Relaxing on the couch...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 275
Relaxing on the couch...
...surrounded by self help books, pinterest motivational quotes, health plans, and a freaking glass of wine. Sure, I've been "successfully moderating" the crap out of this problem. Actually, that's not true at all. I have been setting "quit date" after "quit date", making haphazard plan after plan. I have been making sure I only buy enough to get a light buzz so that it feels like I'm moderating. I'm not moderating. I'm drinking. And I would drink tons more if situations allowed. Being buzzed is not the outcome I'm looking for. I want to be drunk. I want to get rid of all my responsibilities and just drink into oblivion. "I just need one night" I tell myself. Then I'd be ready to give it all up. But I know that's not true. I'm secretly struggling so badly right now and that's not easy to admit. Even to a bunch of strangers. It's baffling how easy it is to get back to this place after 8 months sober last year and how hard it is to get back to where I was. And it's so easy to know the right thing to do, and so impossibly hard to implement . I started my 8+ months sober on Easter last year. Hoping to start a few days earlier this year. Procrastination is my middle name in almost every aspect of my life. I honestly don't have much hope for myself at this point. Needed to vent. Finishing my glass of wine (3 of 3) and headed to bed. In tears... again.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
When it comes to drinking, I can relate to people who are able to moderate about as well as I can to those who careen down and off a ski jump in the Olympics or who win Nobel prizes in astrophysics or who can carve a human likeness out of marble.
Moderation isn't in our composition. It's the slow, always-insufficient feeding of that part of us that always wants more and always makes us feel like hell when its demands go unfulfilled.
You don't have to feel this way, PNM. But declaring it "impossibly hard" isn't where you start. Putting down the drink permanently is.
I think you're braving in sharing what you wrote. How about using that bravery to take, as Scott suggested, drastic measures. You can do this. You really can.
Moderation isn't in our composition. It's the slow, always-insufficient feeding of that part of us that always wants more and always makes us feel like hell when its demands go unfulfilled.
You don't have to feel this way, PNM. But declaring it "impossibly hard" isn't where you start. Putting down the drink permanently is.
I think you're braving in sharing what you wrote. How about using that bravery to take, as Scott suggested, drastic measures. You can do this. You really can.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Pinot,
Your story is just like mine. I was sober for nearly a year and relapsed bad. At first, I was 'moderating' -- two or three drinks per night (still unhealthy), but I was constantly obsessed with it. I just wanted to get drunk. At some point I got drunk, then drank again and again. One morning, I had a hangover and there was a glass of wine on my bedside table that I did not drink before I passed out, so I drank it to get over my hangover. That was the exact moment I turned into a day drinker.
At some point, you will stop moderating and it will get worse. I really did a marvelous job of convincing myself that I was okay and I was a normal drinker who was moderating.
I just wanted to thank you for your unabashed honesty. Gosh, I can really relate to what you wrote. I was very tempted today. I just wanted to get drunk; the buzz wasn't enough
Your story is just like mine. I was sober for nearly a year and relapsed bad. At first, I was 'moderating' -- two or three drinks per night (still unhealthy), but I was constantly obsessed with it. I just wanted to get drunk. At some point I got drunk, then drank again and again. One morning, I had a hangover and there was a glass of wine on my bedside table that I did not drink before I passed out, so I drank it to get over my hangover. That was the exact moment I turned into a day drinker.
At some point, you will stop moderating and it will get worse. I really did a marvelous job of convincing myself that I was okay and I was a normal drinker who was moderating.
I just wanted to thank you for your unabashed honesty. Gosh, I can really relate to what you wrote. I was very tempted today. I just wanted to get drunk; the buzz wasn't enough
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Pinot, moderation never worked for me. In most aspects of my life i just don't have an "off button". I had 9 months sober in 2013; when i first found SR but didn't have enough courage to become a member...
Figured i could moderate, which turned into drinking around the clock for the next 11 months. Seems like every relapse get worse and worse...
I'm back on day 264 now.
My point is that you do have the power in you to beat this. I had to completely give in to being sober, 110%. To want to be sober more than wanting to drink.
Knowing that every drink i selfishly took for me, was a piece of myself that I was taking away from my kids... with each little piece adding up every day i drank.
I followed your posts in the past and know you have the strength to make this happen if you truly want it. You can do this, you have proven that.
I can only speak for me, but my life is so much brighter when I'm sober.
You know we are here for you whenever you need.
You can turn today into a successful day 1!
Figured i could moderate, which turned into drinking around the clock for the next 11 months. Seems like every relapse get worse and worse...
I'm back on day 264 now.
My point is that you do have the power in you to beat this. I had to completely give in to being sober, 110%. To want to be sober more than wanting to drink.
Knowing that every drink i selfishly took for me, was a piece of myself that I was taking away from my kids... with each little piece adding up every day i drank.
I followed your posts in the past and know you have the strength to make this happen if you truly want it. You can do this, you have proven that.
I can only speak for me, but my life is so much brighter when I'm sober.
You know we are here for you whenever you need.
You can turn today into a successful day 1!
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Pinot ,
there was no relaxation with alcohol involved in my life.
It was always a struggle and it always bought about misery.
There is no moderation for me just more stress, tears and wasted life.
By the end i was always asking myself how many more days, weeks or years am i willing to try and give over just so i can try and be a "happy" drinker …
After 20 years of trying, i don't want to spend another wasted moment worrying about alcohol .
Alcohol is miserable , drinking is miserable .
It's a new day tomorrow and we get to try and do it right
Bestwishes, m
there was no relaxation with alcohol involved in my life.
It was always a struggle and it always bought about misery.
There is no moderation for me just more stress, tears and wasted life.
By the end i was always asking myself how many more days, weeks or years am i willing to try and give over just so i can try and be a "happy" drinker …
After 20 years of trying, i don't want to spend another wasted moment worrying about alcohol .
Alcohol is miserable , drinking is miserable .
It's a new day tomorrow and we get to try and do it right
Bestwishes, m
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by PinotNOmore 
I honestly don't have much hope for myself at this point. Needed to vent. Finishing my glass of wine (3 of 3) and headed to bed. In tears... again.
What I hope you can escape are the chains of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
Originally Posted by PinotNOmore
...surrounded by self help books, pinterest motivational quotes, health plans, and a freaking glass of wine. Finishing my glass of wine (3 of 3) and headed to bed. In tears... again.
One of the things you need to think about is what is going through your head when you buy the wine, opening the bottle, pouring that glass, as well as imbibing. It is critical you recognize why you're picking up to achieve sobriety. The next step you need to do when you find yourself thinking about doing any of these is to make yourself do something else.
You need a plan to deal with cravings. What are you willing to do to keep yourself sober? If you find yourself in the mood to pour a glass of wine, why not go for a walk? Go somewhere where you won't be around the wine? Go to the movie theatre and watch a movie?
Like what Scott mentioned, if you continue to get yourself sober, looking into more intensive treatment options may be highly beneficial.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Like Dee said. We have to give it our all. You can do this.
As we know, quitting and detoxing is brutal, but the real work starts after that. It's not as painful, but it's something that we need work at everyday.
As we know, quitting and detoxing is brutal, but the real work starts after that. It's not as painful, but it's something that we need work at everyday.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
"Successfully moderating" is an oxymoron for us. The minute I believed that my journey to freedom began.
I too appreciate your honesty & courage to share exactly where you're at. It will serve you well in recovery. You've done it once. You're strong enough & worthy enough to do it again. I believe in you.
I too appreciate your honesty & courage to share exactly where you're at. It will serve you well in recovery. You've done it once. You're strong enough & worthy enough to do it again. I believe in you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 291
I have been sober for a little over two months, so not a long time, but a very long time for me....
sobriety takes up a lot of space in my head, yes.....but not near as much as drinking -- trying to moderate -- trying to hide my drinking problem -- and all the work to "maintain"
and the payoff for sobriety is peace, health, possibilities, and a general overall feeling of goodness.....
the payoff for drinking???? well, pretty much the exact opposite
You have done this before, you can do it again, think about how good those sober mornings felt...
Hugs, Trish
sobriety takes up a lot of space in my head, yes.....but not near as much as drinking -- trying to moderate -- trying to hide my drinking problem -- and all the work to "maintain"
and the payoff for sobriety is peace, health, possibilities, and a general overall feeling of goodness.....
the payoff for drinking???? well, pretty much the exact opposite
You have done this before, you can do it again, think about how good those sober mornings felt...
Hugs, Trish
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
yes; i have old diary entries just like your post. can't quit, keep going back. want oblivion, or is it obliteration. want to be rid of all responsibilities.
underneath all that, somewhere, i wanted none of those things. what i really wanted and was convincing myself i could never have was to not want to obliterate and be available to my responsibilities.
i kept drowning that want because it was too hard. seemed that way, anyways.
knowing responsibilities are also opportunities, and being able to "discharge" them, deal with them, get over the need/want to run from them.....a great gift sobriety has given me.
comfortable? no. but doable and it gets easier as time goes on. and it feels wonderful.
hm.
"doing" responsibilities is much more freeing than getting rid of them.
who knew?
not me when i was drinking.
you can do this, Pinot.
your honestly seeing will help you.
if you want it.
underneath all that, somewhere, i wanted none of those things. what i really wanted and was convincing myself i could never have was to not want to obliterate and be available to my responsibilities.
i kept drowning that want because it was too hard. seemed that way, anyways.
knowing responsibilities are also opportunities, and being able to "discharge" them, deal with them, get over the need/want to run from them.....a great gift sobriety has given me.
comfortable? no. but doable and it gets easier as time goes on. and it feels wonderful.
hm.
"doing" responsibilities is much more freeing than getting rid of them.
who knew?
not me when i was drinking.
you can do this, Pinot.
your honestly seeing will help you.
if you want it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you for all your responses! I read every one and I truly appreciate the advice and well wishes. I've spent the entire day cooped up inside feeling foggy (either from the wine or the crying or both) trying to figure out what to do. What a waste of a beautiful Saturday! I know I'll get this figured out. I have to!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Pouncer
At some point, you will stop moderating and it will get worse.
Exactly.
That's how it happened for me.
5 months sober....
A few months 'moderating'
A year and a half of declining life and not and more booze in secret l, in isolation, terrifyingly out of control.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Yep.
Exactly.
That's how it happened for me.
5 months sober....
A few months 'moderating'
A year and a half of declining life and not and more booze in secret l, in isolation, terrifyingly out of control.
Exactly.
That's how it happened for me.
5 months sober....
A few months 'moderating'
A year and a half of declining life and not and more booze in secret l, in isolation, terrifyingly out of control.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
of course you deserve it...
and actually - unless and until you're quitting for you, it's not likely to last.
Start a list of all the ways YOU benefit from sobriety.
The more I do that, the more I focus on all the benefits of living sober... not even the negatives or the avoidance - just the pure and powerful GOODNESS of being a sober human being - the easier it becomes to continue choosing sobriety and seeing alcohol as something that simply isn't consistent with how I want to live.
You can do it.
and actually - unless and until you're quitting for you, it's not likely to last.
Start a list of all the ways YOU benefit from sobriety.
The more I do that, the more I focus on all the benefits of living sober... not even the negatives or the avoidance - just the pure and powerful GOODNESS of being a sober human being - the easier it becomes to continue choosing sobriety and seeing alcohol as something that simply isn't consistent with how I want to live.
You can do it.
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