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Old 02-14-2015, 04:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Caved after 5 days


I hate to post this but I gave in and drank yesterday after not putting myself in a good position again. I had 5 total days. I'd had two days at a funeral viewing and the funeral was yesterday for my aunt and her husband. I was talking to my friend who I had lunch with the other day, throughout the day. I had her debit card from the other afternoon at lunch, because I went into the store for her when she was intoxicated and accidentally kept it.

Well she was at a bar so after driving two hours I met her and her husband there to give it back and like a dummy ordered a coke because she wanted me to stay and hang out. Well I gave into my discomfort and ordered a drink and it was off from there. I stayed up the whole night but thankfully didn't try and get more this morning and risk driving. Managed to sleep for a few hours this afternoon.

I'm so distraught I gave in and will have to start over. I have two freelance creative opportunities that I needed to work on and I can't focus at all now. My gf of 2.5 years left after a couple months ago after pleading with me for years to stop. It's valentines, she's with someone else and I just feel so low about it all mostly my shame at myself.

I'm trying hard not to feel sorry for myself and just try again, hang out here and read posts. I really thought i'd hit enough of a bottom with everything that I've lost this go round to make it stick. Thanks for listening.
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Old 02-14-2015, 04:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Glad you came back. "Hitting a bottom" is generally only a temporary motivation to quit...because the sting goes away, and you can always find a lower bottom yet.

Were you following any kind of formal sobriety plan or treatment? If so can you change or add to it?
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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It is possible to stop, but you have to be so vigilant against the creep of alcoholism. It is always easy to just have one and then justify the next 10.

They only way to stop is not to pick up in the first case. I have to continually ask myself what else do I need to loose before I give it up.

It does not happen overnight, but one day at a time. I would say that the more people you meet who are also sober the easier it is to pick up the phone rather than a drink. I love SR. and Aa for exactly those reasons.
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Don't let it depress you. Dust yourself off and start again. Progress not perfection. I spent a year getting it right. I"m just up in Norcross, BTW.
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi Simplex. I'm sorry for the frustration you're feeling right now. Been there many times.

When we finally realize (and believe in our heart) that drinking isn't going to do a thing to help us - we can stop looking at it as a way to cope. It does nothing but make things more miserable, sadder, and hopeless. It took me many years to get that. Sometimes we need further proof that it is not an answer - I hope you learned something valuable from this and are now ready to reclaim your sober life. We know you can.
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A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

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Old 02-14-2015, 05:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You can stop this now and never have to feel this way again.

You learned something in this relapse, about people and places. That's a good thing.
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I feel your pain Simplex, I am alone on Valentines day too. But I know there are no problems that drinking can't make worse. Hop back on the wagon, the waters fine.
peace-Jonathan
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Cool What question?

truth.
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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What kind of recovery plan did you have simplex? can you add to it?

D
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Trachemys That's neat I'm actually up in Kennesaw now my Mom lives in Norcross. Small world.

Thank you for the replies they're helping keep me out of a funk that I could easily fall into.

My plan that I was using was using this site primarily and journalling a lot each day about what I was feeling and thinking. Going back and looking at how hard day 1 was and day 2 etc, it was motivation to keep going. Also listing the things I'd lost helped, but like Scott says, I suppose there is always a lower bottom.

I don't so much have a formal plan. I did start medication to clear up some of the early anxiety and started a long term anxiety/anti depressant. I know a little about each program and tried to practice things I've heard along the way from AVRT, and AA, and Lifering. But in a way I guess that's just me doing it alone?
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Life has a glass floor, there is always a lower low, the trick Is learn from this low and use it as a motivational tool too look back on when or if you feel in a similar mindset next time.
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I had to fall down many, many times before I finally understood that I could not take one drink. The people on SR made me realize that I had to get up and try again and I did and it's working. You can do this and beating yourself up won't help. I found that the self loathing made me want to drink.
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:44 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Very small world. I lived in Mayretta twice.

But it's a big world, too. Right now, there are over 145,000 members of Sober Recovery. There are close to 300 online, right now. You never have to be alone in this.
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Old 02-14-2015, 06:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone. I am getting the thoughts, "well you drank yesterday anyway and it's still the weekend you can stop Sunday." or "You can't put any time together so why kid yourself?" I don't get how if I know these thoughts are wrong they can have such an affect on me. I know they're wrong I see people who are doing it.
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Old 02-14-2015, 06:27 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by simplex View Post
Thanks everyone. I am getting the thoughts, "well you drank yesterday anyway and it's still the weekend you can stop Sunday." or "You can't put any time together so why kid yourself?" I don't get how if I know these thoughts are wrong they can have such an affect on me. I know they're wrong I see people who are doing it.
They are just thoughts remember. They will go away. How you act on them is the key. And also remember you have just started over, or reset your clock so to speak, so your body and mind are a bit out of whack from the recent drinking.

Early on, surrounding yourself with support ( like you are doing right now by being here by the way ) at all times is key. It's a lot easier to stay sober when you are with sober people, right?
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Old 02-14-2015, 06:43 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I would most definitely read on addictive voice recognition. Sounds like your AV is loud, and learning to differentiate it from your own voice could help you.
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Old 02-14-2015, 07:14 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Thanks Patman I thought I had read about it but I didn't realize it was so in depth. I'd just read enough to understand the idea of the AV but not how to practice countering it or actually coming up with some action to counter it.

I'm reading all about it now it's really interesting and makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you for the suggestion.
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Old 02-14-2015, 07:21 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Know thy enemy... Knowledge is power. It is when I really started learning and understanding AV and alcoholism that I finally felt empowered. We are here. Use us as much as you need.
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Old 02-14-2015, 08:01 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I've thought all of that stuff so many times it's almost comical in a way. Like literally probably thousands of times over the past 10 years.

That's gonna be a new part of my plan is to look over it daily and practice it daily along with the other things I was doing. The toolbox thing makes more sense now actually having some, ya know, tools lol.

I saw in another post I forget who it was but the importance of exercise too. That might be a good thing to add as a tool too maybe? Would that be considered a tool if it's not directly recovery related?
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Old 02-14-2015, 08:08 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Anything that helps is a tool!
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What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
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