A Complicated Situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
A Complicated Situation
Well here's one, I'd be interested to know what people think about this…
This is something I wanted to 'stay out of' for the most part, it's become a huge part of my problems though. I'd really appreciate some thoughts. The house that I grew up in, 'the family home' as it has become known as actually belongs to my aunty here. Its in her name, and she has been paying the mortgage on it since day dot, and still does every month - it's a large payment. My mother is living there, along with my brother. It's a big 5 bedroom house, 2 sitting rooms, a bit of privacy etc. My aunty had always planned to retire there, of course my parents have split up since (not before time either), and use is made to feel unwelcome there, as am I now (which I can expand on). The original court order for access to my kid is at that address and he still goes there, even though they hate me and have sold me out for a few beans and (yeah thats not good) more to the point to further their plot, which is what this post is about.
The father is barred from there as he cannot control his temper around my mother and for that I wouldn't blame him either. I was staying there after I took my OD, the mother didn't want me there because of the money she owes me and because I don't agree with what they are doing though I never voice that or forced it on anyone, I would just go out for a smoke when they would be taking all that. I had no money and waited there patiently for the money I am owed for 1 year, it was a gas-lighting scene and eventually I ended up back on the booze, I snapped and broke a plate - bingo! They got me barred from the pace too and locked up for a while. This was part of my mothers plan all along as she knows exactly what I she is doing (she is evil man, I dont know another way to describe her).
Basically what they are looking to do is looking to take the house from my aunty legally. They won't discuss with it her, the feel they are entitled to it. This has got the aunty stressed out now, and I'm living with her as I would be homeless otherwise, but consequently she hates my mother too which is not good for me either. The house we are in here is in a student estate, its basically student accommodation and it is poor at that. And I'm not from this town, I came from the hospital to the homeless shelter, and she showed up and offered me a place to stay. I've always got on with her but like, we are chalk and cheese as far as life experience is concerned.
So we are here now, we both have responsibilities and try to do the right things but are living like paupers, while my mother and brother who have no responsibilities and have never done anything decent for anyone are living it up at our expense. They have done up the house a lot the past few years, its likely thats where my savings have went. I don't really have a position on this other than I felt it was wrong what their plan is, there is enough room for everyone to live there the problem is that my mother is afraid of my aunty in the same way a vampire is afraid of the cross in movies - I assume. And now its juts a really bad scene man that my life has been destroyed in the middle of it. It's gonna destroy my aunties life as well, needless to say the fathers is too but. All my earthly possessions are there too, not that it matters much but I have nothing now.
What do people think of all that??? What would you do if you are in my position??? I know I'm supposed to rise above it, and there is no other way because I have only damaged myself by trying to think like them and I have lost my relationship with God which was all I had in the first place, it's all I needed. It's a F'n bad scene though and has caused awful destruction.
Whats your thoughts??? Let me know. Thanks
This is something I wanted to 'stay out of' for the most part, it's become a huge part of my problems though. I'd really appreciate some thoughts. The house that I grew up in, 'the family home' as it has become known as actually belongs to my aunty here. Its in her name, and she has been paying the mortgage on it since day dot, and still does every month - it's a large payment. My mother is living there, along with my brother. It's a big 5 bedroom house, 2 sitting rooms, a bit of privacy etc. My aunty had always planned to retire there, of course my parents have split up since (not before time either), and use is made to feel unwelcome there, as am I now (which I can expand on). The original court order for access to my kid is at that address and he still goes there, even though they hate me and have sold me out for a few beans and (yeah thats not good) more to the point to further their plot, which is what this post is about.
The father is barred from there as he cannot control his temper around my mother and for that I wouldn't blame him either. I was staying there after I took my OD, the mother didn't want me there because of the money she owes me and because I don't agree with what they are doing though I never voice that or forced it on anyone, I would just go out for a smoke when they would be taking all that. I had no money and waited there patiently for the money I am owed for 1 year, it was a gas-lighting scene and eventually I ended up back on the booze, I snapped and broke a plate - bingo! They got me barred from the pace too and locked up for a while. This was part of my mothers plan all along as she knows exactly what I she is doing (she is evil man, I dont know another way to describe her).
Basically what they are looking to do is looking to take the house from my aunty legally. They won't discuss with it her, the feel they are entitled to it. This has got the aunty stressed out now, and I'm living with her as I would be homeless otherwise, but consequently she hates my mother too which is not good for me either. The house we are in here is in a student estate, its basically student accommodation and it is poor at that. And I'm not from this town, I came from the hospital to the homeless shelter, and she showed up and offered me a place to stay. I've always got on with her but like, we are chalk and cheese as far as life experience is concerned.
So we are here now, we both have responsibilities and try to do the right things but are living like paupers, while my mother and brother who have no responsibilities and have never done anything decent for anyone are living it up at our expense. They have done up the house a lot the past few years, its likely thats where my savings have went. I don't really have a position on this other than I felt it was wrong what their plan is, there is enough room for everyone to live there the problem is that my mother is afraid of my aunty in the same way a vampire is afraid of the cross in movies - I assume. And now its juts a really bad scene man that my life has been destroyed in the middle of it. It's gonna destroy my aunties life as well, needless to say the fathers is too but. All my earthly possessions are there too, not that it matters much but I have nothing now.
What do people think of all that??? What would you do if you are in my position??? I know I'm supposed to rise above it, and there is no other way because I have only damaged myself by trying to think like them and I have lost my relationship with God which was all I had in the first place, it's all I needed. It's a F'n bad scene though and has caused awful destruction.
Whats your thoughts??? Let me know. Thanks
Last edited by Dee74; 01-29-2015 at 01:55 PM.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Stratman, I'd get all adventurous and go explore the rest of the world. Leave that tangled mess behind.
It doesn't make sense that your aunt isn't allowed to occupy the house that's in her name and that she's been paying the mortgage on??
It doesn't make sense that your aunt isn't allowed to occupy the house that's in her name and that she's been paying the mortgage on??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Hey Flyn, yeah man thats not an option and I did for years actually subconsciously.
I'm firm about my sobriety. I suppose what I'm asking is who do people agree with…
My mother or my aunty??? They both think the house belongs to them.
I don't know, I was all like
about it.
I wonder how it will play out.
I'm firm about my sobriety. I suppose what I'm asking is who do people agree with…
My mother or my aunty??? They both think the house belongs to them.
I don't know, I was all like
about it.I wonder how it will play out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Whether someone thinks they are "entitled" is irrelevant, the legal owner trumps everyone else, land registry in Ireland can quickly clear up the situation, plus the bank the mortgage is with won't want anyone disrupting things, they want their money payed like clockwork, they won't be interested in family disputes, only that they'll get their money back.
Don't stress over it and don't drink over it!!
Don't stress over it and don't drink over it!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
No stress for me about it at this stage Purpleknight, the aunty is though. I have to agree with you, and it's not like my mother doesn't have other options. She has a partner who lives alone, plus she would likely be accommodated by the council her and the brother otherwise. So there is no moral dilemma for me, they are just viewing it as an asset that they may be able to get their greedy hands on and the human cost involved doesn't come into it for them. This has been proven without a doubt. This whole 'family home' business is a facade to say the least, living in that house was always a nightmare for all of us. But my mother has divided the family up in her quest for this house, she has promised my siblings a utopia as long as they no longer communicate with the rest of us! Its totally F'd up...
Hey Jennie I'd be lying if that idea has not been calling me. Theres 2 major problems though. Number 1 is my kid: I had resigned myself to the idea that I wouldn't be able to see the world until he was older, yano… Because I had always planned not to be stuck around here forever since I was a kid, its not just a fanciful notion I've had in the past few years. Number 2 is of course money: And this is why the situation with my mother owing me a lot is such a tough one to cope with, it's enough to emigrate or put a deposit on a house, either is a solution my problems going forward and I have known this now for a very long time. She keeps just saying 'oh yeah sure, I'l give you that next week, whats your bank details, is it not in yet are you sure' for the past 3 years!!! Meanwhile she is figuring out how to get rid of me. I wouldn't put anything past her, seriously. It's kind of sad but no less true.
Patman you are right. I can't stay here forever, its getting me down. The aunty of course doesn't understand, she'd be offended at the fact that I mightnt want to live with her long term which cause me anxiety, but she has the father who she doesn't bother visiting anymore since I'm here which cause me anxiety too, I feel bad about it all round. She's a bit F'n codie on me also (which causes me more anxiety, plus stress and probably depression) so I don't know what to do but I need to have my own space somehow. Going homeless seems like a rational option some days. There is a housing crisis here (don't know how as they were going up everywhere in boom times) and homelessness is high because rent is basically unaffordable for a lot of people. I'm not a priority for social housing either, not in the slightest so its a really tough one that.
Hey Jennie I'd be lying if that idea has not been calling me. Theres 2 major problems though. Number 1 is my kid: I had resigned myself to the idea that I wouldn't be able to see the world until he was older, yano… Because I had always planned not to be stuck around here forever since I was a kid, its not just a fanciful notion I've had in the past few years. Number 2 is of course money: And this is why the situation with my mother owing me a lot is such a tough one to cope with, it's enough to emigrate or put a deposit on a house, either is a solution my problems going forward and I have known this now for a very long time. She keeps just saying 'oh yeah sure, I'l give you that next week, whats your bank details, is it not in yet are you sure' for the past 3 years!!! Meanwhile she is figuring out how to get rid of me. I wouldn't put anything past her, seriously. It's kind of sad but no less true.
Patman you are right. I can't stay here forever, its getting me down. The aunty of course doesn't understand, she'd be offended at the fact that I mightnt want to live with her long term which cause me anxiety, but she has the father who she doesn't bother visiting anymore since I'm here which cause me anxiety too, I feel bad about it all round. She's a bit F'n codie on me also (which causes me more anxiety, plus stress and probably depression) so I don't know what to do but I need to have my own space somehow. Going homeless seems like a rational option some days. There is a housing crisis here (don't know how as they were going up everywhere in boom times) and homelessness is high because rent is basically unaffordable for a lot of people. I'm not a priority for social housing either, not in the slightest so its a really tough one that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Hey thanks Anna (Oh can you fix thread tile btw? ). Yeah I don't know how like all my planning or visualization process is non existent now. Just bleurgh basically. As for the family house thing, yeah I don't have any input either way so…
But, what am I wondering - is it wrong that I don't agree with my mother by default or didn't? It's not that I think I know what she should be doing, or what the solution is I never told any person what they should do (unless asked) I just felt it was wrong they feel the aunty should be paying the mortgage but not welcome there if she wanted to stay the night or take a bath. they have never payed a days rent in their lives which is why i think we had a difference of opinion.
Basically her position is that the dealings over the house were my fathers doing and nothing to do with her, she's just a 'poor innocent me', I of course know that this is far from the truth - its a case I been trying to crack my whole life, is this woman a genuine person or not… She can turn on the waterworks and everything, she's a top class actor she should have went to Hollywood tbh.
Guys am I in the wrong? Should I be feeling sorry for her, no matter what she has done, plus the the fact that I'm her latest victim now (and my child). She has a long history of deception and fraud, never was convicted for anything. She acted her way out of it all, imagine that. Maybe I'm just a bad guy for figuring this out? One thing i do know - it's an affront to my soul. Oh and Jennie, yeah I don't know what her plans are she won't discuss them with me in case I 'switch sides' lol. I never took a side so the mother pushed me onto this one. She knew i'd end up here before I did, no lie.
). Yeah I don't know how like all my planning or visualization process is non existent now. Just bleurgh basically. As for the family house thing, yeah I don't have any input either way so…But, what am I wondering - is it wrong that I don't agree with my mother by default or didn't? It's not that I think I know what she should be doing, or what the solution is I never told any person what they should do (unless asked) I just felt it was wrong they feel the aunty should be paying the mortgage but not welcome there if she wanted to stay the night or take a bath. they have never payed a days rent in their lives which is why i think we had a difference of opinion.
Basically her position is that the dealings over the house were my fathers doing and nothing to do with her, she's just a 'poor innocent me', I of course know that this is far from the truth - its a case I been trying to crack my whole life, is this woman a genuine person or not… She can turn on the waterworks and everything, she's a top class actor she should have went to Hollywood tbh.
Guys am I in the wrong? Should I be feeling sorry for her, no matter what she has done, plus the the fact that I'm her latest victim now (and my child). She has a long history of deception and fraud, never was convicted for anything. She acted her way out of it all, imagine that. Maybe I'm just a bad guy for figuring this out? One thing i do know - it's an affront to my soul. Oh and Jennie, yeah I don't know what her plans are she won't discuss them with me in case I 'switch sides' lol. I never took a side so the mother pushed me onto this one. She knew i'd end up here before I did, no lie.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
When my parents got divorced I stopped taking sides, my view was people can take responsibility for their own lives and situations, my energy is going to be used for my own life.
Back then I learnt it's ok not to take sides, people can get on with it, and in the case of my parents, it wasn't my marriage, I just appeared in the footnotes of the story/divorce case by default, as they happened to be my parents, but as far as I was concerned I wasn't getting involved.
Sides can take too much effort sometimes, the problem being there may be no right answer, both sides can be right, so choosing can be an impossible task, hence why I stayed out of it in my own example.
Energy in life can be easily exhausted over family situations, as humans we only have a certain amount to give, and especially when something as serious as Sobriety is top of the agenda!!
Back then I learnt it's ok not to take sides, people can get on with it, and in the case of my parents, it wasn't my marriage, I just appeared in the footnotes of the story/divorce case by default, as they happened to be my parents, but as far as I was concerned I wasn't getting involved.
Sides can take too much effort sometimes, the problem being there may be no right answer, both sides can be right, so choosing can be an impossible task, hence why I stayed out of it in my own example.
Energy in life can be easily exhausted over family situations, as humans we only have a certain amount to give, and especially when something as serious as Sobriety is top of the agenda!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Your exactly right Purpleknight, I never saw fit to take sides either. I used to think just like you about that.
Yeah look its a mess, I can't believe I'm still now affected by it. I need to focus on myself for sure.
Yeah look its a mess, I can't believe I'm still now affected by it. I need to focus on myself for sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
I don't rightly know Della, she doesn't discuss it with me now and thats probably for the best re my recovery. I think she has asked them to start making their own plans for a few years now as us kids are all grown up. What I do know, my mother is of the opinion that if she challenges them legally there is the slightest chance they might win based on legal advice she got, but if not at least it would "bleed my aunty dry of all her money in the process, and we would take everything from the house rip up floors and all to spite her and at least we would have each other" those are her words! And thats how she thinks.
Imagine that, after my aunty letting her live there rent free for 15 years and actually if she hadn't have stepped in we would have been homeless then the 6 of us. Because we were living in my mothers parents house at that time, which was divvied up and sold on, her own family did not care to step in and help they don't speak to her anymore either because of her frauding some locals out of large sums of money (our next door neighbor, and then an elderly woman the next door down, plus my fathers mother and more- I'm not judging its just a fact- which she denies all of but everyone knows). All this used to make me very confused...
So I just think its poor form, and by the way my position all along has been why not just let the aunty stay when she wants, she has always been good to us kids whereas my mothers family wanted nothing to do with us (because of my mother) anyone could have came and went and worked through any difficulties, my aunt would have had no problem with that. But my mother wasn't having any of that, she doesn't want to live in reality I suppose. She just sits and plots and schemes all day, gas-lighting 24/7. I tried to show her a brighter side to life, tried teaching her meditation and about higher ideals but looked what happened me…
Imagine that, after my aunty letting her live there rent free for 15 years and actually if she hadn't have stepped in we would have been homeless then the 6 of us. Because we were living in my mothers parents house at that time, which was divvied up and sold on, her own family did not care to step in and help they don't speak to her anymore either because of her frauding some locals out of large sums of money (our next door neighbor, and then an elderly woman the next door down, plus my fathers mother and more- I'm not judging its just a fact- which she denies all of but everyone knows). All this used to make me very confused...
So I just think its poor form, and by the way my position all along has been why not just let the aunty stay when she wants, she has always been good to us kids whereas my mothers family wanted nothing to do with us (because of my mother) anyone could have came and went and worked through any difficulties, my aunt would have had no problem with that. But my mother wasn't having any of that, she doesn't want to live in reality I suppose. She just sits and plots and schemes all day, gas-lighting 24/7. I tried to show her a brighter side to life, tried teaching her meditation and about higher ideals but looked what happened me…
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
I'm not advocating for throwing them out on the street, not at all I would have never have let that happen when I was there but I do honestly think that if they had to leave that house for whatever reason it would be the best thing that ever happened to them. Because the only goal in their life is holding on to that house at all costs, and I mean all costs. And then what? Will they be happy then? I doubt it.
Every little thing they do is a calculation geared towards that. My eldest brother is on the fence too but they have actively twisted his mind I have heard them talking about doing it. The father the aunty and now me are the bad guys, and they are the victims is the script. But they know exactly what they are doing I have heard them talking and planning all this at length until they ousted me! I just don't understand it all. It doesn't bode well for my kid either (my main concern) they are so full of 'evil' or whatever that they cannot be a good influence for him. I've tried explaining this to his mother in very rational terms, and if she thinks its ok just because they are turning him against me then she obviously does not understand the bigger picture there. Its been tough man. They don't drink much or anything which is the worst of it, I get angry about this when I drink as you can imagine.
Its a bit of a mess isn't it? Even the cops said that to me to me before, when I was enquiring about the order against me there he said "its an awful mess" actually. As for my relationship with my mother over the course of my life, well that is for a whole 'bother thread and a different day but i am going to need some help with that one guys if you reading this. Because that a biggie, you better believe it. Hey thanks
Every little thing they do is a calculation geared towards that. My eldest brother is on the fence too but they have actively twisted his mind I have heard them talking about doing it. The father the aunty and now me are the bad guys, and they are the victims is the script. But they know exactly what they are doing I have heard them talking and planning all this at length until they ousted me! I just don't understand it all. It doesn't bode well for my kid either (my main concern) they are so full of 'evil' or whatever that they cannot be a good influence for him. I've tried explaining this to his mother in very rational terms, and if she thinks its ok just because they are turning him against me then she obviously does not understand the bigger picture there. Its been tough man. They don't drink much or anything which is the worst of it, I get angry about this when I drink as you can imagine.
Its a bit of a mess isn't it? Even the cops said that to me to me before, when I was enquiring about the order against me there he said "its an awful mess" actually. As for my relationship with my mother over the course of my life, well that is for a whole 'bother thread and a different day but i am going to need some help with that one guys if you reading this. Because that a biggie, you better believe it. Hey thanks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Haha yikes is right!!! And people do wonder why I turned to drink when 'I had so much going for me'. All of this has been going around my head my whole life I never had anyone to talk to about it. Not even my ex… And even though its 12 years now since we first got together, I was always going to get over us breaking up someday. This is worse!!! They used to make me go for counseling in school but I was always omertà for some unknown reason.
There is way more to the story regards me and my mother personally so another day maybe, but I really have spent the majority of my life puzzling over it and never spoke a word. Absolutely the kid is my main concern. As far as I can tell, he's obviously the only innocent in all this. He is the one who 'really has a lot going for him' now. He is very loving and loved by all. He's a good kid, they probably should not be around him at all if you ask me. Yikes is right
Yep Della, thats exactly what I'm doing. In the past I used to sit down and try to figure it all out, I'd always end up drinking myself stupid afterwards because there was so much I was unsure about. But not now. Peace
There is way more to the story regards me and my mother personally so another day maybe, but I really have spent the majority of my life puzzling over it and never spoke a word. Absolutely the kid is my main concern. As far as I can tell, he's obviously the only innocent in all this. He is the one who 'really has a lot going for him' now. He is very loving and loved by all. He's a good kid, they probably should not be around him at all if you ask me. Yikes is right
Yep Della, thats exactly what I'm doing. In the past I used to sit down and try to figure it all out, I'd always end up drinking myself stupid afterwards because there was so much I was unsure about. But not now. Peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
^ Thats to say, I'm no longer unsure about wether my mother has been lying to us a very long time about a lot of things. As for the deeper implications well TBC…
I must say its very cathartic writing all this as opposed to drinking over it.
I must say its very cathartic writing all this as opposed to drinking over it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: NW Missouri
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by Stratman1 
I must say its very cathartic writing all this as opposed to drinking over it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
