Riddled with Guilt
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by Distraught1 
I didn't just drink - I acted a repugnant fool. And I am desperate to hold on to the bond I have with him, and he knows it. I'm just having trouble letting him go. Also, I'm terrified to go to AA.
Dont be afraid to go to AA. They are the nicest people you have ever met in your life. Everyone in the room has been where you are at
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Michael66
Hello Distraught. I think at times we all fall short of being the parents we want to be. I know I did. I'm not saying we should deliberately set out to do daft things occasionally, but perhaps those events (if they do happen) help remind us that we all make mistakes - we all have feet of clay. The good thing I found was that it softened my heart enormously to the mistakes other people make. It's odd, but I was strangely blessed by my troubles with alcohol (which went on for years) because it radically changed my attitude to other people. A convo with your son sounds like a good idea, but I wouldn't feel a need to rush into that - it maybe you need just a little more time to forgive yourself first.
God bless. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Michael
God bless. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Michael
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by OklaBH
Ahh that makes more sense. You wont ever let him go. He is your son. When my oldest left for the air force I flipped out. It was bad. I cant even explain the pain. Like everything else, it gets better
Dont be afraid to go to AA. They are the nicest people you have ever met in your life. Everyone in the room has been where you are at
Dont be afraid to go to AA. They are the nicest people you have ever met in your life. Everyone in the room has been where you are at
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,336
Try not to hold on too tightly to your son because of your anxiety. As parents we have to let them mature and make their way. I know it's hard, however, it could become a circle...you holding tight because of anxiety, he pulls away , then you hold on tighter.
Do you have any interests, volunteer work etc, you could pursue?
Do you have any interests, volunteer work etc, you could pursue?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Hi distraught,
It seems to me you're in two minds - on one hand you're beating yourself up about what happened and on the other you don't drink that much or that often, and you only get carried away once in a while...
I understand the vacillation, but I advise you to accept that there is a problem.
I think the common element here, and the way to recovery, is to stop drinking.
When you can't be sure of the outcome, the very best thing to do is not to start the ball rolling again.
If you make this a one off occasion, and you work hard to stay sober and be the parent you want to be from here on in, I'm sure your lapse will not loom that large in your son's memory
D
It seems to me you're in two minds - on one hand you're beating yourself up about what happened and on the other you don't drink that much or that often, and you only get carried away once in a while...
I understand the vacillation, but I advise you to accept that there is a problem.
I think the common element here, and the way to recovery, is to stop drinking.
When you can't be sure of the outcome, the very best thing to do is not to start the ball rolling again.
If you make this a one off occasion, and you work hard to stay sober and be the parent you want to be from here on in, I'm sure your lapse will not loom that large in your son's memory
D
Last edited by Dee74; 12-28-2014 at 09:36 PM.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 169
Originally Posted by Distraught1
I am here because I have no one to turn to, and I am beyond distraught. I'm not a frequent drinker, so I don't even know if I belong here. But I got really drunk a few nights ago - IN FRONT OF MY TEENAGER, and my behavior has me ashamed beyond words. I cannot stop crying - we've always been so close, and I've made it my life's goal to be the best mom possible to him, and I feel like I completely destroyed all of this in one stupid night. I'm so ashamed - what kind of example was that? He didn't deserve to have to deal with me like that. Someone please help me to know what to do to make this up to him - besides the obvious don't get drunk again. I'm not doing well - I really need someone to talk to. I'm devastated.
It seems to me you might want to tone down the drama. You made a mistake, and being honest and telling him you are examining your relationship with alcohol is about as much as you can do, along with a big ol' apology. Rehashing the details of what happened seems counterproductive.
The one thing that seems like a red flag is going from drinking very little to getting blotto out of nowhere. Most of us on here seem to possess that very trait, and looking back it had shown up just like yours did, out of nowhere in the beginning.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
I've seen my mom completely destroyed more than once, and it didn't change my opinion of her one bit. I still see her as a beautiful person and a great mom. Yeah, I see her as fallible, and it's a relief to have a human for a mom. If I saw her as perfect, I would feel a lot of pressure to be perfect myself. It makes sense to talk to him about it, let him know you're sorry, and help him understand what happened, but I don't think it would be productive to beat yourself up so hard in front of him. You lead by example, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to come down this hard on himself for his mistakes, right? You would serve him better by demonstrating how to learn from a mistake, make necessary adjustments, and move on. If those adjustments include going into recovery (which takes an incredible amount of strength), then I think you'd be showing him your strongest side.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
This may sound harsh, but you need to find a life outside of your son.
Your son sounds like a great kid, but in the next 5 - 7 years he is going to change tremendously, particularly when he moves away to go to college. And it's doubtful he will ask for your opinion about any changes he makes with his new found freedom. It's inevitable, I've experienced it with both of my daughters. And it's also likely that soon you won't be the most important female in his life.
And after 4 years of college, which might be in state so you see him occasionally, he might move a 1000 miles away to go to graduate school. True, he will always be your son, but he will be his own, independent, adult person. And really, you don't want it any other way. But it sounds like it will be a big change/challenge for you.
I'm not doing well - I really need someone to talk to. I'm devastated.
An AA meeting might help, particularly if you could find a woman's only group. And if your son know's you went to an AA meeting, so what! Apparently, he's already seen you in a drunken mess, isn't that worse?
Your son sounds like a great kid, but in the next 5 - 7 years he is going to change tremendously, particularly when he moves away to go to college. And it's doubtful he will ask for your opinion about any changes he makes with his new found freedom. It's inevitable, I've experienced it with both of my daughters. And it's also likely that soon you won't be the most important female in his life.
And after 4 years of college, which might be in state so you see him occasionally, he might move a 1000 miles away to go to graduate school. True, he will always be your son, but he will be his own, independent, adult person. And really, you don't want it any other way. But it sounds like it will be a big change/challenge for you.
I'm not doing well - I really need someone to talk to. I'm devastated.
An AA meeting might help, particularly if you could find a woman's only group. And if your son know's you went to an AA meeting, so what! Apparently, he's already seen you in a drunken mess, isn't that worse?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I was that kind of drinker. I could contain it, contain it, and then, it seemed out of nowhere, I would have an "episode." I keep a list of those episodes in my sobriety journal to remind myself that I never, ever want to experience that shame and torture again and the only way that I can guarantee to not do that is to never drink alcohol again. Every major shame in my life has alcohol as a factor. Every single one.
My mother is an alcoholic and she created a scene over the holidays that was beyond horrifying for her and all of us. I am not angry at her for her drunkenness or her scene as much as I am angry that she won't admit that she has a problem and get help. The good that has come out of her alcoholism is that it spurned my sobriety (15 months today) and it has served as a horrible, real life example as to the negative power of alcohol to my children (three of whom are teenagers.)
My mother is an alcoholic and she created a scene over the holidays that was beyond horrifying for her and all of us. I am not angry at her for her drunkenness or her scene as much as I am angry that she won't admit that she has a problem and get help. The good that has come out of her alcoholism is that it spurned my sobriety (15 months today) and it has served as a horrible, real life example as to the negative power of alcohol to my children (three of whom are teenagers.)
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Dis,
sounds like you're caught up in all-or-nothing thinking.
you can't ruin "everything" in one night. you son needs to see you being imperfect. how else will he learn to deal with his own imperfections?
you're caught up in 'never' and 'always' extremes.
yes, you did something rather excruciating. you later took responsibility, and apologized. your remorse is obvious. to me, asking him for more details is putting an unfair burden on him. anything else, really, is burdening him with stuff that's yours to deal with.
screwing up and then making it right IS being the best parent possible.
and the way to make it right is to sit and look at your drinking and yourself and at what the truth is there, the truth that your experience tells you, and then take measures to address that. unpleasant and tough as that may be.
sorry if this sounds "preachy"; it isn't meant in that vein.
sounds like you're caught up in all-or-nothing thinking.
you can't ruin "everything" in one night. you son needs to see you being imperfect. how else will he learn to deal with his own imperfections?
you're caught up in 'never' and 'always' extremes.
yes, you did something rather excruciating. you later took responsibility, and apologized. your remorse is obvious. to me, asking him for more details is putting an unfair burden on him. anything else, really, is burdening him with stuff that's yours to deal with.
screwing up and then making it right IS being the best parent possible.
and the way to make it right is to sit and look at your drinking and yourself and at what the truth is there, the truth that your experience tells you, and then take measures to address that. unpleasant and tough as that may be.
sorry if this sounds "preachy"; it isn't meant in that vein.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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My son would never drink. You don't understand - he is an AMAZING kid. A junior in high school taking all AP and dual-enrollment courses with a 4.2 GPA.
I just wanted to say that people can be "amazing" and even have 4.2 GPAs (trust me) and still drink.
I just wanted to say that people can be "amazing" and even have 4.2 GPAs (trust me) and still drink.
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You're son's a teenager which by definition means that you've been setting a good example for him by words and deeds for at least 13 years. One night is not going to undo that. Of course, since he is a teenager and you have a close relationship he know the buttons to push and may not use adult discretion, but always remember you are the adult in the situation and you have the ability to frame the conversation.
I have 20 and 22 year old children who I'm extremely close with and I've found that if I made a poor decision it was best for me and them for me to 'fess up, talk about it, and if necessary apologize. As our kids get older they begin to realize that we're not infallible because we're not. We're humans who try to do the right thing and as it clearly comes across in your post be the best parents we can be. Unfortunately there's no script or playbook. Without getting too much wordier, I'm agreeing with the previous posters who have stated that you should address what happened.
I have 20 and 22 year old children who I'm extremely close with and I've found that if I made a poor decision it was best for me and them for me to 'fess up, talk about it, and if necessary apologize. As our kids get older they begin to realize that we're not infallible because we're not. We're humans who try to do the right thing and as it clearly comes across in your post be the best parents we can be. Unfortunately there's no script or playbook. Without getting too much wordier, I'm agreeing with the previous posters who have stated that you should address what happened.
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