Facing Reality
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by betterthiings 
lessgravity
I am working on the plan now. Part of it is to see a professional, as part of my problem is that due to being high functioning while still obviously alcoholic not everyone sees my drinking as being as big a problem as it is. That is only because they're not there at 3am in the morning when I have my head in the toilet, which is not conduct that should go into your 20s, let alone your 40s. So far I have been pretty lucky that alcohol hasn't done more damage to my body and my life (and yes, it has already done its fair share), but I'm now at an age where if I don't stop I won't make old bones.
From past experiences, the things that work well for me include:
1. keeping a diary and tracking progress;
2. avoiding business lunches or choosing venues that are not centered around a wine list;
3. one or both of dedicating time every day to playing a musical instrument or to mediation;
4. running;
5. drinking LOTS of tea and using the tea ritual to replace the wine ritual;
6. making sure I'm not the last person in the house to turn in at night;
7. being disciplined about getting at least 6 hours of sleep every night - and staying in bed even during the insomnia phases (during which SR is an awesome place to frequent, read, be inspired by and feel connected to people who really understand as only an addict can).
I am disappointed because I thought that - this time - I really had managed the moderation thing and could lead a normal life. However, it keeps leading back here and as I said earlier, if I don't stop now I can be pretty sure what is going to kill me. I do NOT want to be reopening this thread in 1, 3, 5 years or ever again.
I am working on the plan now. Part of it is to see a professional, as part of my problem is that due to being high functioning while still obviously alcoholic not everyone sees my drinking as being as big a problem as it is. That is only because they're not there at 3am in the morning when I have my head in the toilet, which is not conduct that should go into your 20s, let alone your 40s. So far I have been pretty lucky that alcohol hasn't done more damage to my body and my life (and yes, it has already done its fair share), but I'm now at an age where if I don't stop I won't make old bones.
From past experiences, the things that work well for me include:
1. keeping a diary and tracking progress;
2. avoiding business lunches or choosing venues that are not centered around a wine list;
3. one or both of dedicating time every day to playing a musical instrument or to mediation;
4. running;
5. drinking LOTS of tea and using the tea ritual to replace the wine ritual;
6. making sure I'm not the last person in the house to turn in at night;
7. being disciplined about getting at least 6 hours of sleep every night - and staying in bed even during the insomnia phases (during which SR is an awesome place to frequent, read, be inspired by and feel connected to people who really understand as only an addict can).
I am disappointed because I thought that - this time - I really had managed the moderation thing and could lead a normal life. However, it keeps leading back here and as I said earlier, if I don't stop now I can be pretty sure what is going to kill me. I do NOT want to be reopening this thread in 1, 3, 5 years or ever again.
I've given up, finally, on any concept of "moderation" myself. A fool's game really - people without a drinking addiction wouldn't even know what that all means, yet here on these boards the concept of "moderation" comes up again and again - often with people falling off just like you and me.
Here's to finally becoming the men we were meant to be. I know I can't ever be that person, without being sober.
Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 13
Welcome
Originally Posted by betterthiings
I am in my early 40s and have been a heavy drinker since I was 18.
Alcoholism hasn't stopped me getting three university degrees and having a successful career as a senior partner in a professional services firm. But it is slowly killing me I think.
The ability to function while hungover has allowed me to hide from the truth for a very, very long time. But the truth is that almost every day I drink at lunch and almost every night I drink a bottle of wine and about half a bottle of Armagnac. And just about every second week I have at least one serious binge, that usually commences with a boozy lunch and ends with some memory loss.
Almost every morning I wake feeling very sick from a hangover and take codeine and pseudoephedrine to "manage" the symptoms and allow me to function.
I first admitted to myself that I had a serious problem around 6 years ago, after I was admitted to hospital after drinking myself senseless at a work Christmas party. I managed my drinking much better for a while, but it is out of control again now.
I joined these forums in 2012 when things were spiraling out of control again on the booze (and at that time marijuana) front, and again I tidied up for a while.
I have a wonderful wife and gorgeous kids and it is long past time I grew up and kicked my addiction to alcohol. Having a cellar with a few thousand bottles of very expensive Italian and French wine doesn't help, but I'm not sure I'm cut out to be that civilized chap who can enjoy a glass over dinner and leave it at that.
Anyway, this time I've decided to emerge from the shadows and share my journey publicly (albeit anonymously), to encourage me and make me feel a sense of accountability. Thanks in advance for the support and I'll let you know how I go. Hoping this post will be a turning point I can look back on and that I never have another hangover.
Alcoholism hasn't stopped me getting three university degrees and having a successful career as a senior partner in a professional services firm. But it is slowly killing me I think.
The ability to function while hungover has allowed me to hide from the truth for a very, very long time. But the truth is that almost every day I drink at lunch and almost every night I drink a bottle of wine and about half a bottle of Armagnac. And just about every second week I have at least one serious binge, that usually commences with a boozy lunch and ends with some memory loss.
Almost every morning I wake feeling very sick from a hangover and take codeine and pseudoephedrine to "manage" the symptoms and allow me to function.
I first admitted to myself that I had a serious problem around 6 years ago, after I was admitted to hospital after drinking myself senseless at a work Christmas party. I managed my drinking much better for a while, but it is out of control again now.
I joined these forums in 2012 when things were spiraling out of control again on the booze (and at that time marijuana) front, and again I tidied up for a while.
I have a wonderful wife and gorgeous kids and it is long past time I grew up and kicked my addiction to alcohol. Having a cellar with a few thousand bottles of very expensive Italian and French wine doesn't help, but I'm not sure I'm cut out to be that civilized chap who can enjoy a glass over dinner and leave it at that.
Anyway, this time I've decided to emerge from the shadows and share my journey publicly (albeit anonymously), to encourage me and make me feel a sense of accountability. Thanks in advance for the support and I'll let you know how I go. Hoping this post will be a turning point I can look back on and that I never have another hangover.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 65
I was born during WWII and educated in Boston / Cambridge Mass. when education focused on the humanities, which it doesn’t today, the humanities engenders critical thinking skills.
Most would not believe my business success, as it has been said, truth is stranger than fiction.
I’ve rubbed elbows with some of the most famous people in history, in the arts, business and science. I could drop names and yes, I’m a name dropper, but the difference between me and many name droppers, is that I’ve had close relationships with some of these people, some others, I wouldn’t give you 2 cents for. My crown jewel in that day (I thought) was being married to a trophy wife movie star, recording artist. My life at that time was based on money, property, and prestige(materialism), which is an outside job that along with alcohol kept fixing my insides that was riddled with shame, guilt and I’m not enough-ism, that is until it stopped working and then I was in deep trouble.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with my deep trouble, and discovered the 12 Step Model which is self-examination. I took the steps and got sober. At those meetings I saw some of the same famous people I’d rubbed elbows with for years, including some of the ones I wouldn’t have given 2 cents years before, but I ended-up liking them. What I learned in AA, I attempted to pass-on to others, but not just alcoholics, I pass it on in all my affairs.
Today I'm not so prone to do the material outside world, but do my insides where life happens. As it states in the Alcoholics Anonymous text, in the Spiritual Experience, are the most powerful words I have experience in my life, I quote “With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness." There were members then and today and I know some, that are not religious, some are atheist or agnostic that have also tapped an unsuspected inner resource”.
Most would not believe my business success, as it has been said, truth is stranger than fiction.
I’ve rubbed elbows with some of the most famous people in history, in the arts, business and science. I could drop names and yes, I’m a name dropper, but the difference between me and many name droppers, is that I’ve had close relationships with some of these people, some others, I wouldn’t give you 2 cents for. My crown jewel in that day (I thought) was being married to a trophy wife movie star, recording artist. My life at that time was based on money, property, and prestige(materialism), which is an outside job that along with alcohol kept fixing my insides that was riddled with shame, guilt and I’m not enough-ism, that is until it stopped working and then I was in deep trouble.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with my deep trouble, and discovered the 12 Step Model which is self-examination. I took the steps and got sober. At those meetings I saw some of the same famous people I’d rubbed elbows with for years, including some of the ones I wouldn’t have given 2 cents years before, but I ended-up liking them. What I learned in AA, I attempted to pass-on to others, but not just alcoholics, I pass it on in all my affairs.
Today I'm not so prone to do the material outside world, but do my insides where life happens. As it states in the Alcoholics Anonymous text, in the Spiritual Experience, are the most powerful words I have experience in my life, I quote “With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness." There were members then and today and I know some, that are not religious, some are atheist or agnostic that have also tapped an unsuspected inner resource”.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 65
betterthiings writes>>>Alcoholism hasn't stopped me getting three university degrees and having a successful career as a senior partner in a professional services firm. But it is slowly killing me I think. <<<
I was born during WWII and educated in Boston / Cambridge Mass. when education focused on the humanities, which it doesn’t today, the humanities engenders critical thinking skills.
Most would not believe my business success, as it has been said, truth is stranger than fiction.
I’ve rubbed elbows with some of the most famous people in history, in the arts, business and science. I could drop names and yes, I’m a name dropper, but the difference between me and many name droppers, is that I’ve had close relationships with some of these people, some others, I wouldn’t give you 2 cents for. My crown jewel in that day (I thought) was being married to a trophy wife movie star, recording artist. My life at that time was based on money, property, and prestige(materialism), which is an outside job that along with alcohol kept fixing my insides that was riddled with shame, guilt and I’m not enough-ism, that is until it stopped working and then I was in deep trouble.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with my deep trouble, and discovered the 12 Step Model which is self-examination. I took the steps and got sober. At those meetings I saw some of the same famous people I’d rubbed elbows with for years, including some of the ones I wouldn’t have given 2 cents for years before, but I ended-up liking them. What I learned in AA, I attempted to pass-on to others, but not just alcoholics, I pass it on in all my affairs.
Today I'm not so prone to do the material outside world, but do my insides, where life happens. As it states in the Alcoholics Anonymous text, in the Spiritual Experience, are the most powerful words I have experience in my life, “an unsuspected inner resource” I quote “With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness." There were members then and today and I know some, that are not religious, some are atheist or agnostic that have also tapped “an unsuspected inner resource”.
I was born during WWII and educated in Boston / Cambridge Mass. when education focused on the humanities, which it doesn’t today, the humanities engenders critical thinking skills.
Most would not believe my business success, as it has been said, truth is stranger than fiction.
I’ve rubbed elbows with some of the most famous people in history, in the arts, business and science. I could drop names and yes, I’m a name dropper, but the difference between me and many name droppers, is that I’ve had close relationships with some of these people, some others, I wouldn’t give you 2 cents for. My crown jewel in that day (I thought) was being married to a trophy wife movie star, recording artist. My life at that time was based on money, property, and prestige(materialism), which is an outside job that along with alcohol kept fixing my insides that was riddled with shame, guilt and I’m not enough-ism, that is until it stopped working and then I was in deep trouble.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with my deep trouble, and discovered the 12 Step Model which is self-examination. I took the steps and got sober. At those meetings I saw some of the same famous people I’d rubbed elbows with for years, including some of the ones I wouldn’t have given 2 cents for years before, but I ended-up liking them. What I learned in AA, I attempted to pass-on to others, but not just alcoholics, I pass it on in all my affairs.
Today I'm not so prone to do the material outside world, but do my insides, where life happens. As it states in the Alcoholics Anonymous text, in the Spiritual Experience, are the most powerful words I have experience in my life, “an unsuspected inner resource” I quote “With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness." There were members then and today and I know some, that are not religious, some are atheist or agnostic that have also tapped “an unsuspected inner resource”.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Bullwinkle1944
betterthiings writes>>>Alcoholism hasn't stopped me getting three university degrees and having a successful career as a senior partner in a professional services firm. But it is slowly killing me I think. <<<
I was born during WWII and educated in Boston / Cambridge Mass. when education focused on the humanities, which it doesn’t today, the humanities engenders critical thinking skills.
Most would not believe my business success, as it has been said, truth is stranger than fiction.
I’ve rubbed elbows with some of the most famous people in history, in the arts, business and science. I could drop names and yes, I’m a name dropper, but the difference between me and many name droppers, is that I’ve had close relationships with some of these people, some others, I wouldn’t give you 2 cents for. My crown jewel in that day (I thought) was being married to a trophy wife movie star, recording artist. My life at that time was based on money, property, and prestige(materialism), which is an outside job that along with alcohol kept fixing my insides that was riddled with shame, guilt and I’m not enough-ism, that is until it stopped working and then I was in deep trouble.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with my deep trouble, and discovered the 12 Step Model which is self-examination. I took the steps and got sober. At those meetings I saw some of the same famous people I’d rubbed elbows with for years, including some of the ones I wouldn’t have given 2 cents for years before, but I ended-up liking them. What I learned in AA, I attempted to pass-on to others, but not just alcoholics, I pass it on in all my affairs.
Today I'm not so prone to do the material outside world, but do my insides, where life happens. As it states in the Alcoholics Anonymous text, in the Spiritual Experience, are the most powerful words I have experience in my life, “an unsuspected inner resource” I quote “With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness." There were members then and today and I know some, that are not religious, some are atheist or agnostic that have also tapped “an unsuspected inner resource”.
I was born during WWII and educated in Boston / Cambridge Mass. when education focused on the humanities, which it doesn’t today, the humanities engenders critical thinking skills.
Most would not believe my business success, as it has been said, truth is stranger than fiction.
I’ve rubbed elbows with some of the most famous people in history, in the arts, business and science. I could drop names and yes, I’m a name dropper, but the difference between me and many name droppers, is that I’ve had close relationships with some of these people, some others, I wouldn’t give you 2 cents for. My crown jewel in that day (I thought) was being married to a trophy wife movie star, recording artist. My life at that time was based on money, property, and prestige(materialism), which is an outside job that along with alcohol kept fixing my insides that was riddled with shame, guilt and I’m not enough-ism, that is until it stopped working and then I was in deep trouble.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with my deep trouble, and discovered the 12 Step Model which is self-examination. I took the steps and got sober. At those meetings I saw some of the same famous people I’d rubbed elbows with for years, including some of the ones I wouldn’t have given 2 cents for years before, but I ended-up liking them. What I learned in AA, I attempted to pass-on to others, but not just alcoholics, I pass it on in all my affairs.
Today I'm not so prone to do the material outside world, but do my insides, where life happens. As it states in the Alcoholics Anonymous text, in the Spiritual Experience, are the most powerful words I have experience in my life, “an unsuspected inner resource” I quote “With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness." There were members then and today and I know some, that are not religious, some are atheist or agnostic that have also tapped “an unsuspected inner resource”.
In sobriety I did the things I used to go on about when drinking. Not all panned out but that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that I tried. No mid-life crisis for me,
I recall maybe six years of so into sobriety when my life had picked up and I went on an extended holiday. There I was bitching about this or that when it dawned on me: I got what I wanted (job-related) and here I was whining.
To be sure sobriety is more than simply putting down the bottle. Although everything else is irreverent if you don`t.
But the one thing I have never forgotten in sobriety is where my life was when I joined AA. Because no matter how I spin things I can never convince myself that whatever is going on (read: U.S. financial meltdown in 2008) my life isn`t much better today than when I was drinking especially the last few years.
My problems today are all of a quality nature and a direct result of being sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 16
I just checked in to look at the date.
Going well here. Got to a point where counting days wasn’t motivating anymore, but I see it’s approaching 10 months sober. My life is so much clearer without drugs and alcohol and it’s amazing to reflect on how quickly it can get better just by abstaining.
This site has been incredibly motivating and given me a sense of shared understanding with a group of beautiful people struggling with the same ordeal. I can’t believe I joined in 2012 and it’s really taken this long to feel properly on track, but to anyone out there reading this, don’t give up on yourself.
For me alcohol involved constant hangover cycles, bouts of behaving like a ********, propensity to combine with other drugs, sometimes being angry for no good reason and being unavailable for friends, family and colleagues sometimes due to intoxication. Sober I am so much more empathetic and now realise what a ******** I can be when on the drink and how hurtful my behaviour has been to other people at times.
Thank you SR and I’m going to keep checking in from time to time and reminding myself how much physical and emotional pain I caused myself by poisoning myself every day and how lucky I am to have been able to escape.
Having usually only logged into SR feeling sick, embarrassed and wanting change, it’s nice to be able to return with some good time separating me from the bad times. After over 20 years of destructive binging it’s amazing being free. Keep going everyone... it’s incredibly difficult at the start and dealing with the emotions of failure when you slip up, but just keep trying because you can do it and enjoy the profoundly liberating experience of not drinking poison every day.
Going well here. Got to a point where counting days wasn’t motivating anymore, but I see it’s approaching 10 months sober. My life is so much clearer without drugs and alcohol and it’s amazing to reflect on how quickly it can get better just by abstaining.
This site has been incredibly motivating and given me a sense of shared understanding with a group of beautiful people struggling with the same ordeal. I can’t believe I joined in 2012 and it’s really taken this long to feel properly on track, but to anyone out there reading this, don’t give up on yourself.
For me alcohol involved constant hangover cycles, bouts of behaving like a ********, propensity to combine with other drugs, sometimes being angry for no good reason and being unavailable for friends, family and colleagues sometimes due to intoxication. Sober I am so much more empathetic and now realise what a ******** I can be when on the drink and how hurtful my behaviour has been to other people at times.
Thank you SR and I’m going to keep checking in from time to time and reminding myself how much physical and emotional pain I caused myself by poisoning myself every day and how lucky I am to have been able to escape.
Having usually only logged into SR feeling sick, embarrassed and wanting change, it’s nice to be able to return with some good time separating me from the bad times. After over 20 years of destructive binging it’s amazing being free. Keep going everyone... it’s incredibly difficult at the start and dealing with the emotions of failure when you slip up, but just keep trying because you can do it and enjoy the profoundly liberating experience of not drinking poison every day.
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