sortthingsout

I desperately need to sort my life out before I lose everything. Coke ruins the person I am and I hate who I've become. I denied I was an addict as I only used once or twice a week but I can't go out without it and I can't stop when I am out. I run away from who I am and it's a way forget all my problems and stress - something which means I've now spiralled down into the hole I am now in. My nose is a mess, I've wasted so much money, I've missed days at work in the job i killed myself to get and I'm losing my friends. Most of all I'm desperately unhappy - I was anyway but being an addict has only increased my self loathing. I try to go out without i can't seem to have the willpower and I used to be so strong. It's all I can think about. I want to change and I don't want to be like this. I used to be so healthy, driven and hardworking - a person I was proud to be- and now it feels like I'll never get back there.

Latte

Hi there! Welcome to SR.

I've been doing this dance for awhile-gosh, it started in 2005.

What finally worked for me? A stint in inpatient rehab, giving up my family and starting over again. I use AVRT after many tries at AA/NA. I'm in the camp of "whatever works to keep you clean and sober" so take that for what it is worth.

There are so many options these days-it takes a lot of work to stay quit-that is where I struggled the most. Today I put up road blocks to using. I take a medication to block the affects of my DOC, I am either working hard or playing hard and I eat and sleep when I need to. I don't just lie around-it doesn't work for me. When I have a bunch of free time, it's Shennanigans!

I can't tell you every single step to take-but being here will help you-I've been around for years and it's only in the last year + that I've really understood what sobriety is.

Pull up a chair, heat up some decaf tea and read. This is an amazing place, full of amazing people.

MidnightBlue

Hi, Sortthingsout.

Welcome to SR!

You've made the first step finding this site and reaching out for help.

You want to change your life - and that's what matters.

Did your check SR part about substance abuse? I am sure members there will give you lots of useful advice where to start and where to turn for help to.

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Stay strong.

Keep posting.

sortthingsout

Thanks very much! I really hope I can turn it around, guess admitting I have a problem is the first thing. Still just very tough and feel quite hopeless right now. Nice to know I'm not alone and there are other people who have been here and got through it. You're all amazing and I hope one day I will be the one able to help others.

MidnightBlue

Lots of us been there - feeling hopeless. And lots managed to turn the life around - so you can do too. Take one day at time. And though it's tough - never give up. It will get better.

FeelingGreat

Welcome sort, you'll get plenty of support here. I suggest you seek professional help firstly, and see if you can find a program that suits you.

You're motivated now, but add to your drive by reading as much as you can about the harm that coke can do to your brain and body. I found it helpful when I was quitting alcohol.

I also suggest you stop going out for now, as it seems to be a trigger you can't resist. Tell your friends you're taking some time off for your health.

kzaug2014

Hi STO,
I think the advice given by Latte is spot on!
I'm a drug addict too ( done every type of drug known to man for over 30yrs. )
I went to rehab last Aug. 2014 & it helped me out immensely. Coming here to SR has also helped me more than I can say ( I've come here everyday since I've joined. )

Welcome & you will find so much support here when you seek it ( & after you've been here awhile, support starts coming to you, even when you don't seek it. )

Soberwolf

Welcome Sortthingsout its nice to meet you

sortthingsout

Thanks so much all of you, means a lot that you have all taken the time to reply to me and I'm not alone. I spent so long lying to myself that I didn't have a problem, I just liked having a good time and was just the life soul of the party. But as everything else in my life got more stressful - my job is high stress and I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was about 14 - my nights out started getting crazier. I was taking more drugs and staying out on my own after my friends had had enough. They started to get fed up of my wildness and I felt worse and worse about taking the drugs and the way I was behaving. I started to hate the person I had become even more and the only thing that have me an escape from the misery was more drugs- although the comedowns got worse. I tried to go out without anything last night, but all I was thinking about is where I would get some. I looked back through my phone records to find my dealers number which I had deleted and then snuck off to pick up. Of course the night out went downhill from there and it ended up being 4pm the next day with my family and friends calling wondering what had happened to me. When I got home my dad said I looked like the living dead woke up. I'm so ashamed I couldn't even manage one night and I feel like I'm such a disappointment and let down to my family and friends. I need to turn this around before I ruin my job and lose them all. I just want to be happy.

Bmac

Sounds like you are convinced that this needs to stop. GREAT! That's the first big step. Now comes the work. You need to have a plan on what you are going to do over the next week or two to get some clean time under your belt so that you can clear away a few cobwebs and start building a foundation for what will be your new life. Any thoughts about a short term plan to stay clean?

biminiblue

Happiness (and sobriety) are an inside job.

We did it, and so can you.

We're glad you're here. There is a lot of wisdom and info here, please look around and keep posting!

Welcome!

sortthingsout

I've been honest with my family and they say I can stay with them away from the city every weekend. If I can avoid going out that will be a major factor in keeping away. I'm seeing a counsellor and have started writing on here - I'm hoping the inspiration from all of you will help carry me through, particularly when I feel weak and have had an awful day. Thanks so much again to you all for writing to me

Ninjaturtle

Hello. Stick around!

Anna

I think that denial and self-loathing are very often part of addiction. Most of us have dealt with those negative issues. The good news is that you accept you have a problem and are willing to work on it. You will begin to feel better about yourself and your life. Seeing a counsellor is a good idea and changing your lifestyle habits on the weekend is also a good thing. I do hope you continue to read and post here.

Dee74

Welcome to SR STO

D

sortthingsout

Thanks again everyone..I woke up again today feeling awful, I'd had such an avid dream of using again I was full of guilt as I woke up. It took me a few minutes to realize it wasn't true and I had stuck to being clean so far. There is light at the end of the tunnel. From reading on here it's reassuring that every day is an achievement and that means that's another day down. It's going to be tough but I want to do this.

FreeOwl

There were a few years where I too descended into cocaine addiction. Alongside my other addictions, coke was an intensely powerful drug of isolation and escape.

I had to change up my routines, I had to avoid going where I knew I could score, hanging with people I knew would be holding, and had to change my patterns to fill the times and mindset with alternatives.

I also wound up moving to another country where I had no ties to any of that scene and where that drug was rare. But, had that not been the case I was successful for several months in cutting it out of my life by changing my habits and making a choice to leave cocaine behind.

A couple years ago in Vegas I was in a drunken bender and scored some coke from a cabbie. I holed up alone in a hotel doing it until it was gone.... I missed work and got paranoid and anxious and, frankly, terrified. I'll never touch that stuff again. I'm grateful I escaped it with my life and health intact.

You can do it... Get support, change your habits. It's so much better without!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Sortthingsout!!

BlindsidedBetty

I know "not going out" for awhile probably sounds super scary. You are probably young, and "everyone" you know "goes out." When you really get serious about your sobriety, you will realize this need to "go out" is an allusion, and if you need to "not go out" to achieve sobriety, you will stay in only safe places. Not forever. But until you can regain control. Get a sober plan, a real one, and stick to it. Gym, libraries, house projects, visiting family, volunteer work, staying late at office, showing up early...whatever it takes. What's your plan? 'Cause "going out" and white knuckling is not a plan.

BlindsidedBetty

Sortthingout, just saw your last post about telling your family! Sorry, I missed that with last post. That's a good first step in your plan! Congratulations, you ARE taking this more serious than I first read. Best wishes for a healthy new start. You will feel physically better in a few days, but it's the "head" you will have to work hardest on.