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A Complicated Situation

Old 01-28-2015, 08:12 PM
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Thanks Tally I forgot to mention when patman said about getting my own place, in case it looks like I have been living in these places all the time - I haven't.

Apart from the past year that I have been staying with my aunt trying to figure what comes next I have been literally on my own since I was 17. For the past 14 years I've been renting, my last place I was in for nearly 5 years.

So thats why I'm no hurry just to bomb into the nearest bedsit, that solves nothing for me unless I want to be drunk perhaps. Anyway, goodnight



Haha, maybe...
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Old 01-28-2015, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Stratman1 View Post

My mother or my aunty??? They both think the house belongs to them.

I don't know, I was all like about it.

I wonder how it will play out.
Not my monkey, not my circus. Maybe find your own way and leave this sort of "what does everyone think" behind? I had too, you don't even want to hear of the drama I focused on that kept me drinking away my life.

They can sort their own problems out, if you don't own a monkey in their circus or own the circus, it isn't your problem. Focus on the things you need too. Just my experience. It sounds like you just need a place to live. focus on that instead of what they are doing, or what anyone else thinks about it
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Old 01-29-2015, 05:38 AM
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Stratman, in my experience it was necessary to physically remove myself from dysfunctional family very early on. I hope you will decide to let these dysfunctional family members solve their own problems regarding this house situation... and more importantly, go on and take care of yourself. Maybe some weekly counseling with a good therapist would be just the thing you need to bolster yourself while you disentangle yourself from this emotionally, as well as physically.
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Old 01-29-2015, 06:47 AM
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Hey Jennie thats what I did the minute I finished school, and before that too as I used to head off partying for a few days or weeks at a time - usually after a fistfight with my father- he used to terrorize us all, mainly my mother and I would eventually snap and stick up for them. Something they seem to have all but forgotten now. But you are exactly right, once I left school/home while there was a dark period initially, after a couple of years I was where I needed to be at the time. I was pretty much at the top of my game in relation to my peers so far as Maslow's theory goes.

Incidentally, anyone ever see the modernized hiercahy of needs? LOL



I just got sucked back into it all when the kid came along, I took the lead from my ex as she had all the experience with kids (she's a montessori teacher, has nieces and nephew etc) and I had no experience. Anyway things have gone downhill rapidly since then in a lot of ways though every cloud has a silver lining. My main focus is on this court date coming up. I get a good boost from my kid as his energy is pure, at least I hope it is if not I got some work to do. I don't know how I will feel after but I need to spend some quality time with him as it has been tough on him as well. I'm really only biding my time until then.

Hi Mikie yes I hear that. The question over ownership of the house is not really what I was enquiring about: I don't have any say or influence in how that will play out. I'm more concerned with the whole over-arching philosophical and (more important) spiritual implications of this mess, and thats what I am having trouble with. The only thing making it my circus still is that my kid goes there, and he is my monkey. I'm not welcome there and I can't handle all the deception anymore, not right now anyway. I'm trying not to think much further than this court date coming up, I'm counting down the days but I can't say I'm looking forward to it either **** Peace...

Last edited by Dee74; 01-29-2015 at 01:58 PM.
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Old 01-29-2015, 01:57 PM
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Your right Jennie that could be good for me. I just have a hard time opening up to someone face to face unlike here, I never did with my ex even. So its unlikely I would open up to a therapist/ I don't know I can picture myself just building walls in my mind, talking absolute boll*x about anything to skirt the real issues as I often have done drunk. I don't know, forever alone? Probably. I'm going to watch the video that haennie posted.
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Old 01-29-2015, 01:58 PM
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Hey Stratman

It really doesn't matter who we think is right - the main issue here (as far as this forum is concerned) is you and your well-being.

Addiction loves chaos. Recovery not so much.

I can't really see why you'd want to make this your fight.

I understand about your kid and the house - I'm not an expert on other countries law but I'm sure you could get that changed to another address...

You're an adult. If the atmosphere there is preying on you I wouldn't want my son there anyway.

Maybe it's time to move out, man?

D
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Old 01-29-2015, 04:35 PM
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Hey Dee.

Oh man, I know its not my fight its just a backdrop to my circumstance. I'm putting it out there for the therapeutic aspect if nothing else. I wouldn't say things are chaotic right now, just stale.

As far as atmosphere goes, it's not too bad just all that stuff bubbling beneath the surface on top of my own hopes, fears and problems its not great either. I'm worried man! Bigtime…

I know there no point, "Worrying is praying to the devil, worrying is betting against yourself" as Terence Mckenna said, I thought it was Alan Watts: Terence Mckenna - Worry is preposterous - YouTube

(First time I've heard that one. Gee thanks Terence, maybe I need some of what you were smoking but I have been thinking about that quote a bit lately wherever I read it.)
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Old 01-29-2015, 05:00 PM
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Startman - there is no excuse for your drinking - not then, not now, not tomorrow. Frankly, it occurs to me that either your mom is right, your aunt is right, or a little of both. Regardless, none of it has anything to do with you. Your mom took your money, if not her, it may have been the tax man. If not him, then maybe a card game. Regardless, that money is gone. Chasing it is only an excuse to drink. I for one would love to see you share your strategy on getting with your child, finding a place and work. Finding lost money isn't a strategy.

I guess the bottom line on opinion of the situation? Who cares, it's not at all relevant to moving your ball forward and your sobriety.
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Old 01-29-2015, 05:35 PM
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… Worried about the future I meant, not the stuff in this thread. Hi DrunkTx. Yeah I'm not concerned with my drinking at this point- past present or future the only way forward is to draw a line under that I know. I agree about the family house part, thanks even though I've been demonized for not buying emotionally into it by my family. They are united by that and nothing else.

I think your right about the money thing, I try explaining that to the aunt here but she keeps on bringing it up. Me and the mother went to mediation about it, several meetings, I tried to say as little as possible but I was basically dry drunk, it was pretty stressful for me. Anyways we came to an agreement, half the money due to deductions she has calculated for the time I was staying there recovering from OD and anything else she could think of LOL. Anyway, she hasn't kept to the agreement so I don't want to keep chasing my tail… I'l never hear the end of it from this side of the family though, which is the rub. It's a bit of a nightmare that.

The question there is, should I still be in contact with my mother now? Should I be sending her gifts and support? She doesn't even talk to me anymore, never contacted me when homeless etc and the couple of times we did speak has been phantasmagorical. Thats exactly what I don't need. Plus she is basically trying to kill me more or less. Can anyone answer that bit? I made an effort for us to have a better relationship but it hasn't worked out. What I do know though. Its a serious cross to bear, and its something that I do need to heal from one way or another...
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Old 01-29-2015, 05:56 PM
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… Now to answer your question and D's. About the kid: The court case is in a couple of weeks. I'm not homeless, and I'm not drinking. Those are pretty fundamental, I'm not sure what else I can do in between. The solicitor wants to hear about my emotions, I'm like 'Jeez Loiuse, I didn't know you were a therapist as well!'. She seems alright anyway. I'm putting my faith in the courts on this.

As for my housing crisis, why I can't just move out as Dee put it…

Yeah this has been the root of my problems for many years, I have known that. Moving from one place to the next for half my life I don't know, no security in it anyway. I can't juts move out, as I can't afford a place of my own as it stands. And hear this, even if I was working I still probably can't. It's an impossible situation for single father like me, anyone that I know is dependent on family when it comes to their kid or else they have been accommodated by the authorities. I have looked into all of it, it just seems hopeless now which is why my life is at a standstill. How do others manage it??? Thats what I want to know. Like I can't even afford to rent let alone buy a place, it's F'd up over here now which is why anyone my age has emigrated long ago. If you weren't already on the gravy train or your family aren't you are screwed here seemingly.
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Old 01-29-2015, 06:21 PM
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Yeah so in summary Tx. I'l 'worry' about the psychosocial aspects of my existence after the court, I have looked at everything already or lived it so I don't know whats left.

For now the main thing is staying sober during and after the court, no matter what happens a lot of emotions are going to be going full tilt then.
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Old 01-30-2015, 09:03 AM
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Just got off the phone to solicitor…. 450 they want upfront???
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Old 01-30-2015, 02:20 PM
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I'm hoping you can find some solution soon Stratman

D
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Old 01-30-2015, 02:50 PM
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Phew thanks but I don't know man. Thanks. I had a correspondence with my mother anyway.

Same old crap "oh hey, yeah I'm gonna sort out that money for you next week, sorry for the delay"

Sorry for the delay? It's been 4 years! Of lies, deception, manipulation, gas-lighitng. I ended up on the street, my life was in danger.

I've been dependent on charity and if it wasn't for an extended family member I'd be probably dead. I just lit on her, FU all that… It was automatic.

I feel bad now but "sorry for the delay"? I don't even want that money now. Me giving her that money was all about trust, it was supposed to be the start of something beautiful…
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Old 01-30-2015, 03:25 PM
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I'm annoyed with myself for replying like that as I have become a lot more objective about that situation since I quit drinking.

But its been 4 years of hell for me which are still ongoing here. I can't have a relationship with someone like that, I'm under enough stress as it is.

I need to heal from all of this somehow. I'm far from there yet, its going to take time. It might never happen but this is no way to live
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Old 01-30-2015, 03:35 PM
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I'm sorry you're hurting over this, Stratman. Yes, you do deserve to heal from all this mess. You will get there! Just put your sobriety first. And maybe see about getting into a better living situation away from dysfunctional family. This court date - is it about custody of your child? I am trying to piece together all these details
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Old 01-30-2015, 03:52 PM
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I am hurting Jennie thanks for noticing. My number one priority has been to hide that fact for too long now. I've been losing sight of how important sobriety is.

Yes its about access to the kid. I haven't even thought about how its gonna work, I just wanna see how he's getting on and give him his xmas presents basically.
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Old 01-30-2015, 05:02 PM
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It would be easy to think that hey, why don't I try to patch things up with my mother and see the kid there? As they live close by and that was a routine.

Well actually for the past 2 years I have been asking my mother to tell me when he is there so I can come back and see him. She hasn't done so, in fact she has gone as far as to say 'Oh well what if his mother stops bringing him here, we have a right to see him here, but the problem is between you and her". Gas lighting basically. Which has been making me crazy trying to comprehend and come to terms with.

This is after me breaking up with my ex, I found out she was cheating, not one bit of support from my family even though they know the sacrifices I've made and how depressed I was for years so that was basically the last straw for me. Not a sum of money, thats just a bone of contention by now. It's all just wearing me down basically. But anyway… Thanks for the support
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Old 02-01-2015, 01:19 PM
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So I just heard that my kid was at my mothers place. My aunty went there.

I'm seriously p*ssed.
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Old 02-01-2015, 01:37 PM
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I feel ill
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