothing resembling a normal teenage life. I was in survival mode the whole time. Dealing with abuse, poverty, being homeless. While most teens were preparing for graduation and prom, I was living in a small room at a homeless shelter with my mom.

I am so happy that my girls have the normal life. Prom, friends, being involved in activities, etc. But right now, it also serves to highlight how much I lacked and sometimes, I get pissed. Never at them, but at my own life.

So I drank. And I knew better. I read posts here, I paced around. I sat alone for a bit, thinking things over. I worked to talk myself out of it. I felt the familiar sadness that comes when I know I am going to drink. I played through the whole familiar scenario: drink, not have fun, come home alone, wake up full of shame.

I drank anyway because I'm stupid.

I'm making more progress with myself now than ever. Yet, about once a week or so, I get tired of dealing with it all and I drink. And it never helps. I know this before I start. I know this!!

I'm not going to go out and drink again. Something happened last night that hasn't happened before. It was almost as if I was outside of myself, watching. And I realized how much sadder the alcohol made me. I saw all of my goals and plans being wiped away if I continue. I am going to run a half marathon. I'm going to get in shape, inside and out. I have absolutely everything in place that I need to do this. I just have to do it.

The one thing that always goes through my head is this: "People experience pain every day. People lose things. People get upset. Angry. Sad. But not everyone drinks or uses to deal with it"

I'm sorry if I'm a broken record. I'm not trying to be. I also don't want to be a liar on here.

There was one point when I was at the bar, I had been there about an hour. I almost left. I knew then I didn't want to be there. But I stayed. At one point, my other daughter and her two friends stopped in to talk to my friend about a babysitting job. I was drinking water at that point. That's when I almost left. It hit me, as I watched them leave to go to their friends house, there is more life out there than inside the bar. A whole huge beautiful life.

What in the world is it going to take for me to feel as if I deserve it?

I feel like a failure every single day. I graduated college and haven't found a job. I don't have a car. I'm single. Every single bit of this is due to my drinking.

I have a lot of work to do. I have all of the time in the world to do it. By not drinking every day, I get to know myself sober more than not. I'm not that horrible of a person. I see glimpses of what I am capable of. I have to stop making excuses.

I called an A.A. group and explained I don't have a car. The meeting is so far away, there are no rides available. So I utilize other recovery methods: SMART, SR, I ordered Under the Influence because I've heard such good things about it. I'm getting into counseling once school is out so that I have more access to my daughters' car.

I'm not letting last night ruin the progress I've been making. But I am also going to recognize that I'm not perfect and need to do more work. As I wrote in a previous post, when I drink, I don't allow myself to heal the way I should. Instead I cause the hurts to fester.

I failed. I'm sorry.
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Old 04-12-2015, 08:26 AM
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I had five days sober, and then up and drank. I felt terrible. I too had a plan in action and didn't follow it. Someone said to me on here 'tweak your plan and try try again!! You can do it!'.
And you can! Just get back up, dust yourself off, and work your plan!
See where in the plan you went wrong, and work on improving it.
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Old 04-12-2015, 08:35 AM
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"In reality, not drinking isn't hard. It really isn't. I don't mean to downplay it. I only speak of myself. I don't get physical cravings or withdrawals that cause me to crave a drink to feel better. It's all mental. Every bit of it. "

Uhm..... that's exactly what makes it hard.

And that's exactly why without clear actions to embrace sobriety as a preferred opportunity, we wind up falling back into the drink when we don't really want to.

It's simple.... but that doesn't mean it's not hard.

My suggestion is to not call yourself an idiot. Self-beration and shame have never supported anyone's sobriety.

Recognize the patterns, recognize that you must still need to shift some things.... understand what those things may be for you... and carry on with a renewed focus on sobriety.

You're not an idiot... you're a human dealing with a pattern of addiction.

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Old 04-12-2015, 08:37 AM
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I don't think it's the mistakes we make that define us. What's important is how we deal with them that makes us who we are. Getting and staying sober is a learning process. You made a mistake, you learned from it, now you are stronger that you were before and a step closer to being the person you want to me. John
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Old 04-12-2015, 08:38 AM
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Thank you, Para. I know exactly where I went wrong. I should have reached out for help like I have in the past. Called a friend to talk, come on here to chat, etc. I decided not to.

Stupid as it is, I walked in the bar last night and the bartender mentioned she hadn't seen me in a while. I told her I was not drinking anymore because I have a problem with it. I then calmly sat down and ordered a beer. She just stared at me. I stared back. I wanted to sob. I chugged the beer instead. I didn't get drunk last night. I didn't make a fool of myself. I even had one person remark how quiet I was. I had nothing to say. So I left and came home.

I read so many stories here of people who've achieved sobriety. I read them a lot. I read them to know that people do get and stay sober. People do rebuild their lives. There is no reason that I cannot do the same.

I have so much to offer and I'm a scared, small woman. I am a writer. I have been asked by numerous people to write a book. I've had short stories published but know it's time to dive in and do this. I don't because I feel as if I have nothing to say. My sister said to continue to journal. My book is in there and I'll find it.

What is the saying? "That thing that never leaves you, that wakes you up, that makes your heart beat faster? That is your passion. Pursue it" For me, that is writing this book. I only stop myself because I feel as if I haven't achieved anything great enough to warrant writing about. I'm my own worst critic.

I'm scared. I won't lie. I'm scared that I'll never stop and wake up one day and realize I wasted my entire life. I'm the only one who can change that. I have the power to make my life better. There is NO reason it can't. It's just up to me wanting it badly enough.
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Old 04-12-2015, 08:38 AM
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A well written post TennantSmith. Very explanatory of your circumstances. You know, what you did was stupid, but you're not stupid. Just hurting.

You have a lot of positivity going for yourself. There are many ways into a sober lifestyle. You'll have plenty of friends too. Why not?

I don't think its so much you failed to stay quit. Its more like you succeeded in having some drinks. Try looking at with that kind of attitude and you'll likely understand that you'll always succeed at most whatever you really put your mind too.

Don't give up. Sobriety really does work well enough to have a completely new chance at living.
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Old 04-12-2015, 08:43 AM
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You're not an idiot and you're here and wanting to pick yourself up and try again. Nothing idiotic about that!

It's good you've identified what didn't work for you last time. Keep building on your recovery plan and keep working it. I've relapsed many times and the one thing separating me from my family with drug and alcohol addictions is that I keep trying. I change whatever didn't work, and i start again. There's no shame in it.

With regards to your book, be patient and it might just come! In early sobriety my head was far too foggy to even think that far ahead. Just give yourself time to heal and be patient with yourself.
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Old 04-12-2015, 08:58 AM
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Thank you for the responses everyone. They do help. I had a big reply typed out but the computer decided to eat it, ha.

So short and sweet, your words help. They really do. Thank you.
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Old 04-12-2015, 08:59 AM
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There is no failure in life, only experiences that move us closer to our higher self. The Universe provides a nudge here and there to move us in a different direction, using both good experiences and not so good ones to do so.

Love you TS! Head up today. There is growth opportunity in painful situations.
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Old 04-12-2015, 09:10 AM
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One thing I always remember being told a few years back was "You are not unique and your experiences aren't that special" Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, I argued against that and tried to justify why my life was so much different than everyone else, why I was so special. I special'd myself into a year and a half of extreme binge drinking. I then woke up one day and realized I couldn't keep that up. so I tapered off. And here I am now.

It's only been very recently that I understood exactly what those words meant and how powerful they are. He wasn't trying to insult me. He was trying to help. I hope one day I can see him again to tell him he did help. I just take a long time admitting it sometimes.

Honestly though, if drinking truly was the cure all we want it to be, the whole world would be alcoholics.
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Old 04-12-2015, 09:25 AM
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One great thing about this site is the amount of empathy. We've all been there before TS, know exactly what it feels like. If we can do it you can do.

The only advice I can give you is take things one day at a time. Even if it feels like tomorrow won't come if you don't drink, assure yourself it will.
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Old 04-12-2015, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by TennantSmith View Post
What in the world is it going to take for me to feel as if I deserve it?
Ah yes, this is the big question. I had self-defeating behaviours like you are talking about. I sabotaged myself multiple times when I was trying to stop drinking. And, ultimately, it came down to this - how do I make myself believe that I deserve a good life? It seemed impossible, and yet, I only had to shift my thinking. Yes, I deserve a good life, of course I do, we all do. Believe in yourself.
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Old 04-12-2015, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by TennantSmith View Post

In reality, not drinking isn't hard. It really isn't. I don't mean to downplay it. I only speak of myself. I don't get physical cravings or withdrawals that cause me to crave a drink to feel better. It's all mental. Every bit of it.







So I drank.
You are right, not drinking isn't hard at all. It's the wanting to not drink that is the hard part. Once people understand that, the rest is just showing up and making a few changes in how they get through their day.
Or possibly they need to make major changes. Regardless of the situation, or whatever life circumstances may haunt you, the only thing that is going to keep you from drinking is making the decision to not drink. All of that 'do whatever it takes' and 'all you need to change is everything' nonsense means nothing if you have not yet made the decision to quit. Like you said, it's really very simple.

_________________________________________________

On the other hand, it MUST be hard if you think it is easy yet cannot do it.

Maybe? It really is a choice.
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Old 04-12-2015, 09:40 AM
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You are NOT stupid and you are NOT a failure. I just read your post. A young woman who grew up under extremely difficult circumstances, and managed to go to college and raise children lovingly and provide them with important things. That is not failure.

The only reason you should be sad is because you are sabotaging your chances at the happy life you deserve because of alcohol. We are all unique and special. Those of us who endured difficult childhoods have to learn to love ourselves. I am guilty too of getting uncomfortable when things are good, in my childhood that usually preceded something bad.

I think there is also a shift when our children grow up and begin to live independently, our roles shift and that is an adjustment.

No sober alcoholic has had the luxury to skate through life blithely. All of us who get and remain sober do so because we had to face our demons, take ourselves apart, and put ourselves back together again. Strangely, I think that is why we hear the term "grateful alcoholic". I think that it enhances our humanness, I know I feel like a much richer person because of what I have been through.

I have read your posts in the past, you have a lot to say. I think the tragedy would be in not giving yourself the chance to say it. I believe sobriety is a series of small personal choices all of us make every day. People with long term sobriety have simply been making those choices longer. It gets so much easier I promise!
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Old 04-12-2015, 09:52 AM
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Thank you everyone. There is so much wisdom, and yes empathy, in this community.

As for the remark about taking ourselves apart and putting it all back together, that resonates with me so much. I've said so often over the past couple of years "Sometimes, I just wish I could turn myself inside out, shake it all off, and start fresh"

This is my chance to do just that.

One big change that has happened over the past few months is my openness to God. I find myself praying more, I find myself admitting I cannot do this alone, I find myself being more thankful. I will never jump back into full fledged religion. There are too many areas of organized religion that I cannot accept. However, I do accept the concept of God. I find peace with that.

One issue I have is being so isolated. I've been working from home for almost 3 years. I'm done with school. I don't have a vehicle currently. I've toyed around with the idea of going to church with my daughters, partly for the social outlet and also because I do like their new pastor. I find that I do better when I'm involved. I remember, while in school, during the last semester, we talked a lot about self-care. The professor said "Isolation is dangerous because it can lead to addiction, depression, and other problem behaviors" This has proven very true in my life. I need to build a life that doesn't only leave the bar as my social outlet.

Again, thank you everyone. This has really helped.
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Old 04-12-2015, 10:29 AM
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There is such wonderful advice here TS. I don't have the great wisdom of others who have posted, but just want you to know that I am another woman with daughters and I can understand what you are going through. We can do this together!
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Old 04-12-2015, 11:05 AM
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Go at things again, tweak your plan and you'll get there!!
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Old 04-12-2015, 03:11 PM
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This is a really great thread

You have some great insight yourself, and wonderful advice here TS.

Use it to make a new and improved plan - then always use that plan, reach out for help when needed, and you'll be ok

D
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Old 04-12-2015, 03:13 PM
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Dee, most definitely. I already identified the biggest issue yesterday: I isolated instead of reaching out. Now that I'm aware of that, I can actively work on it. When I reach out, I do better.
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Old 04-12-2015, 03:34 PM
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I have a silly little mental thing that gets me past an urge sometimes. I feel so good on days when I wake up clear-headed and hangover-free--and so guilty and anxious and ashamed on days where I drank the day before--that I've started thinking of alcohol as "depression juice." When I start thinking I'd like to have a drink, I ask myself "Now why would you want to drink depression juice?" None of the relaxation or numbing or social lubrication that depression juice provides me is worth the day-after shame that I deal with.
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