Shamefulforlife, Welcome to the site.
This thread is eight months old and the original poster hasn't been here since April.
There is a lot of support here for you - maybe you could post your story in a new thread in the Newcomers section?
There is a way out. Keep reading on this site and keep talking to us, we care and hope you start your recovery today.
The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.
~ Isak Dinesen