Distraught1

I am here because I have no one to turn to, and I am beyond distraught. I'm not a frequent drinker, so I don't even know if I belong here. But I got really drunk a few nights ago - IN FRONT OF MY TEENAGER, and my behavior has me ashamed beyond words. I cannot stop crying - we've always been so close, and I've made it my life's goal to be the best mom possible to him, and I feel like I completely destroyed all of this in one stupid night. I'm so ashamed - what kind of example was that? He didn't deserve to have to deal with me like that. Someone please help me to know what to do to make this up to him - besides the obvious don't get drunk again. I'm not doing well - I really need someone to talk to. I'm devastated.

Spacegoat

You said yourself that you have made it your life goal to be the best mom possible (which is admiral) so that won't be undone in one night.

The guilt will pass. Maybe use this as an opportunity to explain the dangers of drink to him? Hope you are ok x

Jsbodhi

Hi!

I horrified myself a few times this last couple months too, I have in the past sporadically, but it's been getting worse and worse. I know how you feel with the guilt and shame
((( hug)))
Staying away from alcohol is the only guarantee these shameful things won't happen again.
I'm sure you're a wonderful mom, I don't have kids so I don't have much advice, but others will be along to help right away I'm sure. Keep your head up.
Xxxoo

dwtbd

At a certain age children come to the idea that their parents are people , too. Not that your role becomes diminshed in anyway, just that we are fallible , at times, and it's normal. Like SteveyErie said , this could be a very teachable moment, the dangers and loss of control one can experience from severe intoxication. Maybe explain the embarrassment, why it hurts so bad . Talking about it is probably better for the long run than not approaching it at all, and more poignant when fresh.

OliveDog

I agree with dwtbd ^^^

Distraught1

Thank you so much for hearing me and responding. I'm so appreciative - you have no idea. I've been crying for three days straight. I'm really, really upset with myself. I can't seem to let it go. I don't know what words to use with him. I don't even remember everything I said or did that night, and I'm not sure whether to push for more details or to let it go (maybe it's easier for him that way not to go into more detail - idk?), but what he did tell me the next morning made me want to throw up in disgust. I acted like an ass - blaring music, disrespecting him, telling him things I shouldn't have. I was just appalled. I told him that I was so sorry for letting him down, for not being in my right mind, and that what I said and the way I acted was inappropriate and NOT OKAY. I know the only thing more I can do to prove this to him is to not let it happen again - I don't think that part will be hard - but that's just not easing the shame and guilt in my heart at all right now. I can't stop crying. I am so disappointed and disgusted with myself. I can't help feeling like he deserves a better mom, and that is literally breaking my heart after everything I've done to provide the very best for him all these years. I just flushed all of those efforts down the toilet - and for what? The way he looked at me the next day was gut-wrenching. He's disgusted with me.

This child has been my whole life from the moment he was conceived, and his disappointment in me is like 100 daggers in my heart. He's at his dad's until Tuesday, so I have two days to pull myself together, but I'm not sure how to behave when he comes home. Do I keep apologizing profusely, do I carry on like it never happened (unless he brings it up), do I go out of my way to oblige his every request? This gets tricky because he IS a teenager, and he WILL use that to his advantage. This happened once before about three years ago - in the midst of a serious battle of depression for me - and despite my requests for him to forgive me and to please stop holding that over me - he still holds it over my head because he knows it hurts me (when a random teenage "I want to hurt my mom" hormone rears its ugly head). I'm certain the root of all of this is that he is naturally wanting to separate from me (which has been really hard for me), and now this has only deepened the wedge. I don't know who to be beyond his mom. I have literally nothing outside of that - he's the center of my universe. I need help.

soberclover

I think the best way to be a role model in this situation is to be open and honest about what happened and be specific with the steps you are going to take to make it right. Discuss how alcohol can make people behave in ways that are not like them and the negative consequences. Follow with what you can do to make this right. By being real about the situation, should it ever happen to your teenager, they will remember how you handled the situation.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

You're definitely in the right place, if alcohol is causing problems in your life then that's were SR comes in!!

I think when it comes to family, real change can work wonders, my dad did some pretty crazy things when drinking, and at the time I was horrified, but if he had of changed his ways, and I had of seen a real difference and that he was trying to put that behind him, then I would have been proud of him once again.

Sorting out your drinking is probably the best and first foundation to build, and everything will come from that with regards your son!!

SR is a great place for support to help you get there!!

Abalone

"I am here because I have no one to turn to, and I am beyond distraught. I'm not a frequent drinker, so I don't even know if I belong here."

I have only been here since yesterday, but have been struggling with alcohol my whole life, starting with my mom who drank when she was pregnant, so I had alcohol in my cells at the moment of conception. What I do know for sure is that when alcohol creates that kind of destruction in our lives, it is mandatory to stay away from it altogether. I hope that this was the wake-up call you needed. I should have woken up earlier, but I kept allowing the wake-up calls to get worse. It a "not if, but when" situation. Just make a commitment to yourself to stay in control of your body and mind by abstaining from alcohol and you will never have to deal with this guilt and shame again. Soon you will have to forgive yourself for the mistakes of the past, but just don't forget!

Soberwolf

Welcome to Sober Recovery Distraught youve come to the right place

Nice to meet you

Pondlady

I think you've explained the situation to him. Alcohol causes us to behave in ways we otherwise would not....it's embarrassing and we've all experienced it. The only way to prevent it from happening again, is to not drink.....and what better role model, than a sober parent?

DrunkTx

Distraught - I think what you are hearing from the drunks is that where there is tension, there is opportunity. I wish I could see my parent pis s drunk when I was younger, if they had the fortitude like you to recognize it was wrong. Maybe I wouldn't have become a drunk myself. Talk about it, analyze it, make sure he gets how fortunate that this last go around could have ended much much worse. If you have to deprecate yourself slightly, that's ok - there is no pride with your kids. This is totally a teaching moment. Make a promise with him, that under no circumstances do you let each other get drunk like that. If you are in the US, he shouldn't be drinking yet, but promise him you will call him if you need help not taking the next sip. Problem or not, the point is that alcohol is a poison best fought in packs. Who knows, maybe this will provide the counter balance to him pulling away?

Chalk it up.....we live we learn

Distraught1

When you say steps that I'm going to do to make it right, what do you mean? I immediately threw out the remaining beers, which he was glad about. But are you thinking I should go to AA or something? I would be mortified, and I think he would be even more disappointed if he thought his mom needed to go to AA. He'd be so ashamed of me and embarrassed. I don't know if I'm an alcoholic - I don't drink often, but I have drunk to excess more than a few times in my life. Do you think me just deciding not to drink anymore and vocalizing this to him would suffice? My only fear is that what if I mess up again - two years from now or something - I would literally DESTROY his trust in me altogether. And that might very well kill me.

Distraught1

My son would never drink. You don't understand - he is an AMAZING kid. A junior in high school taking all AP and dual-enrollment courses with a 4.2 GPA. He never does anything bad - nothing. His worst problem is that he is occassionally lippy (but that's just the hormones). I would never allow him to drink alcohol!! And honestly, I don't see him ever wanting to, thankfully.

awuh1

Quit trying to be perfect. It can't be done. Part of life is accepting this. Accepting it not just about ourselves but about others. The latter is what your son is faced with. He has a chance to learn and to grow and to be compassionate, or to somehow selfishly use it for his own advantage.

IMO It's good for teens to have these real life dilemmas. It gives them a chance to face real life and make real adult decisions about how to conduct themselves. You have obviously been a good mother and provided a good foundation for him to do that. He might also learn from how you handle the situation, so what you do now is important.

Probably the best thing you can do is to acknowledge your mistake and to ask him how you can make things right. He might try to take advantage, in which case you can ask him to go think again about what you might do.

You've obviously raised him with allot of compassion. Hopefully he can return some of it now.

OklaBH

whoa whoa whoa

You didnt undo anything in one night, if all you did was drink. You seem like you are intimidated by your child. You are the adult. If HE brings it up..level it out. Mom screwed up, drank to much...tell him to learn from it. Dont do it son.

I have 3 sons. 21, 20 & 19. It breaks my heart that they ever saw me not being my better self. But they respect me and are all admirable men. I couldnt imagine any of them throwing anything back in my face.

Remember if you go to AA...its anonymous. You wouldnt tell your son

Distraught1

Should I question him further about what I said and did that night or just let the unknown go? I want to be accountable, but I don't want to make him relive what must've been a traumatic night.

Distraught1

I didn't just drink - I acted a repugnant fool. And I am desperate to hold on to the bond I have with him, and he knows it. I'm just having trouble letting him go. Also, I'm terrified to go to AA.

awuh1

Nobody was physically injured. That's the main thing. Mom got drunk. The details likely are not that important really. Ask him how you can make it right then listen very carefully and deal with what he brings up.

Michael66

Hello Distraught. I think at times we all fall short of being the parents we want to be. I know I did. I'm not saying we should deliberately set out to do daft things occasionally, but perhaps those events (if they do happen) help remind us that we all make mistakes - we all have feet of clay. The good thing I found was that it softened my heart enormously to the mistakes other people make. It's odd, but I was strangely blessed by my troubles with alcohol (which went on for years) because it radically changed my attitude to other people. A convo with your son sounds like a good idea, but I wouldn't feel a need to rush into that - it maybe you need just a little more time to forgive yourself first.

God bless. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Michael