philly76

At first I tried to look backwards, basically tried to get in the mindset before I drank too much or drank at all. But you can't really go in that direction, especially once you're in your mid-30s. I'm in an entirely different point in life, but a point in life I don't really understand as a sober person. That's as scary as it is lonely. In fact, what makes it lonely for me isn't inherent loneliness, but the fear of potential loneliness.

I mean I know that no friends is healthier than a base of drunk friends, but it's a tough - perhaps the first - hurdle to cross. I know people at the gym I could socialize with if I really tried, and I have some older friends who know the sober-me well. I just need to invest more time in them, and obviously, invest time in my sober self.

I live in a big city, so there are certainly sober activities. It's just, after socializing exclusively in bars for ten years, it's just as hard for a drunk to find a sober social life as it is for someone who's never been to a bar to find a social life in a bar, especially well into the 30s. I've never been able to go out to a bar alone.

It might seem like a weird parallel, but I get the same anxiety thinking about walking into an AA meeting alone as I would thinking about going to a bar on my own. Not knowing anyone can be intimidating, regardless of how non-judgmental and sympathetic the environment may be.

Mikie9

I had to quote this rather than just say thanks with a click of a button. Thank you, this has helped me tonight.

3222014smt

I live alone and experience the same feelings of loneliness when I am at home now. I never used to be lonely when I was drinking! That is because it was dulling all my real and raw human emotions. I am gutting it out and dealing with these emotions now, trusting for everything I read and everyone I talk to that things will get better with sobriety.

philly76

I completely sympathize with the dulling of emotions. You can't feel lonely if you can't feel. The interesting thing with all the feelings that come with sobriety is that they aren't caused by sobriety, they're caused by the fallout of alcohol. If you drink/drank every night like I did, you spend most of the next day in a haze, and when the anxiety kicks in, you drink.

I don't know if it's loneliness I feel when I'm home alone or just boredom. The winter in Philadelphia sucks, which makes it even worse. In the summer I can go out and jog until 10pm or just walk around the city and take pictures. But when the sun sets at 5pm, you've got a good five hours to sit on your hands or beg someone to go get coffee with you.

Speaking of coffee, I so miss the 90s when there were late night coffee shops everywhere and you could sit around like the cast of Friends until midnight. Now even the most comfortable Starbucks is about as relaxing as a Greyhound Dunkin Donuts. I want to open an upstairs coffee shop called Twelve Steps Up, right next to the bar in Philly called Twelve Steps Down :P

Mcribb

I can relate. I thought things were going to be better in sobriety. Things keep getting worse. I lost mu job last year my gf broke up with m. I am getting older and girls don't like me much. I am glad there are shelters I can eat at. I am grateful for sobriety.

George89

alcohol = social life but a ton of problems caused by alcohol
sobriety = no social life, but no problems caused by alcohol

maybe this is a false dichotomy, but it certainly feels for me that being sober in a world where everyone drinks, does feel quite lonely. Even if you go to bars and pubs sober, you sort of see them for what they really are, loud, noisy, smelly, sometimes violent and ugly places.

There are lot of things to do without drinking, but you can no longer go out with your pals on a fun crazy night. You have to plan your evenings, go to a place to eat, or a cinema or something. Watch some live sport. But the places you wouldnt think twice about going to as a drinker, you wouldn't want to go to sober.

I know its possible, but, it does seem like a lot of the sober people on here do seem to live a more lonely life in some regards, but perhaps that life is still happier then the drinker who maybe have a great 'social life' but deep inside is deeply unhappy, depressed and anxious. You only need to have maybe 3 + good friends that you can see often and talk to be happy I think.

The drinking social life entails a lot of 'encounters' with people but no deeper interaction or meaningful connection, usually.

Dee74

My life completely changed George - but it's changed overwhelmingly for the better.

My friends did change...but the ones who stayed were golden, and I also made new ones.

The drinking life was a pretty shallow one - and knowing that made me drink more.

I always say I couldn't have dreamed the life I have now, cos it's true...I wouldn't have imagined life could be so good without alcohol.

I love my life and I love myself. I could never say that as a drinker.

I have a far busier social life now than I ever had a drinker. Heck, by the end most of my drinking was done alone.

No one of us have any reason to lie to you or anyone else George - but I know the fear thats holding you back.

All I can tell you is it's a leap of faith thing..you'll never know if I'm right or not until you give it a decent shot

D

3222014smt

Seven days sober here - lonely as hell but grinding away.

One of the things that I keep thinking that I will miss about drinking is the social aspects. When I really look back to the end of my drinking, I was spending about 1/6 of the time in a social manner. So fore every 6 hours of drinking, I was spending 5 hours drinking alone.

Part of my plan moving forward is going to be to spend 3 hours a day doing something social that I would not have done before. Volunteer, go to AA, grab a meal with family, go to the gym, do Yoga, take a class, etc. I hope this helps me meet new people and avoid loneliness leading to relapse.

Wholesome

I've come to believe that going out and getting wasted is in itself anti-social... to not even remember what the hell happened or to act in a way that you wouldn't sober. And being hung like a grape the next day and want to hide from the world is the most anti-social thing ever. Feeling good feels good and sobriety is the way to feel good.

Wastinglife

Loneliness was always a huge trigger for me. I live alone and don't see many friends often. The alcohol made many people distance themselves from me. I have just begun doing AA meetings really to escape the loneliness. I also use this site when I am feeling lonely. Reaching out is really important.

Soberjoy1

I know how you feel. I am lonely sometimes, now that I am no longer drinking, which has led to a couple of slips in the past. But I was often lonely while drinking. Indeed, towards the end, I mostly drank alone and isolated myself from others.

The good thing is having energy and time to take a yoga class, or go to church, or call up old non-drinking friends to reconnect. It takes time to rebuild a social life.

ktwsober

I am alone a lot (self employed, work from home and live alone) but I do not feel alone. Whether its AA, this website, all of my new sober friends, my kids, my hobbies I am surrounded by love. Only now by being sober can I appreciate true love and a peaceful life.

Your loneliness will take time to go away and I hope you will then find peace

upminer

I'm goin through the loneliness part a lot now... Im married but my wife always is gone before I would have drunkeness to keep me company now I'm so bored and want to fill former drinking time with something else but she seems unwilling to change her ways... I fear that whatever I find to do will drive us further apart so I'm in a holding pattern for the moment.... Knowing I'm on the right path helps a lot though

philly76

That's is how I eventually started looking at it. Going out in my early 20s was one thing. Three beers and I'd have a great time. Eventually my friends started growing up and going out less, then I started looking for bar friends who partied a lot, trying to recapture the fun I used to have. Then one day you realize you're going out and the only person you're socializing with is the bartender, you're blowing all your money, and you decide to start drinking alone at home.

I totally get that sobriety can feel lonely, especially at first, but it doesn't get much lonelier than drinking alone. I've been reconnecting with old college friends who kind of trailed away from the bars. I've gone out to dinner or coffee shops and just talked and talked for hours. I think sobriety just seems lonely because most of us have spent a decade(s) only socializing with drinkers. True, many adult activities involve alcohol, but they're not always centered around it.

You can join a dodgeball team, sign up for activities at the gym, do community theater, take a class, find groups on Meetup.com, volunteer. And there's nothing lonely about occasionally doing something alone. Some of the most laborious tasks can take your mind off drinking: gardening, cycling, working on an old car, doing repairs around the house. Being alone isn't always bad, and most heavy drinkers are more likely to become reclusive if they don't stop.

philly76

Oh, and I just thought of something else I was talking about the other day. I think the lonely feeling might just be how we interpret the slow passage of time that comes with sobriety.

For one, I don't feel lonely when I'm drunk even if I am alone simply because my feelings are impaired. But for me at least, I know I can spend five hours drinking and time flies by. My whole 30s flew by, probably because I was drunk so often.

Time passes by so much slower when we're sober and our cognitive resources are functioning properly - perhaps even abnormally high because we're not used to it - and we're irrationally focusing on a feeling of loneliness that doesn't necessarily exist.

If I ever feel lonely and step back to think about it objectively, in reality it's either boredom or anxiety. A few days of sobriety after a weekend binge and I start thinking about anything and everything way too much. If I think I drink because I'm lonely, I'm really drinking to slow down my brain.