12 step call
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
12 step call
A friend of mine straight up relapsed over the weekend. Her husband sent out a group text that no one seemed to answer. So I said I would call her. She wouldn't answer her phone. I called her sponsor and left a message. I called my sponsor who made a plan to ask her husband permission to go there. I called her husband, he was grateful for a response at least. So my sponsor and I made a visit. We couldn't convince her to go to a meeting, we talked to her for 2 hours. We asked if there was any liquor in the house, she said no. She said she wanted sobriety, and wanted the next mornings meeting, promised not to drink...cuz there wasn't any.
I felt like we did the right thing. Her husband called today, she did have more wine hidden somewhere and was drunk again today. I was feeling ok all day until now. I know I had no business being there as new as I am. But no one else would answer. I feel kind of...I don't know...hurt and guilty? I know I can't make her do anything. It's up to her now. My sponsor and her sponsor say this was all the right way. I want to hear others thoughts.
Jennifer
I felt like we did the right thing. Her husband called today, she did have more wine hidden somewhere and was drunk again today. I was feeling ok all day until now. I know I had no business being there as new as I am. But no one else would answer. I feel kind of...I don't know...hurt and guilty? I know I can't make her do anything. It's up to her now. My sponsor and her sponsor say this was all the right way. I want to hear others thoughts.
Jennifer
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
You did the right thing and yes, always bring someone else on 12 steps calls. It is not just about maybe losing your own sobriety but also for safety reason. They could flip out or being delusional try accusing you of horrible things.
Here is an excerpt from the Big Book Chapter 7 Working with others p96
Here is an excerpt from the Big Book Chapter 7 Working with others p96
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
I know in my heart I did the right thing. My higher power took over and we went. It was like an out of body experience. It truly helped me more than anything. I grew from this. I will let it go now.
Jennifer
Jennifer
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
12 step work is done to keep you sober not her 
If another chooses to listen to your story and desires to get sober more the better.
PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.
You carried the message exactly as you were suppose to do.
After that it's between them and God.
AND you're sober!!!
FlyN
If another chooses to listen to your story and desires to get sober more the better.
PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.
You carried the message exactly as you were suppose to do.
After that it's between them and God.
AND you're sober!!!
FlyN
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
I was craving a sip when I got this call. We all know what a sip leads to. I don't want a sip anymore. When she is ready, I will be there to welcome her back. Thank you for being there for me SR friends.
Jennifer
Jennifer
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Yes, you did have business being there- business of trying to carry the message.
My first sponsors first 12 step call experience will be something I will remember for the reminder of importance of safety:
3 weeks in, his sponsor picked him up for a 12 step call.they go to a guys house and he's sittin at the kitchen table and pretty drunk. They both sit down, then the guy lifts a hand gun up from his lap and lays it on the table. My first sponsor, being only 3 weeks sobers, says to the man," you got another gun?"
Man says," yes."
" ok, then you have a choice. Either ya go get me that gun so we're even or put that one away."
The man put his away and the intensity of the situation changed to the reason for being there.
Afterwards, his sponsor said he was glad my sponsor was with him, even though only 3 weeks sober, he had something to offer the man to help and not only did he help the man getting the message carried, he helped his sponsor as when the gun came up, his sponsor froze and didn't say but a few words the whole time they were there.
CG, yer sponsor wanted you to go on that call...she sees something in you.
And you both are still sober so it was successful.
I'm thinkin yer hurt maybe because ya felt the message would be heard and she was being honest? Or maybe a wee bit of ego thinkin the message would be heard by you?
Guilty maybe because ya didn't think about checkin deeper about more booze?
If so, stop. We can only carry the message.
IMO I wouldn't see anything wrong with dropping a phone call here and there.
My first sponsors first 12 step call experience will be something I will remember for the reminder of importance of safety:
3 weeks in, his sponsor picked him up for a 12 step call.they go to a guys house and he's sittin at the kitchen table and pretty drunk. They both sit down, then the guy lifts a hand gun up from his lap and lays it on the table. My first sponsor, being only 3 weeks sobers, says to the man," you got another gun?"
Man says," yes."
" ok, then you have a choice. Either ya go get me that gun so we're even or put that one away."
The man put his away and the intensity of the situation changed to the reason for being there.
Afterwards, his sponsor said he was glad my sponsor was with him, even though only 3 weeks sober, he had something to offer the man to help and not only did he help the man getting the message carried, he helped his sponsor as when the gun came up, his sponsor froze and didn't say but a few words the whole time they were there.
CG, yer sponsor wanted you to go on that call...she sees something in you.
And you both are still sober so it was successful.
I'm thinkin yer hurt maybe because ya felt the message would be heard and she was being honest? Or maybe a wee bit of ego thinkin the message would be heard by you?
Guilty maybe because ya didn't think about checkin deeper about more booze?
If so, stop. We can only carry the message.
IMO I wouldn't see anything wrong with dropping a phone call here and there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Some will claim there are wrong ways to make a 12 Step call
Not sure that I would agree with that
Although it is always best to at least take along with us
one Recovered drunk who has a good amount of sobriety
M-B
Not sure that I would agree with that
Although it is always best to at least take along with us
one Recovered drunk who has a good amount of sobriety
M-B
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
I'm glad you helped her--helping others is what we are here for and it also helps us.
It is hard when people aren't ready to hear. Do I know that!
But you were there for her and you will be again when she comes back.
That's true Christmas Spirit, isn't it?
It is hard when people aren't ready to hear. Do I know that!
But you were there for her and you will be again when she comes back.
That's true Christmas Spirit, isn't it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
My sponsor who made many 12 step calls always said a successful one is when you walk away sober.
He emphasized the need for 2 people to go and acknowledged feeling like some good resulted and was grateful for the experience.
“12 step work is done to keep you sober not her.”
I don’t know where the idea that going on a 12 step call is for our benefit, yes we do have a feeling of satisfaction. Must be something I missed or things are being re written.
This is my guide for a lot of years:
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and
help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
He emphasized the need for 2 people to go and acknowledged feeling like some good resulted and was grateful for the experience.
“12 step work is done to keep you sober not her.”
I don’t know where the idea that going on a 12 step call is for our benefit, yes we do have a feeling of satisfaction. Must be something I missed or things are being re written.
This is my guide for a lot of years:
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and
help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
My sponsor who made many 12 step calls always said a successful one is when you walk away sober.
He emphasized the need for 2 people to go and acknowledged feeling like some good resulted and was grateful for the experience.
“12 step work is done to keep you sober not her.”
I don’t know where the idea that going on a 12 step call is for our benefit, yes we do have a feeling of satisfaction. Must be something I missed or things are being re written.
This is my guide for a lot of years:
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and
help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
He emphasized the need for 2 people to go and acknowledged feeling like some good resulted and was grateful for the experience.
“12 step work is done to keep you sober not her.”
I don’t know where the idea that going on a 12 step call is for our benefit, yes we do have a feeling of satisfaction. Must be something I missed or things are being re written.
This is my guide for a lot of years:
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and
help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
Good job. Now.... Have you done step one yourself yet?
My life has become unmanageable.
If I continue on that route my end result will be jail, institution, or death.
((Insert smiley here cuz I don't know how))
I am a grateful alcoholic. And I am glad I am on the road to recovery. I am grateful for all of you, and all people in general. I am grateful I went on that call. I am just, well grateful!!
Bless all of you. I hope we all stay on this path. It is indeed rewarding. Nice change.
Jennifer
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
My sponsor used to say something to me in early recovery that doesn't fly well with some people, but in retrospect I find to go much deeper, and be much more true than it at first sounds.
In short, he'd ask:
"Did you turn your life and your will over to the care of God today?"
9 out 10 times I'd answer, "Yes."
And he'd respond with, "Then you did the right thing."
He was very convincing in his explanation of why if I didn't agree with that, I wasn't truly working a 3rd step. If I sincerely turn my life and will over to the care of God, then my only job after that is to trust completely that I am being guided. Regardless of what anybody says, or how things look. For whatever reason I did what I did, it needed to be done. Perhaps I needed to learn or experience something, perhaps things aren't quite as black and white as they seem, point being once I've turned things over I have to step out of the God position. It's not my job any longer to define what's right and what's wrong. Doing that would be attempting to play God again.
And that doesn't mean I'm going to go out lying, stealing, hurting and killing people. Quite the contrary, as I found myself growing more of a conscience. It's a faith thing of which I understand the flip side and arguments to, but again, the flip side -it's a copout that gives me license to be irresponsible- has not been my experience. My "tragic" mistakes sober have all been things I've grown from, and looking back, haven't had any catastrophic effects on the others involved.
Hope that made sense cuz I just woke up and I'm not sure I explained that as clearly as I'd have liked to. It makes sense to me regardless, and it continues to work.
In short, he'd ask:
"Did you turn your life and your will over to the care of God today?"
9 out 10 times I'd answer, "Yes."
And he'd respond with, "Then you did the right thing."
He was very convincing in his explanation of why if I didn't agree with that, I wasn't truly working a 3rd step. If I sincerely turn my life and will over to the care of God, then my only job after that is to trust completely that I am being guided. Regardless of what anybody says, or how things look. For whatever reason I did what I did, it needed to be done. Perhaps I needed to learn or experience something, perhaps things aren't quite as black and white as they seem, point being once I've turned things over I have to step out of the God position. It's not my job any longer to define what's right and what's wrong. Doing that would be attempting to play God again.
And that doesn't mean I'm going to go out lying, stealing, hurting and killing people. Quite the contrary, as I found myself growing more of a conscience. It's a faith thing of which I understand the flip side and arguments to, but again, the flip side -it's a copout that gives me license to be irresponsible- has not been my experience. My "tragic" mistakes sober have all been things I've grown from, and looking back, haven't had any catastrophic effects on the others involved.
Hope that made sense cuz I just woke up and I'm not sure I explained that as clearly as I'd have liked to. It makes sense to me regardless
, and it continues to work.
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